A/N- This is the same as the earlier chapter with an angstier ending. It was originally intended for one person only but it was weighing on my mind so I thought I'd publish it. To start where the versions diverge CTRL+F "Alternate End".

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Quiet car rides were among your least favorite things in the world. Driving you loved, especially with the windows down and your favorite song blasting on the radio. Having Himchan beside you made it even better, the smiles you received from your boyfriend making your soul feel light and free.

 

This was not one of those car rides.

 

A heavy silence hung in the car, the reason for the somber mood lying unspoken between the two of you. The radio was playing softly in the background, but it seemed to be only playing commercials and boring top 40 songs, providing no relief from the tension. Besides, neither of you felt up to singing anyways.

 

You were so lost in your thoughts as you approached a stoplight that you jumped when Himchan reached over and put his hand on top of yours. “Sorry,” he muttered, wincing at your face. His thumb rubbed the back of your hand before you moved to lace your fingers through his. “I know this is hard for you….” Himchan’s voice trailed off, his gaze not meeting yours.

 

“No, it’s okay.” You gave his hand a squeeze as the light turned green. His hand held tight to yours as you pulled into the entrance to the airport. You payed the parking toll and pulled into a spot on the bottom floor of the parking garage, taking deep breaths as you shut off the vehicle. Trembling hands rested on the keys for a moment before you pulled them from the ignition. “Let’s go.”

 

The two of you exited the car silently, Himchan grabbing his suitcase from the backseat. As he met you behind the car, the arm that was not attached to the luggage pulled you in close to him by your shoulders. He kissed the top of your head and you took a moment to breathe in his scent, the deep musk of his cologne mixing with the lush fresh rain scent of the laundry detergent still lingering on his dark flannel overshirt. It took everything you had to keep yourself from dragging him back to the car and driving far, far away from the airport.

 

Both of you had known going into this relationship that it was going to be difficult. Long distance relationships were unfamiliar to the two of you, but the emotions between your souls was too strong to be kept apart by oceans and continents, so you took the leap. The past two years with Himchan had been the two happiest years of your life, but it didn’t come without its challenges.

 

The both of you were college students, meaning that it was difficult to be together. Saving money to visit one another was not easy with tuition costs, plus the need to survive by paying for food and rent. Additionally, wifi and cellular usage was necessary to maintain contact when fourteen hours across the world from one another. Skype call dates and late night text sessions were nearly an everyday occurrence for you, whispers of affection and passion traveling miles through a telephone speaker to the person at the other end, never fully reaching their hearts the way the sender wished.

 

With careful saving and planning, over the past few years the two of you had managed to save up enough for two one-week trips to visit each another a year. Once in the summer and once in the winter, squeezing in a quick trip in between semesters. This summer it had been Himchan’s turn to visit you in America, and the two of you had a wonderful time together. You were too broke to do anything of real consequence as far as vacations went, but the time you two were able to spend together was more than enough. Having him here in your arms for a whole week instead of just a face on a screen, a tangible form, meant more to you than you could ever express.

 

As Himchan led you into the airport, you rubbed the soft fabric of his shirt in between your fingers. Every cell of your body was screaming to hold on to as much of him as you could for these few precious moments you still had him. Every brain cell was devoted to memorizing his face, his voice, his scent, the way he looked at you like you were the only thing that mattered in the world…

 

Hand intertwined tightly with yours, Himchan pulled you along to the ticket counter to check his luggage and print out his tickets. His tone was quieter than usual, betraying the sorrow he was trying to hide for your sake. You squeezed his hand to silently encourage him and noticed a smile tug at his lips, though he kept his eyes on the man who was helping him with the ticket.

 

The airport was in a small, quiet town, so there were very few people in the airport. Security would be a breeze to get through, so the two of you took a seat out in the front lobby to enjoy your last few moments before Himchan would have to leave. You rested your head on your boyfriend’s shoulder and pulled you close with his arm, burying a kiss into the top of your head. You hand continued to play with the slightly frayed end of his flannel shirt; the fibers were the only thing that held anything close to a distraction from Himchan’s imminent departure but it appeared to be to no avail.

 

“Hey, when you come for Christmas, we should go ice skating this time,” Himchan said, pulling on your hair softly.

 

A chuckle escaped your lips without warning. “We’ve been over this, I’m a total klutz. Metal blades plus ice plus my gracefulness is a recipe for disaster. We’ll both end up dead!”

 

Himchan’s mouth morphed into a slight pout. “But _____, I’ll be there to help you. Besides, haven’t I ever told you that that’s a dream date for me? Winter wonderland style. I want to experience it with you.”

 

Your resolve faded fast, looking into his dark soulful eyes, and with a groan you nodded. “Okay, but if I die, know that it’s all your fault.”

 

The two of you softly settled back into comfortable silence. A clack of high heels, the rolling of luggage wheels, and the occasional announcement from the speaker were the only sounds that echoed through the airport as the two of you sat in an embrace, each playing with the other’s hair.

 

Eventually Himchan glanced at his watch and sighed. “I hate to say this, but I probably need to go through security now so I’ll be ready to board when the time comes.” Even though you didn’t look at him, he felt you nod against his chest and stood up, careful to help you stand up without crashing to the floor.

 

For the first time all day you looked at Himchan, really truly looked at him. Here stood everything you loved, everything you had fought for over the past two years, everything you wanted your future to be. He was what mattered the most to you in this world, and here you were having to let him go once again.

 

Carefully, afraid he might break if you squeezed too hard, you stood on your tiptoes and wrapped your arms around his shoulders, burying your face in his neck. His own arms found purchase around your waist, pulling your body nearly flush with his. Your heart was pounding, sadness, anxiety, loneliness, and panic all welling up at once. Himchan was whispering things in your ear, but you were two wrapped up to hear more than the occasional “It’s going to be fine” and “I love you so much” scattered around.

 

You both stood locked in that embrace until he felt your teardrops on his neck. “Hey,” he pulled back to meet your eyes. “It’s okay, there’s no need to cry,” he lied, tears welling in his own eyes as he gazed at you. Foreheads touched and you laced your fingers through his soft hair, trying to hold on to as much of him as you could.

 

The tears were coming even faster now; Himchan was trying to stop each tear with a little kiss but he couldn’t keep up. You could feel a drop or two on his own face even though he was struggling to keep up a strong front for your sake.

 

Your noses bumped and with a laugh Himchan leaned forward and pressed his lips to yours. Despite the tears, his touch was tender and careful; he always took care of you and never pushed you in any aspect of the relationship until you were ready. Taking his cue you deepened the kiss, sighing into his mouth as you felt fully intertwined with your boyfriend. Neither of you were ever full of the others presence, always starving for more of everything, from kisses and glances to jokes and “I love you”s. What you loved most about Himchan was his ability to constantly give pieces of himself and stay the same because of the love he received from you.

 

Suddenly the kiss broke, and surprised you leaned forward to follow Himchan’s lips as he drew away. Your lids fluttered open and you saw Himchan glancing at you lovingly. “What a-” you began to ask.

 

“Shhh. I want to capture this. You. Here and now, no screen, no technology. Just you.” His thumb softly your cheek as his eyes memorized every inch of your face, before leaning forward and kissing you on the top of your head. “I’m sorry, but it’s time for me to go.”

 

The look in your eyes must have nearly broken Himchan’s heart as you noticed his lip tremble a bit before he removed his flannel shirt and placed it around your shoulders comfortingly. “I’ll call you as soon as I get home, okay? Get some rest, _____. I love you.”

 

With one last squeeze of your hand, Himchan turned around and walked towards the escalator leading towards security. Your gaze followed him until he reached the top, when he turned around and gave a soft wave. Somehow your hand responded in kind right before he disappeared further into the airport, once again being taken away to reside so many miles away from you.

 

You had no idea how long you stood in the middle of the airport, Himchan’s shirt wrapped around your shoulders and tears streaming down your face. Neither did you have any clue how you ended up home safely, car intact but not your heart. Lying in bed wearing your boyfriend’s shirt, you cried yourself to sleep, phone at your side for when the call would come.

 

***

Alternate End

 

You spent the next day floating in and out of consciousness, tired from the intense emotions, depressed from your boyfriend’s absence, and weakened by your refusal to eat the day before. When you finally managed to become aware enough of your surroundings, you realized that it was the next day and shook yourself awake. Your phone showed no messages from Himchan, which was peculiar, but you knew flights got delayed and traffic near his house was not always the best, so you brushed off any doubts lingering in your mind.

 

There was still a glass of water on your nightstand, which you quickly gulped down to soothe your parched throat. You began to scroll through your social media, catching up on the events in the day since you had been asleep. It did not take long for you to stumble across the breaking news of the day.

 

Your heart began to sink as you read the news of an airplane that had crashed while attempting to land outside of Korea. Officials did not appear to know what the cause of the crash was yet, but supposedly no survivors had been found. Thoughts began to race through your head but you pushed them away, trying to remain calm. You found the number of the plane and quietly memorized it, looking to check it against the record. Surely there was no possible way that this was the airplane that Himchan had been on.

 

Instantly your blood ran cold as you found the text from your boyfriend. The words “flight UA 288” flashed in front of you, confirming your worst fears. Your hands shook as you hit the speed dial on your phone, refusing to believe that any of this was true. As you lifted your phone to your ear you tried to control your ragged breathing, certain that Himchan would pick up any second.

 

“This is Himchan, apparently I can’t reach my phone right now, leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.” Beep

 

Liquid began to spill from your eyes as you hung up the phone and redialed. “This is Himchan-” Once again you hung up and redialed, praying to every deity you could think of that this was a bad dream. One ring…. Two rings…. Five….

 

“This is Himchan, apparently I can’t reach my phone right now, leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.” Beep

 

Silence filled the room as the phone waited for your message, but fear had paralyzed you. A whisper of “I’m sorry Himchan” fell from your lips before you lost your grip on your phone. Your brain was torn between despair at the reality that faced you and denial over what had really happened. Even as you thought he’s gone your mind ran through every possible scenario that could excuse what had occurred. Still, somewhere deep down you could feel that this was your new reality, and as the tears stained your face you wrapped his shirt around you a little tighter, clinging to the last piece you had left of him. Promises of Christmas and a bright future together faded away in front of your eyes as your consciousness slipped away from you, Himchan’s smile greeting you on the other side of the darkness.