___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Nothing is fixed. While Minah isn’t avoiding him as much as before, there is still a distance between them. Kyungsoo knows that it’s his fault, and he now understands why it’s growing. Yet, the new understanding does nothing to ease his mind. He can’t help the thought that his marriage is falling apart and that there’s nothing he can do to fix it. What Minah wants, he can’t fulfill. Because of this, he fears that he is losing someone who has been in his life for far too long. Someone he knows, has grown to appreciate, and wants to keep in his life. Someone close to him.

He watches from their bed as Minah shrugs on her blazer, a feeling of longing taking over. It was easier before, back when he didn’t know what it was he was missing. Back when he just accepted things without question. When he gave up on his dreams and wants, forcing himself not to miss them. But now that feeling is stronger, and he can’t ignore the unhappiness he feels. The unhappiness Minah shares.

She turns to him, smiles, announces that she’s going to work, and leaves. Just like that. No jokes, no laughter. That distance grows another inch.





As Minah closes more of herself off to Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo opens more of himself up to Jongin.

It’s Jongin that Kyungsoo spills his concerns to, and it’s Jongin that finds a way to take his mind off it. Some days they just walk through town, talking, laughing, smiling, happy. Other days, Jongin’s solution is coffee, lunch, or a movie.

No matter what they do, whether it’s sitting on Jongin’s couch and listening to him talk about whatever comes to mind, or eating together with silence surrounding them, he always feels content. He always feels at ease. He always feels comfortable.

And these days that craving of closeness is fed. These days Jongin takes his hand and locks their fingers together. The first time, Kyungsoo thought he saw Jongin blush. The second time, there was nothing but a grin. And after that, it became natural. But Kyungsoo felt safe in that way. Felt closer. He tries not to think of what it means, and only passes it off as skinship between friends.

But… Sometimes that thought hurts. Because sometimes he wants it to mean more.





It’s cold outside. Too cold for what’s considered to be Spring. The past few days have felt more like winter than anything, which Kyungsoo finds himself cursing. He hates the cold and is shivering due to forgetting his jacket at work. He blames Chanyeol for it. The idiot was at it again with Jongdae, and on his way out for lunch, they dragged him into their petty disagreement. Seeing as how he’s technically their boss (and “friend”), he probably should’ve paid attention to the fight. But he couldn’t find it in himself to care when he was in a rush to meet Jongin.

He ended up rushing out after fighting the two off with an annoyed, “I’m not your babysitter, solve your own problems!” And that is how he finds himself sitting on a bench at a small plaza. He forgets all about the cold weather when his eyes meet Jongin’s who is approaching, body instantly warming up at the sight of his… friend.

He stands up and tries to keep his lips from forming a too-happy-to-be-normal smile. Jongin has that effect on him.

He doesn’t expect for Jongin to flash a concerned look and before he can register it, Jongin is taking off his jacket and draping it over Kyungsoo’s shoulders. That concern is replaced with an approving smile and it’s then that Kyungsoo’s mind finally clicks with what is happening. Again.

As per usual, Kyungsoo complains despite liking the way Jongin’s jacket feels warm and cozy, how it’s slightly bigger on him, and the way it smells just like Jongin. “Why do you keep doing that? I’m not your girlfriend.” He likes to think that the forced annoyance in his tone is convincing. (It’s not.)

“But you could be if you weren’t married,” Jongin counters.

Kyungsoo tries to ignore the implications within that sentence and how it makes him feel. The best way to hide it is with a joke. “But I’m a boy.” Except, it’s not a joke. It’s a fact.

“Then, boyfriend,” he corrects. “You could be my boyfriend.” There’s an awkward silence after that. Kyungsoo is frozen by the statement, heart suddenly picking up speed. He can’t find the words to chastise or complain, and his hands won’t move to pinch or punch. But then Jongin elbows him and breaks the silence. “I’m only kidding, Kyungsoo.”

That doesn’t make Kyungsoo feel any better. He didn’t want it to be a joke. He wants Jongin to mean it, because Kyungsoo kind of means it when his first thought was that they could… That he would…

He tries to shake off the feeling. “What are you saying Jongin? Stop being weird.” Stop making me feel weird…

Jongin gives a half smile at that. “Yeah.” He chuckles, but it sounds forced. “It is weird, isn’t it…?” Kyungsoo pretends he doesn’t hear the slight hurt in Jongin’s tone. He writes it off as him being delusional, because Jongin doesn’t have a reason to be hurt, does he?

And yet, Kyungsoo doesn’t realize the way his mouth starts moving without him knowing. He doesn’t realize the words he’s saying until he sees the way Jongin’s eyes widen in disbelief. “But I wouldn’t mind it.”

Kyungsoo feels his face turning red when it finally registers that yes, he did in fact say that out loud. “If I wasn’t married, I mean.” Shut up! Kyungsoo tries to get his mind to stop, but his mouth is moving on its own, and Jongin looks like he’s about to fall over or something. Yet, Kyungsoo’s mouth keeps going. “I mean, you’re kind to me, you take care of me, and you’re really sweet. You always put me first, and you have a really nice face, and a nice smile. And your laugh is kind of cute, and you’re kind of cute too…” His face heats up even more, and Kyungsoo briefly wonders if it’s possible to die of a heat like this. He isn’t sure, but he would rather die than be in this embarrassing situation.

In an attempt to cover himself, Kyungsoo quickly adds; “Any girl would be lucky to have you. You’ll make some girl happy.”

Jongin is quiet again, but his eyes are still wide, and it has Kyungsoo dying inside. He needs Jongin to say something. Anything would be better than waiting for a response.

The surprise fades from Jongin’s face, and Kyungsoo notices the timid side of Jongin as it surfaces. He’s all shy now as he avoids his eyes, and that action only causes Kyungsoo’s heart to hurt. He’s ready to berate himself when Jongin softly speaks.

“You know… When you say stuff like that…” Jongin trails off and forces out another weak laugh. “Never mind,” he finally says. “You’re really sweet, Kyungsoo. Thank you.”

Kyungsoo still wants to die until he remembers that Jongin’s jacket is on him. And the smell of Jongin is so strong and heavenly that he decides he’d rather not die if it means he can’t be close to Jongin like this anymore. If he can’t smell or feel Jongin like this. He doesn’t want to lose that scent because Jongin smells good.

And he smells like a lot of things—apples, pastries, and some days cologne. But not the strong kind. No, the kind that’s faint, but deliciously sweet. He likes it.

He likes Jongin.

Oh. That’s new, and Kyungsoo isn’t sure if he wants to deny it. Because right now, looking at Jongin, feeling the way Jongin makes him feel, he thinks those words are the only thing that can describe it all.





Their time together is the same as always. Coffee together, talking, enjoying each other’s company. Except today, Jongin decided to take Kyungsoo to a different café, one he insisted Kyungsoo would love because it’s “just your style.” (He doesn’t know what that means, but he decided to go along with it anyway.)

They’re ordering their drinks when Kyungsoo sees the way Jongin eyes one of the smoothies on the menu. He decides to pay for their drinks this time, because he likes the way Jongin’s face lights up whenever he does. It’s in those moments that Jongin is clingier and showers Kyungsoo with excessive compliments. He likes it a lot, even if he won’t mention it aloud.

Predictably, Jongin’s face does light up when Kyungsoo orders for them. He says nothing about it, but he does lock arms with Kyungsoo to guide him to a table.

The café is a lot quieter than their usual one. The interior is different. The menus are different. The people are different. But Kyungsoo doesn’t notice the obvious differences when all he really sees is Jongin, who is saying something about who knows what. He’s not really paying attention, mind too busy taking in all of Jongin’s appearance; from his hair, styled messily, to the clothes that cling to his body in a way that’s almost always perfect. (Everything fits Jongin, complimenting his shoulders and height. He doesn’t even have to try.) He even takes in the shape of Jongin’s eyes, and the curl of his lips. Kyungsoo always does this. Can never stop doing it.

And Kyungsoo doesn’t dare take Jongin’s jacket off, even with the heat inside the café. He likes it too much, and he hopes Jongin doesn’t notice.

It’s as if what happened moments earlier is forgotten, that awkward atmosphere no longer there. Instead it’s comfortable, and they were still able to hold hands on their walk here. He doesn’t deny that he had slipped up and allowed for a small smile to reach his lips when Jongin grabbed his hand.

Can he even call it slipping up anymore? As the days go by, he’s grown more and more okay with allowing these kind of ‘accidents’ to show. More accepting of these ‘slip ups’.

“Oh, that’s us,” Jongin announces once one of barista calls out their order number. That snaps Kyungsoo out of Jongin’s trance.

Jongin goes to pick up their drinks—Kyungsoo’s coffee (as usual. Jongin even called him “boring” because of it) and Jongin’s smoothie—and returns to their table with his eyes just as bright as before.

“Aren’t you hot in that?” Jongin asks as he points towards the jacket Kyungsoo is still wearing. There’s a smirk that forms just as soon as the question is out, and Kyungsoo can already feel himself grow nervous. “Do you like my jacket that much?”

“Shut up,” he mutters and lowers his gaze towards his drink. “I paid for your smoothie so you should be nice to me.”

“I am being nice,” Jongin pouts. Kyungsoo chooses not to encourage Jongin’s teasing. He doesn’t think he’d be able to handle it. But then Jongin opens his mouth, a mischievous look in his eye. Kyungsoo is quick to shutting Jongin up before he gets the chance to speak.

He scoops up a small bit of whipped cream with his finger and smears it on the center of Jongin’s nose, and giggles laughs at the way Jongin blinks dumbly, confused.

“Adorable,” Kyungsoo teases. He smirks triumphantly as his mind starts to relax.

There’s a short second where Jongin processes what just happened. And then he cracks a smile—the one that makes Kyungsoo feel a little breathless, and a lot like his heart will explode—and laughs. Only Jongin can make him feel like this. Only Jongin can and have it cause this strange sensation in his stomach, in his chest. Only Jongin can make him feel as though he’s found what he’s been missing in life. Because…

The words don’t come easy this time. They stop in his throat, cause his sudden smile to slip away, and his mind is no longer in the present when he thinks of what they mean. But they’re true. It makes sense now. Or it has always made sense, but he never wanted to accept it until now.

Now he understands that the fluttering feeling Jongin’s smile and laugh brings is the result of a romantic emotion. He recognizes the need to reach out and touch Jongin as one that only a person who is attracted to someone would have. That missing feeling—the one that’s only present when he’s with Minah. That feeling of romance, love. Only Jongin can fill that empty space.

And when Jongin and Kyungsoo hold hands, Jongin’s hand is nothing like Minah’s smaller one. It feels different. And the differences doesn’t stop there. Even if Jongin’s hand is cold, Kyungsoo doesn’t mind because Jongin always makes him feel warm and hot all over.

And unlike Minah, Jongin’s not concerned with work. He doesn’t care too much for purple macarons or novels. Jongin laughs at his own jokes for sometimes longer than 10 minutes, likes to sometimes listen to the rain, listens to girl groups, collects and reads comic books, can talk about dance for hours. He’s clingy, doesn’t know how to cook anything but ramen and desserts, likes to lead but sometimes he likes being lead even if he won’t say it out loud. And he has the ability to read Kyungsoo like an open book, even if sometimes he has to force that book open because Kyungsoo likes to keep a lock on the darker parts of himself.

Kyungsoo thinks that if it’s Jongin, it’s okay to reveal those parts. He likes to think that Jongin has just barely scratched the surface of Kyungsoo at his worse—those times where he was stressed and can’t properly care for himself. Those times where Jongin was there to help him cope and relax.

And Minah—

Kyungsoo’s never payed this much attention to her. He never took the time to notice her quirks, or if her face scrunches up when she laughs like the way Jongin’s does. Yet he’s known her for eight years, has lived with her for five. They’re close, were close, and yet he knows Jongin’s every detail.

Jongin is kind, sensitive, childish. He’s everything Kyungsoo’s never wanted before, but he finds himself wanting now. Only because it’s Jongin. He wants Jongin.

He likes Jongin.

Oh. He likesJongin.

“Kyungsoo, are you okay?” Kyungsoo once again snaps back to reality and sees Jongin staring at him worriedly. He still has whipped cream on his nose. It’s cute. He’s cute. That thought is worrisome.

But it’s too soon to talk about it. He isn’t even sure of how to deal with the sudden realization, now that he’s allowed himself to accept it. “I have to get back to work.”

“Isn’t it too early? You still have thirty minutes before you have to be back,” Jongin says. There’s a hint of disappointment in his tone. His face has fallen, and his eyes are showing that same hint of emotion.

Kyungsoo would stay if it wasn’t for the fact that everything is happening too quickly for him. There’s an overwhelming feeling that sticks to his skin, and it doesn’t help that he’s looking at Jongin. Those words are repeating in his mind, reminding him of his realization.“I like him.” He really has to leave.

“I have an appointment soon,” he lies. Jongin doesn’t look like he believes him, but he doesn’t mention it like he usually would. Before Jongin can open his mouth to offer to walk him to his car, Kyungsoo beats him to it. “I can go by myself. I’m an adult, remember?” It’s his last attempt at a joke, hoping to get rid of the sadness on Jongin’s face. It doesn’t work.

Kyungsoo parts with an awkward, “Goodbye,” before handing back the jacket (despite the part of him that was reluctant to do so) and leaves as quickly as he can.





It’s when he’s in his car that he thinks about it again. That feeling. The one Jongin makes him feel. All of this is what he’s afraid of. What he’s been trying to avoid. Because now he has to face the consequences of what it all means. Now he has to figure out how he can get rid of it before it progresses. Because Jongin... Jongin isn’t Minah. Jongin isn’t the person he’s bound to. Forced to be bound to. And the pain of burying that emotion, trying to rid himself of it, is one that’s worse than he’s ever felt.

It’s supposed to be Minah. He’s supposed to feel this way towards Minah…





Chanyeol and Jongdae are both surprised when Kyungsoo shows up twenty minutes earlier than usual. They don’t get a chance to question it before Kyungsoo is quickly ordering for them to get to work, and when he’s finally alone in his office, he takes a moment to sit in silence. Minah’s photo is staring at him, the words scribbled in the corner feel as though they’re mocking him. There’s guilt, confusion, fear, and uncertainty. He isn’t sure what to do with these emotions.

And when the image of Minah begins to feel as though it’s too much, he places it face down on the desk.





The thought follows him through work, even when he tries to avoid thinking about it. He thought that preoccupying himself with work would help to ease his mind, maybe prolong the thought for just a bit longer. But he was wrong. And in the end he finds himself frustrated and stressed.

It continues to follow him home, and it doesn’t help that Minah isn’t there yet. The silence in the house allows for him to think, and when he goes to his study to work, it does nothing to distract him. He needs to deal with this emotion. To get rid of it somehow.

His phone vibrates mid-thought, the screen flashing Jongin’s name along with a simple; ‘Kyunggie, don’t forget to take care of yourself. Eat well and don’t overwork.’ His heart betrays him when it fills with warmth. And it’s then that Kyungsoo remembers he has to forget about Jongin. He has to give him up somehow, because he can’t have him.

The door to his study opens and Minah peeks in. “Kyungsoo?” she calls. He turns to her. “I’m home,” she says, and the rest of their exchange is awkward. Their smiles are forced, and the air doesn’t clear even when she’s joined him in bed that evening.

Kyungsoo tries not to think too much on his feelings. He doesn’t want Minah to worry or notice, because then she would ask him about it. Kyungsoo doesn’t think he’s ready to say out loud what he feels. It’s all too fresh and new to him. The realization, the want, how great of a want it all is. How it feels like a need.

Jongin.

Jongin always does this to him. Makes him feel things and want things he shouldn’t.





Minah isn’t sleeping, nor is she lying down when he finally enters their room. She’s sitting with her back against the headboard, her eyes looking down towards her lap where her hands are gripping the blanket. He takes a seat beside her in the same position and is only flooded with comparisons of her and Jongin; from Minah’s nose to the width of her shoulders, the way her hair falls to them, the shape of her eyes—any and everything that looks nothing like Jongin.

Jongin is stuck in his head—in his heart. And ridding himself of anything pertaining to him is proving to be impossible as Kyungsoo tries his hardest to force it out. To force Jongin out.

Then Minah suddenly speaks, and it’s enough to distract him. “Yixing’s wedding is tomorrow,” she announces. Her eyes never leave her lap.

“Yeah,” he agrees.

Her lips turn downward, and there’s something different in the way she is acting. This time the distance between them feels odd. It feels wider. As if they were oceans apart. “I’m not going….”

“What?! Why?!” He can’t hide the surprise in his tone. Minah had been talking nonstop about the wedding since the invitations were sent. She had been looking forward to it for months.

“Because…” she trails off. Her eyes are wet, and it’s a sight Kyungsoo has never witnessed before. Minah’s always been strong, happy. Optimistic. Even when she’s upset or hurt, she never cries. Even when she’s angry, she never cries.

His initial surprise is now replaced with worry.

“Minah, what’s wrong?” he asks softly. Her eyes haven’t left her lap and her grip is tight on the covers as she continues to fight whatever tears are threatening to fall. His hand reaches out to touch her shoulder, but he hesitates halfway. Something is telling him that he’s the reason, that he had done something to upset her.

He wants to help. He’s not sure how to but he tries because it’s Minah, the friend he had let drift away. The one he has known for years and the first person he’s ever grown close to.

But then she’s speaking again and her words have him halting all movement and thoughts.

“Kyungsoo, I want…” Her breath hitches. “I want a divorce.”

Silence.

It’s silent for what feels like hours. Kyungsoo’s mind blanks at the words, his body suddenly feeling drained. He didn’t see it coming. Didn’t think it would ever happen. Because they both know the consequences. Because they both agreed to stay in this forever. Because losing Minah means losing the first person he’s ever been able to call a friend.

“Why?” It comes out smaller than he wanted. Weaker than he wanted.

As if he didn’t know why. He knows. He should know. Because it’s his fault, isn’t it? That she’s this unhappy, possibly more than he is, because of his own feelings and inactions. Because he couldn’t be what she wanted, couldn’t feel what she wanted. Because he’s been selfish.

“I’m moving out, Kyungsoo.” She sniffs and her hand comes up to wipe at her eyes. “I need to be alone, and I need you to understand that.”

He doesn’t get the answer he needed, and her sudden news only adds to the many questions he has. It’s his fault, he thinks. And he tries to be understanding. He doesn’t have a say, does he? It’s what would be best for them. It’s what Minah wants and what will make her happy.

But she remains staring down at her lap. There’s nothing but silence between them once again. This time it’s full of heavy emotions. Sadness. Regret. Guilt. Everything Kyungsoo feels.





Her closet is empty of her clothes. Her toothbrush is missing from their bathroom. Her shoes are no longer by the door.

Kyungsoo sits at the kitchen table. He tries not to feel hurt, because he knows that this is what he’s brought on himself. He knows that it’s his fault for being unable to control his own feelings. For being unable to love her or treat her the way she needed to be treated. The way she deserves to be treated. Minah deserves better than him.

But Minah is a huge part of his life. And now she’s leaving.

He tries his best to keep his emotions at bay. He helped her with packing, with her suitcases, and it’s now, as she gathers the last of her things, that the feeling is surfacing.

She wheels the last suitcase out into the living room, this one much smaller and she had insisted on carrying it herself despite Kyungsoo’s constant offers. She sets it down and approaches him with a small smile. “Thank you,” she says. “For helping me with my bags.” Her eyes look down before returning to his own.

Kyungsoo forces on a weak smile. “It’s fine, Minah.” They don’t say anything for a while. Minah stands for a while longer with her eyes trained on the wood of the table, and Kyungsoo is trying hard to keep his expression composed. The air feels heavy with tension, both aware that this is the end of their marriage.

Minah’s the one who speaks first with her goodbye. Kyungsoo offers to walk her to her car, and when he does they officially part ways.

Their parting isn’t dramatic. He doesn’t cry, but the way he feels inside is weird. He’s never loved Minah the way a husband should love his wife. But he loves her as a friend. His best friend. And now that she’s gone, he doesn’t know if they’ll ever be as close as they used to. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever get to see her after it’s all over.

Everything feels… somewhat empty. Lonely.





Days go by. He doesn’t answer any phone calls or messages. He doesn’t know how to handle Minah’s sudden departure. Spending eight years together, he’s gotten used to her company. He’s gotten used to her laughter and her voice. Her jokes and her smiles.

The change hits him harder than he expected.





“I thought I told you dead doesn’t look good on you.” Kyungsoo’s heart jumps at the voice, familiar and warm. It’s the first he’s felt that alive in days. Only one person can do that to him. The one person he’s been avoiding. Has been dreading to talk to. He’s still confused. He’s still hurting and unsure. Still overwhelmed. “Also, you should really change your passcode. Jongdae didn’t think twice before telling me. I wouldn’t trust him.”

Jongin chuckles at his joke, but Kyungsoo can’t find the will to move or respond. He can’t even find it in him to curse Jongdae.

Without invitation, Jongin climbs into bed beside Kyungsoo and faces him with one arm resting comfortably beneath his head. Kyungsoo doesn’t look Jongin in the eye. He’s too afraid of what emotions that’d bring. Jongin is already close, the distance being one greater than what he’d usually consider ‘too close’.

Jongin smiles, but it’s small and his eyes are full of the kind of pity Kyungsoo hates. “They said you were on leave,” he says. “For being sick…” Kyungsoo doesn’t respond. Doesn’t feel like responding. “I haven’t heard from you in a while,” he continues. “I thought it was something serious. I got worried so I came to see…”

Jongin was worried. That tugs at his heart. Because even with the sudden depressing feelings from Minah’s departure, the fact that Jongin always cares for him makes him feel happy (and also scared).

“But you’re not sick are you?” Silence. A bit of guilt. “You look sad…” More silence. Another pull at his chest.

He forgot that he had left Jongin waiting. That he had lied to escape the suffocating atmosphere. That he never gave an explanation. That Jongin looked a bit hurt after seeing right through him. That he hadn’t talked to him since. He forgot that he has feelings for this person—the one who is making him feel conflicted.

He forgot that he… likes him… trusts him…

“Minah,” he finally says. “She left.” Kyungsoo can see the way Jongin’s eyes widen, and the way that he forces himself to suppress whatever questions he has. Kyungsoo’s thankful, because it’s still too much to explain.

“I’m sorry Kyungsoo—”

“I didn’t love her,” he interrupts. Kyungsoo looks up at Jongin. He’s never said it out loud before. “I don’t love her.”

“What—”

“She was my first friend. My closest friend. But I don’t love her that way…”

Jongin is quiet for a while. His mouth opens and close, as if he’s unsure of what to say. Kyungsoo doesn’t think Jongin would understand that what he really wants to say is that he’s actually confused, because Jongin makes him feel so much, and he’s not ready for these feelings to register. He’s not ready to deal with them. He’s not ready to talk about it.

And he wants to blame Jongin. To say that this divorce is all his fault because now Minah’s stuck. Now she has to face her family, the criticism, the rumors. Because now Minah’s hurt. Because Jongin only made things even more complicated.

Because Jongin had to come into his life and made Kyungsoo like him.

But he can’t blame Jongin.

“Things aren’t so simple,” Jongin quotes. “That’s what you said when I asked you before…”

“Love doesn’t matter to my family,” he explains. “It’s all about image and money. Minah is kind, funny, sweet... I didn’t have anyone until she came along. I didn’t know how to interact with anyone. Minah made me smile first. It had been a long time since I had truly smiled, but she made a joke the first time we met. I thought that I would come to love her. I thought things would be okay between us. We were close…” Were. “But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t love her. I tried. I tried for her. But then you—” Kyungsoo cuts himself off there.

He watches as Jongin’s face twists into confusion. Kyungsoo almost said it. Almost admitted it out loud; how Jongin makes him feel.

“Me?” Jongin asks. There’s a hint of interest within his eyes. Kyungsoo panics, and looks anywhere but the face in front of him.

“You came in,” he explains. “And… And you’re my friend too, right?” Eyes return to Jongin. He thinks he’s covered himself, but Jongin look tense.

“Kyungsoo, I understand why you’re hurt. Minah, she was closest to you. You miss her.”

“I do,” he admits.

Jongin doesn’t say anything for a while, but his expression is thoughtful—lips pressed together, eyebrows furrowed. Whatever he wants to say, it must be hard to admit.

“I told you before that I’ve been hurt, right?” Kyungsoo gives a hesitant nod. “I know what it’s like to have someone you care about leave you. I wouldn’t… I want to be…” Jongin stops there and hides his face in the pillows. Kyungsoo, in midst of confusion, admits to himself that even when flustered, Jongin is cute. And Jongin’s action makes him smile. He hasn’t smiled since Minah left.

“Even like this, you’re cute.” It was supposed to come out as teasing, but instead it sounded more affectionate. Kyungsoo can’t cover the way it sounds, and Jongin seems to notice with the way he tries to burrow further into the pillows. He whines, but it’s muffled.

Kyungsoo’s smile widens an inch.

“I’m trying to say that you can trust me too,” Jongin explains. His words come out muffled, and his embarrassment has Kyungsoo petting his hair to comfort him. “I don’t want to ever leave you...” Jongin resurfaces then, eyes wide in panic, and he rushes to add on, “Not that Minah wanted to leave! Or that she was untrustworthy! She seemed really sweet and—and I know that you two were close. I didn’t mean—I meant that—”

“Nini,” Kyungsoo teases (this time successfully). Jongin grows flustered at the nickname, and this time it seems that the tables have turned between them. “It’s okay. Minah just did what was best for us. She was hurting too.” Jongin visibly relaxes. “And Jongin… I trust you.”

Somehow, Kyungsoo feels a little better, lighter. Happier. He doesn’t feel weighed down with guilt or loneliness.

For once, Kyungsoo doesn’t feel overwhelmed by his feelings for Jongin. He craves it again. That closeness. Jongin’s presence and attention. Jongin’s touch. Now all he wants is for Jongin to stay. To make him feel happy all the time. He doesn’t know how to say that without sounding weird.

He decides to try anyway.

He moves his hand to Jongin’s own and intertwines their fingers, staring at the way they fit into each other (because looking Jongin in the eye right now is too embarrassing). “Can you… stay?” he asks, and his eyes flick up to Jongin only to look away again.

Kyungsoo doesn’t see Jongin’s smile, but the way Jongin’s grip on his hand tightens is enough to tell him that Jongin likes that idea a lot.

“Always, Kyunggie.”

Jongin once again whines when Kyungsoo pinches at his arm. It’s revenge for making him like him, Kyungsoo justifies.





Not long after Minah moved out, the news got back to his own family. His mother had called when she heard, wanting to know why Minah had moved out. She didn’t know much about the details, and in the end he had to tell her about the divorce. Kyungsoo was lucky to have Jongin next to him as he did so, and an encouraging smile was what kept the feeling of guilt from spreading.

The more days passed, the more often Jongin is by his side. Kyungsoo likes that. Needs it.

He doesn’t stay at his own home often, at least not alone. There’s still an ache when he’s there and reminded of how much has changed over the years. So he spends more time at Jongin’s home. And there are nights where Jongin stays over, sleeping in his same bed, close enough for him to touch and feel the warmth of another person. But it’s only ever innocent. Only ever sleeping.

He thinks Jongin only does it to keep him from feeling lonely. He’s thankful, happy, because Jongin always cares.

And he finds himself admitting his feelings more often. (Although, it’s only ever said within his own mind. Never aloud.)

It still hurt sometimes. To think of those feelings and how he’ll never be able to reach Jongin. But being with Jongin feels so good that he can’t bring himself to worry over that.

And sometimes (when they’d catch each other’s eyes, because Kyungsoo wants to admire Jongin’s face, and Jongin seems to catch him each and every time), he wonders if Jongin ever feels the same way he does.





He sits across from her, eyes cast down as he stares at the ring on his finger. It’s the last time he’s wearing it. He hadn’t taken it off, because it’s the last connection he really has with Minah. It’s a symbol of their friendship, how close they were, and how much of his life was spent with her.

Kyungsoo can’t look her in the eyes. Not without feeling guilt and sadness. He can see it on her face, the stress she feels. The hurt. He can hear Minah discussing their agreed arrangements with their lawyer, but he isn’t paying attention to their words. There’s an ache within his chest as he continues to burn every inch of the gold band into his memory.

Kyungsoo hated hurting her, hated seeing her in pain, knowing that during their time her feelings towards him were much stronger than his own.

She wasn’t happy either.

They needed this.





Kyungsoo doesn’t expect for Minah to stop him on his way out. She places a hand on his shoulder, her smile timid and he had never seen her shy or nervous before. “I uhm… Can we talk?” He tries to hide the surprise in his voice when he agrees. Minah hadn’t spoken to him since she left. She hadn’t contacted him either, and he was left with the impression that she was angry. But right now, she doesn’t look angry.

And so they sit at a nearby coffee shop. The white cup full of coffee meets her pink lips as she takes a sip before setting it back down to speak. “I know about you and Jongin,” she begins. Kyungsoo chokes on the bagel he ordered, and Minah panics. She quickly hands him a napkin and his glass of water, which he accepts with watery eyes and a small smile. “I’m sorry, that was too forward.”

“It’s fine,” he says as he regains his composure.

“What I meant was that I know you and Jongin are close…” There’s uncertainty in her eyes when she pauses. Kyungsoo listens with his heart rate increasing, feeling as though he’s been caught. He never cheated, not once. But the thought of having feelings for someone other than his wife feels close enough to the act. “And I know that you don’t feel for me that way you feel for Jongin,” she continues. “I know you love him.”

Kyungsoo chokes again, heart threatening to leap out his chest, and heat rising to his face at the choice of words. Minah rushes to correct herself again. “Or at least, there’s something between you two. Something close to love.”

“Jongin doesn’t feel that way,” he says. Then he hesitates, timid and unsure. “Does he?” he asks, voice small. Minah gives him a sympathetic look that only adds to his embarrassment.

“You’ve always been dense about these things, haven’t you?” She sighs. “I’m not the person you should ask about that. But the way you look at him, act around him, treat him, I can see it. And I’ve always known.” The corner of her lips turn down, but her eyes never leave his face. “I know you don’t love me.” There’s a pang in his chest. “And I know you’ll never love me.” Another pang.

“But that’s okay,” she says. “Because it isn’t your fault. It’s okay that you want him, and it’s okay that I’m not what you wanted. You can’t help who you fall in love with, and we were both forced into this before we even had a chance to really know what love is. I didn’t divorce you because I’m angry at you, Kyungsoo. I wanted a divorce because I want you to be with someone you love and someone who loves you back.”

Her frown vanishes, and she’s smiling again. This time it’s wider, brighter, and real. That guilt fades as she continues to speak. “I want to also find someone who loves me back. I don’t want us to be unhappy. I want you to be happy, and I want to be happy. So let’s be happy, Kyungsoo, okay?”

“I took you for granted,” he acknowledges regretfully. “And I hurt you.”

“You did.” Her smile falters. “But it’s okay, because I’ll get over you. We may have been married but your heart never belonged to me. Maybe I’m a little sad that you don’t love me, but I’m a strong girl.” She lets out another sigh. “Kyungsoo, if you want him and he wants you, then you should fight for him. Don’t run anymore. Don’t hurt him. You’re not a kid anymore. You don’t have to please your parents anymore. It’s your life, and you should be the one living it.” She places a hand on top of his. “You don’t have to hurt anymore. You’ve given up enough, don’t you think?”

Kyungsoo doesn’t respond. He isn’t sure of how to respond.

As usual, Minah is thinking of him. Always has been. She’s right. He knows that he’s spent his whole life doing what his parents had said, trying his best to be less of a burden and more of a son they’re proud of. Their approval means so much to him. Minah knows that too.

“That’s all I wanted to say.” She sets aside her coffee and reaches down to grab her purse to leave. Kyungsoo quickly moves to grip her wrist before she can leave.

“Wait, Minah.” She turns to look at him. “Thank you,” he says. Her lips turn upward into a slight smile, but this one isn’t real. “I’m sorry.” Because Minah does deserve someone who loves her. Because Minah is too pure and sweet to hurt. She ruffles his hair and sighs.

“Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault that we’re in this mess, is it? Despite what you may think, you’re a good person who deserves nothing but the best. Maybe when I’ve moved on, we can be friends again,” she suggests.

Kyungsoo smiles, one that’s genuine. “Of course,” he says.

“And Kyungsoo, if Jongin hurts you I will personally kick his .” Then Minah laughs, and he hasn’t realized how long it’s been since the last time he’s heard it. Something about hearing Minah laugh happily has him relieved. Maybe the damage isn’t too permanent. Maybe they’ll be okay.

When she leaves, Kyungsoo feels as if a weight has been lifted. He stares down at the cup, a pink color staining the rim. With a sigh he sets the money on the table and leaves.





The conversation floats in his mind for the rest of the day. And the day after that. And the day after that. And the days go on.

He thinks about what Minah said, wondering if he should confess to Jongin. Every day that they’re together, Kyungsoo finds himself wanting to. It’s when Jongin is laughing, smiling, talking, breathing, that Kyungsoo is close to blurting it out. But then the words get stuck in his throat, and there’s a different kind of fear.

Jongin might not feel the same.

Despite all the flirting Jongin does, there is always the chance that he doesn’t mean any of it—that Jongin only thinks of it as joke. The possibility worries Kyungsoo, making his heart plummet, his mouth dry, and his throat tight, and he’s backing out of confessing again.

The longer he waits to confess, the harder it gets to be around Jongin. Because Jongin’s every touch, every breath, and every smile drives him to a point of insanity—his only thoughts being Jongin, Jongin, Jongin, and how he’d love to do couple things as a real couple.

Like right now. Jongin is resting his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder (like always), laughing every now and then at the movie they’re watching in Jongin’s livingroom. It’s a couple thing. And when they held hands earlier, that was a couple thing, too. And so was the way Kyungsoo had sat just a tad bit closer than usual, and the way he had adored Jongin’s every move; the way he had smiled just a tad bit wider when Jongin called him “Kyunggie,” and stared just a tad bit longer when Jongin spoke.

He even let Jongin talk him into buying matching keychains on their way home to Jongin’s home. “It’s cute, like us, isn’t it?”, Jongin had said. And Kyungsoo had been too flustered to think, only muttering a “You really are twelve.”

Couple things.

Jongin’s laugh has Kyungsoo returning to the present. He wasn’t paying attention. “You’re not watching,” Jongin states. He looks up at Kyungsoo and their eyes meet for only a second before Jongin is sitting up and pulling away. Kyungsoo misses the proximity already. “Do you not like it? We can watch something else if you want.”

“No, I like it,” he argues.

“You liar, you weren’t watching it,” Jongin accuses. “You didn’t laugh at anything and you’ve been quiet since it started. Are you thinking again?”

“A little,” he admits. He doesn’t like how he’s suddenly growing shy.

“Of me?” Yes, Kyungsoo thinks. He opts for playfully shoving Jongin, although there’s barely any force in it. Jongin smiles anyways, and returns his head to its resting spot. “I’m only kidding, Kyunggie.”

Kyungsoo likes it most when Jongin curls into his side, cuddles him, clings to him. Kind of like he is now. It does something to Kyungsoo’s chest, stomach, body. I like you…, he thinks. It repeats over and over in his mind, and he thinks he should blurt it out. He’s afraid that he’s going to. But he’s afraid that it’ll scare Jongin away. Kyungsoo’s afraid of losing yet another friend due to his own selfish emotions. He doesn’t want to lose Jongin, too.

“Kyungsoo? Is there something wrong?”

Kyungsoo can feel the confession on the tip of his tongue, threatening to fall. It’ll be too late then. He wouldn’t be able to take it back. So he panics, and tries to think of something—anything—that is less embarrassing than a confession.

“Have you ever liked someone who doesn’t like you back?” It’s not exactly what he wanted, but the way Jongin’s eyebrows furrow in confusion is better than a look of disgust or a rejection. Then Jongin’s face falls.

“A few times,” he answers. “But it was a long time ago.” There’s a short silence that Kyungsoo is sure only lasts a few seconds, but looking at the way Jongin’s frowning makes it feel longer. “Why do you ask? Do you like someone?” he teases, but it feels a little forced. The chuckle at the end doesn’t help to lessen that feeling and only adds to it.

“I think…” He’s in dangerous territory now, his confession once again dances on the edge of his tongue. His throat feels dry. “I think so,” he says.

“You like someone?! Who?! Since when?!” Jongin asks, interest piqued as he moves closer with wide eyes full of curiosity. But there’s a mischievous glint there as well, and that initial shock turns into a teasing smile. “My little Kyunggie has a crush,” he coos. “How cute.”

“My”. It’s possessive, but he likes it.

Kyungsoo internally cringes at himself.

“Shut up. I’m not cute,” he murmurs.

“But you are cute,” Jongin defends. “And you’re soft, and you smell like strawberries and air freshener. And small. You’re really small.” Jongin pokes his shoulder as if to emphasize. Kyungsoo pulls at his ear as punishment but then Jongin laughs, and it’s so nice that Kyungsoo doesn’t mean to slip up then. But the words had been teetering for so long that they come out whether he wants them to or not.

“The more you tease, the more I think you like me too.” Jongin freezes and Kyungsoo follows when it registers that he’s said too much. The only sound Kyungsoo hears is the rapid beating of his heart, and the movie that both had forgotten about.

Jongin is the first to crack with a small, sheepish smile. “Kyungsoo, do you like me?” he says with a small, sheepish smile. Kyungsoo’s heart falls to his stomach, his throat dry. He feels sick with fear. Jongin doesn’t look him in the eye until the lack of response goes for far longer than it should. “Kyungsoo?”

“Do you?” he counters, voice unsteady. A small part of himself is still fighting to keep from saying the words.

Jongin’s embarrassed, Kyungsoo notices. But he is too, and the way Jongin is acting—his gaze on his own hands as he toys with his fingers—has Kyungsoo thinking that Minah is right. Relationships, these feelings, he’s dense when it comes to this. He’s been worried, afraid (and he is still worried and afraid), but perhaps he was wrong. Maybe it’s okay to confess. Or maybe there was no need to confess. Because maybe Jongin’s always felt the same.

“Didn’t you know?” Jongin says. He lets out a nervous laugh.

Kyungsoo decides to say it now. He thinks it’s okay now. Everything will be okay, because it’s Jongin.

“I kind of do… like you…” Jongin looks somewhat surprised when he finally looks at Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo catches his eyes. They hold long enough for him to let out the next two words. “A lot.” And Jongin’s smile is warm—warmer than he’s ever seen—and large. Kyungsoo feels his muscles relax. “I really like you,” he corrects, this time more confident and sure in his confession.

“I kind of really like you too, Kyunggie.” Jongin’s still grinning from ear to ear. Kyungsoo feels young like this, inexperienced. But warm. So very warm and relaxed. “Does this mean I can finally take you on a date? A real one?”

“Yes, you can.” His smile doesn’t fade either. It only grows with his heart as he watches the way Jongin’s eyes shine—the same way his eyes light up when he talks about dance, comics, or puppies. Only this time they’re shining because of Kyungsoo.

“And hold your hand?” Kyungsoo nods. “And sleep on your shoulder?” Another nod. “On your bed?” Nod. “Next to you?” Again, a nod. “But as a couple?” His smile grows another inch. “Kyungsoo, are you a ?”

Kyungsoo pinches Jongin’s shoulder, satisfied when he hears Jongin cry out in pain. “Don’t get any ideas,” he says. “Let’s just… take it slow?” He can feel heat rising towards his face. “I just got divorced,” he jokes, hoping it’ll mask his timidness.

“I’m only joking. Taking it slow is good. I like slow.” Kyungsoo once again relaxes. “Can I take you out tonight then?” Kyungsoo nods, his smile returning and the embarrassment fading. “Does this mean I can kiss you too?”

“Maybe,” he teases. Jongin pouts and complains, Kyungsoo coos and teases. It’s not long after that Jongin grows clingy again.

Jongin intertwines their fingers and nuzzles at Kyungsoo’s neck, as affectionate as always. “I’ve been wanting this for a long time, Kyunggie.” Jongin’s hand fits into his as if they were made for each other. Kyungsoo doesn’t just like it, he loves it.

“I’ve been wanting this, too.”

And it’s funny when he thinks about it; how something as insignificant as the flavor of a macaron could lead him to where he is now.

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I may or may not have forgotten to add the last chapter. And, of course, it's unedited. I completely forgot what parts I wanted to edit and there's too many words for me to do so. If you just read this then thank you for reading. If you read this during the fest and you're rereading this, thank you. I really did have fun writing this fic and for the fest. I plan to participate in more fests in the future. I'll also come back and edit this fic whenever I finally feel like it heheh. I might add to the ending too.

And please don't mention a kiss scene. I didn't include one because of the pace I wanted this fic to have. If they're going to kiss, it'll be after the first date or second date. Kyungsoo is new at this dating thing, he needs to get used to the whole thing first.

Again, thank you for reading. Let me know what you think? <3