It’s like loving him in a shadow I tell you. That is how this story begins…...

For the whole day it’s raining. The window on the side of the room is the only little getaway they have to the outside world, a small frame to see what is there exist beyond the walls.

Hanbin has been watching the droplets of water sliding down the window to the pane. It is somewhat relaxing though nothing fruitful happens while watching them. The small reminder of time makes his mind wanders again to the tall figure of a person lying still beside him with his back facing him. He looks over and can’t help but to let a warm smile draws on his face.

Somehow the back of the person seems bigger but that is what he loves the most. The broad shoulders and chest of him often become the sanctuary for Hanbin during the night. A place he can call home. He plants a kiss on the other person’s forehead, hand reaching over to the chubby cheek it full of love with the other hand supporting his weight on the mattress. He can’t see the other face but only the side profile of him that he has always love.

“Hey…” He calls out softly into his ear, not wanting to surprise him. “You’re going to be late if you don’t wake up now.” He whispers them out, teasing by blowing air into the ear. His eyes then gleam in sparkles when his old tactic works and the other person is finally awake. Stretching his body, Hanbin can’t help but to feel bad when he hears the crack of bones from the younger one. He has been working so hard like always and that somehow makes Hanbin worried about his health. He watches him walking down the bed towards the bathroom, all drowsy with sleep till’ he can’t move properly like a good damn 24 years old man he is.

When the younger is in the bathroom, Hanbin quickly arises from the bed and makes up the. He takes out the younger clothes from inside the wardrobe. Satisfaction shines on his face seeing how wrinkles-free the uniform is. He has just ironed it last night before the younger came back home from work before cooking them dinner. “Your uniform is on the bed! Hurry up and have breakfast okay?!” He screams out so that the other man can hear him through the raging sound of the shower before he walks to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast.

10 minutes later he is joined by the younger. Hanbin with the pan in his hand looks over him from the stove. Sitting on the counter is his dear boyfriend for 5 years with the blue shirt and black pants. The dark-blue necktie draped neatly around his collar makes him look much handsome. Hanbin is in awe watching how handsome his boyfriend is but he can’t help to feel a slight sadness knowing that now the younger can put on his own tie already without his help like usual. However, he can’t deny how proud he feels over watching how the younger changes slowly into an adult. Something that he wishes not going to happen so soon but still he can’t stop it can he?

“Chanwoo…” He calls for the younger’s name catching his attention. The said man looks at him with one of his hands propped on the counter holding his chin. His dropped eyes make him look adorable despite his growing age. “Here’s your breakfast. Eat up.” Hanbin says as he glides the plate towards Chanwoo, face glows in anticipation for the younger to eat his infamous kimchi rice.

But Chanwoo keeps looking at him. His stance unwavering. Hanbin feels weird watching the younger unusual stare directed to him. No words spoken out from him making the older of the two much anxious and confused. After a few nerve-wrecking seconds, Chanwoo stands up from the chair, take his jacket and case with him and heads towards the door. It was an understatement to say that Hanbin is not alarmed.

He spins around the corner with the most baffled look he could give and asks, “Are you going to work already? You haven’t eaten your breakfast yet.” But Chanwoo doesn’t listen to him as he keeps walking to the exit and locks the door on his way. Hanbin is left with a heavy sigh with hand rubbing his face in utter defeat.

Rebelling and isolating; Chanwoo is doing it again.

He feels a bit pent up staying in the house doing nothing. Usually on this kind of hour, he would be on his laptop, letting his fingers dancing on the keyboard and words coming out from the depth of his precious head telling story either about his life or things that he made up himself. Hanbin works as a freelancer writer and has been publishing a few of his works in magazine but nowadays writing seems to be out of his range of interest. He is too preoccupied thinking of the weird behavior of Chanwoo and that is becoming his new interest.

It has been a few weeks since Chanwoo acts cold towards him; well correct that, it’s not just on him but the younger has been acting cold on everything. He suddenly turns quiet and reserved, distancing himself away from everyone including his family and friends. Although that is worrying, there is something else that makes Hanbin much agitated;

Chanwoo doesn’t smile anymore. As if the boyish grin and dazzling smile of him are completely wiped away, gone with the time and unknown sadness that makes him turn into such a person. There are no longer lights in his eyes. All the colors are gone from his big orbs along with the friendly nature he once oozed. That is what worries Hanbin the most.

Another heavy sigh escapes from him. It’s so frustrating trying to figure out the sudden change of Chanwoo. He drops the thoughts then, thinking about sad things is not the reason why he comes down. The reason he comes here is because the air is fresh and Hanbin thought that it won’t be any harm to sit back at the small park near their apartment. Nothing much intriguing to see other than a few children playing along with each other on the playground. It brings smile to him watching them and all of his worries being washed away.

He brings his phone into hands, fingers tapping the screen numerous time before it stops. On the screen flashes a contact picture of his friend; Jinhwan. The temptation to call the latter is strong but he decides not to do that. Since it won’t give any benefits to him; Jinhwan has never picked up his call nowadays and the same goes to his other friend’s, Jiwon. At the thinking of the other one’s name makes him snort. Jiwon has never called him ever since he becomes famous now. His other best friend is probably living his life to the fullest, fulfilling his dream as a successful musician he has become. A dream he has always been dreaming and chasing to.

Without Hanbin’s willing, he is sighing again to the air. The sound of it is so heavy and burdening. Another wave of stress and anguish come to him but he tries to fight them off of him. This is not the time for him to feel defeated he thought. He has to keep himself together and figure out what is wrong with his boyfriend. At least if Jinhwan and Jiwon forget about him, he couldn’t let his friendship’s struggles affect his relationship with Chanwoo. He must help bring resolution to the younger’s problem and get him back to his old self; the ever lovable Jung Chanwoo that Hanbin misses and loves the most.

Out of a sudden, when positivity and strength finally make their ways into his being, he feels a light thump on his leg. Hanbin lowers his gaze and sees a ball on the ground before him. As he’s about to reach over, a young boy wearing a snapback and loosen pants comes into his view. The boy’s chosen style of clothes makes Hanbin’s thought flies to his friend Jiwon. Those hip hop style definitely belongs to Jiwon when they were back in high school.

Hanbin smiles to him and he receives a reply of a smile back. The boy’s smile is so cute and adorable making Hanbin thinking about Chanwoo once again. It turns his smile much wider and brighter than before. “Is this your ball?” He asks the boy slowly not to scare him out. A nod is given by the kid before him but strangely he doesn’t pick up his ball. He just stands over there, unmoving and silence. The only thing that he does is giving Hanbin his sweet smile that makes Hanbin feels weird.

In the end, he picks up the ball for the boy and tosses it lightly to him. The smaller friend catches it and Hanbin sighs silently in relief. He is worried if the boy wouldn’t even catch it and the day will end up with him apologizing to the boy’s mother when he sends him home with a bandaged head or a bleeding nose just because he ends up ‘bullying’ her son by throwing a damn ball to his face. Now that is not how he wants the day to be over.

Hanbin with his head gestures for the boy to go back to his circle of friends waiting patiently for him to return the ball to them. The smile on his face stays unwavering as he says, “Go on and play with your friends. They are waiting for you.” The young boy before him smiles brightly hearing that as he nods his head furiously and runs back to the playground. He leaves Hanbin smiling alone on the bench. The boy makes him chuckle watching his cute antics. The bright and big grin make him remembers about his dear Chanwoo. Oh, how he truly loves those dimples and the dashing smile of the younger one. His heart throbs in longings for the other one.

Just then when he thought he is finally being left behind in peace, he sees the boy stops running as he stands still a few meters away from the bench Hanbin is sitting on. He grabs the man’s attention as Hanbin has his eyes on the boy’s small back in confusion, waiting for what the boy will do now. For a few seconds, the young boy just stands there before he turns around with yet another smile although this time it seems different than before.

There is something else about that smile. Something that shakes Hanbin’s heart and makes his smile staggering. He doesn’t feel good about it.

Only when the boy does speak he realizes it, “Ahjussi, why are you still here?” The boy asks the question that brings utter confusion to him. At first he couldn’t get the meaning behind it and even after a few seconds his brain processing the words he still couldn’t catch on it. Hanbin wants to ask what does the boy means but then he finds himself unable to mutter even a single word. Not even when the boy leaves him alone once again does Hanbin is able to speak.

A deep frown plastered on his face, along with his mind remembering the smile on the younger boy’s face and the questioning look he gives to Hanbin.

There is just something in his eyes that gets my heart shaking. Like there is something he doesn’t want to tell. Something bad…

The night is exceptionally cold unlike usual. Sitting by the fireplace is Hanbin with his fingers furiously tapping the screen of his phone. It’s late already but Chanwoo is still not home. The office hour has long finished and the night is getting much colder and darker out there. Yet still, no sign of him nor any messages or calls telling his boyfriend who is waiting for him at home that he will be late or something for the day.

To: Chanwoonie
11:24 p.m.

Chanwoo, where are you? Are you still at the office?

To: Chanwoonie
11:51 p.m.

Chanwoo, are you still working in the office? That’s enough of it, jagi. Just come back home now. It’s already late.

To: Chanwoonie
12:05 a.m.

Yah, why are you ignoring my calls? At least reply my messages. Just tell me if you’re okay or not.

To: Chanwoonie
12:39 a.m.

Seriously, what you have been up to?! It’s midnight already! Can’t you just do it tomorrow?! What if you fall sick!

To: Chanwoonie
12:45 a.m.

Please, tell me that you are okay sweetheart. Just… reply my texts will you? Please tell me where are you right now. Please Chanwoo…...

Those have been the messages Hanbin has been sending to Chanwoo for the past hours. But of course, like usual, he gets no reply. Not even a call from Chanwoo telling him that he is okay or he will be spending the night in his office like what he had done before during the busy days he had. Nothing comes into the inbox nor the receiving call log. It’s like Chanwoo is completely ignoring him.

Facing the younger’s tantrum and unexpected moody behavior are the usual. But tonight is the first time. Chanwoo has never ever done something like this; ignoring the calls and messages his worried boyfriend sends to him. This kind of rebellion is a new one and Hanbin doesn’t like it one bit. He has no clue why would Chanwoo becomes like this or how can this problem escalate this far.

He wonders what has actually gone wrong while he lets his fingers tapping on the screen for the last time before he wakes up from the couch and grabs his jacket with the keys.

To: Chanwoonie
01:12 a.m.

Stay put. I’m coming to get you.

Much surprisingly Chanwoo is not in his office. Hanbin finds out that the building has been emptied entirely since hours ago and now nobody is inside anymore. It’s over midnight already and Hanbin has no idea where the hell is his boyfriend right now. He tries to call for him hundreds of times but still, no answers. The same goes to his text messages.

He curses out loud during the car ride. Exploding his rage to the steering wheel. Hanbin is so fed up with Chanwoo’s attitude already. But he loves him too much and cares too much that he’s willing to search for him in the middle of the night everywhere and anywhere his mind brings him to, no matter how angry he is right now.

But no matter how vast his knowledge and know-hows about his boyfriend, he still hasn’t found him. After hours of driving, Hanbin decides to just come back home hoping and praying for Chanwoo to be at home already. When he has reached his house, he found that the lights are off and no sight of a single human being. That could only mean one thing; Chanwoo is still not home.

Feeling defeated, and hella tired to drive to nowhere for the umpteenth rounds, Hanbin decides to cool down himself at the park near their apartment, the usual place where he can find his peace. He sits at the same bench he sat on this morning, getting comfortable with the dark and coldness seeping into his bones as he waits patiently for Chanwoo to return. He has already given up on calling or texting the younger.

He looks through his wristwatch to find that it’s almost 3 in the morning. Yet still, no sight of Jung Chanwoo. This get Hanbin really agitated as he waits for the younger to return. He is lost on what is totally wrong with him. As he sits there all alone, Hanbin asks himself; what wrongs have he done this time until the younger retaliates this much? Are they even fighting? If yes, then why? Because Hanbin has no idea at all since when and why would they fight when for the past few weeks they have been good with each other. He tries to dig through his memory box trying to figure out what kind of mess has he done this time for the younger to be so mad at him.

As he is too busy with himself, he doesn’t even notice the figure standing before him. Only when that said figure speaks does Hanbin raises his head, “Why are you still here, ahjussi?”

He is taken aback entirely with the young boy from this morning. Close enough to curse at him but then quickly reprimands himself not to use such an inappropriate word in front of a kid. Thank God that Hanbin doesn’t scream or kick that boy as he thought he might be a ghost or something.

He feels wary though, thus he asks, “Are you a … human or g-ghost?” Somehow, the boy looks annoyed as he puffed his chubby cheeks.

“Ahjussi, I think you are crazy. You can clearly see I’m a normal human being. My feet touch the ground and I got shadow with me.” The clever boy says as he points to his legs. Hanbin nods his head when he sees such mentioned things by him and slowly he lowers his hand and sits straight. A tint of red slowly appears on his cheeks showing how embarrassed he is.

“Oh, okay then. So, what are you doing here, boy? It’s so late. You should be in bed by now.” Hanbin asks when he realizes that the boy has already passed his bedtime long ago. Another wariness coming creeping up to him. This boy can’t be a normal boy. “Or could it be you are really—”

But before Hanbin can finish it, the said boy cut him off, this time with something that gets his eyes open widely, “Ahjussi, are you waiting for your lover right now?”

Hanbin is not just shocked, he is beyond that. On how can this young boy knows such thing is a real mystery. Far more mysterious than his grandmother’s rapping skills. Now he is not just scared, but utterly confused and baffled. “Wha—how did you—”

“If I were you, I won’t be waiting for him here.” The boy said, a small smile on his boyish and innocent face. “You should just wait inside, ahjussi. He will come home soon. It’s almost time for him to be back after all.” He adds on adding much confusion to Hanbin. The look he is giving the boy screams puzzlement and incredulity. He then holds on the boy’s shoulder; not transparent, which means he is a human. Hanbin inwardly sighs at that in relief but still confused. “How did you know that he will be back soon?”

But his question is left hanging when the boy points his finger enthusiastically to his back. When Hanbin turns around, what the boy said turns out to be true. There is a cab stopping in front of the apartment complex’s gate and the person coming out from the passenger’s seat is none other than the person Hanbin has been waiting for since hours ago. His eyes rounded widely then he turns his attention to the boy in front of him. There is a knowing smile on the boy’s face as if he is proud that he is right. It’s just adding much confusion to Hanbin’s mind at how can the boy knows that Chanwoo is going to be back at this such kind of an hour when it is the first time ever Chanwoo has done something incredulous like this?

But Hanbin has no time to ask. He hastily gets to Chanwoo but before he could move an inch, his hand is being pulled. He turns around and sees the boy holding his wrist tightly with both of his tiny little hands. Hanbin wants to ask for him to let go nicely so that he can go to Chanwoo but then the boy’s next words stun him on the ground yet again, “You should quickly open your eyes ahjussi and see things the way it is. The way you should see it. Don’t get dwell on too long.”

Hanbin has no idea what is the boy talking about but for now he couldn’t care much about it. The only thing in his mind is only Chanwoo and he needs to get to him quickly. After urging the young boy to go back to his home, Hanbin rushes over to the elevator Chanwoo used. But he’s a bit late as the elevator is already going up. Luckily the other one is working. When he reaches their floor, Hanbin sees Chanwoo is getting the password to the door. He walks with much fiery towards the younger when he is still fiddling with the password.

When he stands right beside Chanwoo, he asks him in a not so friendly way, “Where the hell have you been?”

There are a few seconds of silence before Chanwoo heaves out a deep sigh and he says, “Han River.” Before he tries to get the next passcode.

“For almost all night?! What have you been up to there?!” Hanbin knows that it is for the best if he doesn’t scream for the sake of the other neighbors. But at this point, he doesn’t care anymore. He is just so frustrated and tired and worried about Chanwoo. He is so pissed that he has been looking for the younger like a mad man all over the places but only to find out that he is just hanging out at the damn Han River for all night long. –Though Hanbin is relieved to see Chanwoo getting home in one piece, no sign of alcohol or his shirt being decorated with something red and scandalous. –

Another sigh, this time much filled with fatigue and Hanbin starts to feel guilty for screaming at him. “God, I’m so tired. I know that I shouldn’t stay there too long.” Chanwoo says this time adding much Hanbin’s guiltiness. Only after his mild outburst earlier he can see how pale and tired the younger’s face is. His eye bags are getting much bigger and darker unlike this morning and his body seems like almost falling down to the floor if it isn’t because of the door giving support to his tired body.

Hanbin is about to hold Chanwoo and help him to get inside when the younger opens up the door and enters the house; leaving Hanbin alone outside watching him disappear behind the door. Letting out a very deep sigh with his hands running over his messy hair, Hanbin gets inside and closes the door shut.

Later that night when he gets into their bedroom, Hanbin can’t help but to stand at the doorframe surrounded with the dark as he silently watches the slump figure of Chanwoo on the bed covered with the blanket. Somehow the younger’s back looks somewhat smaller than the usual and Hanbin swears that he does notice the back of his lover shakes a little. It’s a small movement, like a hidden twitch that tell Chanwoo is crying. He doesn’t know if he sees it right or is it just because his eyes are making troubles from all the drive he did today.

Hanbin waits no longer as he slowly climbs onto the bed, there is no need for light as he can see exactly where he is going. He smoothly gets under the duvet and hugs the younger from behind. He wants to ask Chanwoo what did he do at the Han River today and with who but then watching how in deep the younger is sleeping he passes it through. He gathers the man from behind, securely embracing him to provide warmth to both of them and finally after the younger’s scent gets into his nostril, he closes his eyes and welcomes the sleep.

But Hanbin can’t help to stir a little at night when he could feel Chanwoo’s body shakes and silent sobs are being heard coming out from the younger’s mouth. Instinctively, his hold on the younger becomes tighter and with a kiss on his nape, Hanbin shushes lullaby to get both of them back to sleep.

-Few days later-

The urge to call Jinhwan and Jiwon’s come though like always, his call won’t be reaching out to them. He has no idea why everybody is not answering his call nowadays but Hanbin takes it that they are just being busy. He is sitting in his room with laptop when he hears the familiar sound of the passcode being punched into the doorlock. Then the sound of the main door opened and Hanbin quickly gets on his feet to see why would Chanwoo be back so early today.

Only for him to see it’s not Chanwoo but his older brother, Yunhyeong.

“Yunhyeong hyung? What are you doing here?” Hanbin asks him but Yunhyeong can’t hear him. Like of course he couldn’t when Hanbin is practically throwing the question when the older is in another room. He walks his way to the kitchen to see Yunhyeong with phone on his ear and 2 big grocery bags on the counter. Now that is weird Hanbin thought because Chanwoo and him still have enough food supply for the next 3 months.

Hanbin warily watches Yunhyeong on the phone talking with somebody while he goes to see what is it inside the bags. Luckily Yunhyeong is facing the window thus he could sneak in a little bit behind the older back. After all, Hanbin has a feeling that he still doesn’t notice his presence yet. Might be good to surprise him a bit.

“Yes mum, I’m already at Chanwoo’s house.” He hears Yunhyeong says and by the name, Hanbin knows that he is calling Chanwoo and his mother. “Yes, Chanwoo is out working. Nobody is home right now.” Hanbin raises up his eyebrows hearing it. That means Yunhyeong doesn’t know that he is at home today. Chanwoo probably hasn’t tell his brother yet that Hanbin has already stopped going to the magazine’s company and works from home only.

“I already bought what is needed for dinner, and also a few supplies for the next few months. I just knew that his whole fridge is empty.” Well now that makes Hanbin kind of a bit annoyed. If there is something that Yunhyeong should know about him other than his expertise in writing, he also has the basic sixth sense in sensing the capacity of their fridge. He can’t wait to see how Chanwoo will scold the world out of his brother for buying too much groceries when their fridge is full enough.

“This is good.”

Yunhyeong smiles warmly hearing his younger brother complimenting his cooking. It’s not every day Chanwoo would say a good thing about his cooking. “I’m glad that you like it, Chanwoo.” Yunhyeong retorts back happily before sipping the hot soup into his mouth. It’s only three of them; Hanbin, Chanwoo and his brother Yunhyeong eating dinner together. Hanbin has no idea why would Yunhyeong be cooking the dinner for them neither the reason why he would suddenly come to their house for today. But he surely is glad for all the meals the older has cooked for them.

The dishes are Chanwoo’s favorite. Hanbin knows it well and whatever things that Chanwoo likes, he likes it too. “This is so good, Yunhyeong hyung. I think you should come over often and cook for us.” Hanbin says in a good manner with the hint of cheekiness in it.

“You should not trouble yourself, hyung. You know that I can cook by myself right?” Chanwoo mutters afterwards without lifting his eyes from the meal. Yunhyeong watches him with fond eyes only as he says, “There is no such thing as me troubling myself by cooking for you. I do this because I want to. So don’t worry, okay maknae?”

“But you can’t come here so often.” The words that come out from Chanwoo make the air becomes solemn. Finally, he makes eye contact with his brother but the look he gives is not friendly. Hanbin feels alarmed watching how rude Chanwoo is behaving to his older brother. “You don’t have to cook for me all the time, okay? I can handle it.”

“Chanwoo yah.” Hanbin calls out for the younger, tries to reprimand him from spluttering rude words towards Yunhyeong. But his call is paid no heed. Chanwoo returns back his attention to his meal. And from the look on Yunhyeong’s face, Hanbin knows that the older is disappointed. Hanbin has to apologize to him. “I’m sorry hyung. Chanwoo is just not feeling well.”

Yunhyeong lets out a sigh. He looks over his younger brother with pity and sad eyes. Chanwoo doesn’t look up not because he is not brave enough to see the look his brother has on him but because he hates it.

“Chanwoo…” Yunhyeong calls out softly. Eyes staring at the younger softly and kindly like a mother. “I only want to help.” He says as his right hand let go of the spoon and holds his brother’s hand. Yunhyeong rubs his brother’s knuckles with his thumb calmly as an assurance. But then the contact they have is broken by the younger himself as Chanwoo stands up from his chair.

“I’m too tired today. I want to go to sleep. Thank you for the meal, hyung.” And there he goes off into the bedroom. His action brings much surprise to both Yunhyeong and Hanbin. It makes Hanbin gaping in disbelief at how Chanwoo could treat his brother that way. He has never seen the younger acts this way; this rudeness emitting from him is something new and …. bad. He doesn’t know since when Chanwoo has enough guts to disobey his brother when the Chanwoo he knows is someone that treats the older around him with much respect.

“I’m sorry hyung.” Hanbin apologizes for the second time. “He’s … uh… not in a very good mood nowadays.” He adds with much reluctance. “But he’ll be fine by tomorrow.” Hanbin can only hope for his little lie to become true. He watches how Yunhyeong’s body slumps into the chair, sighing loudly in fatigue and depress. Hanbin feels bad for him after all the efforts he has been putting for the day.

“I hope he can smile once again. I miss seeing his smile.” Yunhyeong murmurs though Hanbin guesses the words are for himself. “I miss the old Chanwoo.” And Hanbin can’t be more agree than that.

He has done taking his late night shower after Yunhyeong has gone back home. When he steps inside the room, he sees Chanwoo hasn’t sleep yet. He is sitting by the side of the bed, his back is facing Hanbin and looks like he is holding to something. But Hanbin could care less about that because rather than finding out what the younger is holding in his hands, he would be much more interested to know what is in Chanwoo’s mind for treating Yunhyeong badly tonight during dinner.

“Tell me...” He starts off. Towel drapes on his neck, wearing a simple green t-shirt with a red stripes pajama pants. “What is wrong with you tonight—no, not just tonight. What is wrong with you for the past few days exactly?”

Chanwoo stays silent. He doesn’t say anything. Still facing the wall giving his back to his boyfriend who is much on the verge of annoyance towards his attitude. “I don’t know what is actually happening to you since you have stopped talking to me, ignoring me and shutting me away.” Hanbin lets a string of cold and empty chuckles out from his mouth. The mocking smile he gives reflect none such happiness. It’s a torn smile and Chanwoo is the one making him feel torn. “You haven’t been smiling for like … ages. You’re less talking and getting so moody all the time. Then suddenly there will come days where you will be coming home so late and I don’t even know where the hell did you go to because for God’s sake you are not even talking to me! Seriously, what is wrong with you Chanwoo?!?”

There, Hanbin has let it all out. All his pent up frustration for days and weeks and months, he has finally let it all out from his chest. He feels kind of light but still heavy inside. Can’t stop his heart from beating painfully through his chest. His breath is all ragged and fast, face red and sweating, like Hanbin has just run miles. But still, not even after his scolding and explosion, Chanwoo still won’t look at him. He is still giving his back to Hanbin and that makes the older feels so annoyed and pissed. He can’t stand it any longer now.

Because for all of these days, the only things that he receives from Chanwoo is just his back, his constant sighs, his ignorance and silence. There is no more the shining and dazzling smile he reserves only for Hanbin, no more laughter that sounds like heaven to Hanbin’s ears, no more their sweet talks before going to sleep and hugs and kisses that Hanbin longs the most.  It feels like years since the last he feels those tingling of butterflies in his stomach. It feels like Chanwoo is drifting away from him, like he is so mad at him and this is his way to punish Hanbin.

Hanbin has decided for him not to stand still anymore. Fuming with anger, he walks towards the other side of the bed to face the younger. He is all prepared with the scolding he is going to give to Chanwoo for the younger to get back to his senses. No more mercy and delineate. He will talk the mind out of his boyfriend tonight.

But before Hanbin could even mutter a word, it stuck on his throat. His breath is hitching when he sees the younger’s face. Chanwoo is crying with tears slowly cascading down his sunken cheeks like a fountain. His eyes are bloodshot red and puffy from all the crying he has. The sight brings cold to Hanbin as his firm stance earlier is no longer seen and angry eyes become soften in worries and pure shock. He kneels down beside Chanwoo with shaky legs. The look on his face is so lost and dumbfounded. It brings him great shock to see Chanwoo crying.

“Chanwoo? What’s wrong, jagi? Why are you crying?” Hanbin asks the younger with his hands on the younger’s knee. After his words are uttered, Chanwoo puts his head down and he cries more. It tears Hanbin’s heart to see the younger in such a condition. He is lost and all confused and worried on why the younger is breaking down. He keeps asking but Chanwoo doesn’t say anything. He just keeps crying.

Then Hanbin notices the thing Chanwoo is holding in his hands. He takes a closer look in the slight dark of the side of the room and sees clearly that the younger has their picture. It’s the picture of them together during their visit to Busan last summer. Hanbin remembers that sunny and bright day where it’s only both of them against the scorching sun, holding each other close with so much love pours from their eyes to each other. They are at the hotel room’s balcony after the breakfast before they would be going out to the beach when Chanwoo insists for them to take a picture together as a memory.

Hanbin still could feel the heat of Chanwoo’s body as he held the younger close by his waist with Chanwoo’s face an inch apart from him as he held the phone to take their picture. Then right before Chanwoo snapped their picture, Hanbin had a chance to plant a kiss on the younger’s chubby cheek and then the picture was what they had, a proof of their burning love.

It’s their favorite picture out from the others during the holiday and thus it is framed to be put on the bedside table so that whenever they look at it, they will remember the feeling of love they had that time. Hanbin feels so much confused on why Chanwoo is now holding the picture in his hands. Moreover, he is crying badly which got him much puzzled than ever. As Hanbin is trying hard to mend the pieces, he hears Chanwoo calling for him, “H—hyung…”

“Yes Chanwoo?” He answers back in reflect but then nothing comes out from the younger. Hanbin waits then, thinking that perhaps Chanwoo is just collecting his thoughts.

“H—hanbin hyung……”

“Yes, I’m right here jagi. What’s wrong?” He urges slowly for Chanwoo to speak up.

“I—I miss y—you.” Hanbin smiles at that.

“I’m just here all day. You shouldn’t be missing me that much.” Hanbin says with so much affection as he slowly rubs Chanwoo’s knee to give him some comfort. But then he frowns hardly when the younger keeps repeating his name, calling for him. As if he is far away. “Chanwoo, are you okay?”

“I—I miss you, hyung. I miss you so m—much. I want to see you... badly.”

Hearing that he’s stunned. Eyes growing bigger and dilated. Hanbin feels the puzzlement in him grows much massive than before. Whatever the thing that he heard from Chanwoo earlier sounds weird in his ears. “What are you talking about, sweetheart? I’m here. You see it, right? I’m just right beside you, Chanwoo.” Hanbin utters out, in hope for Chanwoo to hear it and wakes up from whatever hallucination he is having right now. Only for him to see Chanwoo’s tears fall harder and faster. Hanbin is shocked.

“W—why would you l—leave me, hyung? How could you leave me alone over here and just g—go? Why would you leave me alone without you?”

Hanbin couldn’t find himself capable of understanding what has been said by Chanwoo. He doesn’t get it. What does he mean by him leaving? Since when did he go away when Hanbin has always been beside him all the time?

He watches how tight Chanwoo’s hold is on the frame. All his tears falling onto it, wetting the glass frame. The younger then pulls it closer to his face until the frame is on his eye level. In desperation, Chanwoo nuzzles the frame to his nose. He cries even harder and sobbing to the picture as if his life depends on it. it makes Hanbin’s heart shattered into pieces watching how broken the younger is when he has no clue about it.

“I—I shouldn’t have let you go out alone that night. I could just c—come with you and all of these things wouldn’t have happened. We could be happy like how we were and you—” Chanwoo’s breath hitched as the sobs prevent him from talking straight. His whimpers are so loud and without Hanbin knowing it he is crying too.

“Y—you would still be alive, hyung. You would still b—be here with me.”

It’s like a thunder strikes him in whole all over his body. His nerves snapped, all bones cracking and heart stops beating. Like all his blood is drained from his entire body he feels along with the hitched breath he has. Hanbin thoughts that he could be hearing it wrongly but then when the words keep resonating in his mind, he knows that he heard it right.

Then a memory comes, a flash of memory of the day it all happened. The fateful night that changed his life; and Chanwoo’s, forever. He was walking alone to the stationary store that night, to buy himself a new black ink cartilage as his printer already ran out of them. H