What If | Jaemin Nct Dream | Angst Oneshot

*

“What do you think would happen if I died?”

Rolling over I looked at Jaemin and said, “You’re not going to die.”

Giving me a sad smile he replied, “You can’t do anything to stop it, you know.”

Rolling back onto my back I closed my eyes and softly said, “Well, if you’re dying then I’m dying of age.”

*

“What do you think the ocean looks like?” Jaemin asked as we were both trying to watch Music Bank.

Rolling my eyes I shrugged my shoulders, “How was I supposed to know?” I thought to myself as I went back to watching B1A4 perform.

As Jaemin and I were growing up Jaemin constantly asked me a range of questions from laughable ones to ones that required to me to think thoroughly. I never understood why he asked me so many questions, until one late Sunday.

Jaemin and I had returned late from the carnival when Jaemin began to cough nonstop, being the worried nine year old that I was I ran to tell his parents. When I had found them and told them they didn’t seemed surprise. Infact they gave me a small smile.

That was the day I had found out that Jaemin had lung cancer.

As a baby he was exposed to smoke at long periods of time, due to all the residue he slowly developed his condition. Sadly as much as his parents wanted him to receive treatment they had little to no money to spare. Because of this Jaemin’s condition slowly worsened.

From one day being able to run to the next bed ridden I watched Jaemin changed in front of my eyes. From the lanky boy with a bright smile he slowly turned into a sickly depressed child. Jaemin could no longer attend school for even walking was hard for him to handle, however, being the best friend that I could possibly be I stayed by his side as much as I could, even if that meant giving up my other friends.

With Jaemin I knew that I confide with him anything that ran across my mind. Due to this, we often exchanged questions. However, as Jaemin’s condition worsened his questions grew more worried some.

“What would you do if I was no longer around.?” Jaemin asked one morning as we both laid on his pillow covered floor staring at the window.

Rolling over I propped my elbow up and asked, “Well what do you mean exactly?”

Sighing he tried to motion, “You know....like what if I...died?”

Scoffing I shook my head, “You’re not going to die, I’ll make sure of it.”

And sure of it I tried. I tried everything a twelve year old could possibly due, from bake sales to saving my birthday money I tried my hardest to save what little money I had for Jaemin. However, my hardest wasn’t good enough.

By the time Jaemin had turned fourteen he was all skin and bones, my poor thirteen year old heart couldn’t handle that. Nonetheless I had to be strong, for the both of us, I thought during that time. However, I could see that Jaemin was starting to lose his fight. He began to cough more, and even sometimes he would cough up blood. Everytime he had a fit coming up he’d tell me to leave and not come back for he didn’t want me to see him in such pain. But every time he did ask to me leave I would say, “No what are friends for?”

Yet, as Jaemin’s time came to a near end, I realised that what I had thought was just affection for a friend became love. I had fallen in love with my dying best friend. As cliche as it sounded I tried my best to be with Jaemin whenever was possible for any day could be his last. However, it was near fall when I realised I would have to let him go.

“You know I’ll always remember you, right?” Jaemin had said one morning when I came over to talk to him.

“Of course” I said as I drank my water “why wouldn’t you?”

Rolling his eyes he replied, “You know what I mean.”

Slamming my water down I asked, “Why do you always say that? Every time you do you know that I won’t listen. You won’t die Jaemin, you’ve made it this far!”

Letting out a sad laugh, Jaemin slowly faced me. Taking my hand into his he sadly replied, “You know, if I didn’t have cancer I would have already asked you to be my girlfriend but you have to face the reality. I won’t make it, I know you can’t believe but trust me. I can feel it, my end it’s coming near and we can’t do anything to stop it.”

Feeling a tear escape I turned my head, “No. Don’t say that Jaemin your parent’s will find a treatment you won’t die, you won’t leave me!”

Holding my hand tighter Jaemin slowly lowered his head too.

As fall came dwindling by, Jaemin began to show signs of his departure. His rosy cheeks became a pale white, whereas his hands lost the muscle that once held them together. Staring at the ceiling became his new hobby.

As his journey was nearing an end our love was only blossoming. What started as a one sided love turned into something so much more. What was supposed to be friendship turned into a relationship, however, we both knew that it wouldn’t last. As the winter slowly approached Jaemin began to cough more, with this I knew that his time would come near.

As much as I wanted for him to stay, I had finally come to realise that he had to go. He was in far too much pain and I knew that he’d watch over me. Thus, one Friday morning after school I knew something had happened when I came home and my parents hugged me. Confused I had let out a forced laughter looking at my parents as if they were crazy, only to find out that Jaemin had already passed.

Dropping to the floor I yelled at my parents, I cried my hardest and ran towards his house. As I ran to his room only to find a bundle of sheets and a sheet of paper I knew that he had finally left. As I sat on his bed reading the final note that he had left for me I cried knowing that my life would never be the same.