Here I am again.

Back at the same place we were 10 years ago.

Time passes us by so fast;

It feels like it was just yesterday when I was still in your arms.

 

I look down at what I dug up.

Memories.

Painful memories, happy memories.

 

Its autumn; the season I met you.

Leaves are falling from the tree above me like confetti.

I watch the colors and feel the breeze.

The breeze in which you’re calling my name,

The breeze in which you’re caressing my cheeks,

The wind that carried you away from me.

 

I opened the box slowly; carefully.

Afraid that I might break it,

Just like how I broke you.

 

I reached inside the box,

Knowing exactly what I’ll find.

My fingers caress the papers for a second before pulling them out.

 

They were yellowed;

Stained with age.

Stained with hurt and regret.

 

I lowered my eyes and took in your handwriting on the paper.

I miss it.

I miss seeing it everywhere.

On post it notes in our apartment saying that you loved me,

On love letters you would write to me even though I saw you every day,

On shopping lists stuck on the refrigerator door in our apartment,

On my arms.

I miss when you would write love on my arms,

And leave marks on my neck as well.

 

Mark me again.

I want you to mark me again,

Because I am yours.

Why did I not see that earlier?

 

My eyes focus back on the paper I hold in my hand.

The familiar melody sounds in my head,

Like it has been doing this past 10 years.

I have never once forgotten the tune or the lyrics.

 

How could I ever forget?

It’s your song;

It’s our song.

 

You’re beautiful,

Do you know that?

I’m sorry I haven’t told you that before.

I’ll tell you a hundred times now if I have the chance.

 

I gently set the paper back in the box again,

Where it belongs.

I lie down on the ground and close my eyes.

 

Ten years.

Ten whole years since you left.

 

September 23^rd.

For the past ten years,

This is the only date on the calendar I can’t face.

 

September 23^rd, thirteen years earlier,

Was the day I met you.

 

September 23^rd, ten years ealier,

Was the day you left me.

The day I threw 'us' away.

 

September 23^rd.

Today, it’s September 23^rd again.

 

I’m back here,

After 10 years,

Looking for you.

Hoping you will forgive me because I cannot forgive myself.

 

Why was I so stupid?

Why was I so stupid ten years ago?

Why was I so stupid to not see how much you meant to me?

 

Why did I kiss him?

Why did I let him mark me?

Mark me as if I am his.

When I am in fact,

All yours.

 

I cannot take it back;

I cannot erase my past;

I cannot ignore what I have done.

 

I cannot forgive myself,

When I saw the look in your eyes after you knew.

 

Ten years is a very long time.

A very long time without you.

 

I thought of giving up,

Just ending all the pain I feel.

 

One cut.

That’s all that’s needed, right?

 

I was wrong.

It takes courage,

It takes me giving up on us.

 

I haven’t.

I haven’t given up on us.

 

I know I was wrong,

Very wrong,

But I can’t live without you.

 

Where are you?

Jonghyun, where are you?

 

I need you.

I simply need you.

I know I don’t deserve you,

Not after what I have done,

But I can’t help but be selfish.

 

“Jonghyun.”

I whisper.

I feel my cheeks getting wet from my tears,

But I am not surprised.

 

I have been crying for the last ten years,

Inwardly and outwardly.

I cannot help it.

 

“JONGHYUN!”

I scream this time.

I scream your name, hoping you would come.

 

But I know that you won’t,

Not after what I’ve done to you.

 

I hope you’re happy,

I really hope you are.

Even if you’re with someone else,

I just hope that you’re happy.

 

Even if I’m not.

 

“Key.”

I hear your voice saying my name.

Am I being delusional?

 

I sit up and look around.

Where are you?

Are you really here?

 

“Key.”

I hear again,

Louder this time.

 

I stand up and brush off my pants.

“Jonghyun..?”

I whisper.

If this is a dream,

If this is my imagination,

Then it is a beautiful fiction.

 

I feel arms wrap around my body.

I gasp in surprise.

I don’t have to turn around to know.

 

You’re here.

 

You’re finally here.

Did it take you ten years?

 

It’s worth it,

It’s worth the wait.

You’re worth it.

You’re worth the wait.

 

“Kibum.”

You say as you nuzzle into my neck.

 

I missed this.

I missed this so much.

 

I cry again;

This time tears of happiness.

 

My sense of longing has been fulfilled.

It feels so amazing,

Especially because it’s you that’s holding me right now.

 

“Are you sure?”

I ask.

Are you sure you forgive me?

Are you sure you don’t hate me?

Are you sure we can do this?

 

You spin me around,

And for a moment I am spiraling out of control.

But you’re there,

Making sure I don’t fall.

I feel safe.

 

You kiss me so passionately.

I feel you,

I feel you.

 

I know.

I know that it hasn’t been easy for you these past ten years either.

I know that I don’t deserve this.

 

I’m selfish,

I’m stupid,

I’ve made mistakes.

 

But I love you,

And you love me.

What else is there to this?

You and I,

The best formula,

The perfect fit.

 

Your lips on mine,

The best feeling,

I’m swept off my feet.

 

You’re here and so am I,

The wait was long but we can have a new beginning.

 

Everything’s going to be alright.

I’m in your arms now.

I’m home.