The night time is electric; each street light twinkling in the dark like the city’s own stars. And he sits in his loft, his legs crossed thinking about his new client. KIM KIBUM was written in bold letters across the manila folder he had lying on his lap. He raises a cold cup of tea to his lips and pauses before sipping, his eyes widening upon noticing the fine print written below Kibum’s name. “Well,” his voice drifts softly in the quiet room and he smiles to himself. Jonghyun was his name—a twenty-seven year old psychiatrist who spent his free time wondering about his clients and the safety of his dog. He had a strike of fame back in 2013, when he helped a schizophrenic client overcome the fear she had of herself. But now it was just him, his dog, his loft and his career. He didn’t need fame nor desired it, all he wants is to help those who need help and right now his new focus is Kibum.

On the other side of town where it’s dark and every street corner has a club, is Kibum’s living space. He doesn’t think much about the people around him—no—he’s excessive when it comes to the way they act, dress, look around him. They have to behave a certain way when he’s near to them. Kibum is a born perfectionist not only when it concerns clothes or the interior of his apartment, but his friends as well. He lies awake in bed thinking about the next day and his appointment tomorrow morning. “What is he going to think…?” he murmurs to himself. “Will he write me off as an attention seeker…” he turns on his side, his knees curling into his stomach. He declared himself a perfectionist when he was sixteen and the girl he dated always wore her skirt crookedly and it bothered him so much. But it wasn’t just that—he saw flaws in his own mother and when he looked at his reflection he always scrutinized every pore he saw. Better. Better. It all has to be better. Perfect.

He was lonely

And would always be lonely

Because who would love someone

Who couldn’t love themselves or their flaws?

Perfection. Perfection—I’m addicted to it. I need it.

“So he’s a perfectionist…” Jonghyun hums to himself placing his cup down and rising to his feet. He stretches and then walks down the hall to his bedroom. It was his plan to purposely wear mismatched clothes and act a certain way so that he could watch Kibum’s reaction and look for any twitches or grimaces. He had yet to see him in person, it was an appointment that was scheduled over the phone.

“Hello?”

“Yes, this is Kim Jonghyun of Pastel Help, what can I do for you?”

There was a pause and then Kibum replied. “I need help.”

“Of course.” Jonghyun had taken out his clipboard ready to schedule an appointment. “What can I help you with?”

“An addiction.”

“Okay, would you like to schedule an appointment?”

“Yes…please.” Jonghyun had realized that Kibum spoke in breathy phrases, his voice blending together like the wind.

“At what time?”

“Tomorrow morning at eleven, it has to be exactly eleven.”

“Alright.”

It was only when Jonghyun hung up that he noticed the date: November 11^th at eleven in the morning.

Amazing

The next day…

First he showered for exactly 20 minutes and then he checked himself in the mirror for five minutes before changing into a simple all white top and shorts which were cut at exactly 3 inches above his knees. He runs a hand through his hair and steps out into the fresh air. It was 10:35AM. The morning sun always bothered him—unnerved him to the point he always shuddered when he saw the sun. It was beautiful, breathtakingly so and it had no flaws. Kibum was envious of the sun which was so bright, so far and so high above him. He stuffs his hands in his black coat pockets and heads across the street. He would spend ten minutes in a café ordering an Americano and then he would make his way over to the Pastel Help building in which he was to have his first encounter with Jonghyun.

“Goodmorning!” a young woman wearing a pencil skirt greets him enthusiastically and he smiles her way as he walks down the hall towards his office. It took him 30 minutes to get dressed, stop by the gas station for something to drink and then to arrive here. He falls into his desk chair with a sigh and takes out Kibum’s file. He flips through the pages reading over what his assistant had gathered for him. “His number has called multiple times, but he’s always hung up.” She had explained and Jonghyun wondered why he did and why it was only now that he had continued a conversation. There’s a light tap to his office door and the woman from earlier peeps her head inside. “Kibum is here to see you.”

“Ah,” he straightens up loosening the bright tie he wore. “Let him in.” she bows disappearing once more and then a moment later Kibum appears. Jonghyun has to stop himself from reacting, he clasps his hands together and smiles at Kibum. What surprised him the most about Kibum’s appearance was the contrast to his white clothes and his pitch black hair. Honestly, he was beautiful.

Kibum dips his head down in a bow and smiles weakly back at Jonghyun who was now staring at him intently, his eyebrows furrowed. “You can have a seat here.” Jonghyun gestures to the red armchair in front of his desk.

“Ah, thank you.” Kibum sits and Jonghyun continues to watch him taking note of the way Kibum swiped a strand of hair behind his ear and the way he crossed his legs. He uses one finger when he moves his bangs aside and he crosses his arms making sure each hand is cupping one of his elbows.

“Beautiful morning?” Jonghyun asks beginning the conversation lightly and Kibum nods.

“Yes…”

“I think the birds are enjoying it as well.”

“Mm,” Kibum hums in response and Jonghyun laughs slightly extending his hand across the table towards Kibum.

“My name is Jonghyun and today I’ll be listening to your worries.” He winks but Kibum’s eyes aren’t on him, instead they’re focused on the way his tie is crooked and the way his trimmed fingernails are just a bit too trimmed. He looks down at his lap and his lips anxiously. Jonghyun’s gaze focuses in on Kibum’s lips and he notices how chapped they are. “When something bothers you do you your lips?” he asks and Kibum’s eyes widen as he meets Jonghyun’s gaze.

“…yes, I do it often.”

“Mhmm, is there anything else you do when something’s not perfect?” and there it goes—Kibum swipes his bangs aside and nods.

“I do a lot of things.”

“Like what?”

“ my lips, swallow,” he shrugs. “It’s just some little things.” Jonghyun nods leaning back in his chair and staring at Kibum.

“Does it bother you when someone stares at you?”

“Not really.”

“Do they have to look at you a certain way?”

“No, I just, when they stare I can see their expression and then I start looking at their facial features.”

“And what are something’s you notice?” Kibum hesitates before responding and Jonghyun smiles slightly. “Look at me? What bothers you about my face?”

“I don’t want to hurt your feelings…” Kibum mumbles and Jonghyun laughs leaning forward and resting his hands on his desk.

“I’ve heard it all, Kibum, please, you can be honest here.” He rests his brown eyes on Kibum—waiting. “I think you’ll feel better once you talk about it.”

“Well…” Kibum sits up, a new expression taking over his mesmerizing features. “Your nose.”

“What about it?”

“Your nostrils are disproportionate.”

“Yes.”

“And your eyes, one of them are double lidded but the other isn’t.” Jonghyun gives a little chuckle at that thinking to himself. No one else has noticed that.

“Is there anything else?” Kibum pauses to think for a moment and then he nods. “Go ahead.” Jonghyun says.

“Your voice…”

“What about it?”

Kibum shakes his head. “Nothing. Nevermind.” Jonghyun tilts his head and then brushes it off as he notices the way Kibum’s eyes are flickering across his appearance.

“What do you notice first about a person and what bothers you the most?” Jonghyun asks and Kibum’s reply is instantaneous.

“I notice everything from their shoes to the holes in their shirt.”

“Why?”

“Because if I don’t I won’t be able to look back at myself and see what is wrong.”

“What if there’s nothing wrong?”

Kibum shakes his head. “There always is something wrong. Always.” The conversation dwindles away after that and Jonghyun nods to himself as he makes a mental note of Kibum’s words. Kibum glimpses the clock from his peripheral vision and rises slowly up from his seat. “I have to leave at twelve.” Jonghyun’s eyes widen. Forty-five minutes had already passed. Jonghyun realizes that he spent the majority of the time watching Kibum’s actions and the tilt of his eyes.

“Okay, sorry, time went by so fast.” Jonghyun rushes up out of his seat and Kibum bows walking himself to the door. “Did you want to schedule another appointment?” he asks as Kibum opens the door.

“Sure.”

“Next time the focus will be more on you—inwardly. Are you ready for that?” Kibum nods and replies with a timid smile.

“I’ve been scrutinizing myself ever since I was old enough to comprehend my own thoughts, so yes Jonghyun…I’m ready.” He bows walking out and leaving a very much mystified and intrigued Jonghyun behind.

Everything was wrong with him, Kibum thinks to himself as he walks briskly down the empty street. He was so imperfect it was painful to look at, but of course Kibum didn’t know Jonghyun had worn those clothes purposefully. And what about his face? Who can smile like that while wearing that!? It didn’t make any sense to him and he had half a mind to stop from seeing the psychiatrist all together, but today’s conversation did put a slight ease to his mind. It was Jonghyun’s voice that soothed him. He’s slightly started by the abrupt ringing of his phone in his coat pocket and he fumbles around to take it out. “Hello?” he sputters and the person on the other end laughs lightly.

“Did I startle you?” it was Taemin, someone he worked with at his job.

“A little, what do you want?”

“A few of the other employees are meeting up for drinks and they wanted to know if you were interested.” Kibum looks up at the street sign leading to the subway. “Woohyun really wants you to come.” Kibum grumbles at that shoving a hand through his hair and walking down the steps that entranced into the subway.

“I can’t. I have plans.”

“Oh? What’re you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re visiting memory lane again.” Taemin murmurs and Kibum rolls his eyes.

“What is that supposed to mean…”

“You know you finished high-school years ago, right? And that first love of yours isn’t comi—“

“Hey,” Kibum says softly and Taemin stops from saying anything else.

“I wonder…did he make you this way?” Taemin asks thoughtlessly as Kibum reads the listings for the next train to Daegu. “You’re such a perfectionist; did he er you into some sick twisted love story?”

“Taemin. Stop it.” Without saying anything else Kibum hangs up and disappears inside the subway crowd.

Daegu was the place where he could be himself, of course there were flaws but they were tolerable because it was the place he was born. His home would always be a comfort to him. He glances out of the subway window watching as the world goes by in a single blur. It was hypnotizing—all the colors and objects blending into one—like an abstract painting that was just being formed. Kibum was in love with the scenery and yet he was jealous of it because no matter how hard he looked at the natural world, he could never find anything wrong with it. So he looked at people, with them, there was always something wrong. He clutches the handle bar tighter in his hand and closes his eyes struggling to get a quick nap on his way over to his mother’s. She always seemed busy with one thing or another whenever Kibum came to visit her, so on somedays he’d show up unexpectedly to see her reaction.

Today was one of those days.

His mother was also imperfect; he found her faults in the way she told lies so easily. As if she breathed such falseness.

The train comes to an abrupt halt and he’s jerked forward slightly as the doors come open with a fsssh. “Daegu. We’ve arrived at Daegu.” Kibum blinks hazily and makes his way off of the train. The air was so different in the country-side. It smelt like home. He inhales and exhales.

Daegu was his home and it was the place where it all started.

Hyeongseop and Kibum—the talk of the town—the little rascals that were as tight as a knitted sweater.

It all started with Hyeongseop and it all ended with him as well.

Kibum turns down the familiar dirt road he always walked when he was younger, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans.

Kibum had loved Hyeongseop—they were each other’s first kiss, first love, first…everything. When Kibum was younger he always saw his imperfections, but Hyeongseop told him that he was born perfect. “You know how stars explode into existence?” his friend had told him and Kibum nodded eagerly. “You’re a hot, burning star Kibum. So bright and beautiful.” They kissed on that day. They were both seventeen.

Kibum felt as though he were perfect when he was with Hyeongseop and gradually he felt perfect when he wasn’t around.

“M-mom, what’s wrong…?” it was raining that day and his mother was crying so hard Kibum had thought that her tears were like the rain that was falling. She met his eyes and shook her head. “Hyeongseop. It’s…Hyeongseop.” It was an accident. Hyeongseop’s car slid in the rain and he went over the railing and into the lake.

It all came back to Kibum in a single blow; perfection left his world when Hyeongseop forever left his side. It became something that never existed and thus Kibum became addicted to acquiring it. He wanted to find Hyeongseop again.

He stops outside of his house, his eyes landing on his mother’s hunched figure. “Mom,” he calls softly and she straightens up, turning slowly around to face Kibum. She stares and he walks up to her. “I just wanted to stop by.”

“You should’ve called.” She scolds and Kibum chuckles, mumbling.

“Surprise.”

A few moments later…

She was staring at him, a lukewarm cup of tea in her hands. She was waiting for him to explain himself. “Mom,”

“Yes?”

“I saw someone today…” she places her cup of tea down.

“Who?”

“A psychiatrist. He says he can help me.” He looks into her eyes and she sighs.

“Kibum, nothing’s wrong with you.”

“Obviously something is.” He snaps and she looks away from him.

“When Hyeongseop died, you were fine.” She says quietly and Kibum scoffs.

“Fine? I wasn’t fine, mom and don’t say that…”

“Say what?”

“That word…” kibum’s voice fades to a mere whisper. “…died…” his mother looks to him and shakes her head.

“That’s what happened to him, Kibum, you can’t change that.”

“I know!” he raises his voice slightly and she jolts in her seat. “That’s why I’m trying to change myself.” He rises up from his seat. “That’s what I came here to tell you…” he his lips and hurries out of the front doors.

Change itself was painfully imperfect.

Jonghyun found himself staying up late in the night with thoughts of Kibum—his new client. And as the weeks progressed, their sessions became something that he looked forward to. Gradually he uncovered more about Kibum.

Session two | November 15^th 2016| 11:00AM: Today Jonghyun was dressed in a white trench coat and khaki pants. Kibum hated khaki and he made his opinion clear when he walked in that morning. He looks to Jonghyun with squinted eyes. “Khaki.” The word tears from his lips and he sits across from Jonghyun stiffly. Jonghyun chuckles.

“Good morning, Kibum.”

“Good morning…” Kibum was still distracted by Jonghyun’s attire and he was biting his lips again. “Today we’re going to work on that habit of yours.” He leans forward on his desk reaching a hand out to Kibum.

“The lip biting?” Kibum questions in a small voice and Jonghyun nods.

“Take my hand.” Kibum blinks confused by Jonghyun’s order but he does as he’s told. He takes Jonghyun’s slender fingers in his.

“Your hand is warm.” Kibum comments and Jonghyun smiles.

“Thank you.”

“It wasn’t a compliment.” Kibum says briskly causing Jonghyun to laugh, but he stops immediately upon noticing how Kibum was chewing on his lips.

“Kibum,” he calls his name sternly and Kibum meets his eyes nervously. “Each time you want to chew on your lips squeeze your hands together instead.”

“My hands?”

“It’s something that becomes less noticeable with time.”

Kibum tilts his head in disbelief. “Will that…really work?”

Jonghyun smiles. “It all depends on you.”

“Then…” Kibum’s eyes flick down to their intertwined hands and he asks softly. “So why are we holding hands?” without missing a beat Jonghyun replies.

“Because it gives you a place to start.” He squeezes Kibum’s hand and smiles, the corner of his lips a curl full of his flirty personality.

Session Three | November 19^th 2016| 11:00AM: Kibum’s hair was the first thing Jonghyun noticed when he walked into his office that day. It was…messy and tousled as though someone had run their fingers through it and as Kibum came closer to him, Jonghyun saw the red mark on the side of his neck. And it clicked.

Clicked perfectly into place in his mind.

Kibum sat down crossing his legs and grimacing slightly. A flicker of pain dances across his face and Jonghyun’s eyebrows furrow with worry.  “Good morning,”

“Morning…” the conversation continues on like normal, but Jonghyun couldn’t keep the indignation out of his voice and Kibum must have sensed it because he said.

“You can ask about it,” he taps the side of his neck where the mark lay. “You want to know about this, right?”

Jonghyun averts his gaze and mutters. “It’s not my job to pry without my clients consent.”

Kibum smiles crookedly. “You have my consent, Jonghyun. Ask.”

The perfectly perfect Kibum, his perfect client was sitting across from him and his appearance was a step down from perfect and Kibum appeared indifferent about it. Jonghyun was confused, for the first time in years…he was left baffled.

“Did you…have any ual relations with someone last night?” he asks and Kibum nods.

“Yeah, I had .”

Jonghyun swallows forcing himself to continue with the questions. “Why?”

“I just wanted to be held by someone. Everyone has that feeling once or twice in their lives. Being alone and wanting someone.” Kibum’s voice was hoarse and Jonghyun noticed it only just now and it made his heart race… “I’m sure you’ve experienced that….Jonghyun.” there was a promiscuous way in which Kibum spoke and Jonghyun shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

“Having with that person, did it make you feel better about yourself?” he asks ignoring the twinge his heart gave the more Kibum spoke.

“Better? No not better…” Kibum’s lips part to his lips but then he stops and instead he clutches his hands together. “I didn’t feel better because he wasn’t him.” Kibum’s eyebrows furrow with pain. “I’m always looking for him in others.”

“Who? Who are you looking for Kibum?” Jonghyun asks but Kibum never answered the question, instead he placed a hand over the mark on his neck and squeezed his hands together so tightly his knuckles turned white.

Each session lasted approximately 45 minutes and once those minutes were up, Kibum would schedule another appointment and dismiss himself. And after each session Jonghyun’s longing to discover more about Kibum grew and grew. Until it became almost an obsession—possession. He wanted to be the only one to help Kibum.

He wanted to become his addiction—one that was good for him.

Session Four |November 21^st 2016 | 12:00AM: “Tell me about him. I want you to tell me about him today.” Jonghyun orders as Kibum looks steadily into his eyes.

“What if I don’t want to?” he taunts and Jonghyun smiles.

“I’ll be patient, but I believe your need for perfection started with him.”

“Right on.” Kibum mumbles with a smirk, but there was no joy in his voice. “If I talk about him, do you think it’ll stop?” he asks and Jonghyun shakes his head.

“It won’t stop permanently unless you yourself, tell it to.”

“What if I need to find someone else?” Kibum asks and his eyes meet Jonghyun’s. They’re pure, bright eyes and Jonghyun is slipping deeper and deeper into them.

This is wrong. He thinks as he stands up and walks around his desk towards Kibum. “Jonghyun…?” Kibum questions following Jonghyun’s movements and now the psychiatrist was standing behind him.

He places his hands to Kibum’s shoulders and leans down to whisper in his ear. “If you need to find someone else…” Kibum’s eyes widen as Jonghyun’s breath tickles his ear. “..find me…” he gives Kibum’s shoulder a squeeze before pulling away. “Perfection is something that you have to want to change for yourself.” Jonghyun says, the longing in his voice from before now replaced by casual kindness. “No one else can do that for you…”

“But I’m always looking for the imperfect.” Kibum says watching as Jonghyun walks across the office and towards the window.

With his back to Kibum, he says softly. “That’s because you have to find something in yourself, you like, something you admire.”

“But can’t you find that for me?” Kibum asks his voice as innocent as the morning.

Jonghyun wants to laugh out of pain and disbelief. “No,” he glances over his shoulder at Kibum. “I can’t do that.”

Because there’s too much I admire about you, Kibum.

Jonghyun was having a drunk conversation with his bestfriend Jinki. “I’ve been seeing him for weeks now and I—” Jonghyun hiccups. “I can’t get him out of my head.”

“You sound like such a hopeless romantic.” Jinki comments rubbing Jonghyun on his back.

“I’m too old to be a romantic.” He mumbles and Jinki cracks up with laughter.

“Then what do you think?”

“I think he’s just a client I care about a little more than my past clients.”

“That’s a little scandalous to say.” Jinki teases and Jonghyun swats his hand away.

“You’ve got to see him in person. He’s so ing beautiful.” Jonghyun mumbles taking another sip from the bottle of beer in his hand.

“I think that’s enough.”

“No!” Jonghyun shouts attracting the gaze of several other customers in the bar. “He’s so perfect and I think he’d still be perfect without even trying.”

“Isn’t that kind of…”

“I know! I’m supposed to help him overcome his obsession with perfection, but I want to show him how already perfect he is.”

“Are you sure you aren’t in love with him?” Jinki questions sneakily taking the bottle out of Jonghyun’s hands.

“I’m not…in love…I just wanna help him…”

Session Five | December 1^st 2016 | 12:00AM: This time there’s no desk or desk chair, the office is empty except for the bookshelf that stands tall in the corner. Kibum is confused by the sudden change. “Does it bother you?” Jonghyun asks leaning against the wall and Kibum spins to face him, his eyes frantic. “Something like this, can you ignore it?”

“…”

“I want you to try sitting on the floor and having a conversation with me.”

“But the desk and the chair…” Jonghyun pushes himself off of the wall and walks towards Kibum. He takes his hand and tugs him down with him.

“Ignore it.” He commands softly and Kibum watches the way his platinum hair flutters.

They’re sitting across from each other on the floor and Kibum keeps fidgeting with the tear on his shorts and Jonghyun watches him intently. “I want you to start the conversation this time.” He commands and Kibum stops messing with the tear to look up at Jonghyun. “Say whatever comes to mind.”

“Whatever…” Kibum echoes and Jonghyun nods, his eyes resting on Kibum’s lips for a split second before going back up to settle on his eyes. “Then…Jonghyun,”

“Yes?”

“Why are you doing this? Why do you help people?” his expression remained neutral as he asked the question. Jonghyun crosses his legs applesauce style and pauses to think.

“There isn’t…really a reason…” he begins slowly and Kibum shakes his head.

“There’s always a reason. Money, fame…so why?” Kibum was sitting with his knees resting beneath his chin and he looked so vulnerable.

“The reason was so that I could meet you.” He says lightly, with a playful smile and Kibum shakes his head, the remnants of a laugh in his voice.

“You’re joking.”

“What if I’m serious?”

“Then…” Kibum squints at him. “Then are you saying you like me…?” Jonghyun’s eyes widen and his heart skips a beat.

He can’t do this. A client is just a client—he can’t…

Abruptly he rises to his feet and asks. “Were you in love with Hyeongseop?”

Kibum blinks. “What?”

“You loved him and he loved you…the root of your perfectionism is simple Kibum…” Kibum looks up at him seemingly hurt. “When he left you, the perfection in your life left, isn’t that right?” Jonghyun asks and Kibum continues to stare at him speechless. “And so to keep yourself from getting hurt, you look for perfection in everyone else even though you know it doesn’t exist.”

“That isn’t…no, that isn’t…”

“You’re addicted to it.” Jonghyun states sitting directly across from Kibum, so close he could hear the younger’s racing heartbeat. “You want it. You search for it so you don’t love again, so you don’t lose again.”

“No,”

“To others you seem stuck up and selfish,” Kibum jolts slightly at each word, oblivious to Jonghyun’s hand on his knee. “But you aren’t…you’re just alone and you made yourself that way.”

“No, I didn’t…”

“Then who did?” Jonghyun asks his voice dropping to a gentle whisper. “Who made you this way?”

“Hyeongseop,” Kibum finally breaks, the tears spilling from his eyes. Jonghyun smiles sadly tilting his head so that their lips brushed.

“Then will you let me help you?” his breath was warm. “I’ll help you to realize how truly beautiful you are,” he closes his eyes slowly and Kibum was sitting still, his heart thumping loudly. “But first, you must start by telling me all of your worries.” Jonghyun finally leans in to kiss him.

Kibum’s heart exploded like that of a new born star and Jonghyun’s grip on his knee tightened as their kiss deepened.

Jonghyun is a psychiatrist and Kibum is his perfectly imperfect client.

But Kibum has found a new addiction and Jonghyun has discovered that perfection really does exist. In the form of a healing Kim Kibum and his precious memories. 

A/N Did you guys catch the contrast of the kiss being described as a new born star and from what Hyeongseop had told Kibum: you're like a new born star. It shows that together Jonghyun and Kibum can become like that star, a step towards their own form of perfection <3