It’s Jongin’s turn to splutter when Kyungsoo tells him. Jongin’s casually drinking his juice when he’s informed, and his eyes widen in a way that has Kyungsoo laughing at him. He laughs harder when Jongin knocks the glass over. “I hate you,” Jongin says in a tone that doesn’t match his words.

Kyungsoo helps Jongin clean up the mess, and Sooyoung only shakes her head in a disapproving manner once she sees the mess. When everything is finally clean and Sooyoung has left for a shoot, Jongin returns to their original topic. “Minah wants to meet me?” Jongin asks. He seems confused, and Kyungsoo doesn’t blame him.

“Yeah.” He could already hear the question of why before Jongin could voice it. “It’s a long story.” He doesn’t think he could get through an explanation of how he had blurted out Jongin’s name during his date with his wife. He’d die of embarrassment before he could even finish the story.

It’s weird to think of someone else when you’re with your wife. He also thinks it’s weird to admit he’s been spending more time with Jongin than his wife. His wife is supposed to come first, right?

Jongin’s face reads uncertainty. It was never this complicated when she met Chanyeol and Jongdae, but that was back when they insisted they meet the, and he quotes, “poor woman who got stuck with someone as cold hearted as you.”

“I feel like I should be worried,” Jongin says after a moment. “It’s like meeting the parents of your—” He stops there, thus also making Kyungsoo confused. “Boyfriend,” he adds quietly.

Kyungsoo pretends he didn’t hear, because that word makes his chest feel tight but it also brings this fluttering feeling that he really doesn’t understand. It’s the drink, he concludes as he stares down into the orange liquid. He knows it’s a stupid conclusion, but he’d rather not think of what that feeling could really mean. That would only make things weird. Kyungsoo doesn’t like that.

The atmosphere feels awkward now, although Kyungsoo isn’t sure if he’s the only one contributing to that. “Uhm… Do you… Do you want to go to that movie? Tonight?” He asks in an attempt to switch subjects and clear the air. It works.

“Really? You’re not busy?” Kyungsoo’s supposed to be busy. He has work that he’s been putting off, and despite it needing immediate attention, Kyungsoo thinks Jongin is more important. He hates working anyway.

“No.” A smile. It looks good. Jongin looks good. Jongin always looks good.

“It’s a date.” That fluttering feeling comes back. It feels different from when Minah called their activities a date.

“I’m married,” he says despite the way he wishes it was a date. Jongin doesn’t comment on that although Kyungsoo could see the twitch in the corner of his lips—the hint of a frown threatening to take place. Jongin is strange.





They take Kyungsoo’s car to the nearest theater. The moon is already out and the sky is fading into a darker shade. Jongin has the window down for a reason Kyungsoo doesn’t know. He lets him though, because Jongin’s whining is worse than the irritating sound of the wind. Jongin’s head rests on his arm as he stares out the window, singing along to an RnB song that’s playing on the radio in a volume much too loud for Kyungsoo’s liking.

Jongin looks nice though. Kyungsoo has to keep himself from staring every time a passing street light shines on Jongin. The light only emphasizes how nice Jongin looks. Nice meaning handsome, that is. Maybe even beautiful. But nice feels much more comfortable to say.

“Kyungsoo…” Jongin pauses before sitting up properly and turning to look at him. Kyungsoo pulls into a parking spaces and puts the car in park before turning to look at Jongin. There’s a certain tone in the way Jongin says his name, a tone that makes Kyungsoo think he’s afraid to say something. Jongin shakes his head like he’s trying to rid himself of whatever he wanted to say. “Never mind, let’s go.” He gets out the car, not giving Kyungsoo any time to question his actions.

Kyungsoo follows.





The movie is one based off a comic, and Kyungsoo ends up having Jongin explain to him what is happening to really understand it. He doesn’t keep up because Jongin likes to go in depth about his comics, which Kyungsoo had forgotten about until he starts talking. The movie was good though, and Kyungsoo had gotten the chance to rest his head on Jongin’s shoulder when a boring scene appeared.

Jongin’s going on about the movie and how amazing it is even after it’s already ended. He keeps making references to names Kyungsoo didn’t bother to remember, but Kyungsoo likes it when Jongin talks so he doesn’t stop him. Even in the car Jongin is still going on about it and laughing occasionally. Kyungsoo turns the radio’s volume down to its lowest setting just to hear his voice.

Jongin doesn’t catch himself until they’re halfway to his home, and apologizes after doing so. “Sorry, I got carried away…” He seems embarrassed, and Kyungsoo wonders why Jongin’s so ashamed of the things he likes. From ballet to comics, Kyungsoo has noticed the way Jongin would sometimes get embarrassed when he’s talking passionately about them. He wanted to tell Jongin to stop apologizing and to keep talking, because he really likes the way Jongin’s eyes shine when going on about what he loves.

“I like it when you get carried away.” That was not supposed to reach his lips. That was definitely not supposed to reach his lips. He’s slipping up in more ways than one these days, and it seems to only get worse the more time he spends with Jongin.

“Thanks,” Jongin says although his voice is close to a whisper. Kyungsoo doesn’t know what that whispered tone means. He doesn’t ask either.

The rest of the ride is silent, an awkward kind of silent. Jongin returns to looking out the window. Outside is darker now—the stars in the sky resembles glitter, and the moon is higher now. Jongin’s the one who breaks it with an “I’m hungry,” and the atmosphere is lighter when Jongin pouts towards Kyungsoo. He’s thankful for it, because that kind of silence was making him concerned.





It’s Jongin’s idea to drag Kyungsoo upstairs to cook rather than going out for food. His excuse was that it’s late, and he also wanted to taste Kyungsoo’s cooking skills. Kyungsoo regrets ever telling Jongin about his love for cooking and recipes, but the thought of bliss on Jongin’s face from tasting his own food was enough to outweigh those regrets. By the time they reach the kitchen, Kyungsoo is excited.

There’s a kind of pride that swells in his chest when he tastes his sauce. He doesn’t notice Jongin is behind him until he feels arms around his waist and a chin on his shoulder. His body stiffens and the spoon slips out of his hand and into the pot. He’s sure Jongin can feel it and his thoughts are proven when Jongin pulls back except he laughs. Jongin was teasing again. As always.

“You’re like a child,” Kyungsoo sighs.

“Your reactions are always so adorable.” He feels stupid for thinking Jongin’s actions might’ve been something else. He feels even worse for wanting it to mean something else. He’s getting ahead of himself again.

“You ruined my food,” Kyungsoo accuses. Jongin’s pout will be the death of him. Actually, there’s a lot of things about Jongin that will be the death of him. He’d welcome that death though. With another sigh he goes to take the spoon and sets it aside.

“Don’t be overdramatic, it’s fine.” He really wishes he could punch Jongin. Not because he’s angry at Jongin. It’s because he’s angry that he can never be angry at Jongin. He hates how weak he’s become. But he likes it too.

The food is fine, Kyungsoo just needed something to keep that disappointed feeling away. It worked and he’s forgotten about it when he sits with Jongin to eat. He likes getting lost in these moments, because within these moments he starts to feel as though only he and Jongin exist. He wishes it were true, because he wouldn’t mind if it they were the only two people on Earth. He’d like that. He’d like that a lot.

Kyungsoo observes Jongin as he tastes the food. He hadn’t even touched his own plate, he needed to see his reaction first. “Wow,” Jongin says in a tone that’s close to surprise. “This is really good, Kyunggie.”

“Did you think it wouldn’t be?” Kyungsoo tries to hide his timid smile. He’s not good with compliments, they always make him feel shy. But when the compliments are coming from Jongin, Kyungsoo feels like his heart will explode at the praise. It doesn’t help when Jongin adds on that nickname. He feels even better when Jongin smiles and hums after another bite.

“I didn’t know what to expect,” Jongin responds. “But I love it.” Kyungsoo is sure Jongin has to know how much those words affect him. He feels proud and spends more time watching Jongin happily eat his food than he does eating.





The dishes are left in the sink. Kyungsoo wanted to clean up the mess, but Jongin had promised to do it himself in the morning and dragged Kyungsoo to his room. It’s getting late, Kyungsoo knows this. He also knows Minah will be waiting for him, possibly worried. But she’s the last thing on his mind when Jongin is in front of him talking and laughing and making his insides feel strange.

He doesn’t know how it happens. Actually, he does know how it happens—when he ends up lying on Jongin’s bed, despite it being small, and smiling as Jongin talks. It started when Jongin complained about being sleepy, then complained about Kyungsoo being too far away when he lied down. Somehow, between complaints and grumbling and whines, and maybe a little bit of violence, he ends up joining Jongin. It’s weird, but this kind of weird Kyungsoo doesn’t mind. He likes being this close.

At some point things turn quiet, but it’s much better than their previously awkward silence. Jongin’s not sleeping but he has his face in Kyungsoo’s chest. He’s like a little kid, really. Kyungsoo likes that trait. He likes how clingy Jongin can be. He likes how playful Jongin is. He likes when Jongin gets touchy, even if it’s weird. Even if it makes him feel weird.

Jongin mumbles something about being sleepy before he shifts closer, which isn’t by much due to the lack of space. Kyungsoo doesn’t realize he’s thinking so much until he starts to think of how much better it feels when it’s Jongin and not Minah close like this. This feels comfortable.

“You know,” comes Jongin’s muffled voice. “When I was 16 I had my first love.”

And he’ll never understand where Jongin’s sudden stories come from. He thinks Jongin’s just a deep person. That somewhere beneath all the teases and playful traits, is a Jongin who likes to reflect on his life and think about his future. And with every story comes something Jongin wants to say to Kyungsoo. Something he can never find the words for until after he’s explained himself and his experiences. Kyungsoo finds Jongin mature that way, because it always shows how much he’s grown as a person. It always shows how he isn’t as much of a child or as innocent as people like to think—as Kyungsoo sometimes thinks.

But 16 is a time he spent studying. He didn’t get the chance to feel love. He didn’t get the chance to feel anything, really.

“People say 16 is young so you don’t know real love because you don’t have enough experience… I think they’re right. I didn’t know it wasn’t love.” Kyungsoo expects for him to elaborate or something, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t explain or add on or tell a story, Kyungsoo doesn’t ask about it. Jongin will tell him about it later, when he’s ready. Right now, he’s probably not ready. Whatever it is, Kyungsoo thinks it’s probably troubling—something difficult to talk about.

He eventually goes home, albeit it’s late when he does so. Close to 12 a.m. to be exact. It wasn’t easy for him to pull away from Jongin’s warmth, and it was even harder to go while Jongin was sleeping. But he knew Minah would worry if he didn’t come home, and he also knew he needed to go home to his wife.

Being next to Minah was different. He didn’t like how cold he felt next to her which was something he thought was strange. She has plenty of body heat, but that wasn’t the kind of warmth that Jongin’s presence gave. And despite her sleeping face being one that resembles a baby, it wasn’t anything like Jongin’s parted lips and soft snors. He feels… upset… unhappy. Because every day the fact that Minah isn’t Jongin becomes a constant thought that makes his wishing turn to craving.

Sleeping that evening is difficult.





It’s a Thursday evening when Minah finally meets Jongin. She decided on them having dinner together, and Jongin had expressed his concerns of being a “third wheel.” In other words, Jongin spent the whole day whining about it. It took Sooyoung snapping at him to make him stop. Kyungsoo found it amusing.

He picks up Jongin, who spends the car ride staring down at his lap and toying with his fingers, after work. Kyungsoo guesses he’s nervous which he, himself, is also feeling. He isn’t sure why, but something inside him feels as if Minah will see right through them. That she’ll notice how much Jongin’s touch, smile, laugh, and everything affects him. Then there’s the other side of him that tries to reason that there’s nothing to see through. Because Jongin is just a friend.

That word doesn’t feel as nice to say now. It feels like he wants more, but he doesn’t know what that ‘more’ even is.

He doesn’t think more about it. He doesn’t get a chance to because he has finally pulled up to his house, and Jongin is distracting him with his stiff shoulders. He thinks he should say something, anything, to help Jongin relax because it shouldn’t be so difficult, should it? It’s Minah, his wife. And Jongin, his friend.

He has to remind himself of this to keep the nerves away. It doesn’t help. It only makes that want of something ‘more’ return which makes him frustrated. “What’s she like?” Kyungsoo snaps out of his own worries. Jongin is staring at him with an expression Kyungsoo can’t read.

“She’s… Nice. And she’ll like you, so don’t worry. She just wants to get to know you.” Jongin relaxes a bit which relaxes Kyungsoo without him knowing. Jongin has that effect on him.

“I’m sorry, it’s stupid.” Kyungsoo wonders what makes Jongin shy around others when he was far from that their first meeting. He’s been around Jongin long enough to gather that he is only comfortable around his family and him. It was an unexpected trait, and right now Kyungsoo is still having trouble trying to figure out how Jongin—the talkative, pouting, child-like, tease—can be this timid, nervous person.

“It’s not stupid, it’s okay.” Jongin takes a breath and makes to get out the car. Kyungsoo follows, like he always does.

He notices right away the distance Jongin puts between them. He’s never realized how close together they are whenever they’re together, until now. He misses that proximity and almost reaches to pull Jongin closer, but stops when he thinks of how unusual that’d look.





Minah’s not home when they enter the house, and he sees Jongin instantly relax. He texts her to announce that he’s home and waiting while Jongin wanders off into the living area. “Woah, your place is nice.” He sounds impressed. Kyungsoo thanks him with a shy smile and goes to sit on the couch to turn on the TV. He thinks it’d help the time pass.

Jongin sits beside him and places his legs on Kyungsoo’s lap. He has half a mind to shove them off and instead sends a glare towards Jongin. Of course, that glare is weak. “You lack manners,” Kyungsoo says even though he doesn’t mean it. Accusations and complaints are the only things he can give when Jongin makes him feel this way. Jongin apologizes and moves, only he chooses to place his head in Kyungsoo’s lap instead.

Brown eyes blink up at him in a frustratingly innocent manner. “Is this better?” Jongin asks with a smirk that doesn’t match the innocent look. He’s close. Too close. He likes it though. He also likes that he has a perfect view of Jongin’s face. He can see every small detail, each of which he loves. Kyungsoo’s eyes flick to Jongin’s lips—his favorite feature—and quickly flick back to Jongin’s eyes when he realizes he shouldn’t look there. Jongin’s smirk doesn’t fade.

“I hate you,” Kyungsoo says. That, too, he doesn’t mean. Jongin flicks Kyungsoo’s forehead and laughs at the way Kyungsoo flinches. Jongin sits up then and is punished with a pinch to his arm. “You’re an .”

“You’re even cuter up close.” Kyungsoo wonders if Jongin is teasing him again or if he’s being serious. He can’t tell when Jongin’s tone lacks its usual playfulness. He’s not laughing anymore either, only smiling slightly before focusing his eyes on a drama that’s playing on TV.

Kyungsoo wants to say the same about Jongin, maybe say more about how attractive he is. Maybe confess that he kind of likes how attractive Jongin is. And maybe even add how he likes everything about Jongin; even the smallest imperfections, even the shape of his lips, the way his eyes change shape when he laughs, the shape of his jaw, the soft feel of his skin. How he finds the parts beneath his skin attractive—the ones that even the eye can’t see.

But he doesn’t say it. That’s too many thoughts, too many words, that have meanings he doesn’t understand—doesn’t want to understand. Meanings he’d rather not think about when Jongin’s right there and Minah will be home any minute. Meanings that lead to situations far too complex for him.

He settles for a small “thanks” instead.





Minah comes home not long after, and Jongin immediately scoots farther away from Kyungsoo. She doesn’t seem to notice, but Kyungsoo does. He looks over at Jongin who is wearing what Kyungsoo recognizes as a forced smile. It’s not as beautiful as the ones he usually wears.

Minah smiles back, her smile being a real one.

“This is Jongin,” Kyungsoo introduces as he stands. “Jongin, this is Minah…” He pauses before adding on “my wife,” that has Jongin’s shoulder stiff once again. Minah greets him and announces that she’s going to change out of her work clothes before joining them.

When she’s gone and the sound of the bedroom door closing echoes throughout the house—because Jongin isn’t talking, and Kyungsoo is too busy sending him weird looks to speak—Jongin’s shoulders loses their stiff appearance. He would ask what that was about, but he thinks it’s better if he doesn’t.





It doesn’t take long for Minah to return, and when she does Jongin still hasn’t spoken, and Kyungsoo is still sending him weird looks. “So.” She breaks the silence and takes a seat, now dressed in sweatpants. “You’re the guy my husband is cheating on me with.” Jongin chokes, gurgles, Kyungsoo doesn’t know but it’s a weird sound. He’s no better when he splutters and tries to get some kind of denial to leave his lips. She laughs, like she always does when she makes a joke. Because it’s a joke.

Right. A joke.

“We’re not together.” Jongin’s voice is small. So small that he doesn’t think Minah can hear it but she does.

“I’m only kidding. You two are always together.” She sends Kyungsoo a knowing look. “I also heard that you work at the pastry shop, the one with my favorite macarons.” Jongin relaxes, Kyungsoo relaxes.

“I would’ve brought you some, but we were running low on supplies.” Minah nods in understanding.

“It’s okay.” Her eyes return towards Kyungsoo. “You two are acting so stiff, am I intimidating?” There’s a laugh in the middle of her words, and Kyungsoo laughs nervously because he isn’t sure what else to do. She’s not intimidating, he knows this. “Kyungsoo, do I embarrass you?” she teases. She pinches at his cheeks which has him swatting her hands away. “Is that why you’re acting strange?”

“Stop it, I’m not a kid.” His eyes move to Jongin who look a lot calmer, and slightly amused, before returning to Minah who is smiling.

“You’re cute like a kid. You haven’t aged at all, I swear.” It doesn’t feel the same when Minah calls him cute.

“I’m not cute.”

Minah pets at his hair. “Whatever you say honey.” Oh. Jongin stiffens again. “I suppose I should make dinner, since I’m the one who invited you over for food. I’ll try not to burn anything.” Kyungsoo can’t remember if Minah’s always been this playful. It’s been so long. Too long. “You keep the guest company,” she says as she points to Kyungsoo. “I will cook.” He doesn’t get a chance to say anything before she leaves him alone with Jongin who is once again toying with his fingers.

“Your wife,” Jongin starts. He pauses after the words, teeth biting at his bottom lip before he continues. “She seems nice… fun… good to you…” Kyungsoo is once again giving Jongin a weird look. He’s going to ask if he’s alright, but Jongin speaks again. “You two seem close.”

“We are.” But that’s not all true, is it? Not anymore at least. Because he’s been distant. He’s been drifting away from Minah and towards Jongin. He isn’t sure if they’re close anymore. Things are different now. Kyungsoo’s feelings are different.

“Yeah…”

Kyungsoo thinks he should say something. Maybe admit that they aren’t close anymore. Maybe admit that Jongin doesn’t need to worry. But why would Jongin be worried? Why would how close he is to Minah matter? Those questions are enough to keep him from confessing anything.

Kyungsoo scoots closer to Jongin, but his heart feels like it’ll jump out of his chest. “She’s my friend,” Kyungsoo says. “A close friend.”

He’s starting to realize that he’s unsure of a lot of things. He doesn’t understand Jongin and he doesn’t understand himself. But he thinks he should tell Jongin. Tell him that Minah isn’t a wife to him despite the title. That he has so many emotions but none of them are how he’s supposed to feel about his wife. That no matter how hard he tries with Minah, he can’t feel anything close to the way he feels about Jongin’s everything. That he kind of prefers Jongin’s everything.

There’s too many words within words.

Jongin’s not looking at him. He’s still looking at his fingers, like he’s thinking. Maybe processing. If he had something to say, he doesn’t get to say it because Minah returns. She takes her original seat and looks between them as if assessing the situation. Kyungsoo doesn’t think she notices how he’s moved closer to Jongin. If she does, she doesn’t comment on it.

“You’re a shy one,” she says to Jongin who looks up at her and forces on yet another dim smile. Kyungsoo wishes he understood what was wrong. “You’re a lot different from Chanyeol and Jongdae. Those two are loud, especially Chanyeol whose voice echoes every time he talks. I like loud, but I also like quiet.” Kyungsoo thinks she’s trying to make Jongin feel comfortable. But something is telling him that there’s more than just his timid character that’s making Jongin so quiet today.

“They are kind of loud,” Jongin agrees. Minah smiles when he finally speaks.

“So you’ve met them before.” Jongin nods, and the memory of his visit to his work comes back. It’s a memory he likes to treasure, no matter how dumb it sounds. Because it was a first. And it was sweet. Jongin cared, does care, about him. And he appreciates Jongin for taking care of him when he was stressed.





Jongin finally opens up and Kyungsoo is amazed at Minah’s ability to have him do so. At some point he also loosens up and throws his concerns out the window. All it takes is Jongin teasing him. Minah laughs when Kyungsoo pinches and Jongin whines, and when she leaves the two of them alone the silence is no longer present. The air feels clearer and so Jongin scoots closer. He rests his head on kyungsoo’s shoulder, which has him feeling uneasy before relaxing and allowing Jongin to do so.

“Your shoulders are small,” Jongin comments.

“Shut up.” He’s not blushing, but he can feel embarrassment creeping up.

“I like it though. It’s cute. You’re cute…” Jongin pauses, Kyungsoo stays quiet. “Minah’s cute too. And funny.” There’s something in his tone that causes him to hurts. He doesn’t understand it. “You’re both different but you’re not. That makes you the perfect couple.”

“Shut up,” Kyungsoo repeats.

“I see why you love her…” Ah. Kyungsoo never said it, never knew how to say it. He isn’t sure if he should say it, because she’s here. Because saying it aloud won’t do anything to make the situation easier.

“She’s a friend.” Kyungsoo thinks that’s enough to make him see. To have him finally understand that it’s not true. It was never true. Jongin doesn’t say anything more on the subject, which Kyungsoo hopes is because he gets it.

“Alright lovebirds,” Minah calls. Jongin quickly pushes himself off of Kyungsoo, eyes wide and alert. “Stop making out and come eat.”

“We weren’t…” Kyungsoo gives up mid-sentence because it’s no use.





Dinner is full of chatter, mostly from Minah and Jongin who seem to be getting along. Kyungsoo doesn’t talk much, mind wandering here and there to little things. He thinks of when he cooked for Jongin. And he smiles when he remembers lying in Jongin’s bed. He thinks of when they were alone earlier, how close Jongin had been with his head in his lap.

“Kyunggie-”

“Oh.” Kyungsoo’s head lifts and Minah is looking at both of them with a surprised expression. “Kyunggie? That’s a cute nickname. Kyungsoo doesn’t usually like nicknames.”

“He hates it when I call him that,” Jongin explains. It’s a lie though. Kyungsoo likes it. He likes it more than he should, but neither of them have to know that. “But it’s cute, and he’s cute. It fits him.” Kyungsoo kicks Jongin under the table. He smiles when Jongin cries out in pain and Minah tries to keep from choking on her drink when she laughs.

“I’m not cute,” he mumbles. He goes to take another bite of his food.

“He is cute, isn’t he?” Kyungsoo doesn’t appreciate being ganged up on. Fighting off their teasing doesn’t prove to work so he continues to eat his food, ignoring how Jongin is complaining about Kyungsoo always being cold to him. He hears about it enough already. “You two make a cute couple.”

Everything is silent. Minah continues eating as if she didn’t say anything strange. Jongin laughs, but it’s forced and Kyungsoo is once again unsure of what to say.

She stops eating and looks up at the two with an innocent expression. “What?” She asks, like she doesn’t know what she’s just said. And Kyungsoo could’ve sworn he saw Jongin blush, but then again everything is off today.





Jongin leaves after they eat, something about needing to catch the bus home. They say their goodbyes, and Kyungsoo lingers a little longer than necessary at the door to watch Jongin leave. He doesn’t realize it until Minah tells him he’s letting in cold air. He closes it then, and she gives him yet another strange look that he pretends not to see. Everything is back to normal afterwards. Minah goes to bed and Kyungsoo goes to his study to do work—an excuse to be alone.

His mind has been stuck on the whole ‘couple’ thing since dinner. He’s never thought of it before—what it would be like if Jongin was his… boyfriend… The word still feels weird to say. A pleasant weird. He wonders what it would be like, what it would feel like, if he held Jongin’s hand every day, kissed Jongin’s lips every day, touched Jongin every day… He likes it. He likes it a lot.

He goes to bed late that evening and is surprised to find that Minah isn’t asleep. She faces him when he gets under the covers, eyes full of an emotion he can’t quite decipher. But it’s unusually concerning. She doesn’t look at him. Not at first. Instead she’s looking at anything other than him, like she’s afraid to say what she’s thinking. Like she isn’t sure if she should say anything. But then she does.

“I like him,” she says as her eyes finally meet his. “I…” She pauses, purses her lips, and sighs. “You can tell me anything, okay? Because I’ll always understand. You’re… You’re my friend. And you’re important. So it’s okay to come to me. It’s okay to trust me.” Kyungsoo blames her sudden words on the evening. People tend to think this way when it’s late. He isn’t sure why else she’d suddenly bring that up.

“I know.” Lips purse again. She hesitates.

“I don’t think you do,” she whispers. She shakes her head. “Never mind.” She turns her back before he can try and say something. She doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, but she’s upset and he thinks he probably did something to cause it. He moves a little closer and places a hand on her arm.

“I’m sorry.” He isn’t entirely sure what he’s apologizing for, but he has a lot to apologize for anyway. For upsetting her, for leaving her alone, for thinking of Jongin whenever they’re together, for wanting to be with Jongin, for feeling unhappy. She doesn’t respond to his apology and Kyungsoo doesn’t push her to. He moves away, back to his original space, and watches her to make sure that she’s okay.





There’s something inside that’s telling Kyungsoo what he’s feeling towards Jongin is far from friendly. There’s a certain truth that people hide from when they’re in denial. Right now, Kyungsoo doesn’t think he’s in denial. He doesn’t want to think that maybe that gut feeling is right. That maybe he is hiding from the truth of what he really feels. Of what those feelings possibly mean.





Morning comes and when Kyungsoo wakes up, Minah isn’t beside him. And she isn’t home either. Which means she went to work, and Kyungsoo is alone. He remembers the previous night—how she was upset and how he couldn’t do anything but apologize. There’s something concerning about her behavior, but the opportunity to question it is gone.





Jongin is in a better mood that day. He’s all smiles and giggles around Kyungsoo, talking about inconsequential things. It’s a contrast to his character the night before, and Kyungsoo can feel himself growing needier—clingier. He doesn’t notice at first. Not when Jongin is the one who takes him by the wrist and drags him to their usual cafe.

Kyungsoo orders for Jongin this time, already knowing what Jongin likes. Water and a muffin. Water because he hates coffee, Kyungsoo remembers. Jongin’s smiling shyly when Kyungsoo orders and it’s a look that makes him want to coo because Jongin is absolutely adorable in his eyes. “It’s sweet that you remember what I like,” Jongin says once they’re sitting at their usual table.

“I remember a lot of things about you.” Jongin quiets at that and focuses his attention on his drink. It’s true, Kyungsoo thinks. And it’s weird, but he likes how it makes Jongin turn shy.

“You’ve changed,” Jongin mutters. He’s not wrong, Kyungsoo realizes. Because he has, although it’s a slow process. The way he lets things slip out of his mouth, the way he warms up to Jongin, the way he stops denying how much he adores Jongin.

And he truly does adore Jongin, in such a way that he isn’t sure it’s normal. Jongin makes him feel strange, he makes him want things he’s never wanted before. He makes him say things without prior thought. He makes him weak sometimes, in such a way that he’s soft with him. He makes him crave in such a way that is unfamiliar to him.

Like right now. Jongin is talking, and Kyungsoo would rather be a lot closer to him. He wants to stare at him, study his features even if he’s already memorized each and every detail. He wants to, he craves it, and he wants Jongin to touch his wrist, touch his hand, hold his hand, and maybe even—he’s doing it again, yet another thing Jongin seems to make him do. He keeps getting ahead of himself, thinking up ideas and scenarios that he isn’t sure are normal for friends.

Friends. The label pulls at his chest these days.

“You think too much,” Jongin announces. “Why?”

“It’s sweet that you notice things about me.” Jongin smiles at that.

“I notice a lot of things about you.”

“You haven’t changed.” That is also true. Jongin is just as teasing, playful, and clingy as always.





The needier side of Kyungsoo—the one that craves—makes an appearance when they’re walking back from the cafe. There’s not much distance between them, but even with that Kyungsoo doesn’t feel close enough. He won’t feel close enough. Not until he can touch, his fingers wrapped between the spaces of Jongin’s own. He wants it, needs it, is tempted to do it.

But he doesn’t. Because that’s too much. Too weird. And these kind of thoughts are the ones that makes him feel as if he’ll go crazy. They’re the kind of thoughts that makes him remember that they’re not a couple, which only leads to a strange feeling of pain that he doesn’t understand. Minah’s words from the previous night doesn’t help to ease his mind.

“You’re thinking again.” He is. “Is it stress again? Do I need to bust into your office with cupcakes again?” Jongin laughs at the memory. It’s a laugh that eases the pain. Only Jongin’s laugh can make him feel weird… happy. Only Jongin can make him feel this happy.

“It’s not stress.”

“Are you sick?”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“You could be thinking about feeling sick.” He doesn’t know when Jongin got closer. He isn’t aware of it until their arms brush against each other.

“I’m not sick.” Jongin doesn’t respond, but he looks like he’s thinking. Probably trying to guess why Kyungsoo’s in his mind so much. Kyungsoo likes it. He always likes it when Jongin cares. He isn’t sure how he can tell Jongin that he’s thinking about him. That he’s always thinking about him.

“Do you want to tell me?”

“I don’t know how to.” Yet another thing that slips. He thinks he should start keeping a list.

Rather than try and cover it, he leaves it, watches the way Jongin’s eyebrows furrow in thought, and tries to hide the embarrassment he feels. He’d tell Jongin if he could; if it wasn’t for the fact that he’s afraid of how complicated everything is.

Jongin doesn’t respond to that, and Kyungsoo isn’t sure he’d know how to respond either. So he lets it drop, and they remain in silence for the rest of the walk.





They’re upstairs in Jongin’s home on his couch now. Kyungsoo was dragged upstairs to watch a movie as soon as they reached the pastry shop, something about it being one of Jongin’s favorites. So he agreed to it and allowed himself to be dragged by the wrist again, because it was the only touch that helped feed his craving

The movie is halfway over with, and Kyungsoo is close enough to Jongin that their knees touch. He likes it that way, likes it even more when Jongin gets sleepy (as per usual), and rests his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder (another usual). It’s become his favorite thing. Because Jongin is close this way, and he can feel his breath near his skin, and he can smell Jongin’s scent.

“Kyungsoo…” Jongin pauses. His breathe feels nice. “Can I…” Another pause. A sigh. Jongin’s hand nervously moves to Kyungsoo’s where he places his fingers between the spaces of Kyungsoo’s. “Is this okay?”

Yes. No. Yes. He wants it to be, doesn’t want to say no even if he thinks it’s better that he does. But Jongin’s hand is soft and warm, and he doesn’t want to lose that. So he nods, voice suddenly lost.

It’s nearing the end of the movie now, and Kyungsoo has deduced that Jongin isn’t paying attention anymore. There’s no soft snoring, nothing to suggest that he’s sleeping, but his eyes are closed and he looks calm. Peaceful. Lovely.

By the time the movie has ended, Jongin is refusing to move. Kyungsoo tries to move so that he can turn off the movie, and also so that he can get ready to go home, but Jongin whines and pushes him back so that he can’t move. “You make a nice pillow,” Jongin voices. He finally opens his eyes and shifts to sit upright.

“And you’re heavy.” Jongin chuckles but doesn’t say anything. His eyes are staring down at where their hands are joined. Kyungsoo doesn’t want him to let go, but he knows he has to. He knows Minah is waiting. She’s always waiting.

Kyungsoo takes his hand from Jongin’s, but something inside pulls when he sees the hurt flash across the younger’s face. It’s fast, and he could see how quickly Jongin adjusts his expression to rid himself of that look. “Jongin?” His tone reflects his concern as he watches Jongin shift his eyes to Kyungsoo’s face. “Are you okay?”

“Oh… yeah, I’m fine…” There’s a forced laugh that only adds to that pain in his chest. “You have to go, right?”

“I do.” But I don’t want to. Jongin nods in understanding, and stands up. Kyungsoo almost forces him to sit back down, hands itching to grip at his wrist, because he needs an explanation. He needs to know why Jongin is hurt. Because Kyungsoo doesn’t like seeing Jongin hurt. But he doesn’t do it.

“I’ll see you later, right?”

Kyungsoo stands up and paints on his own smile. “Yeah.” Jongin’s smile grows, only by an inch, but it’s enough to add a hint of brightness to his eyes. There’s a fluttering feeling in Kyungsoo’s stomach. It’s a feeling much stronger than he’s felt before, and it only makes leaving that much harder.

But Minah is waiting. His wife is waiting.





She’s at the kitchen table when he gets home, staring down into a cup of what he assumes is tea. She’s thinking, probably reflecting. He remembers the previous night when she was upset, and he also remembers how he didn’t get a chance to see her in the morning. She’s most likely still upset. Kyungsoo wants to help her.

“You’re home early.” She doesn’t respond, still staring into her cup. He suddenly feels nervous, as if she were angry at him. He thinks that maybe he did or said something. “Minah, are you angry with me?” He asks as he takes a seat close to her. She snaps out of her thoughts then and looks at him before flashing a small smile. It doesn’t feel like Minah. It doesn’t look like Minah either. Guilt intertwines with his nervousness.

“I’m not. I’m fine, really. I’m just stressed, you know? There’s a lot of things that need to be done at work. I just need a break.” He wonders how much of that is a lie. But he wouldn’t know, would he? Because there’s a distance. A growing distance.

He isn’t sure how to comfort her or put her mind at ease. It’s been a long time since he last saw her this way.

But then she asks a question, one that’s surprising and confusing. “Do you think it’s possible to fall out of love?” She’s not looking at him now, instead she’s back to studying her cup’s contents. This kind of conversation feels too personal, because love is something he isn’t sure he understands. But he knows what it looks like, has witnessed its appearance in the way Yixing looks at his fiancé. “I feel like love is a trap. Once it’s there, it’s hard to get rid of. Hard to deal with. It’s even harder when the feelings aren’t returned. That kind of thing, it hurts a person.”

“Have you been watching dramas again?” Joking is the only thing he knows how to do in this situation. But Minah isn’t in the mood for joking, and she disregards it with her next question.

“Do you know what it feels like?” Now she does look at him, and she holds eye contact even when Kyungsoo is stunned by the question. Even when he isn’t sure of how to respond. She’s doing that thing Jongin sometimes does, where she examines him, analyzes him. He feels exposed. Uncomfortable.

“You’re acting weird.” Her eyes remain searching and it makes him want to hide. It’s like she knows something, is looking for something, he doesn’t know.

He thinks he’s upset her when she gets up and prepares to leave. He’s in the process of apologizing before she cuts in, like she knew he’d try to. “Don’t apologize.” There’s a hint of irritation in her tone, and it’s almost as if she’s forcing it not to show. “You’re just hard to understand sometimes. You’ve been acting strange and I just want to know where you stand.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You never do. But you don’t really pay attention enough to know, do you?” He tries to say something, anything, to calm Minah down. But she doesn’t give him the chance to. “I just want you to talk to me Kyungsoo, as a friend. As my husband. You’re not being fair when you hide things from me.”

“Hiding things from you?” That makes him even more confused. The look she gives is the same one from the previous night, the same one he can’t decipher. But then she runs a hand through her hair, another on her hip as she lets out a frustrated sigh. Light reflects off of an object on Minah’s wrist and catches his attention. That’s when he notices the charm bracelet, the one he had searched around to gift her. Because he had left her lonely. Because he wanted to give her something. Because it’s what a husband does. Has she been wearing it all this time? He’s never noticed it before. Never payed attention.

There’s that guilt again.

“Just forget it. I’m going to get ready for bed.” Kyungsoo doesn’t think he should leave the conversation at that. He should ask her to explain. He should do something, but he doesn’t. He lets her go off.

And maybe this constitutes as a fight. He isn’t sure, but it feels like it.





Ever since then, things between Kyungsoo and Minah grew worse. Kyungsoo notices it sometimes, when she smiles only because she has to, not because she wants to. He doesn’t understand it, and he doesn’t understand why she pretends to be asleep when he gets into bed.

He’s tried talking about it, but every chance he gets she finds a way to stop him. Whether it’s with the excuse of “I’m busy,” to which she’d retreat into her own study, or the excuse that she’s “too tired” and would then go to bed. He gives up on trying to talk, because Minah doesn’t want to talk. And if she doesn’t want to talk, then he isn’t going to force her.

But the thought of what’s wrong is troubling, and it follows him days after the event.





“You seem depressed,” Jongin comments as he sits down across from Kyungsoo. He pushes a cup of coffee towards him, along with a piece of cake. “What’s wrong?”

He takes the cup and plate with an appreciative smile, but he’s not all that hungry. Not when he’s consumed with guilt and questions. He isn’t sure of how to ask for help. The word “help” isn’t even in his vocabulary. But he needs it, needs someone to understand. He knows that Jongin will always be there for him, because Jongin cares about him. And that caring, kind person, is what he needs more than anything right now.

“I think I hurt Minah.” Jongin’s expression falls and there’s a hint of surprise in his eyes.

“Hurt? Minah? You? How?”

“I don’t know… She just… It was a few days ago. I think we had a fight? I’m not sure. We never fight, but she seemed upset… annoyed… She sounded irritated, and she won’t talk to me. I try, but all she does is make an excuse to not see me, and she pretends to be asleep whenever we’re in the same bed. I don’t understand.” He looks up at Jongin. He’s sure his eyes reflect the guilt and confusion he feels. He knows he’s been a bad husband, and all he wants is to make it up to her. All he wants is to be good to her, the same way she’s been good to him. “I’m a terrible husband.”

“That’s not true,” Jongin defends. “You’re a good husband. I’ve seen it. I know. You… You treat Minah well, even though you didn’t choose to marry her. You make her laugh, and you make her smile. You bought her that bracelet because you felt guilty. You bought her macarons. You always go home to her because you can’t leave her waiting. You have that picture of her in your office. You’re a good husband…” He stops, and looks down at the table, then adds on a soft, “You’re a good person,” that has Kyungsoo’s insides once again warming.

He feels embarrassed, because right now he wants to cry. Because Jongin doesn’t know, doesn’t understand, how he is nothing like he thinks. Jongin doesn’t know about the way he always puts Jongin before Minah. He doesn’t know about the way Kyungsoo blurted his name on his date, how he always thinks of Jongin, how he sometimes wishes Minah was Jongin. How he would rather spend the rest of his life with Jongin, and not Minah. How he always seems to want Jongin.

Jongin doesn’t know.

“Kyungsoo, you should talk to her. You should make her listen. You love her, right?” He doesn’t respond. Jongin isn’t looking for one anyways. “If she’s important to you, talk to her tonight. When she’s pretending to sleep. Even if she ignores you, tell her anyways. Maybe she’ll listen.”

“What if she hates me?” It’s a ridiculous thought, he thinks. But he thinks that he wouldn’t blame her. That maybe he pushed her somehow. That maybe she’s tired of him.

“Don’t be stupid, how can anyone hate you? It was one fight, I’m sure she wouldn’t hate you for it. Just… Try.” Kyungsoo considers it, thinks on how to apologize, what to say, and how to make things between them okay.

“I’ll try.” Jongin smiles at that.

“Good. Now, come with me. You need to cheer up.” He stands and goes to lift a resistant Kyungsoo up from his seat by the arm. Kyungsoo tries to complain, and he could’ve swore he heard himself whine—the bastard is rubbing off on him, it seems.

Jongin comments on it, saying something about how Kyungsoo takes after him, and that earns him a weak punch to his arm. Jongin retaliates with a soft pinch to Kyungsoo’s arm, which makes him smile. Because, even with Jongin rubbing off on him, he is also rubbing off on Jongin.





“Jongin, it’s going to rain,” Kyungsoo states once he’s been informed of where Jongin is taking him. Of course Jongin would wait until they’re halfway there to tell him their destination. “Why would you want to go to the beach in the rain?”

“Relax, Kyunggie. It’s not going to rain until tonight, so we have plenty of time.” Kyungsoo sighs and sits back in his seat. They’re on the bus (because Jongin thinks it’s more adventurous than driving), Jongin’s earphone in one ear and the other in Kyungsoo’s. It wasn’t his choice, Jongin had insisted that they should listen together.

He looks over to Jongin who is now staring down at his phone, and takes the opportunity to study Jongin’s profile. He looks even better than the last time they were this close.

Sometimes Kyungsoo wonders what Jongin is thinking. If he ever thinks of Kyungsoo the same ways Kyungsoo thinks of him. If he ever studies Kyungsoo’s features when he’s not looking. If he truly does see Kyungsoo as cute, or maybe something more. If he ever questions how weird it is to think this way about a friend.

He thinks this as Jongin settles on a song and looks over at Kyungsoo. He can feel heat all over when he’s caught, and quickly averts his eyes to Jongin’s phone screen where the song’s name is displayed. “IU?” Kyungsoo questions. He hopes it’ll keep Jongin from commenting on his staring. “Peach?”

Jongin nods with a shy smile. “The song is sweet.” Kyungsoo agrees and smiles, the song relaxing him as he turns his attention towards the window. The conversation has died, but he’s okay with it. He likes it like this, with the two of them able to be together without the concerns of life or work. He feels better than he has been these past few days. He doesn’t think of Minah, or the bitter feelings that accompany the memory of their situation.





The bus ride is long, the beach being a place far from where they live. But, lucky for them, Kyungsoo has plenty of time to spend with Jongin. It’s a rare occurrence, but one he appreciates.

Jongin’s hand finds Kyungsoo’s wrist when their feet hit cement, finally reaching their destination. “This is going to be fun, don’t worry.” Kyungsoo still looks skeptical, unsure as to what they could possibly do on an unplanned beach trip. He isn’t sure how he let Jongin talk him into it, but he thinks it had something to do with Jongin’s ability to sometimes make him lose focus.

The place isn’t packed, but there are still families and couples on the beach with them. They don’t have any swimwear, both dressed in their everyday clothes as they reach the sand. Jongin releases his wrist when they make it to an umbrella to sit under. On the bright side, jongin had at least packed towels for them to sit on.

Kyungsoo takes a seat on the towel, Jongin sitting next to him with a grin. “Isn’t this fun?”

“This is your idea of cheering me up?”

“I was thinking that getting away from the city would help. Since that’s where all your stress lies, maybe a place you’re unfamiliar with will help ease your mind.”

“You couldn’t have suggested this before you dragged me along?”

“You would’ve said no.” Jongin pouts, and Kyungsoo pats at his head.

“I don’t know anyone who would choose to take a last minute trip to the beach just to cheer up a friend.” Kyungsoo can’t help the way his lips spread into a smile, even if the label of “friend” doesn’t seem satisfying. And his smile won’t fade either, because all he can think of is how much Jongin does for him. And that’s enough to cancel out the pain of that label.

Jongin turns shy and avoids Kyungsoo’s face when he comments with a soft, “You’re important to me.” He seems embarrassed to say it out loud, and once again Kyungsoo feels that warmth spreading throughout him.

“You’re…” He pauses, unsure and embarrassed to admit it. “You’re important to me, too.” He can’t take his eyes off of Jongin’s sheepish reaction. Kyungsoo thinks he should add to it, say more, because Jongin is more than just important. He doesn’t know how to show how thankful he is towards Jongin, for always caring, for being the kind of medicine Kyungsoo needs.

“I care a lot about you.” Jongin bites at his bottom lip, hesitant, before looking Kyungsoo in the eye. “I don’t like to see you hurting. I don’t like seeing you treat yourself badly. I don’t like hearing you talk badly about yourself. I want you to be happy, and I want to see you smile.”

Kyungsoo stares for longer than he should, unable to find something to say. He wants to tell Jongin not to talk like that, because it makes him think there’s something more. It makes him want for those words to mean something deeper. It makes him crave. It makes him warm.

His heart skips a beat, speeds up, and doesn’t slow down.

He is pulled out of his trance when Jongin makes a sound close to a whine and moves his hands to hide his face. “Don’t look at me like that. It’s embarrassing,” he complains, whines, just like always. Kyungsoo laughs then, a hand coming up to Jongin’s shoulder for support. He doesn’t know what look Jongin is talking about, but the reaction is one that has him once again thinking of how cute he finds Jongin.

“You’re adorable when you’re shy,” he comments with a smirk. And they really have rubbed off on each other when Jongin playfully shoves Kyungsoo.





At some point, Jongin drags Kyungsoo into the water. They’re ankle deep, their pant legs rolled up enough to keep from getting wet, and Jongin is laughing when he flicks water at Kyungsoo’s face like a child. He complains about it, saying something about Jongin being immature which only leads to more water flicked at his face, and Jongin claiming that he’s “uptight”. He can see the challenging smirk on Jongin’s face and decides to engage. It’s enough to have him letting go, and he finds himself in a battle where both splash water towards each other. He laughs, feeling more at ease and child-like. Neither seem to care that people are giving them strange looks.

Jongin even convinces him to search for seashells and play games that are usually for children. And it’s later that they retire onto the sand. Kyungsoo’s back collides with the ground as he stares up at the sky, noticing the way clouds have darkened. Jongin lays next to him, but it’s Kyungsoo who smiles even when the first drop of rain hits the tip of his nose.

“I guess it is raining,” Jongin acknowledges. Kyungsoo nods, smile not breaking. He should move, stand up, or anything to avoid the rain. But he doesn’t, and instead finds it soothing when the rain comes down harder. He can’t stop thinking, remembering, yet the memories aren’t what has him smiling. (The memories being unpleasant, something he hates reminiscing or even thinking of.)

It’s the moment that’s making him feel this way.

“I’ve never been to the beach before,” he confesses. “I’ve never been outside of the city. When I was a kid there were school trips, but I never got to go. My parents said it was a waste of time. That studying is more important and would benefit my future. That I’ll thank them later for it. I listened and did everything they said. I sacrificed my childhood and teenage years trying to make them proud.” The smile slips off his face.

“I was never good at studying. Nothing came easy for me, and so I needed to spend extra time and effort to get any good grades. Do you know how hard it is? To be someone expected to take over a company, to have to learn about business and management as a child. To not be allowed to make mistakes because it reflects badly on the family, to have no freedom of choice. I hated it, I hated all of it. There was too much pressure, too much stress, never any free time, nobody to really turn to.”

Jongin is lying on his side now, worried eyes watching as Kyungsoo speaks. “But today… I felt like a kid. I felt free, in a weird way. I felt happy, relaxed, and I was able to let myself go completely. I didn’t have to worry about work or life. I didn’t have to worry about anything. I could just enjoy myself. Thank you, Jongin.”

Kyungsoo finally turns to look at Jongin and their eyes meet for only a second. But in that second, warmth blossoms in his chest and travels all throughout. There’s a certain look in Jongin’s eyes that intensifies the feeling, making his stomach flutter and his heart beat hard and fast. He embraces the warmth, the feelings, and lets himself enjoy it without being concerned of its meaning.
 

By the time they catch another bus, both are tired. The previous relaxed feeling has passed as Kyungsoo realizes he has to return home. That he can’t stay in that dreamland forever, because he has a life to return to.

He’s sitting in the window seat, as always, and watches as the droplets of water slide down the window. It isn’t surprising that Jongin is half asleep with his head on his shoulder. He seems to like that position, and Kyungsoo doesn’t mind it.

Kyungsoo spends most of the ride reflecting on his words, realizing that he’s opened up about his life for the first time in a while. This time he didn’t care about the pain the memories bring, because there wasn’t any pain. Only a lightweight feeling. Jongin is getting closer to him. Closer to his heart, where he keeps all of the pain trapped in. And he isn’t even putting effort into it!

Kyungsoo doesn’t think Jongin realizes it either. How he doesn’t have to lift a finger to pull Kyungsoo closer. How Kyungsoo willingly opens himself up bit by bit, whether he wants to or not.

How Kyungsoo can’t stop himself from doing so, even when he tries to.

Jongin’s earphone is still in his ear when a familiar song begins to play. IU, Kyungsoo realizes. He sings along as quietly as he can without waking Jongin up. He feels Jongin shifting, and when Kyungsoo glances at him, his heart skips. The same way it always does when he notices Jongin’s looks.

“My heart keeps going to you,” comes IU’s voice through the earphone. “I’m really going crazy.” Kyungsoo doesn’t like how much he relates to the song. How much it reminds him of Jongin.





It’s dark out by the time they return, and Kyungsoo has a hard time parting. He doesn’t expect for himself to hug Jongin out of the blue, and judging by the way his body stiffens, Jongin doesn’t expect it either. It doesn’t last long, and he quickly relaxes into the hug.

Jongin feels even warmer than when he speaks, and Kyungsoo wonders if it’s possible to be addicted to someone’s warmth. To the feeling of being in their arms.

He tries not to think of how his heart once again speeds up, and hopes Jongin can’t feel it. With a muffled “thank you” in Jongin’s shirt, they say their goodbyes.





He doesn’t get home as late as he usually does. And by the time he does return home, the house is empty. Minah’s still at work and he releases a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding in. He takes the opportunity to try and do work, only to get distracted by Jongin’s constant texts.

U had fun, right?

Let’s do it again sometime

Do u miss me? R u thinking of me?

Kyunggie, play wiith me! I’m bored T.T

That’s only a few of the many spam messages he received. Rather than irritated, Kyungsoo found himself amused, and he doesn’t notice how his mood brightens when he reads over the texts. The sound of the front door opening and closing is what catches his attention, his fingers still mid-text. He sets his phone down to greet Minah.

She looks surprised when he comes out of his study, but quickly forces on a smile. “You’re not at work,” she states.

“I didn’t go.”

“Oh. I didn’t know.” The air feels awkward, the conversation resembling one shared between mere acquaintances. They’re supposed to be closer than this. “I’ll be in my study if you need me.” She tries to make her exit when Kyungsoo remembers Jongin’s words. He needs to talk to her now, see what is wrong. But when he opens his mouth to speak, she interrupts. “I don’t feel like talking.” His eyebrows furrow, but she isn’t looking at him anymore. Instead, she walks past him, straight towards her study.

It’s when he goes to bed that night that he tries to act on Jongin’s advice again. He pulls the covers over himself and is faced with Minah’s back to him. He sighs, trying to rid himself of any nerves he feels. He’s really not good at this. “Minah, are you awake?” he asks, despite knowing that she won’t answer. And he’s right. She doesn’t answer. “I have a lot to be sorry for Minah.” His throat feels like it’s going to close up. “We’ve always been close, but these days there’s distance. But it’s my fault, right?”

He crosses the distance, shifting closer to place his hand on her shoulder. She doesn’t move. “Minah, please talk to me.” He waits for a response, desperation clear in his tone. He’s about to quit. About to say something to break the silence, when she shifts.

She turns over and moves to sit up, Kyungsoo doing the same. Her eyes look at him then, but they’re filled with a kind of sadness. “I want you to be happy,” she says. “I want you to tell me why you’re always sad when you come home, why you never come to me when you’re stressed, and why you always look uncomfortable when I touch you.” She adds on a whispered, “Why you never touch me.”

Kyungsoo thinks he understands now, why Minah is hurt.

“You wanted me to touch you?” he asks, more to himself than anything.

“I want to know where you stand with me.” Kyungsoo connects the dots, everything making sense now. She wanted him to touch her, to want her, and to treat her like more than just a friend. To look at her as more than just a friend.

“I don’t know,” he says honestly. Because he doesn’t know. Because it doesn’t matter. Whether he views her as his wife or not, it doesn’t matter. Whether he loves her or not, it doesn’t matter. Their feelings don’t matter.

Her smile is another forced one that has Kyungsoo thinking this talk did nothing. That it has only pushed them further than they already were. “Goodnight Kyungsoo,” she says. The conversation is dead now.

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Here's a double unedited update. Yep, I'm really bad at editing in case you couldn't tell. This one is longer than the other two. Next update will be tomorrow and it's the last part.