Breathe in

 

Breathe out

 

The weather was rather gray and people in black were seen coming in and out of a building Jessica just arrived at. After controlling her breath, she took heavy steps toward the building.

She stopped in front of a room, with flower wreaths lined up at the entrance, and she removed her shoes before lining them up with other shoes there. After that, she walked to a desk to write her name on a guest book. She then took out an envelope, with Chinese characters written vertically on top of it, from her handbag and inserted that into a box beside the desk.

Jessica walked further inside the room and saw a small alter with a picture of a woman with two black ribbons across the top corners of the frame. She tried to suppress the emotion deep inside from coming out by biting her lower lip and took a deep, deep, breath. Her eyes unintentionally started to water a bit by the memories of the woman in the picture, but she held it all in. She exhaled heavily and took small steps toward the picture. She stood in front of it to give a bow. It's hard to keep the tears from spilling. 

She straightened herself and looked to the right. She saw the head of the family was being consoled by a man, probably a friend. The father figure she always admired was looking so weary and tired, but the effort to put a strong facade can be seen by the little smile he managed to put on the face. Then she looked to his left where a tall girl can be seen talking to a woman older than her. The usual playful gaze and smile that the short-haired girl showed almost every day were not there on her beautiful face. Jessica rarely saw such sad and forced smile from her.

When the older woman left, Jessica walked big steps to the tall young girl and engulfed her in a big, warm embrace. The tears she had held so hard before eventually flowed out freely as she got tightly hugged back. The two hugging figures cried hard to each other without words for quite a long time.

 

---

 

"Jessica, thank you so much for helping us."

The sound of people talking about happy memories and laughing to each other were heard in the background. They served as a bright companion to the deceased in contrast to the sombre feelings they all felt.

"No problem, Dad. It's only right for me to do this for Mom. I owe her a lot and I'm sorry I only come now on the second day."

After she came out from the "mourning room" earlier, Jessica decided to stay behind and help the family to serve the guests some food and do some cleaning.

"She would appreciate it so much, no matter what day it is. We know you're busy. I'm sorry to trouble you."

Jessica just smiled and shook her head indicating it's alright. 

"It seems like I have to trouble you more, if you don't mind. I have a favor to ask."

 

---

 

"Come eat with me."

It was already night and the guests were not as much as the amount of the ones in the day. The grieving family can take a moment to rest and relax.

"I don't have the appetite."

Jessica sighed by the small voice and took the hand of the taller girl.

"Eat even just a bite. You need strength for the burial tomorrow."

She dragged the latter to the dining hall. Then they took their seats across from each other with a table between them and food already prepared on top.

"I don't think I've ever seen you looking so gloomy in front of a food before, Sooyoung."

That made the person in front of her smiled a sincere smile for the first time in the last two days.

 

---

 

"After all of the process is over, do you want me to accompany you?" 

Jessica and Sooyoung just finished their meal and stayed for a bit to catch up about each other.

"What do you mean?"

Sooyoung tilted her head and furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. 

"Dad felt maybe you would need another presence aside from him in the house to cheer you up and have a... sleepover? Maybe to tuck you to sleep and sing you lullaby?"

They both laughed at it.

"Nah, he needs it just as much as I do and you would be the perfect person back at home. That is, if you're not busy."

"So, do you really need me?"

"I guess... deep down. Even though I know I shouldn't for what I've done to you."

"You guess?"

"I may come out as a heartless person... I also don't want to bother you. I'm still feeling guilty and apologetic to you."

"But do you really, really, need me or not?"

Sooyoung chuckled. 

"Okay, I admit, I need you."

"Then, that's all that matters for me."

 

---

 

 "The two of you can wash up and do your thing while I'm going to cook dinner for us."

The funeral process went smoothly for three days. The Choi family now can rest and went back home after staying for the whole three days at the Jang Ryae Shik Jang¹.

"Thank you, Jessica. Then, I'm going first." 

"Don't mention it. It's the least I can do, Dad."

The man smiled warmly at Jessica and headed upstairs to his room.

"Do you need some help?"

"It's okay just go to your room."

"We can trust you to cook, right?"

Sooyoung narrowed her eyes.

"You know how much I've improved throughout the years, Soo!"

Sooyoung cackled and Jessica hit her on the shoulder while pushing her toward the stairs.  

 

---

 

"Where do you wanna sleep, Jessica?"

The trio just finished their dinner and were in the living room to chat. The TV was on, but no one really paid attention to it.

"What do you say?"

Jessica turned her head to the younger Choi.

"I hope you wanna be in my room."

Jessica turned her head to the older Choi and answered the first question. 

"Then, I'm not gonna be in the guest room, Dad."

The man chuckled a little. 

"There's no funny business, alright?"

He winked at the ladies in the room.

 

"DAD!"

 

---

 

"Thank you, Sica."

Jessica just got out of the bathroom in Sooyoung's room and saw the room's owner was sitting on the edge of her bed facing her as the bathroom's door opened.

"Hey, it's fine. You don't need to say thank you every time."

She smiled and approached closer to the bed.

"No, really... After what I did--"

"Let's put that aside for awhiIe. I did say we're still friends. Let's just relax and sleep right now."

Jessica got to the left side of the bed and lie down under the blanket. Sooyoung's eyes followed her movement the entire time.

"Lie down."

Sooyoung said nothing and got under the same blanket as well. She faced to the left to face the older girl who already lied on her right side, facing her as well.

"I'm selfish," 

They just stared at each other.

"But I really need you."

Sooyoung's left hand reached for Jessica's right hand and intertwined their fingers tightly.

"I'm sorry... and thank you."

Jessica just shifted closer to the girl before her and wrapped her left arm to the girl's shoulder. She felt an arm on her waist hugging her back. Then they shifted closer to each other. Legs tangled, just like the old days.

She kissed Sooyoung's forehead a 'good night' and tucked her under her chin. They sighed contently and closed their eyes.

 

Before she was completely lost in the sleeping world, she heard a sniffle and a 'thank you'.

 

---

 

6 months ago

 

"Sica, let's break up."

Sooyoung and Jessica were outside the former's car, in front of the Jungs' house, after a long day for their date.

"What do you mean?"

The shorter girl was puzzled by the words. They were doing just fine all this time. The date also went well. She did notice something was amiss from the other girl's expression for the whole day, but she didn't think much of it. What had happened? 

"Are you serious?" 

Sooyoung sighed at the question. 

"I-- I don't think I can continue this."

Jessica tried to be calm. She looked away for a second.

"But why? Did I do something wrong? Did I upset you?" 

"No, you didn't. I just-- you're going away and I just don't want to bother you."

Jessica was baffled and frantic.

"It's just for three months! And you know you're never a bother to me. We can keep in contact, we know it. We've done that before. It was okay."

Sooyoung bit her lower lip.

"No-- it's--"

Sooyoung closed her eyes and sighed frustratedly. Her arms were grabbed by the girl in front of her.

"What's wrong, Soo? Are you having a problem? I can help, you know? We can-- we can do this calmly and discuss about whatever it is--"

"No!"

Jessica was hurt, tears were starting to show up. She let go of the arms and took a step back. She couldn't fathom the situation. 

"Do you even have a legit reason why we should break up?"

She asked with a shaky, trembled voice. Sooyoung was silent and biting her lip harder. She was hurt too, Jessica could see it. So, why?

"I just can't continue this at the moment. While you're going to be away from me, it's just the right timing to do this. I'm really sorry. I really am."

Sooyoung looked down.

"Will you let me to change your mind? Will you let me to fight for us?"

A shake of a head was the answer.

"Wait, I'm-- I really can't think straight right now, I just--"

Jessica grabbed her hair in frustration, trying to find the right words.

"You look like you don't really want this, but at the same time you do. I really want to help you, but-- but if you won't let me, I don't know--"

She paused to breathe calmly.

"And I have to go tomorrow, but I can't just leave like this."

Sooyoung finally looked up.

"Just go. You have to go. It's your big project. You've worked really hard for this."

They stared at each other in silence. Is it this? Is it the reason? Jessica thought, but she didn't voice it out. She could see the determination in the taller girl's eyes. There was something else behind this. Jessica could sense that.

"Okay..."

Jessica sighed in defeat. She knew she could never force the younger girl, and the latter knew it too. Whatever it was troubling her, she could only pray it would go well.

"I just... wanna ask one last thing."

"What is it?"

"Do you still love me?"

She only got a smile to that. And a 'goodbye'. And a back going further from her.

"We can at least still be friends!"

And the sound of the car's engine getting more faint as it went further away from her.

 

 

---

 

¹ A Korean funeral building in the city. A funeral usually takes three days right after the death, with the two days of mourning and the last day of burial/cremation. If you wanna read more about it, I got the reference from here:

https://thetravelingkimchi.com/2015/08/31/are-you-going-to-a-korean-funeral/

 a/n:

So, that was the first part (yes, it's not the end yet!). I hope you enjoy it and look forward for part 2.

Thank you :)