It gets harder each time passed. The ache he felt deep within his heart clutched him in its palm, squeezed the light out of him. Nowadays he woke up from his bed and wondered how he could pull it off today. He himself fascinated with the amount his body could bear. It’s a wonder he still able to muster up his smile and his spirit to drag himself out of the bed, faced the day like nothing torn apart inside of him. He didn’t even know what’s left of him to pick up the strength to carry on. It’s hard, and gradually becomes severe. It needs every ounce of his desire not to kneel and wept, not to surrender.

Just like today, Kim Jongkook awoke at dawn. He didn’t have a good sleep recently, not since he named the ache he felt in his heart. The first thing he recognized was the comfortable cocoon of darkness that surrounded his room. He felt chill, even though the heater is on. His eyes wandered, staring at no particular object. Another day has gone, he thought. It means he survived one more day. It’s satisfactory to know that he could. It proves that he could carry on with his life, and function almost normally. Even that felt like luxury. This way, he could try to believe that he will be alright, that he didn’t feel the pain that swell in his heart which continuously devoured him inside out. At least he could delude himself that he’s strong enough to put up the cheery mask that fooled everyone. That way, little by little, he could fool himself the same.

Jongkook aware that it sounds really unhealthy, to have a delusion that fooled you and refused to accept the reality, yet again, it’s the only way he could think of. The reality, the pain in his heart is too much to deal. He can’t handle it, not without losing all rationality he had. Jongkook terrified. Each day he gambled whether or not his body could go any longer. He didn’t want to feel the pain in his heart. Though the pain is threatening him to succumb, took control of his mind. It’s ironic how hard you tried to ignore your feeling and the feeling is screaming back right at you as a result. The more Jongkook tried to push the feeling aside, the more he feels the feeling exist. It’s always like that with her. The more Jongkook tried not to remember her, the more her figure danced vividly in his mind. It’s evaded his mind, just like drugs.

Up to his age today, people would think that love is not a big deal. Hell, he himself thought the same. He hit 40s and there’re much more to do in his life than cherished a woman. He acted like a high school boy who got a crush. Even his first love can’t get anywhere near to what he experienced right now. It’s as if he was in the pool of madness but he can’t keep his head above the water because there’re chains bind him down. Jongkook loves to take control, obviously over his life as well. He used to know what he wanted and worked to achieve. This time, he can’t quite pinpoint what he wants and he can’t do anything to satiate his desire.

The desire and the pain called Song Jihyo.

Jongkook didn’t know when and how his platonic affection changed form. Somewhere along the way, Jongkook saw Jihyo not as a little sister anymore; he started to see her as a woman. How could this be? He’d ask himself the same question. Every time he saw a glimpse of her, something within him changed. When Jihyo innocently held his hand, Jongkook suffocated with a pain and pleasure. She’s different from any other woman Jongkook met. In front of attractive women, he tended to be shy and reluctant. He was gentle and polite. He first saw Jihyo as a family. It gave him space to be just the way he is. He was much more carefree and able to show Jihyo many side of him besides the surface. With Jihyo, Jongkook felt comfortable enough to take control, to show his streak of competitiveness, and show his wittiness by constantly bickering and teasing.

With Jihyo, Jongkook also freely express his caring attitude. He could easily show his act of concern toward her well-being. He did it without fear of the other part got misunderstand or get the wrong idea. Seeing Jihyo as a part of family doesn’t mean she’s less a woman in Jongkook eyes. To him, Jihyo is his most treasure woman beside his mother. She’s stunning woman, just not a woman for him. When did he start to enjoy ruffle her hair? Jongkook started to anticipate their shared interaction. When he realized about the tingling feeling he had, he already savored their connection a tad too much. Their conversation, her hand that held his ever so casually, her smile, her scent, her voice, all felt like a comfortable breeze that Jongkook constantly looked for.

Sadly, it’s true that at the age of 40, he didn’t see love as teenage see it. He’d learned that being in love isn’t easy. It’s not merely feeling and body sensation. There are commitment, intimacy, and lots of stuff combined altogether. By the first time Jongkook recognized his uncontrollably fond of Jihyo, he knew right away it’s not just a simple crush. It’s also passed the platonic feeling of loving your little sister. It’s a howling, agonizing love, in every way possible. It stormed, invaded every little piece of his heart, and it scares him. It’s not the first time for Jongkook to fall in love, but this is the first he felt the love that enormous. It’s beautiful, it’s painful, and it’s forbidden. Indeed, his feeling grew to something irreplaceable, but Jihyo’s feeling, as long as Jongkook concerned, stayed the same. To her, Jongkook is a family, an older brother, a friend, and a fellow cast. Jihyo never indicated she saw Jongkook as a man. She never step passed the borderline. The first time Jongkook recognized he loves Jihyo, he also knew it’s a love that means to be kept and he would end up broken.

 To add into the equation was his previous reputation with pretty celebrities, especially at the same cast show. If the media knew he fell in love with another female cast, they surely became a chew toy. To spice up thing, they are also in the middle of Running Man show, which established big favor from mass. In the show, Jihyo has her made up boyfriend, Gary, who is his best friend. The couple soon became an eye candy to citizen. There’s no room for Jongkook’s love as long as he and Jihyo both starring at the show. In the other side, Gary shows hint of seriousness in his role. Sometimes in reality too, he acted his role like it’s not just a role. That’s another one from pile that Jongkook can’t do. Thinking about all that, Jongkook felt as if he was in the middle of non-stop merry go-round, all confusing and blurry.

Too many chaos for Jongkook to handle and even though he is capable of lots of things, this is the situation where he felt powerless. Thinking about it over and over again, the only way is for him to step back and stopped all of this. Jongkook told himself countless times that this is the battle he can’t win, so why he tries hard? Why he even tries in the first place? Jongkook yelled to himself that he was foolish. He put everything at a stake. He should stop. He should turn around and forgot all of this. He said that to himself constantly yet he can’t. It’s a bloody battle between his mind and his heart. His mind mocked his heart for the pain he got, for every scratches he bear. Still, his heart overruled any other part of him. It spoke loudly and the only word it spoke was Jihyo. He wanted her more than anything. How can this be, wanting the only one you can’t have? Jongkook’s life turned too similar with sad love songs he used to sing.

Sighed, Jongkook woke up from his bed and entered the bath. He cleaned himself efficiently while thinking what he would do today. He got a day off and he’s not really tired from yesterday activity. He needed to do something to keep his mind occupied. Jongkook thought of work out and hangout with Kwangsoo later. He spent much of his time stayed at Kwangsoo’s house. Kwangsoo could keep him entertained and forgot about his situation right now. Maybe later they can also grab a dinner at Haha’s restaurant. It’s quite a long time since Jongkook visited Haha and his wife. Maybe it’s a better idea to hang out with his friends outside the Running Man’s cast. It would lessen the possibility Jihyo will come as well. Several times Jongkook hang out with the cast, he met Jihyo there too.

They met more than once a week. They sometimes went to gym, tanning, and hang out together. For three out of seven days a week, Jongkook met with Jihyo, either it’s just two of them or with others. Jongkook didn’t know why he kept meeting Jihyo outside of Running Man’s filming. He kept telling himself that’s because he didn’t want to make Jihyo suspicious by his act and severed their friendship. The truth is he can’t stay too far from her. Seeing her might be painful, but cannot see her is unbearable. Jongkook felt a little empty without her around. He constantly thinks of her and got a little sullen. She kept him at bay.

Jongkook ate a little breakfast, since it’s not good being too full before exercise. Then he drove his car to the gym, texted his manager to tell him where he off to. The weather started to get chill, since spring already near. It’s a good thing he wore a long sleeves. It’s a quite cold for him but after he did some exercise he will be better. Almost eager, Jongkook parked his car and entered the building. His personal trainer immediately saw him walked in and approached him.

“You are early today,” he said while patted his shoulder.

“I have no schedule today,” he replied while approaching the treadmill. “Do you want to take one round with me later?”

His personal trainer grinned by the challenge. “Alright, boxing?”

“Deal,” Jongkook agreed and set up the pace he wanted. The trainer went to let him get warmed up. After a long time working together, they’ve became a good friend. The trainer understood when his assist needed and when it’s not. Today is not the day when his assist needed. Lately, he always had deep in thought and preferred to work out alone. Though when his friends are came with him, he seemed cheerful and excited like his usual self. Especially when he brought his friends from Running Man, they always had a good time exercise together. When he’s alone, it’s a total opposite. The trainer wondered what’s exactly going on but he didn’t pry too much and left Jongkook alone as he wished.

Once he set up the pace he likes, Jongkook put his stuff on the floor next to the treadmill, and stepped up. He immediately started to jog. The slow pace relaxed his muscle, but it’s not enough to drift his mind. After a good fifteen minutes, he fastened up the pace and ran. Soon, Jongkook lost track of time. He focused on his task at the moment that he forgot all. His mind completely blank; left him with the body sensation. He could felt his legs muscles flexed; he felt the tingling feeling when a sweat dropped on his back. Jongkook could felt his heart beat raced and he challenged himself to go faster, to enjoy the moment a little more.

He stopped when he’s out of breath. He adjusted the pace and jogged once more. He jogged for another fifteen minutes to relax his muscles. His mind was clearer than before. By the time he got off the treadmill, Jongkook realized an hour already passed. He crouched down to take a water bottle and sipped until the bottle was empty. He tossed the bottle to the trash can and went back to retrieve clean towel on the floor, next to his stuff. When he grabbed the towel, he saw a blue light blinking on his phone. He took his phone and opened it while wiping his sweat of his face. It was a several chats from several people and few other notifications as well, but one that captured his attention the most was several chats from Jihyo.

Hyungnim~ what are you doing?

Are you at the gym right now?

Those simple messages were enough to stir his mind back to her. Jongkook ignored the messages, locked his phone without opened the chat and approached the weight lifting machine. He set up the weight and started to lift the burden. He did that few times, adjusted and put on more weight before he satisfied and finally stopped. When he stopped, his personal trainer approached him to offer a bottle of water.

“Good work.”

“Thanks,” Jongkook said for both the compliment and the water. He uncapped the seal and drank thirstily. The trainer massaged his arm muscle.

“You are in a good condition today.”

Jongkook nodded and wiped his sweat. “Yeah, I’m not too busy recently and the filming doesn’t too hard.”

They chat a little while Jongkook resting before their one round match. The trainer brought the boxing gloves for both of them. They agreed to settle the match at ten points only. Whoever got the first ten points will be the winner.  Jongkook strapped one of the gloves on his hand. It’s quite a long time since he did boxing. He liked it though. In the middle of get ready for boxing, his phone rang. Jongkook approached it and looked at the caller ID. His breath hitched when he read the name Jihyo at his screen.

“Jihyo?” Jongkook answered the call.

“Oppa, I’ve sent you text but you didn’t read it.”

“Really?” he said feigned innocence.

 “Yes. Oppa where are you?” she asked in return.

Jongkook absorbed her voice and felt pleasant. Her voice had this much effect on him. She really wrapped him around her fingers. They didn’t meet outside the Running Man filming recently, due to Jihyo’s work and his schedule as well. It’s been four days since the shooting for Running Man. Hearing her voice told Jongkook that he missed a little piece for four days and he just got it back now.

“I’m at gym right now. What’s going on?”

“Ah, so you work out,” she responded. “Oppa, I found a good restaurant. They serve healthy food. I heard that the food taste good too. Do you want to grab lunch there together?”

Another chance to meet her, Jongkook sighed to himself. This is how casual they ended up spent days together. Jongkook almost never say no to her and Jihyo, on the other hand also easily say yes to any of his offer to hang out together. This is the perfect opportunity to meet Jihyo after the agonizing four days without any contact. He would agree right away if his fear didn’t crawl up to the peak. The dilemma he always felt toward her. He wanted to see her, he afraid to see her. Its pleasure to meet her, it’s painful. Jongkook didn’t think he could continue like this forever. This is way overdue for him to step back. For the past four days, Jongkook already think that he should do something to fix his feeling.

“Today?” Jongkook asked through the phone.

“Yeah. Can you make it, oppa?” she replied. “I will wait until you finish working out.”

“I don’t think today is good, Jihyo. I’m a little busy,” Jongkook finally spoke. His hand unconsciously clenched tight.

“Ah, really?”

To Jongkook deluded mind, she sounded like she’s dishearten. “Maybe next time?” he offered to ease her disappointment.

“It’s okay, let’s go next time. Take care of yourself, oppa.”

“Alright, see you.”

The connection went off. He placed his phone on the table. He turned and saw his trainer’s eyes on him. “I thought you said you aren’t too busy these days,” he said that much like question. He seriously didn’t mean to pry on other’s private life but something ticked him off.

He didn’t get an answer for Jongkook still try to compose his self. It needs to stop, he reminded himself all over again. He can’t continue like this forever and the right thing to do is gradually stay away from her. With that, he wished that this insanity will stop and finally he could love her appropriately, as a sibling. Isn’t it the right thing? Then why the thought about it left his entire body screaming?

That day, Jongkook didn’t have ten points match boxing. He went on and on, until he can’t afford to stand. He still went on if not because the trainer forcefully dragged him away from the ring. He was left to lie down in a cold floor of the gym. His breath was erratic and all his muscles sore, but the most detrimental blow was on his heart. He closed his eyes and the last image he saw was her.

- LadyDeb