It’s pathetic really, sitting here on my bedroom floor drinking soju straight from the bottle.

How did I start thinking of him again? I don’t even remember how the thoughts came about but here they are, etched into my brain, grabbing and pulling their way back up and causing an indescribable amount of discomfort in my chest and throat as choked up sobs are all that are able to make their way through my mouth.

The silk covering his bronze skin, his fingers digging and pulling me to him as if I was the only thing that mattered and I loved that, the feeling of being wanted. His lips finding their way over patches of my skin making heat rush all through my body, feeling as if electricity was passing through me. He chuckled, of all things he laughed but I found myself laughing with him, the vibrations sent from his mouth through my chest, “I love you Do Kyungsoo, damn I love you so much.” And he would lie next to me, wrapping those firm arms around my waist and pulling me to where there would be no space left, he made sure I would never feel alone. A couple pecks on the neck to try to make me turn around, of which I did, and he placed a firm chaste kiss to my lips then another. His eyes, they held nothing but sincerity, love, and dedication and I could only smile while kissing the tip of his nose, “And Kim Jongin, I love you, so damn much.”

Another sip.

Why the am I bringing this all back up. The memories, the love, all so far gone but the wounds I still have sit here with me and this alcohol. I was just another college student, working towards something in finance but everyone knew I would find my way into singing. Why did he choose me of all people? The ing geek, nerd, weirdo, whatever you want to call it, that was me. Into books and wanting to excel in everything, but he was the opposite … That had to be what caused the end of us.

Head in the books 24/7, no rest, barely eating. That was the college life for you. I was working towards a financial degree, lord knows I wouldn’t use it unless my singing career didn’t take off like I wanted. I heard I was a really good singer, good enough for the arenas, for the world to hear and I started believing it as I spent hours during the night practicing over and over, working on my breathing technique and various other things. Of course being up all night caused me to feel like when classes came in the morning, 10am sharp.

Classes were boring and pointless but that didn’t stop me from attending and doing my best through the years. What distracted me was the guy staring at me from across the room as I picked up stray pens and papers, and it wasn’t one of those stares where when the person got caught they looked away as quickly as possible, no, we were having a staring contest at this point. Only when the room was all cleared did he look away and that’s when I saw the smirk on his lips.

That continued on for a week or so, I became self-conscious every time he even looked in my vicinity, I wanted to know his name and the reason he had b