Six am. This was the hour indicated on the clock on HyunSeung’s sleep table for the fifth time in the span of less than a week. Weary, HyunSeung took his phone out, as usual, like stimulating his brain with blue lights would help him find rest. No messages, no calls, no e-mails. Of course. It’s six am, idiot.

Sleep is something HyunSeung had always struggled with, for as far as he could remember having paid attention to whether he did it well or not. His idol life and its incessant schedules, the pressure of handling his newfound popularity, his musical, his unexplainable growing feelings for Hyuna, his father’s passing. 2012 hadn’t allowed to let HyunSeung know what a sound sleep was again. Though it had certainly gotten worse, as his worries had done the same, both in intensity and number.

“What is it this night? Let’s proceed by elimination.” HyunSeung himself to face the immobile Kakaotalk character, Apeach, that was on his sleep table. 

“It can’t be Cube. I will be out of this hell in not even two months, blessed be the lord.” HyunSeung stretched himself, letting out a joyful sigh. If this sole fact could bring him so much comfort, he hoped discovering the reason of his insomnia would knock him out to sleep.

“Beast. It can’t be either. In fact I should go on Youtube and watch them dance to Ribbon, now that’d make me sleep. I had really admitted the possibility of being jealous but what “first comeback as five members”, isn’t this 12:30?” HyunSeung scoffed alone, shifting himself on his back, a ray of the moon that had pierced though a space in his black curtains, directly shining on his torso.

“JunHyung.”

HyunSeung’s smile had immediately faded away at the thought of his ex member. Too much had happened between them for HyunSeung to ever consider him an equal, a friend. Too much for HyunSeung’s ego to not be shaken by JunHyung’s actions. And most definitely when they required him getting close to his girlfriend.

“Why him. Why does it have to be him on Happy Together with Hyuna?!”

HyunSeung angered himself, hitting his hands on his mattress, feeling the temperature  strangely increase in his room. 

“Why is he always, always, always, butting in? How does he always find a way to get stuck with her? It should be me on this show! Trouble Maker coming back, and me on this show with her. I bet he is happy. So, damn happy.” The young man had shifted on the bed again, frustration making drowsiness somewhat leave his body. Was this what they meant about needing to cut all of a monster’s head’s for it to truly die?

“You won’t get a thing from her, Yong JunHyung. Never. She loves me. She loves me. She loves me.” HyunSeung repeated, taking in deep inspirations to calm himself down. 

He hated to admit to himself how badly his former member was able to affect him, but  he somewhat always had. From how much popular he was to his composing skills, recognized by all, even through his dating scandal, to how he had dated Hyuna before him. He used to be envious of JunHyung, deep down, for all of these reasons. But they were still friends at the time. Close friends, so close that some of their fans had suspected an actual relationship between them. 

“Ugh, no!” HyunSeung shivered at the thought of these rumors, vehemently shaking his head. “Why would you even- I’m a man, ok? A real man. Ok, this sounds a bit rude. I just mean there was no chance in hell, there is no chance in hell. Can’t a man like to take care of himself without immediately getting deemed as homoual? Ugh, moving on. It’s not him, right Apeach? Hyuna never played any of his games since they broke up. There is no reason she would now.”

With a deep breath, HyunSeung had rotated to land on his stomach, resting his chin on his crossed hands, pressing his head on the bedhead, as if he was praying. And that would have been quite the thing to do at the moment, but the young man liked his prayers realistic, and asking for Hyuna to appear in front of him at this very moment, had nothing of plausible.

“My career.” 

That was currently at a dead state. However, HyunSeung didn’t feel like this was the reason of his uneasiness. It had been four months since he had withdrawn from Beast, which would easily remain the best thing that would happen to him this year, even if he were to find a new agency after his official leave from Cube. The free time he owned and the amount of stress it had taken away from his shoulders were undeniable, and besides, there had been no way HyunSeung would have yielded to perform a 2.0 version of a past release in terrible outfits. No. He would have rather died. 

Getting signed in a new company seemed compromised so far. His image had cruelly got slandered, and the level of unrecoverable seemed to be higher than his controversies had really deserved it, truthfully. Yes, he had asked for most of it. But how come that no matter how many times some idols would ask for it as well, they would have never gotten the hatred he received?

“Wow, I’m really unlucky, aren’t I Apeach? Such an anti hero.” HyunSeung sneered, feeling all but regretful about anything he had done over the past seven months.

“I don’t need Cube, anyways. No matter how you put this, I won more by getting to withdraw than still being trapped in such hell. Poor BTOB and CLC, though. “ 

It wasn’t in HyunSeung’s habits to care for anyone but himself, for as he has always had enough troubles on his plate. Besides, caring for others never brought good things. But he had found himself taking his two dongsaeng groups in affection, thanks to…

“Hyuna." HyunSeung couldn't left her out off the list of people he was worried.

"She will be ok. I know it. She knows it too, or she would have never renewed her contract with such twisted people. My strong princess." 

The young man his right side again, blankly starring at his dark curtain, as he swallowed dryly.

Busy, busy, and more busy. That is all Hyuna had been, due to the wave of new obligations that now stood before her, after 4Minute had disbanded. Reckon, she deserved it all. Getting a dress renamed before her. Getting to represent Korea at a Festival as the last performer. Getting a solo Asian tour. All these were only a few of the perks of being Hyuna. Yes. Because this was very much a question of being “Hyuna”, HyunSeung was convinced. She was sweet, she was nice, she was hard working and would never think of herself as better than others, which too many Cube artists did, but were quite good at hiding from their fans. However, Cube wasn’t dupe. Or he would have got at GDragon’s promotions level.

“Peachie yah. Today too, I can't sleep, yet the sun has risen already. Why am I like this? Why aren’t you saying anything. Huh? What is the cause of this?” HyunSeung sighed, tapping the tip of his finger atop of the small Kakaotalk figure. But the twist that occurred in the young man’s stomach had made more than clear, what the cause of his insomnia had been.

“I miss her. I miss her to death. That’s why I can’t sleep.”

Now, sleep. No? No. It wasn’t that simple. It had been three years since he had started to miss Hyuna whenever she would be gone for too long, but it had became worse, much more worse as time had went by. And while she had all the qualities to make a man fall deeper with each of her actions, he wasn’t just any man. He was Jang HyunSeung. How could this be happening to him? How could he be turning around in his bed, over and over, until six am, just because he missed someone? 

“What has she done to me, that I can’t even sleep when I don’t have her close to me?” HyunSeung scoffed, in what had been a nervous laugh rather than an amused one.

Truth was, sometimes, he felt scared of how much he loved Hyuna. Of where it could drove him. Of where it had already driven him. Jealousy , fights over mere things, hurt over mere things, possessiveness that could almost make him sick. Or always? Wasn’t it, sickness, to be suffering this way purely out of wanting her to be by his side?  

“Her scent helps me to sleep, it really does. Plus, it’s addictive, seriously. So it’s her scent that I need, I can’t be this demanding.”

Oh, if only he believed a single word he was saying, drifting to sleep now would have been child’s play. But reality was often different than wishes, often more cruel, often less desirable. Thus so painful.

“I also like how her fingers pass through my hair. And she always makes sure to stay awake to do this, even when she’s more exhausted than I am.” HyunSeung imitated the movement, barely getting anything close to the sensation of calm Hyuna managed to give him.

“It’s…kind of cold, no, Apeach? Since it rained yesterday. Her warmth. See, if she was just here…” HyunSeung slipped his hand on the empty spot on his right, caressing it unconsciously. “It’s over twenty degrees and I need warmth. Crazy bastard.” The young man laughed, grabbing his pillow to put it on his face. He was going crazy, without a doubt. Talking to an unanimated figurine, talking alone. Effect of the heat? He wanted a human body’s thirty seven degrees warmth against him. Insane. He had gone insane.

“Do I choke myself out now, or do I call her? Answer me!”

No answer. Defeated, HyunSeung let a long hour more elapse before his eyes had finally started to tingle, his mind becoming nebulous, and his body heavy, digging itself further into the mattress. Did she think of him so eagerly, sometimes? Did she also missed him right now, and had it also prevented her from finding rest? Or was she so tired she had immediately fell asleep? This would satisfy HyunSeung. Because either way...

"I’m in too deep, Apeach. And I don’t want to ever come back to the surface.” HyunSeung had said, as he finally drifted to sleep.