As far as Hansoll remembered, he's always liked Seokmin.
From their first meeting, before they debuted. But, in a friendly way, back then.

How couldn't he ?

The guy was so warm and funny, even the other members could testify to that.

His catching laugh always held a genuine sense of humor and made him so happy.
He had soft, perfectly tanned skin. And his voice ? His voice was magnificent.

His smile seemed to make all of Hansol's worries melt away.

In fact, he was convinced that Seokmin's whole being must've been a gift from Heaven itself.

Hansol knows he's being so cheesy but who cares ?

When Seokmin arrived, a brand new trainee, he got along well with everyone quickly...despite the loneliness he experienced at first.

However, Soonyoung and Hansol were the two closest to him.

Although the members called the vocalist a cry-baby (affectionately, of course) during their trainee days, they all knew how much Seokmin worked hard. As Seokmin even stated himself, he could become so greedy with his passions and singing was one of them.

It was something Hansol adored about the tanned man.

Both of them were so close, so touchy together back then. When Hansol was struggling with bad thoughts or simply felt uneasy, Seungkwan and Seokmin were the members who offered him the most comfort. It worked the other way as well.
Of course, they liked the other members too but with MC Boo and Dokyeom it was different.

However,

As they grew and began performing several sets per day,

As their fame grew as well,

They began to drift away.

Hansol could feel it.

It's not as if they simply stopped talking to each other. Seokmin would smile at him from time to time or still do fanservice. But deep down in his guts, Hansol knew something was different.
Oh, for how he tried counteless times to approach the main vocalist so they could finally speak on the issue.
But they either didn't have time or the rare times he finally got to have one moment with him, he would just get so scared and spit out any lies that would come to his mind.

When they had eye contact, which means very often thanks to Hansol, he hadn't noticed any change in the vocalist's eyes.

Maybe it truly was inevitable ?

Seungkwan, who could sense that something about Seokmin bothered Hansol, offered to talk to the other main vocalist for him, so many times, but the younger just declined.
It wasn't Seungkwan's role. Hansol had to be the one striking up the conversation yet he couldn't even find the strenght to do so.

He had to let it go, let him go.

It was life, after all, Hansol would tell himself.

As long as these mini-interactions that were nothing less than fanservice were still here, he could go with it.
He promised himself not to worry over such trivial things in the future. He was a part of a group- no, a family on which an entire company counted. He had to focus on its work from now on.
And for months, that little mantra he kept repeating in his head everyday was enough to stay focused, at least during the day.
At night, the truth was quite different but he still had control on himself.

But, of course, it didn't last.

Shortly afterwards, unable to understand why, his heart would ache so damn bad he had to look somewhere else whenever Seokmin had any interaction with Soonyoung.
This feeling was simply growing in his chest, day by day.
At times, he would discretely leave to compose himself.

Soonyoung has always been like this with the vocalist, Hansol had no problem with that to begin with. Nonetheless, the most painful sight was that unlike with him, the relationship between the vocalist and the dancer didn't seem to fade away with time. It was quite the opposite actually : they looked even closer now.
The blond-haired man would always touch Seokmin's shoulder and whisper him some things nobody could obviously hear and so on whilst Hansol was struggling to keep all his feelings locked deep inside.

He never liked to show how he really felt.

He had learned since his childhood to somehow take things lightly and put his feelings aside so he would still be able to do his best, whatever the situation.
That's why everyone would say that he always seemed so relaxed sometimes, so “unbothered”.
So, as usual, Hansol had to play it cool.

So, he did.

He couldn't tell a word to Seungkwan, because these feelings scared him. He didn't want to hear these words. However, the latter knew how hurt he was and watched his band-mate, his friend, his brother, suffering in silence.

Hansol wasn't jealous when Seungkwan was chatting or laughing with another bandmate.
In fact, he was only jealous whenever Seokmin was involved.

Nobody else had noticed it, not even Wonwoo. Hansol was good- no great at pretending. Few months flew by and then, something happened.

He got sick.

The first symptoms occurred one night, in the practice room. It was 2 am, and Seungcheol had decided that it was enough for the day.
The leader and Jihoon were talking about their schedule while the rest of the group was literally almost-sleeping on the floor. They were pretty exhausted and tomorrow was going to be a long day (well, it was technically already tomorrow, but still). Hansol couldn't help it but take a look at Seokmin and his, he had to admit it, handsome features.

He froze.

Soonyoung was sitting cross-legged while on his lap rested his beloved's head : Seokmin's.
The performance leader was lazily his hair while the so-called “Happy Virus” face was t a tired smile.

He shouldn't have been surprised. It was surely not the first time they were in such a position and they weren't the only ones to do so after hours of practice.
But this was Seokmin and Soonhyung; and this time, it made him sick.

Hansol felt his gag reflex rocking his way up on his throat like he was going to throw up and quickly stumbled his way out so he could pour it outside and not on the carpet.

After few meters, he stopped and leaned forward, eyelids closing shut.

What a surprise it was when, in the cold night, he noticed that what fell on the ground wasn't bile or vomit.

Two beautiful chrysanthems, as white as the stars lighting the sky, were laying on the ground.

Pure devotion.

Hansol took one in his hand, flustered. Why on earth was he throwing up flowers ?

Why was his chest feeling so heavy now ?

A loud sound behind him made him jump in surprise.

“Hansol-ah !”

Seungcheol was running toward him. Hansol hid the flower in his pocket and turned himself toward his leader.

“Are you okay?” He stuttered out, obviously worried.

“I'm fine, don't worry. I was just feeling dizzy and needed fresh air.” the younger muttered, hands tucked into his pockets.

“Are you sure ?” Seungcheol countered, “Your face says something else. “

It was, all at once, so easy yet so hard to lie to Seungcheol. The older could be really observant at the worst times, just like Wonwoo.

“Well, i'm just tired.” Hansol mumbled, getting caught up in his own lie.

“Hmm, 'kay” responded the leader, appraising him and not really convinced. “We're leaving anyway, just come so we can gather our things and leave.”

“Yeah.” Hansol responded, nodding.

The eldest wrapped his left arm onto his dongsaeng's shoulders and together, they walked back to the practice room.
When they entered, everyone was standing on their feet, exhausted as they stayed silent. However, the rapper could feel Seokmin's gaze on him. He averted his eyes toward him and they made eye contact. But as soon as they connected, the vocalist looked somewhere else.

Hansol sighed and strolled over to to take his sweatshirt.

The walk to their dorm passed in almost complete silence, Soonyoung and Chan once again discussing the details of their most recent choreography. Hansol didn't mind to pay attention to their discussion, too busy trying to figure out the events that happened outside minutes ago.

Should he tell Seungkwan about this ? He didn't know if he should, honestly.

Yes, they were a band. A 13-member collective where each needed that one member who they could divulge the more serious topics too.
But he didn't want to involve twelve others in something he couldn't even comprehend.

He had to do some research before telling anyone about this.

*************

3 am began with Hansol lying on his bed. The dorm was silent, the chirps of a few random birds streaming into his eardrums.

A week flew by, and he was still throwing up flowers.

The pain in his chest was growing more and more.

Sometimes, even while talking, his breath would get uneven. It wasn't really noticeable, but he could definitely feel it.
Somehow, he managed to hide his state to everyone (or at least he thought so) since he'd always go to throw up at night, surely because nighttime is when all of this began, spinning out of his control.

The Hanahaki disease.

An illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs of flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals. The procedure is usually safe however few complications, such as different types of amnesia, may occur.

Rare but not unknown.

Actually, this disease was becoming less uncommon these days according to some studies. The amount of people throwing up their unrequited feelings was slowly but surely increasing each year.

And he was one of these people.

By the moment he read the definition and meaning of all of this, he knew what it was. Of course, denying it was the easiest thing to do at first. But it was completely useless.

His body was constantly reminding him of his feelings; his true feelings.

Now, the only sight of Seokmin's lovely face or even a glimpse of his voice was enough to stimulate his gag reflex.
Surprisingly, Hansol would always do his best to keep it down and he succeeded. It was difficult, but at least he was undercover for now.
He still hadn't told anyone about this. He wanted to confess to someone so he could feel lighter. The members were these best for him, and nobody would dare judge him on it.

Would it even change a damn thing in the end ? Would the pain evaporate ?

No. He would still remain sick as long as he- whatever. He had already made up his mind.
Hansol knew that his state would only continue to worsen and he'd made peace with himself by now. We all die, after all, anyways.

Lost in his thoughts, Hansol hadn't paid attention to the increasingly sharp pain through his chest. He knew the feeling too well by now and the event that would quickly follow. The American boy made his way out of the room and into the bathroom, making sure to lock the door. He bent over the sink and then, violent coughs racked through his frame.

Only spit and blood left his parched throat . He didn't know what the hell was going on at ths point but his chest felt so heavy he resisted sitting on the edge of the vanity, making sure to attempt avoiding the exhaustion that would be sure to follow.
It hurt, sure, but it made him feel alive. He knew he was messed up but the thought of loosing these feelings was the most painful thing at this point, it only served to fill him with emptiness.

“Hansol ? Open the door."

The young man froze. He immediately recognized the voice. Why the hell wasn't he sleeping ?

Hansol sighed, at least it wasn't his leader.

Indeed, Seungcheol was starting to get suspicious about the boy's health and wouldn't stop the worried stare that would span up his features.
They couldn't stay together for even two minutes, Hansol made sure of it. He knew that at the earliest opportunity, Seungcheol would demand a serious talk with him, managing to make him talk (the leader could be very persuasive) and to imagine that was...

A beg cut though his thoughts. "Hansol, please. It's Seungkwan..."

Washing away the sticky blood and spit with water, Hansol responded “Yes, I know. Wait.”, letting out a sigh.

He had barely opened the bolt before Seungkwan quickly entered the confined space, locking the door behind him.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on with you these days ?” Seungkwan demanded, posture firm in front of him.

“I don't know what you're talking about,“ Hansol mumbled, looking downwards.

“I'm not stupid.” Seungkwan retorqued pointedly “You're in here every night in here doing I don't know... something. "

Hansol kept silent. Don't say anything.

“To be really honest, at first, I thought you were touching yourself or something” Seungkwan blushed. “But I heard what I think were coughs and-” Hansol cut him off.

"I just-" 

Just as he was going to explain himself with another lie from his bruised lips, he began throwing up. 

The pain was immense to the point that he dropped down onto his knees; one hand clutching at his chest through his shirt as Seungkwan immediately kneeled down besides him, drawing soothing circle onto his back.

It was the first time that so many flowers slipped out from his mouth. It wasn't chrysanthemum anymore.

The floor around them was now covered in adonides.

Yellow adonides.

They were slightly tainted with his own blood.

Pain, painful remembrance, painful love. He knew what these flowers meant.

Days earlier, he had looked for the meaning of the flowers people were most likely to cough up.

Seungkwan was staring at his friend in disbelief. Hansol didn't have to say anything, now. He knew what it is.

His gaze was glued on the floor while Seungkwan was still taken aback by what he just witnessed. Hansol wasn't the crying type yet two pearls rolled down on his cheek.

The vocalist, who hadn't said a thing yet, hugged him. Seungkwan knew something was off with Hansol. But he didn't want to pressure him so he waited for the other to speak. But maybe he should have pushed more.
They parted from each other.

"It's Seokmin-hyung, right ?" Seungkwan simply asked, his brows furrowed.

Hansol remained silent.

"I don't want to force you, but damn Hansol. You've been suddenly acting weird and looked so tired. I've been so worried about you and you should know that i'm not the only one. All the members noticed it, they just said nothing. I just want to help you. I love you. And I'll never let you down, neither will the rest of the members. We are family. " Seungkwan rambled.

He felt the tears emerging again from his eyelids. He felt so broken; so guilty.

"Yes, it's him." he finally answered.

"Thanks for letting me know" Seungkwan didn't sound that surprised.

Hansol raised questioning eyes to his friend.

"I was pretty sure of that. You're basically burning holes in his back with your eyes when he's with Soonyoung you know.  And although you didn't talk about “being in love with him”, per se, I knew your interest for him was more than friendly, " Seungkwan quietly explained.

"But," he began, "I didn't know you had this, really. I'm so sorry Hansolie..."

"It's okay," Hansol chuckled slightly, but it was a joyless chuckle, indeed.

"Does anybody else know about this ?" Seungkwan asked.

Hansol shook his head. "No, you're the first."

"Oh..."

An awkward silence settled between them before Seungkwan hesitantly raised his voice again.

"I...you could get the-"

"No" the sick man stuttered immediately.

"But-" Seungkwan offered.

"I said no," Hansol stated.

Seungkwan knew the other boy wasn't very fond of talking about his feelings in general and that's why he preferred to say “no” without any further explanations.

"Sorry," Hansol muttered, seeing the other pained face. He sighed. "I can't. It's not even safe. I've thought a lot about this but I just can't. And it's okay, really." he assured.

Seungkwan couldn't really understand. Of course, he himself already fell in love with someone. And, love is a beautiful thing indeed but it also had its fair share of pain.
He really didn't know what to do for the American boy. It was hard to put himself in his shoes. Only those who had already experienced it could truly understand his friend.

However, he wasn't going to let him die.

"It's not okay. We have to do something."

"There's nothing to do." the rapper insisted.

Hansol got to his feet even though he felt dizzy. Seungkwan immediately did the same, and stopped his friend.

"I'm going to clean this up," he gestured around the enclosed room, "Wash your mouth and go to sleep, you look like ."

"Thanks. Good night." Hansol finally said with a weak smile.

“Yeah, 'night” Seungkwan replied.


Hansol the faucet and hurried to rid his mouth of the acidic and blood aftertaste. Seungkwan tried not to stare at him.

Meanwhile, Seungkwan was cleaning the floor, thoughts focusedon the whole situation.

He knew Hansol was going to hate him if talked about this to anyone, but it was his role after all.

Seungkwan couldn't leave his dying friend in such a poor state. All of the members were bounded in such a way that he just had to talk before it was too late.