“My life is a lie,” Jimin says as his head collides with the cafeteria table.

 

“You have one?” It should be almost astonishing how in sync Jungkook and Taehyung are as they speak, but this is Park Jimin in question so none of them are surprised.

 

The two boys join their palms in a half hearted high five, ignoring the glare their friend (tyrant) is throwing their way.  

 

“I do have a life, thank you very much.” Jimin rolls his eyes, unable to find a comeback which Taehyung thinks might be the effect of the third boy sitting with them.

 

“Yeah and Jung Hoseok is Taehyung’s boyfriend.” Jungkook rolls his eyes, earning a smack on the back of his head.

 

“And Jeon Jungkook isn’t a disrespectful little brat who…” Taehyung stops halfway, exhaling because he’s wasting precious time and energy on a pair of idiots.

 

“I’m not disrespectful.” Jungkook states but is met with blase expressions from the other two.

 

“Remember when you said you found my twin brother and sent me a picture of your toilet?” Jimin quirks an eyebrow, making Taehyung guffaw because hey, accuracy.

 

Suppressing a chuckle, Jungkook says, “Well you missed the rest of the joke, which was actually quite sweet. I did say you’re the only one other than your twin brother AKA my toilet that takes my .”

 

Jimin’s face switched colors nearly a hundred times into a thousand shades of crimson (Shut up, that’s possible), before he stuttered, “It-it’s a damn toilet, Kookie. It’s disrespectful even when you cover it up with cringey jokes.”

 

Taehyung makes a sound of disgust before fishing out his phone, trying to tune out the voices in vain.   

 

“You’re just jealous I sit on it.” Jungkook winks and Taehyung vaguely recalls the time when he saw Jungkook scrolling through a site called ‘jokes that are bound to piss off your friend’.

 

On perfect timing, Seokjin arrives, taking a seat beside Taehyung. “For the sake of my sanity I’ll pretend Jungkook didn’t just say that.”

 

“I know you love hanging around younger people to get others complimenting on your youthful skin, Uncle Jin, but what are you doing here now?” Jimin says, trying to retain what’s left of his dignity.

 

Jin rolls his eyes, “What?”

 

“Shouldn’t you be with a certain pale skinned individual whose name has been declared taboo for the protective measures of avoiding nightmares?” Taehyung pipes in, trying to get the image of a scowling Yoongi out of his head.

 

“You mean Yoongi.” Jungkook blandly states, earning a chide from Taehyung.

 

“I just said the name is taboo!”

 

Seokjin stops what could have turned into an argument, “Oh. It’s that time of the year.”

 

“The time when Yoongi decides that having Kim Seokjin around isn’t helping his social awkwardness?” Jungkook delivers with a smug smile.

 

Seokjin, however, isn’t one to be annoyed like Taehyung nor is he one to be flustered like Jimin. He simply looks amused before speaking up, “More like the time of the year when Kim Seokjin feels benevolent enough to not put Jeon Jungkook in a headlock.”

 

That instantly shuts Jungkook up, because if there is anything threatening about Seokjin other than his oh-so-kind consolations Taehyung dreads, it was his physical strength. Despite how Taehyung will more than gladly trade Jimin and Jungkook for alcohol (That he’ll use in cleaning his toilet because he doubts the two can actually fetch him much), their bro code is pretty much established on the fact that no one deserves a headlock from Kim Seokjin.

 

Not Kim Taehyung, not Park Jimin, not Jeon Jungkook and definitely not that mugger down the street. Taehyung tries to insist Min Yoongi is an exception and it is true because he’s the only one Seokjin won’t put in a (Well-deserved) headlock.

 

“Be serious, what time of the year is it?” Jimin asks, bringing Taehyung’s attention back to the earth.

 

“Namjoon and I used to call it ‘The Mating Season featuring Yoongi and Hoseok’.”

 

Jungkook and Jimin both open their mouths, forming an ‘o’.

 

“Oh, it’s that time already?” Jimin wonders.

 

Taehyung nearly falls off his chair and Jimin rolls his eyes, “Take a chill pill. It’s not that they actually mate. I think.”

 

“Was the ‘I think’ necessary?” Taehyung asks weakly.

 

“Jimin’s right. They don’t actually mate, probably.” Seokjin says, leaning against the chair’s backrest.

 

“Probably?” Taehyung echoes, dreading the grin that’s began to form on Jimin’s face.

 

“Well it’s not that they’re exhibitionists, according to sources.”

 

“According to sources?” Taehyung demands, sick of the silly game the three were playing.

 

“The sources that have caught them making out in public declare that they’re not ones for PDA.” Seokjin says and for a moment, Taehyung can feel his IQ dropping.

 

[Namjoon snickers when Taehyung relays the whole matter to him, “Don’t worry. Falling from the height it’s in shouldn’t hurt.”]

 

“Okay so what’s the deal with the mating season featuring Yoongi and Hoseok?”

 

“Well, Yoongi, being the stale bread he is, takes Hoseok out on a yearly date. The mating season is the time when Yoongi has to rack through his brains in order to come up with something that’s bound to impress Hoseok. You can like… feel the frustration of the poor child.” Seokjin shakes his head and Taehyung is offended that his friends are so concerned about Yoongi feeling frustrated about not impressing Hoseok.

 

“He’s a poor child because of not preplanning and when I ask for advice I’m a ?”

 

“Do you prefer the label ‘cretin’ instead? Cause after all, it’s not your that’s dumb.” Jimin jabs, making Taehyung glare at the grinning boy.

 

Jungkook plants a hand on his chest in mock hurt, “Jimin! You’ve been checking out Taehyung’s behind my back?”

 

“If he’s behind your back, then technically it’s your he’s checking out. And yes, he does that.” Taehyung smiles sweetly at Jimin, who throws his phone at him.

 

The phone inevitably gets web patterns on the screen and Taehyung savors the expression on Jimin’s face before saying, “You look so hurt that your phone’s screen broke yet you’re impervious to my heart breaking? Humanity has gone to , really.”

 

He pretends to stomp on Jimin’s phone before disappearing into the school building, thinking whether or not he should sabotage Yoongi’s plan. Being the saint he is, he decides on not doing it.

 

---

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Yoongi groans as he scrolls through the website on his laptop. Yoongi’s older brother has been pestering him about needing the computer, completely nonchalant about the existential crisis his younger brother is having. His physics homework lies beside him on the unmade bed, abandoned and half finished.

 

See, Yoongi isn’t overreacting in the slightest. Hoseok can be extremely obstinate when he wants to be and he tends to be especially so when it comes to Yoongi. Fine, maybe Yoongi did promise a yearly date when signing the damn contract that comes with dating Hoseok. He doesn’t understand why it has to take place whenever Hoseok sees fit.

 

Yoongi recalls the conversation he’s had with Hoseok in his head, “A week? Why the deadline?”

 

“Because if you cross that line, babe, you’re gonna be dead.”

 

Yoongi groans for the thirtieth time that day, because despite that stupid word play he’s got no explanation from his boyfriend.

 

He’s also had the bad idea (Understatement be noted) of asking Kim Seokjin where he’d like to go on a date, and his friend only recoiled, “Dude! Hot as I might be, I don’t swing that way.”

 

With that, he’d taken off, knowing that he couldn’t offer a single piece of good advice for Yoongi.

 

Running his fingers through his platinum blond hair, Yoongi dials Namjoon’s number. Namjoon picks up after the fourth ring, his awfully cheery voice permeating Yoongi’s hearing.

 

“How may I help you, your majesty?”

 

“Say, Namjoon. Where would you like to go on a date?”

 

“I’m straighter than a pole. Nice try, though.” Namjoon uses the same tactic as Seokjin, making Yoongi groan again in frustration.

 

“Shut up and tell me where to take Hoseok on a date.”

 

“That’s rather contradictory…” Namjoon trails off as Yoongi feels certain the vindictive miasma emitting from him has reached his friend on the other line. After a pause, Namjoon speaks, “So, should I shut up or tell you where to take Hoseok on a date?”

 

Yoongi sighs and almost instantly Namjoon starts speaking, “I don’t really know but Hoseok sounds like the type to enjoy a long drive.”

 

“Done that.”

 

“Overnight trip?”

 

“That too.”

 

“Beach?”

 

“I made the mistake of taking him there twice and guess who was scouted for Mean Girls minus the estrogen.” Yoongi rolls his eyes, remembering the time Hoseok openly expressed deep dissatisfaction for the lack of Yoongi’s creativity.

 

Yoongi rants on, “And he’s had the nerve to tell me that I’m running out of creativity when I paid for everything in that trip.”

 

He also remembers his own fatal mistake in replying with, “I haven’t created beaches so that sentence is invalid.”

 

Namjoon snorts, “Oh wow, you talk as if Hoseok is a girl with how much difficulty you have in figuring him out.”

 

Yoongi hissed, “Hoseok is not a girl. He’s definitely not as difficult as them.”

 

“Okay, okay, no need to get so defensive over-”

 

“He’s ten times more hassle than a girl.” an involuntary whimper escapes Yoongi’s lips at the frustration.

 

Namjoon bursts out in laughter, “God! Yoongi, what the hell?”

 

“Hoseok the hell…”

 

“Hey, now, Hoseok just loves teasing you so chill out. I’m sure anywhere would be fine for him if you take him out.” Namjoon reasons and for a moment it sounds legitimate to Yoongi.

 

“But won’t that make me a bad boyfriend?” Yoongi questions, going back to scrolling the website that seems to have a lifetime supply of useless advice from those who somehow managed to impress their partners.

 

“You can’t go lower than zero.” Namjoon oh-so wisely reminds him.

 

“Surprise , negative integers exist.”

 

After a fit of laughter, Namjoon retorts, “In mensuration of boyfriend material, negative integers exist as much as your social life.”

 

“I get it, I have a higher chance of reaching the top shelf of the library than I have of meeting Hoseok’s standards. Let me fling myself out of the window and get it all done with.”

 

Namjoon suddenly falls dead silent, making Yoongi wonder whether the genius is dialing helpline thinking he’s actually suicidal.

 

“I have an idea, but you’re not going to like it.”

 

“What?”

 

Truth be told, Yoongi’s going to listen to anything and everything that has ideas. Even the website that’s filled with pictures of cringey (Cute) couples making out, making Yoongi gag (Jealous).

 

“Ask Kim Taehyung.”

 

Yoongi falls silent as well, and after a while that seems like a lifetime to Namjoon, he speaks up, “Kim Namjoon?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I insincerely hope you can run your legs as fast as you run your mouth.”

 

Namjoon hangs up, detecting danger right away.

 

---

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Taehyung is an ordinary boy. He struggles to juggle his schoolwork, he loves messing around with his friends who love him enough to throw him off a cliff, he loves his family and he worships his crush.

 

None of these actions make him viable for being assassinated at the age of eighteen, that’s why he’s wondering whether to turn around and make a run for his life. Briefly, he wonders whether getting into a jungle (Library) with a vampire (Yoongi) is a good idea, since the last thing he wants to do is marrying Min Yoongi.

 

As they assume their seats in the deserted library, Taehyung briefly wonders exactly what he’s done to be slowly burnt alive by the passionate gaze of Min Yoongi. Taehyung has no doubt that his companion is plotting his slow yet excruciating murder in his head.

 

“So… hi?” Taehyung awkwardly says and Yoongi lets out a huff.

 

“I guess you know why you’re here?”

 

“Yeah. Namjoon said that I need to help you get into Hoseok’s pants. Though I will warn you that if that really is the case, I’ll formulate something that will destroy all your chances.”

 

“Big talk for someone who never even met ‘chances’,” Yoongi rolls his eyes, “but apparently you’ve been stalking my boyfriend for a whole year so tell me where I should take him out.”

 

“If it’s to get in his pants, I think even you’re smart enough to know where to go.” Taehyung glares, annoyed at the fact he’s here to help his crush’s boyfriend figure out what to do with their relationship.

 

“It’s a date” Yoongi rubs his temples, frustrated at how difficult the kid is being.

 

“What makes you think I will help you? Give me three reasons at the least and I might consider.” Taehyung speaks defiantly.

 

“Because one, I asked. Two, I asked. Three, I asked. Are you satisfied or do you need me to tell Hoseok how attractively you cried after messing up a simple shoot from the three point line with the court amazingly clear?”

 

“Yes, because blackmailing is the best way to ask a favor.” Taehyung brashly says, his glare hardening with each passing second.

 

“It is,” Yoongi breaks into a sly grin, “or maybe that one time you threw the basketball smack against Moonbyul’s face while trying to ‘pass’?”

 

“That was-”

 

Yoongi’s smile fades as he holds a palm up, “An accident, yeah yeah. But Hoseok sure as hell will be impressed when you had to be hospitalized because you passed out from Jaehyun's pass.”

 

“Jaehyun is huge, you can’t blame me for-” Taehyung feels that he’s slowly reaching his breaking point, and then Yoongi delivers the final blow.

 

“Maybe the coach will appreciate these information more.”

 

“You’re evil.” Taehyung’s words only have Yoongi smiling a little.

 

“So, are you in on the conspiracy?”

 

“I hope to never see you after this is over.” Taehyung gives in, defeat all over his annoyingly pretty features.

 

“You’ll see me in hell.”

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Probably (In)effective Seduction Technique#1: Ask your boyfriend's stalker for help

[In Progress]

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A.N: I blame Fusion for the JiKook.