2. Don't Know What to Say

Jinyoung could hear people whispering about him in math class. It was as if they thought he couldn't hear them just because he had his head buried in his arms on his desk, pretending to be asleep.

 

“Did you hear?” someone hissed. “That American kid who never talks threatened Heejun when he tried to attack...” There was an empty silence where Jinyoung's name should have been. They were probably pointing at him since he was right there.

 

“Just like he nailed Chanhyung? Wasn't that for-”

 

“Yeah, that's what I heard. Saw what he was doing, and just popped him one in the face.”

 

“Like some kind of crazy iljin.”

 

“Oh, come on, we all know Heejun's the real iljin bully. You're all just afraid to call him out on it so you don't wind up socially murdered like that guy.”

 

“Mark's a nice guy,” a louder voice came from in front of Jinyoung, where the Thai kid sat. “You guys just don't give him a chance.”

 

“Really? We never noticed him giving us a chance.”

 

“He literally doesn't know how. Honestly, though, he's just the cutest when you get to know him. He's got lethal aegyo.”

 

“I don't want to hear someone with a cute face like yours trying to call someone else cute.”

 

“It's true, though. You just don't see it.”

 

Jinyoung had a hard time imagining it for himself. He didn't think he'd ever seen Mark smile, much less do something cute. Jinyoung still had the image of Mark coolly threatening to rearrange Heejun's face in his mind.

 

Still, the thought of no one seeing the real Mark his one friend claimed existed nagged Jinyoung. He was always moping about no one really seeing him, so why was it so hard for him to see sides of other people?

 

As he and Mark worked getting gum unstuck from the bottom of desks during their daily detention, Jinyoung for once tried to focus on Mark instead of his phone. There wasn't much cute to see in his disgusted faces as he dealt with the chewed wads of gum, but Jinyoung did catch a few smiles here and there as he listened to music. He did have kind of an endearing smile. Jinyoung had always seen him as a cold person, but there was clearly some kind of warmth there. Maybe he'd have to dig it out, but shouldn't he become the kind of person who made that effort, if it mattered so much to him?

 

But for now, he didn't know what to say. He still felt confused, unsure of what he really wanted. He felt something when he looked at Mark, but it was nothing like the unambiguous happiness he felt talking to Penggwin. He was sure Penggwin wanted that connection with him. He couldn't say the same for Mark.

 

Still, he thought he could at least take one little step. As Mark packed up his things when detention was done, Jinyoung waited until he was just at the threshold of the door to walk out.

 

“Hey,” Jinyoung said.

 

Mark glanced over his shoulder. “Yeah?”

 

“Thanks for the hard work today.”

 

A small smile appeared on Mark's face, and he nodded his head. “You too.”

---

 

Jinyoung's phone buzzed on the way home. He was hoping it was Penggwin, but it wound up being a phone call, and one from someone he hadn't talked to in weeks to boot.

 

“Hello from the other sideeeee,” Min trilled. “I should have called a thousand times. I know I ventured into bad friend territory there, but I needed some serious mental health therapy, so my girlfriends have been keeping me busy. Before you ask, I'm fine.”

 

“Glad to hear it,” Jinyoung said.

 

“One of those said girlfriends who goes to your school also just informed me that the jerk ex who started all this crap has been keeping you busy in an entirely different way.”

 

Jinyoung sighed. “He thinks we have a thing.”

 

“He always was an idiot. But seriously, is there anything I can do? This is kind of all my fault, isn't it?”

 

“Don't worry about it. Helping you was something I chose to do. Besides, I don't want you near that guy ever again in your life.”

 

“I could say the same for you. My source at your high school also claims the class mystery boy offered to deck the guy for you.”

 

“He didn't claim to do it 'for me',” Jinyoung corrected her, flustered. “Heejun was threatening him, too. Besides, I'd rather he didn't. He already has a month's worth of detention for punching someone else.”

 

“Wow. Sounds like you befriended a real badass.”

 

“I wouldn't exactly call him a friend.”

 

“Maybe you should make it happen, then. You could use an ally. We all know I'm good for when it comes to dealing with Heejun.” Min paused on the other line. “Can I just say something, though? I've always thought of you as a strong person. You're there for people at really difficult times, and you genuinely care about them even when they've stopped caring about themselves. You're strong for others. And that's good. Sometimes when someone's crushed as small as an ant, they need someone who can make them believe they're big again.” She took a deep breath. “But because you're so strong for other people, you're fragile when it comes to yourself. When you're the one being hurt, you close off and don't let anyone heal your wounds. You just ignore the pain and keep bleeding out. I know that's how you're able to get by with your mindset, but now more than ever is the time when you should be reaching out. You should have called me, Jinyoung. And if not me, you should have found someone to talk to.”

 

“I did find someone,” Jinyoung said in a small voice.

 

“That's great. But I wasn't just talking about, well, talking. It needs to be more than that.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Just like I said before. You know you're not a crushed down ant. You need someone who makes you stop acting like one.”

---

 

Jinyoung threw himself down into bed when he got home, Min's words still on his mind. She'd joked before hanging up that she had every right to say it. “After all, I'm a smart girl who needs to start acting like one when it comes to men,” she'd said. “As you so kindly reminded me after Heejun.”

 

She knew it was easier said than done. He knew it, too. He knew he didn't deserve to be treated the way he was. Yet he still cowered when it came down to it, all the same.

 

Jinyoung picked up his cell phone and checked for any messages. There was one waiting from Penggwin, which at last brought a happy feeling back to his heart.

 

From: BBPenggwin

You're quiet today. Something on your mind?

 

From: Bogsunga

Yeah. I'm wondering... what are you like?

 

From: BBPenggwin

Well... I like music

 

From: Bogsunga

I know that. I mean, if you could use one word to describe yourself, what would it be?

 

From: BBPenggwin

Huh... maybe backwards?

 

 

From: Bogsunga

How so?

 

From: BBPenggwin

I think I want to do the right thing. But then I always do it the wrong way. When I open my mouth to say one thing, something else comes out. When I try to do something in particular, I end up doing it in a way that makes me look like an idiot. Just like that. Backwards. Maybe if I start having the wrong intentions, things will work out more?

 

From: Bogsunga

It's so funny. You don't seem that way to me.

 

From: BBPenggwin

And that's why I don't think you should ever meet me. I'll prove you wrong in seconds.

 

From: Bogsunga

I don't think so. If backwards is who you are, then it's who you are. To really like you, I'd have to like that, too. And I think I really do like you. Anyone who's tried to understand me to this extent is definitely someone I like.

 

From: BBPenggwin

Oh wow.

 

From: Bogsunga

Oh wow what?

 

From: BBPenggwin

It's nice to just read that, you know? But it kind of hurts that I'll never hear it to my face.

 

From: Bogsunga

You could if you got over yourself and met me

 

From: BBPenggwin

I could...

Hey, are you sleepy?

 

From: Bogsunga

Obvious subject change.

But yes.

 

From: BBPenggwin

Let's play a lullaby.

Let's go with Ryan Adams (you may have heard of him)

(Except he's not Bryan Adams. Easy mistake to make)

“I Love You But I Don't Know What to Say”

 

Jinyoung read the English title out loud to himself. Simple words, ones he could understand. It was like an uncertain love confession—or at least it was in the eyes of the writer, not that he was assuming Penggwin meant it as such. To him, it was probably just a pretty song.

 

But songs weren't just songs, he thought. They didn't just exist without meaning. Words, said or unsaid, always meant something.

 

He leaned back, focusing on the gentle, crooning voice in his ears. It was someone else's voice, but he tried to pretend the words belonged to exactly who he wanted them to belong to. He thought of how, somewhere in the same country he lived, someone else was listening to the exact same words and thinking of him.

---

 

Jinyoung immediately knew something was wrong when he got to school. He was used to people staring at him, but he wasn't used to them running up to him with what could only be called a look of excitement on their faces.

 

“Did you hear-”

 

“-completely epic man!”

 

“I heard it was right in the-”

 

“-still cleaning up the mess.”

 

“And they totally found out he was lying about-”

 

Jinyoung cleared his throat, interrupting everyone's fragmented sentences. “Uhh... what's going on?”

 

Everyone fell silent, eyes darting as if to challenge whoever wanted to have the honor of telling the full story. Mark's Thai friend won out.

 

“Well, it seems like Heejun and company tried to jump Mark in the school parking lot,” he said, sounding a little anxious, “which was dumb for several reasons, but they aren't really known for being smart, are they? They managed to get his arms behind his back, but Mark did his little ninja warrior thing and got out of it, and completely ered Heejun in the nose. Blood everywhere. And, well, one of the teachers happened to see it from their car, so...”

 

Jinyoung's stomach dropped. “Mark's going to get expelled.”

 

“Actually, I don't know. Apparently some girl Heejun used to date called in to the administration complaining about him sending her harassing messages, and then got her parents to vouch that you were at her house when you were allegedly supposed to be trashing the bathroom, which makes Heejun look like the liar he is. Then, after our little discussion in math class the other day, someone came forward to say the reason Mark gave the other guy, Chanhyung, a bloody nose was because he was trying to stop him from dumping something really nasty in your locker, and accidentally nailed him with your locker door in the process. It seemed like everyone realized Heejun was going down at the same time and jumped ship.” He shrugged. “I'm personally hoping Mark can just get suspended considering the recent incident was self-defense.”

 

Jinyoung took a minute to process this. Mark had given someone a bloody nose over one of the incidents with his locker? Why had he never heard this before? He didn't understand why someone who never spoke to him more than absolutely necessary was helping him so frequently from the sidelines.

 

More than that, he didn't understand why he'd cared so little in return. Mark had apparently cared, or at least enough to where his sense of justice had eclipsed that of the hundreds of people who had just sat and watched up until now. Maybe he was just that kind of person, but as the recipient of all that concern, Jinyoung couldn't forgive himself for only half-heartedly noticing, and worse, for never thanking him in the slightest.

 

“Excuse me,” he said to Mark's friend. “I need to... I just need to visit him, after all this. Do you have address? Could you give it to me?”

 

The friend looked a little surprised. “Uh... sure? I don't know what he'll make of you showing up, but I guess that would be a good thing to do?”

 

“It's something I need to do. I just hope he's OK.”

 

“Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Someone got a punch on him, I think, but you should see Heejun. The kid's only good point was his face, and now he doesn't even have that anymore.”

---

 

It was a long day at school. Jinyoung was immediately summoned to the principal's office for a long discussion. Yes, he hadn't really trashed the bathroom. Yes, he'd been having people dump things in his locker. Yes, changing the locks hadn't stopped them. No, he hadn't been the one destroying his own textbooks. No, he hadn't been there when Chanhyung's bloody nose incident had happened. Yes, he'd been present on an occasion when Heejun had threatened Mark. Yes, he'd also been threatened himself. No, he hadn't told the administration because they hadn't believed him about the vandalism so why would they believe him about anything else? Yes, he would accept payment from the real guilty parties to replace his damaged property. Yes, he would be more than happy to cut his detention short. Yes, he had witnessed Heejun harassing Min on several occasions.

 

By time that was all finished (or at least settled for the time being), he'd been into the crowd of students who were now desperate to talk to him. How did you survive being targeted by Heejun and his gang? Will your family sue them? Will you get revenge?

 

All Jinyoung could think about was Mark. None of this was supposed to involve him. It had been Jinyoung's burden. And as much as Jinyoung realized what an idiot it was for trying to deal with it himself, he couldn't handle the thought of Mark trying to take it all for him without even explaining why.

 

As soon as school was out, he stopped by the closest pizza place and grabbed a large pizza to-go. It was nice not to have detention. But at the same time, not nice. He wasn't proud of himself for all the not-talking that had gone on during those times, especially since Mark probably would have responded if Jinyoung had made the slightest effort. But he missed having the both of them out of trouble and sharing in their menial tasks as equals.

 

Holding the warm pizza box in his hands, he made his way to the address Mark's friend had given him.

 

A girl answered the door. She looked a little bit wary, but when Jinyoung introduced himself, she agreed to ask Mark if it was OK if he came in.

 

He apparently got the all-clear, since she came back and gestured him inside. It was a nice house. The principal would probably be coming at some point to further discuss options with the family, and Jinyoung hoped he noticed all the happy family photos on the wall. Mark looked like a nice kid. No, he was a nice kid. Jinyoung was certain of that from the bottom of his heart.

 

He was a slightly less handsome kid than he usually was, when Jinyoung finally saw him. There was a gash on his lip, and the skin around it was already discoloring.

 

Mark looked from Jinyoung to the pizza box and then back. “Uhhh?”

 

“An offering,” Jinyoung said, extending the box to him. “And a really late thank you.”

 

Mark's eyes clouded. “Could you please not thank me for this? Punching someone is a brat's way out of a serious problem. The girl who cleared your name with the administration and busted Heejun for harassment is the real hero of the day.”

 

“I know,” Jinyoung said. “But no one in the class cared about what happened to me. Except you. I think that at least is worth thanking you for.”

 

Mark thought for a minute, then nodded. Jinyoung opened the box for him and offered a slice.

 

“Kinda hurts to eat,” Mark mumbled, but he broke the slice into pieces and ate them slowly. “What I wouldn't suffer for pizza.”

 

“Did Heejun give you that?” Jinyoung asked, nodding to Mark's wound.

 

“Nope. Heejun was already gushing blood at that point. That one's from one his friends who got me right after I got Heejun.”

 

“Ouch.”

 

Mark shrugged. “It was a good thing I didn't get him back. I'd definitely be expelled.”

 

“Are you now?”

 

“I don't know yet. The teacher saw them jump me, but I still 'protected myself' a little excessively. And, er, may have possibly broken Heejun's nose.”

 

“I find it hard to feel bad for him.”

 

“Same.” Mark slowly chewed his pizza. “So I take it you at least got out of detention?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Good. It was stupid for you to be there in the first place. It always made me so mad watching you doing all that stupid stuff Heejun should have been doing.”

 

“I never noticed.”

 

“I probably wasn't emoting it strongly enough.”

 

“Actually, I've never heard you talk this much, ever.”

 

Mark shrugged. “We're talking about stuff I know how to talk about.”

 

“So if I ask you why you did all of this, will that turn you quiet again?”

 

Accordingly, the room went silent for a few moments. Sure enough, Mark seemed at a loss for what to say.

 

“Partially because it was wrong, what everyone was doing,” Mark said finally. “Treating you like the bad guy when we all knew you weren't. You put up with so much crap, and for what? Being friends with the wrong person's ex-girlfriend. It made me sick.”

 

“And the other part?”

 

“Because...” Mark stared up at the ceiling. “Because I didn't want you to feel like you were alone.”

 

Jinyoung felt his eyes watering. He'd had no idea. Mark had had that kind of sentiment in him from the beginning, and Jinyoung hadn't had a clue.

 

“I'm such an idiot,” Mark muttered. “That was the biggest load of crap way to help, and I know it. Your friend got you out of detention and got justice for the he put her through, and all I did was get myself a lousy detention and now probably a lousy suspension or expulsion.”

 

Jinyoung shook his head. “No. Don't say that.”

 

“It's true.”

 

“No. It isn't. Maybe you didn't get the result you wanted, but you tried. That's everything. Maybe not to you, but it is to me.” Jinyoung bit his lips. “That same friend of mine, Min, said I was good at being strong for others, but not good at being strong for myself. I think maybe the same thing applies to you.”

 

Mark stared at him wordlessly.

 

“You wanted to do something nice for me. You wanted to make me feel like I wasn't alone. But you didn't do anything to keep yourself from being alone or doing things on your own. You didn't take a good view of yourself, and probably didn't trust yourself to do things the right way. So you didn't.” Jinyoung smiled gently. “So maybe until we can feel strong for ourselves, the best thing to do would be to help each other get to that point. Next time you think about doing something stupid, you can talk to me. Next time I think about resigning myself to something stupid, I can talk to you. Maybe we'll eventually figure out how to be strong by relying on the parts of us that are already strong. The parts that know how to help each other.”

 

Mark was quiet for a long time. Jinyoung didn't know what that meant, but he thought that maybe he was considering. To Mark, silence wasn't always a bad thing.

 

“You know,” Mark said finally, “this was the reason I couldn't talk to you when you were right in front of me.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“You're so... I just knew you'd say all the right things off the top of your head, and it would take me ten minutes to think of something passable to say back.”

 

“I wouldn't say all of that was off the top of my head. I did have all day to think about it.”

 

“But I could take all day and never say anything worthwhile. Not with you looking at me like that.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Like you.” Mark took a deep breath. “If you think it will help.”

 

“Hmmm.”

 

“We can do what you just suggested. But...”

 

“But?”

 

“Give me some time. If that's what you want to do, I can't half- it. I need to figure something out.”

 

“OK...”

 

“This wasn't the first thing I did stupidly. Just letting you know in advance.”

 

“Got it.”

 

“Oh, and Jinyoung?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Thanks for the pizza. And for knowing what to say.”

---

 

Things calmed down at school quicker than Jinyoung thought they would. Heejun was dealt with efficiently (expelled) as were his friends (extended detention) and Mark (suspension). Everyone enjoyed their little bit of drama, but moved on quickly to the next thing.

 

Jinyoung couldn't quite move on. Mark wasn't around, and he hadn't yet invited Jinyoung to see him again. Even Penggwin had gotten quieter after Jinyoung had detailed everything that had happened to him. Maybe he thought Jinyoung needed him less after things were—in their weird little way—sorted out. Jinyoung couldn't even say for sure how he felt. He didn't want Penggwin to go. But it still felt like two competing needs were battling in his heart, and he'd be kidding himself if he said Mark didn't have to do with one of them.

 

Still, since he didn't have Mark's number, it was easy to figure out who to message when he was glazed over with boredom and unsatisfied thoughts during math.

 

From: Bogsunga

Are you around? Can you tell me if there's anything more boring than math?

 

The moment Jinyoung sent the message, the phone on the desk in front of him lit up. Jinyoung froze. Coincidence. The timing linked up for a second there. Then Mark's friend, the one with the weird name, opened his phone, revealing a chat page.

 

The message Jinyoung had just sent was at the bottom of the screen.

 

Jinyoung couldn't stop himself from leaping to his feet. “WHAT?” he yelled.

 

The teacher turned around to glare. “Park Jinyoung, you just got excused from detention. I'd hate to put you back in for disrupting the class.” His remark was accompanied by a few snickers.

 

Jinyoung sat back down, his legs shaking. No, this can't be right. It can't be that guy. Penggwin is completely my type, but that person is... that person isn't who I wanted it to be. It can't be him. There has to be some mistake.

 

Mark's friend wasn't answering the message. That had to mean something. It had gone to him by mistake. That had to be it.

 

But what if it wasn't? What was that supposed to mean? Of course, he'd been holding Penggwin and Mark as two separate people in his head, but ever since everything had happened, in his heart he'd thought of them as the same person. Somewhere along the line, they'd started holding the same significance for him.

 

But what if they weren't the same? It had always been a long shot, so he had to face up to it eventually. Was the deep down flutter Penggwin (potentially the guy who'd sat in front of him in math for the entire year with Jinyoung none the wiser) gave him the real one? Were the beautiful words that had carried Jinyoung through something difficult and made him smile with his whole being at the core of the love budding in his heart? Or was the strange feeling Mark gave him when they were face to face real? Did it matter more coming from a physical person rather than a person on the other side of a screen?

 

Jinyoung thought about it. He weighed both sides of the equation and tried to figure out which feeling was greater. They'd been tied to each other for so long that it was difficult to separate them. It was almost terrifying to admit to himself that he may have accidentally fallen for two different people while meaning to fall for only one.

 

But one thing kept sticking with him. He'd wanted Penggwin to be Mark. Wasn't having that want already his answer? He already thought Mark capable of saying everything Penggwin had said and doing everything Penggwin had done. Wasn't that good enough, even if he wasn't technically him? He'd done enough for Jinyoung to make up for it, that was for sure.

 

Besides, Jinyoung didn't feel any flutter coming from seeing Mark's friend in person. Even if he had written what Penggwin had written, he wasn't who Jinyoung had imagined (which Penggwin technically had warned him of). He'd never tried to comfort or help Jinyoung in person (unless the entertainment of watching him dab during math was a form of comfort), and when it came down to it, Mark was the one out of the two of them who had been there when it had counted the most.

 

If his heart had to settle for one or the other, the choice was obvious. He'd fallen for the Mark Tuan who had appeared right in front of him, bruised face and mistakes in all. If there was any chance Mark looked at him as special, Jinyoung would hold out for that chance over any other, even if it meant giving up on his other source of comfort.

 

Still, he needed to talk to Mark's friend and set everything straight. He needed to know the truth, once and for all.