In your dazzling day

Is there no room for me?

My heart grows cold and tilts again

One month feels like one day to me

 

 

 

To me, Howon oppa is my everything. He is my earth, the center of my day. Everytime I have him within my sight, I just can’t tear my eyes away from him. It feels as if there is a gravity that always pulls me into him.

Meanwhile, Mijoo unnie is—was the friend I trusted so much. Knowing that I could pour everything out to her, she became the first one and the only person who knows about my feelings towards Howon oppa. Without fail, Mijoo unnie always listened to my stories. Everytime the three of us went out, I would always tell her about my small and unnoticeable moments with Howon oppa, and everytime I told her that, Mijoo unnie always told me things like. “That is good, Myungeun-ah!”, “You must be so happy, Myungeun-ah!” so excitedly.

Since my parents are always busy, I am always alone at home. I am never good at making friends since I am a timid and awkward person. Mijoo unnie and Howon oppa were the first people who could actually befriend me. Those two are—were the ones who always managed to put a smile on my lips and bring out laughter from me.

But then things started to change. Being the youngest among the three, I ended up being left behind. The two of them left the neighborhood after they graduated from college and started working. Back then, I did not even think that things would change drastically like this. Them moving out to other places didn’t stop me from loving Howon oppa and being friends with Mijoo unnie.

At least that’s what I tried to do.

Among the three of us, I was always the one who tried to keep in contact with the two of them. I made sure to chat them every day, and sometimes I would call them as well. Howon oppa, the person I love, and Mijoo unnie, the person I trust….ed, as long as I have them, I will never be alone.

But then I came into a realization one day. It was when the three of us went to hang out together at an amusement park. It was supposed to be a happy day for the three of us. But when Mijoo unnie appeared that day, I could see the way Howon oppa’s eyes lighted up at the sight of Mijoo unnie. At first, I thought it was only because the three of us had not seen each other in a while, but then I noticed how Howon oppa didn’t have the same eyes when he looked at me …. The way he looked at the pretty unnie, her beautiful face, her silky long hair, and her perfect figure, was completely different from the way he looked at me.

Is Howon oppa in love with Mijoo unnie….?

I began repeating that question in my mind since then.

But, no! It could not be it! He can’t be in love with her… because I am the one who loves him with all my heart. Mijoo unnie already has everything. She is pretty and bright, she can always data anyone he wants. But I, I can only have Howon oppa, the caring and warm Howon oppa…. He should be mine and only mine, not Mijoo unnie’s… At least, I won’t let that happen.

Ever since that day, I swore to block the two of them from being together, no matter what. I won’t give Howon oppa even a chance to confess to unnie.

That was also how I started asking that question to him again. The question I used to ask him when we were kids.

“Howon oppa, do you love me?”

“Of course I do, Myungeun-ah.”

“Howon oppa, do you love Mijoo unnie?”

“Of course I love her too, Myungeun-ah.”

“Then between Mijoo unnie and I, who do you love more?”

“I love the two of you equally, Myungeun-ah”

Back in the days, his answer always managed to make me content. But now, that’s not the answer I want to hear. I want him to answer that he loved me more than Mijoo unnie.

And that’s also how I stopped contacting Mijoo unnie while continuously stay in touch with Howon oppa. I always make sure to contact him every single day, so he would always remember me, so I can have at least a tiny room on each of his day, just like how he became the center of my day ever since the first time we met. Like a wave, I would come crashing his heart so he will slowly fall for me.

Without any hesitation, I decided to confess to him the day I was able to go on a date with him. I was so confident that he would accept me with open arms. He even bought me a ring as my birthday present! But why? Why did he go silent when I told him that I was in love with him? Why didn’t he tell me that he loved me too?

The sight that I saw on that day finally answered my questions. It was the day when I decided to pay a visit to Howon oppa’s apartment. Two weeks had passed ever since I confessed to Howon oppa, and since then, I had not contacted him at all. As much as I felt shameful after being rejected by him, I couldn’t bear the feeling of missing him even more. That’s why I decided to approach him again.

But then I saw Mijoo unnie with him as I was making my way towards his place. The view brought more questions upon my mind. And it was all answered when I saw Howon oppa kissing Mijoo unnie, while Mijoo unnie’s arms were wrapped around him tightly…. As if they were a couple… Wait, they are a couple, are not they…?

……………..

Now I know it…..

I know that the two of them have been hiding it from me all along. It is not only Howon oppa who is in love with Mijoo unnie, but also Mijoo unnie…………. Mijoo unnie is also in love with Howon oppa.

And finally, the voice which I heard at that night finally brought me to the reality. The voice—that voice of Mijoo unnie’s, out his name—Howon oppa’s name….. I wished I would go deaf as soon as I heard that.

I had no more reason to talk to Mijoo unnie after what happened. How could she be so cruel?? How could she be cruel to me??? I trusted her, and this is what she gives to me? I thought we were best friends, yet she is treating me this way, by taking what is supposed to be mine??

As I continued to cry and cry that night, I began thinking; do I really have no room…. in between those two…?

No, it should not be that way…. If I don’t have a room in between those two, then I should just create one for me, for myself……… a room where I can separate him from Mijoo unnie………

After what happened that night, I woke up this morning with swollen eyes, which was already expected since I cried myself to sleep. Even if I am already awake, I don’t feel like moving away from the bed at all. I do have a class to attend today, but after what I heard last night, I just don’t feel like facing anything today, not in the slightest.

But I suddenly hear the bell to my house ring, and no one opens it even after the bell rings for a few times—ah, right, my parents are overseas yet again. In the end, I lazily get up from my bed and walk out of my room. However, when I am about to open the door to the house, I hear voices coming from behind it.

“Maybe she is out for class already, Mijoo-ya…” it is unmistakably Howon oppa’s voice, the voice which I can recognize so easily.

“But it’s still early, oppa…. Are her parents not home again? Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?” the next thing I hear is another knock against the door to my house.

What are those two even doing here? Did they come to brag about their happiness as a couple? No! I don’t want to see the two of them… go away, go away, the two of you!

I remain silent, pretending not to hear anything from the outside as if I have gone deaf. The two finally give up and go away from my house after thirty minutes passed with no respond at all.

I ended up locking myself in my room for the whole day, not caring about college nor anything else. As I stay alone in my bed, thinking about stuff that I didn’t even want to remember to begin with, my blood starts to boil. I am spending my day in despair and alone like this, while Mijoo unnie is spending her day with Howon oppa and being happy with him.

As if a devil’s voice has pierced into me, I realize that I cannot continue to stay this way. How come I am the only miserable one when those two are completely fine and happy? I have to separate the two of them, no matter what it takes. And with that thought in mind, I finally get up from my bed and step out of my house to make my way towards his place. With only one goal in mind; to separate Lee Howon and Lee Mijoo away.

“Myungeun…..?” Howon oppa’s surprised face is the sight that welcomes me the moment the door into his room is opened. Without knowing my true intention, Howon oppa assumes that I must have wanted to talk to him, and so, he easily let me inside, leading me to one of the couches in his living room.

The first thing I noticed is the absence of Mijoo unnie in the place. I thought she would be here with him, but as I scanned through the entire room to find her presence, it comes to no avail. Seeming to be aware of my action, Howon oppa opens his mouth to speak up.

“Mijoo is not here at the moment, she has to work overtime tonight…” he explains about it so casually, as if there is nothing wrong about him and Mijoo unnie being together. ‘She has to work overtime tonight’? So it means she normally would be here every night? How could he say that so easily…? He knows my feelings and yet….

I feel like crying and getting angry at the same time, but I try my best to hold it back. My fingers are clutched onto my pants as I try my hardest not explode.

“Howon oppa….” I take a deep breath before standing up and make my way towards him. “I love you….” Before I knew it, my two arms are already clinging onto him so tightly. His warmth, his scent, him… everything about him… how much I want this person to be mine….

But to my surprise, the next thing I feel is Howon oppa pushing me away.

“I am sorry, Myungeun….” He looks at me straight in the eyes. But also from those eyes, I could see an apparent guilt.

He takes a deep breath before continuing his words. “I can’t be with you, I—I love Mijoo…..” No! That is not what I want to hear!

Without even thinking anymore, I start clinging onto him again, one of my hands are clutched onto his shirt so he wouldn’t be able to push me away anymore. “No! No!” to his surprise, I start shouting in front of him. “I thought you loved the two of us equally? You always said that you loved both Mijoo unnie and I! Stop lying to me! I know you love me t—“ but before I could finish my words, he managed to push me away from him one more time.

“Stop being like this, Park Myungeun!” I hear him shouting back at me, both of his hands grasping on my shoulders firmly.

“Myungeun, you are important to me, I love you, but…. but my feelings towards you are merely something that is similar to a brother’s affection towards his little sister….”

He trails off for a moment before ending his speech with an apology. “I am very sorry….” His grasp on my shoulders get tightened, his eyes are telling me that he is pleading to me to understand, to accept the fact that he does not love me—he doesn’t love Mijoo unnie and I equally.

It is Mijoo unnie whom he loves more.

It is Mijoo unnie whom he loves, and not me….

He doesn’t love me…………………

As if there is a ringing in my head, one of my hands unconsciously moves by its own, and before I knew it, my hand is already stained with Mijoo unnie’s favourite colour……….. the colour of crimson red……….. with his blood.

“Myung…..eun….” and when I finally realized the situation, I see Howon oppa, standing in front of me, my knife pierced through his heart—the heart that should be mine, not Mijoo unnie………

I simply watch him blankly, not moving an inch even as he collapses to the ground. I already have my knife pulled out from him before he did so.

Howon oppa, my beloved Howon oppa….. I can now finally separate you from Mijoo unnie… the thought of it alone is able to make a smile creeps on my lips.

However, before I could make my next move, I hear the door to his apartment being opened, which is followed with a few foot-steps.

“Howon oppa?” I can easily recognize it as Mijoo unnie’s voice as soon as I hear it. The next moment, I can hear her footsteps coming towards us. Now, seems like things is going to be more interesting with Mijoo unnie being here.

“Oppa? Did someone come here?” I hear her shouting for Howon oppa as she walks closer to the living room.

“I bought some food for—“ she didn’t manage to finish her sentence as she is too in shock the moment she enters the living room, greeted with a sight of me, holding a blood-stained knife in my hand, and then there is Howon oppa, lying down, perhaps already lifeless, on the floor, just right next to me.

“Myungeun-ah………” I see Mijoo unnie’s gaze continuously shifts back and forth from Howon oppa to me. It seems like she is not able to grasp the situation yet, too shocked to realize—or to believe what actually happened.

“You…. What…. What happened… Why Howon oppa….?” An expression of fear is very apparent on her face; her words sound funny to me as she continues to stutter while speaking.

She is scared of me now? This woman? This woman who backstabbed me and took away my happiness? If anything, I am the one who should be scared of her.

The next thing I see is her taking a step forward, trying to approach me carefully. I could see how her pretty face is now stained with her own tears. Ah, my beautiful Mijoo unnie… haveyou not ruined everything like this, you would not have to ruin that pretty face of yours like that.

“Don’t you dare to come any closer” I give her a menacing stare as she is about to take another step, my knife that’s already stained with Howon oppa’s blood is now pointed to her direction. “Take another step, and I will stab Howon oppa one more time…….”

She widens her eyes, seeming to disbelieve the words she just heard from my mouth. Hurt and Fear are still apparent in her eyes as tears continue to flow down on her cheeks.

“How could you do this???” The next thing she did is yelling at me, asking me an exact same question as I uttered to myself when I found out about her and Howon oppa. “How could you do this to him?? To the man you love, to our… Howon oppa….” Her voice turns weak as her gaze falls to the said man’s unconscious body on the ground. I guess even the perfect Mijoo unnie could get weak too when it comes to Howon oppa, huh?

“You are the one who started this…” I finally started to speak as I keep my knife pointed at her. “It is all your wrongdoing… You are the one who betrayed me. You, you who have always had a happy life. You, who could always have everything you want to. You, who could always get any other man, yet decided to take away the only one I could have……..” I trail off for a moment until I eventually explode. “IT IS ALL YOUR WRONGDOINGS!” I shouted my last sentence at her furiously. How dare she asked me such a thing when she is the one who has ruined everything??

Mijoo unnie is not giving me any respond at all, she only continueds to cry as she fixes her gaze at Howon oppa’s body, perhaps too caught in her own guilt to look at me.

“My poor Mijoo unnie….” I let out a small cackle as I watch her crying in misery. “I guess you finally feel guilty now, after realizing that there is no way for us to turn back…?” she gives me yet another look of fear.

“But don’t worry…..” I emit another chuckle before I continue to speak. “I am going to put everything into an end….” The next thing I do is smiling at her as I slowly lower my knife down. Her eyes are widened as she is slowly becoming aware of the thing I am about to do.

“You won’t have to feel guilty anymore… because now, at this moment……. I……. am going…. to……. take……. everything…… away… from……… you…” with a smile on my face, I utter each word very slowly, so she can hear everything clearly. “Him….” as I keep the smile on my lips, my hand makes its way to the place I am aiming to.

“Myungeun-ah… you can’t possibly be…” right, I am about to do what you’re thinking that I am going to do.  Ah, as expected, Mijoo unnie is the one who understands me the most…

“Your memories…” my next words barely come out as a whisper.

I see her shaking her head furiously as she finally shifts away from her spot to run towards me. “Myungeun-ah, no!”

But it is too late. It is too late to turn back.

“All of them….” With those words as my last sentence, I finally the knife into my body. It does not take even a second for my body to fall down, just right next to my love, Howon oppa.

I hear Mijoo unnie’s scream just before I lose my consciousness. A moment later, I can see a blur sight of her in front of Howon oppa’s body and mine, yelling for both our names while crying frantically. But, that is the only thing she could do. She has become hopeless and helpless as both Howon oppa and I remain unmoved.

I have finally done it.

I have separated Howon oppa and Mijoo unnie, and created a space for Howon oppa and I.

In a place that even Mijoo unnie cannot reach.

Death.