Songs

Lauv - Reforget

Missio - Run to you

The sessions have been going on for three months now and Kibum’s habits have gotten better. He no longer chews on his lips or them, instead Jonghyun does it for him.

“Close your eyes.” The older commands and Kibum listens to him. He sits across from Jonghyun like usual, his eyes closed serenely. Jonghyun stares at Kibum admiring the way his black eyelashes dusted across his pale cheeks. No one knew about the depth of their relationship. Passing the boundaries of client and psychiatrist. Jonghyun rises up from his seat and steps towards Kibum.

No one would ever know until Jonghyun wanted them to.

Kibum listens to his nearing footsteps, gripping his hands tighter as Jonghyun draws closer. This was something else that Jonghyun had started to test on Kibum. Ever since their first kiss, their sessions grew to become more and more intimate. “Jonghyun,” Kibum calls softly, trying to figure out how close the older was to him. “Yes?” Jonghyun’s voice was right beside his ear; Kibum shudders, his eyebrows flinching slightly. Jonghyun chuckles placing a hand to Kibum’s shoulder and taking his chin with his finger. Kibum kept his eyes closed, listening to the sound of Jonghyun’s nearing breath. “Does this really help you?” Jonghyun asks in a low voice and Kibum shakes his head. “No,” he opens his eyes and their gazes lock and it’s like static electricity. “I just like it when you do it.” Jonghyun blinks in awe, a bit touched and then he leans in and connects their lips. Kibum’s lips are no longer as dry as they were before. They’re so soft and faintly he can taste the lingering bitterness of the Americano Kibum must have had this morning.

He closes his eyes as the kiss deepens, his own eyelashes fluttering with the yearning for more. He pulls back slightly parting Kibum’s lips with his tongue and his heart skips a beat when Kibum moans deftly into his mouth. It urges him on and he opens his eyes as he glides his tongue across Kibum’s bottom lip. He holds eye contact with the younger, his grip on his shoulder tightening.

There was so much more that he wanted to do.

He forces himself to pull away and look at Kibum with a smile. “Did that help?” he asks, his voice slightly hoarse and Kibum nods. Jonghyun’s smile broadens and he walks around the desk and takes a seat. He continues the session from where it had begun.

“Have you been trying to become more flexible with your schedule?” he asks and Kibum’s gaze drifts to the side. “…sort of…”

“Kibum,”

“It’s just,” Kibum heaves a sigh, nervously playing with a loose strand of his hair. Jonghyun watches as his finger twirls ‘round and ‘round the black lock. “It’s taking a lot longer for me to wake up later and to come here at an odd time.”

“12:25AM?” Jonghyun questions and Kibum nods. “That’s such a weird time. It’s not twelve o’clock or twelve-thirty.” Jonghyun rests his chin in the palm of his hand. “Exactly. I’m trying to get you out of your comfort zone.” Kibum shifts in his seat. “What else have you been doing?”

“I’ve…been talking to people more normally this time.”

“You aren’t staring at them like you used?” Jonghyun asks and Kibum nods. “Not at all anymore, at work, that friend of mine I told you about—Woohyun.” Jonghyun nods. “He’s actually a nice guy once I get past the wall I put up between us.” Kibum smiles faintly to himself and Jonghyun looks to him intently. “Nice?”

“Taemin would always call saying that he wanted me to come to the employee parties, but I never went.”

“Have you started going now?” Jonghyun asks and Kibum nods. “Yes…it’s fun.”

“Good…” but there was no enthusiasm to his words. “You say that’s good, but do you mean it?” Kibum questions crossing his legs and Jonghyun’s gaze drifts down Kibum’s comfortable frame. Today he wore black leather and a silk pastel pink shirt. It was a contrast between innocent and flirtatious. “No, no, it’s a good thing, that means you’re getting better.” Kibum raises a skeptical brow.

“Do you mean that?” his voice is so soft, Jonghyun has to lean forward to hear him. Jonghyun nods. “I mean it.” Kibum holds his gaze before looking away with a grin. His gaze moves towards the clock on the wall and he rises up from his seat. “I’ll be coming back on Friday.”

“Three days from now?” Jonghyun stands up too. Kibum nods. “I’m going out to Daegu for a while.”

“Oh…” Kibum turns to face him and asks with a smirk. “Will you miss me?” he teases and Jonghyun runs a hand through his platinum bangs. “Of course.” Kibum laughs lightly and he steps towards Jonghyun. “Don’t miss me too much.” He leans in and kisses the side of Jonghyun’s neck. “I’ll be back sooner than you think.” He pulls back, the bittersweet scent of coffee lingering in Jonghyun’s nose even after Kibum left.

Jonghyun was in love with perfection.

Kibum was that perfection, unknowing and oblivious to his own beauty.

Jonghyun was in love with perfection and he wanted to tear him apart in the sweetest way possible.

He leaves that day with a smile, his heart racing and his lips tingling with the memory of Jonghyun’s lips over his. Their actions all sort of rolled together into one and Kibum didn’t mind the lingering touches or the suggestive stares Jonghyun gave him the few days following their kiss. It made Kibum hopeful and it made him want to try harder to heal.

Christmas passed in a single heartbeat and the fluttering weather of spring was now in full bloom. The sky was colored a pretty blue that made Kibum look up with sparkling eyes. The world seemed different in his changing eyes. Gradually Kibum became blind to Jonghyun’s imperfections and instead focused on the little things he had grown to like about the psychiatrist.

His mole

The nose scrunch he does when he laughs really hard

The veins in his hands and arms

There were so many little things. Kibum sighs happily to himself as he heads down the sidewalk that led to his apartment.  He was going to Daegu because it would soon by the anniversary of Hyeongseop’s death. So many years gone so fast.

His mother had called him just last week to make plans for the anniversary.

“I don’t want it too big.” Kibum says cradling the phone between his ear and shoulder. “It’s not about what you want, Kibum.” He took slight offense to that because he and Hyeongseop were lovers at some point.

“What did his parents say then, hmm?”

“They want to keep it…big like Hyeongseop’s heart.” Kibum rolls his eyes; there she goes…lying like it’s the only thing she knows how to do. “Fine, I’ll bring some things from Seoul when I get there.”

“Thank you.” She says and he hung up, thin tears streaming down his cheeks.

He steps through his apartment doors standing in the silence and peering down the dimly lit hallway. The loneliness became more evident as Kibum grew closer to Jonghyun. He missed arms around him, missed the feel of someone’s breath against his neck in the early morning. Missed having someone.

He sighs bending down to pet Comme Des who had come yipping his way down the hall to greet Kibum. “Daddy’s missed you, my babies.” He coos running his hand over the fluffy dogs’ head. Kibum stares down at the dog with translucent eyes his thoughts elsewhere.

He had two dogs; comme des and Garcons and he always scheduled them weekly appointments with a hairdresser (for dogs of course). Their hair had to be cut to a perfect trim on their cute little heads otherwise Kibum would pitch a fit and wouldn’t visit the hairdresser for exactly two months and three weeks. But gradually he was growing out of such a habit. He no longer waited two months and three weeks to go back, just the three weeks.

That itself took a lot of effort.

He bounces back up to his feet and heads towards the kitchen where he would begin his meal. His schedule was always compact and to the point—that is—before he started seeing Jonghyun. But now that he’s seeing him, so many things have changed.

His need for perfection is slowly dwindling away, but Kibum fears that Hyeongseop will vanish completely once such a need is overcome.

“I’m not as addicted as I used to be…” he mumbles, his voice loud in the continuous silence.

Jonghyun steps out of his office and walks down the hallway, his leather shoes sliding along the tile floor. He was smiling brightly, his heart doing jumping jacks.

He was hooked.

Like a fish he was being drawn to Kibum, completely and undeniably so. He’s dated a couple of times when he was twenty-six but gave up on the idea on his next birthday. There was just no time for it—there were clients to be taken care of, there was Roo and he had to think about himself. “You’re at the age where you get married.” His mother had told him a month or so ago after a session with Kibum had come to an end.

Marriage?

He’d think about it sometime later. Right now—his focus—Kibum.

There were multiple occasions where Jonghyun had to physically glue himself to his seat. He’d grip the underside of his desk and listen to Kibum while his foot tapped nervously. It was on days like those, he’d find himself distracted. He’d tell Kibum to repeat what he said, only to once again be distracted by his lips as they moved. Kibum was mesmerizing and on the days Kibum wore loose clothing, Jonghyun would shyly look over his shoulder or not look at him at all.

“Good morning, Ki…” Jonghyun trails off his eyes widening. Kibum was wearing loose pastel blue pants with a matching top. The shoulder of the shirt drooped to the side providing Jonghyun with glances of the youngers skin. Jonghyun swallows, his throat dry.

“Such beautiful skin…” he says breathlessly and Kibum blinks. “Excuse me?” he asks and Jonghyun shakes his head. “Nothing, I was just saying it’s beautiful today.” Kibum smiles.

“It is.”

Want.

The word wasn’t in Kim Jonghyun—the psychiatrist—dictionary. It just didn’t exist. There was the desire to help his clients, but not the desire to…to—“Mr. Kim!” a bubbly voice calls out to him and Jonghyun looks up with wide eyes. Seulgi—one of his junior understudies—was racing towards him with a bright smile. Jonghyun’s expression flickers like a light bulb struggling to turn on and then he manages a weak smile. “Seulgi…” she skids to a stop in front of him.

“You’ve been so busy lately,” she begins to say and Jonghyun laughs nervously. “I was wondering if you wanted to get something to drink.”

“Right now?”

“Yes…since you’re free; I had some questions I wanted to ask you.”

“Oh…” his eyes slide to the side resting on the checkered tile floor before going back up to meet hers. “Sure.”

Kibum wouldn’t be back for three days. He’d have to get back in the routine of talking to other people. He laughs quietly to himself. A joke, it’s a joke.

The beginning of the three days

It’s a quiet Tuesday morning when Kibum heads out to Daegu.

So quiet and sweet. The train lulls him to sleep and he rests his head against the window and he doesn’t think about anything. Nothing at all.

And that’s perfect.

He arrives around thirty minutes later, his bag slung over his shoulders. He’s never asked for Jonghyun’s number even though he knows he’ll miss him. But having his phone number is irrelevant to their relationship. Kibum sees him nearly every day at the Pastel Help building and calls through his work phone. And that was fine.

He lightly slaps his cheeks readying himself for the oncoming emotional downpour. He walks down the street, his eyes shifting every which way trying to soak up all the changes. That shop was never there, since when was there an entirely new neighborhood and now there were several parks Kibum didn’t recognize from when he was younger. He laughs sadly to himself; he and Hyeongseop would always play late into the night at the neighborhood park. Their parents would later scold them when they got home, but the two would always laugh it off and make a bet to see who could stay out the longest. Eventually as they became older, the bets became different. “Let’s see who can hide the longest.”

“Bet you won’t touch me.”

“I bet you wouldn’t go out with me either.”

“Kiss me.”

Their secretive bets were whispered in hushed tones and it always made Kibum’s heart flutter when Hyeongseop leaned in to whisper beside his ear. Now it was someone else who was whispering beside his ear and making Kibum’s heart skip a beat. Jonghyun.

He reaches behind the potted plant his mother kept out front for the house key. He unlocks the front door and steps quietly inside as the sweet scent of just made muffins tickles his nose. “Mom, I’m home!” he calls tossing his bag onto the antique couch she must have bought at an auction. There’s a shuffling sound that travels from the kitchen, Kibum follows the sound, his nose leading him. “Kibum, do you want something to eat?” she calls oblivious to her son who was approaching from behind her. “You made me muffins?” he coos and his mother jumps spinning around and swatting him with the glove she had in her hands. “You nearly gave me a heart attack.” He laughs sniffing the air and sighing. “Smells amazing.”

A few moments later…

“His parents came by just this morning.” His mother begins and Kibum nods, taking a bite out of the blueberry muffin. “What did they want?”

“They wanted to know when you were coming…” Kibum swallows placing the rest of his muffin down and looking his mother in her eyes. “Why?”

“Because you were Hyeongseop’s closest friend.”

“Boyfriend. Does it slip your mind that we were dating?” he snaps and she sighs. “I didn’t mean it like that, Kibum.”

“Do they call me as that too? His friend?” his mother remains silent and Kibum scoffs rising up from his seat. “I’ll only be here for three days….they don’t have to worry about any old rumors coming back to life.” He glares her way before walking down the hallway which led to his bedroom. It had been untouched for years; his mother only goes into his room to clean it up and dust the dust. Probably telling herself that her son was a normal young man that dated women, slept with women—and dreamt of women.

But that night he dreamt of Hyeongseop and when he awoke to splash his face with cold water and go back to sleep, he dreamt of Jonghyun. And what a nice dream it was.

The second day

Seoul is as busy as ever come Wednesday afternoon’s, especially at the Pastel Help building when Jonghyun has back to back appointments and not enough time to worry about Kibum who is so far away. He smiles at the young woman who was sitting across from him, a nervous look in her eyes. “Kim Yoona?” he asks and the woman nods. “You’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder?”

“Y-y-yes.” Jonghyun slides the papers aside and leans forward. He smiles warmly. “I would like you to talk to me about today.” Yoona blinks. “Just say whatever comes to mind. I’m here to listen.” She fidgets with the hem of her skirt.

…

Jonghyun stands in his office staring out of the window and sighing to himself. He missed Kibum. He wonders about him; what he’s doing, what he’s eating and who he’s meeting with. He places a hand to the glass and stares out into the bright sky. Is he sleeping alright? Are his habits getting better? Jonghyun thinks back to the kiss from a few days ago and dazedly he touches his bottom lip with his forefinger. If he were to close his eyes, he’d be able to relive such a moment. Kibum’s warmth, his touch, the softness. “Mmm…” Jonghyun hums opening his eyes slowly and turning away from the window.

He wanted to see him again and ask about his day, but mostly he wondered what he was doing.

Right at this moment

who was he talking to, who was looking at his bright smile?

SLAM! He places the boxes of food onto the plastic table wiping an arm across his forehead and sighing. “Thank you so much, Kibum.” Hyeongseop’s mother says to him with a serene smile and he bows. “Not a problem at all.”

“Once everyone gets here we’ll begin the ceremony.”

“Yes…”

“If you want to wait upstairs you’re more than welcome to.” She gestures to the set of stairs to the left of the hall and Kibum nods. “Thank you.” She smiles. The ceremony was being held at Hyeongseop’s house where there were so many memories.

At his house they would stay up late watching cheap action movies and on some occasions they’d watch a romantic comedy per Hyeongseop’s request.

“A good romcom every now and then is good for the soul.” Hyeongseop exclaims placing a comfortable hand to Kibum’s thigh. Kibum rolls his eyes. “Only because you say so.”

They’d laugh and laugh and eventually they’d kiss.

Kibum stops halfway up the stairs his gaze drawing up each step. He missed him, even after so many years—he never stopped missing him. He swallows as he continues walking up the stairs. In Hyeongseop’s room they’d lay on their backs on the carpeted floor and talk about whatever crossed their minds. Sometimes—while Kibum was talking—Hyeongseop would reach over and take his hand.

He misses him as the time ticks by and the ceremony comes and goes—he misses him.

They pray and he laughs with his parents and then everyone’s silent and after all these years the emotions are still so raw. He’s gone.

Kibum notices the crease in his mothers pants and the out of place button on his father’s shirt and he turns away with a hiccupped sob.

Gone.

He buries his face in his hands and he’s tempted to his lips and chew on them, but he thinks of Jonghyun.

“Start by telling me your worries.”

The sigh he releases is shaky and he runs a hand through his hair.

Stop it. Just stop it. He tells himself before looking up and walking towards Hyeongseop’s mother. He embraces her.

Friday afternoon

Jonghyun is dozing to sleep in his office as the sun stretches on in the sky. He’s sleeping soundly with his head resting in his hands. To Kibum the positon looks uncomfortable, but he wouldn’t be that way for long.

Kibum sneaks his way over to the sleeping psychiatrist and he wore a lopsided smile, his white teeth shining. Kibum reaches him and he gently places a hand to Jonghyun’s shoulder and shakes him. “Jjong,” he calls. “Jonghyun.”

“Nngh…”

“Jonhgyun, our session begins soon.” Upon hearing the word session Jonghyun jumps up and Kibum jerks his hand away in slight alarm. He laughs lightly noticing the watch imprint on the lower part of Jonghyun’s left cheek. “W-what time is it?” Jonghyun asks still drowsy and Kibum takes a seat across from him and says softly. “One in the afternoon.”

“. What time was our appointment?”

“For one.” Kibum replies smoothly and Jonghyun nods. “Okay one….” He pauses and his eyes meet Kibum’s. His lips part with a question, but not a sound escapes him. Kibum’s smile broadens. “I wanted to try changing things up a bit.” He says in a relaxed voice and every bit of change in Jonghyun’s expression makes Kibum’s heart soar.

The way his eyes light up and how the corners of his lips curl into a comma on his cheek and to the breathless way he says Kibum’s name.
“Kibum…”

“Yes?”

“I…I’m so proud of you.” The phrase practically bursts from him and Kibum nods. “Thank you.”

“Anything else you wanna tell me?” Jonghyun asks with a grin and Kibum thinks about it for a moment before nodding. “I haven’t or bitten my lips while I was away.”

“Amazing!” Jonghyun bounces up to his feet filled with complete joy. He rushes around his desk and bends down to hug Kibum around his neck. Kibum’s eyes widen and he sits frozen by the sudden contact. “You’re doing so well, Kibum.” Jonghyun whispers beside his ear and Kibum completely melts. He tilts his head towards Jonghyun and smiles. “Thank you.”

“But you know…” Jonghyun pulls back slightly and Kibum turns to look him in his eyes. “Yes?”

“I missed you.” Jonghyun confesses and without saying anything else he connects their lips. The kiss is slow and sensuous, it has Jonghyun craving for more and more he welcomes himself to. He places both of his hands to Kibum’s face and lifts his head. Kibum’s eyes flutter in shock, but gradually he melts into the kiss, his lips parting as an invitation for Jonghyun to slip inside.

Jonghyun turns the chair around so that Kibum’s body is fully facing him and he leans into Kibum, their lips pressing together so hard it almost hurt.

Was it desperation for more? Want? Desire? Need?

Did he need Kibum?

He pulls away breathlessly, his lips shining with the younger’s saliva and he was huffing. Kibum’s eyes flicker across Jonghyun’s expression with a question. “Kibum…” his voice was low and sultry, like wine pouring slowly into a cocktail glass. Tantalizing.

“Yes?” Kibum’s voice was equally as sensual.

“I want to become your new addiction.” Jonghyun huffs and before he gives Kibum the chance to answer he kisses him again and this time he drags his lips down to the youngers neck.

Did he need Kibum? The answer to that question was a simple yes.

Session after session he found a new reason to like Kibum—to love him. The perfect Kim Kibum he once knew was slowly dwindling away and becoming a bright young man with a sharp tongue. His appearance was still kept to a tea and Jonghyun admired his classy style. He no longer tried to pinpoint everyone’s flaws, but there were still times where he would squeeze his hands and during their sessions Kibum would confess that he still looked for perfection in himself.

“I’m supposed to be perfect.” He blurts and Jonghyun listens to him intently, his expression remaining neutral. “Why do you think that?” he asks softly and Kibum shrugs. “It’s just something I’ve always told myself.”

“Well,” Jonghyun reaches over to swipe a strand of hair out of Kibum’s eyes. “Start telling yourself something different.”

“Such as?” Jonghyun pauses to think playing dazedly with the dark, silky strand of Kibum’s hair. “How about each day you tell yourself that you’re beautiful.” Kibum nods listening as Jonghyun spoke. “Find all the things you like about yourself.”

“What if there are none?” Jonghyun smiles releasing the strand of hair and leaning back. “Trust me, Kibum…there’s plenty.” The smile he wore was coquettishly suggestive. Kibum waits, wanting for Jonghyun to continue. “First of all your hair—you have some really nice hair Kibum.” The psychiatrist admits and Kibum smiles. “Thank you.”

“Secondly, your eyes and your nose is also cute.” Kibum rolls his eyes and Jonghyun continues with a tranquil smile. “Your lips…” Jonghyun pauses his eyes drifting to those pillow like lips. He swallows—no—it’s a gulp and Kibum wonders what he’s thinking. “Your lips…they’re…sweet…”

“Jonghyun,”

“And your…your hands are so warm and it’s not just your physical aspects Kibum.” He meets Kibum’s eyes once again and Kibum looks to him intently. “Your laughter, your voice, your shyness and your honesty.”

“I don’t…” Kibum begins but Jonghyun was smiling at him so sweetly, it shut him up. “If I said…I loved you…” his voice drifts like a feather on the wings of the wind and Kibum leans in ready to catch it. “If I love the you that I know to be imperfect…what would you say to that, Kibum?” Jonghyun questions and Kibum is rendered speechless.

Imperfection. Jonghyun was saying that he would accept all of his flaws, even the ones Kibum could yet accept for himself.

Is he just doing his job as my psychiatrist? Kibum meets his eyes nervously, but Jonghyun was still looking at him with that smile and that look.

“What would I say to that…?” he echoes and Jonghyun nods. Kibum gets ready to squeeze his hands together, but instead he notices Jonghyun’s hand lying against the table and he takes it in his. “I’d say thank you.” Jonghyun smiles brightly and he brings Kibum’s hand to his lips and kisses each one of his beautifully imperfect fingers.

Their sessions extended into the night at late night cafes, restaurants and Jonghyun’s bedroom where the psychiatrist showed Kibum all his deepest perfections.

His lips, the arch of his back, his hips, his stomach.

Jonghyun loved it all and Kibum loved being loved by him.

He fell apart perfectly in Jonghyun’s hands with the few words whispered in his ear.

“Flaws? I’ll love them. Scars? I’ll kiss them.” He kissed the mid of Kibum’s chest before continuing. “And Kibum? I’ll love you just the same.”

No one had ever told him that—not his mother, not Hyeongseop, not even himself.

But Jonghyun did. Jonghyun told him what he needed to hear.

Jonghyun, the psychiatrist who listened to all his worries.  

SESSION END | Time – 0:00 | "Thank you"

A/N so huh, huh, you guys get the irony of those last few sentences? He fell apart PERFECTLY. Something Kibum used to look for in everything, now comes to him so easily. Ah, love. I enjoyed writing this. I was messing around with my style a bit ^^