of sungjong's thumping heartbeats (and myungsoo's little secret)

myungsoo thinks he's gotten used to sungjong's severe mood swing by now, after a little over a year of being band mates (and a little over two months of being something more).

but now, now he isn't so sure anymore.

something just feels out of place because even though it's crystal clear that sungjong's mood has dropped a significant level, the boy hasn't come to him to whine and wail about whatever (or whoever) makes him upset like he always does, hasn't come to ask for a pat on the back or a hug that sungjong says never fails to comfort him.

by the look of things, myungsoo is beyond positive he himself is the source of sungjong's distress this time, and this is where he's left bewildered; he honestly has no idea what he did wrong.

everything was fine between them when he left early in the morning for a personal schedule; sungjong was all smiles even though he was still half asleep, and let out a fit of giggles when myungsoo pecked his cheek lightly and whispered a soft i'll see you later.

and he still seemed okay when myungsoo finally got home late in the afternoon; his high-pitched voice was the first thing that greeted myungsoo the moment he opened the dorm's front door, shouting this guy is just so stupid! and how could he not know what his heart wants! and something along those lines with his finger pointing at their tv screen, and myungsoo just had to pity dongwoo whose plead to be left alone to finish watching the drama was drowned  completely by magnae's loud remarks.

it was only when myungsoo chuckled (intentionally a little bit louder than usual) that sungjong's ramblings finally stopped (the last being ha! deserves him right!) and he literally jumped off the couch and followed myungsoo to the kitchen.

"what was that about?" myungsoo asked while pouring water to his glass. sungjong just shrugged.

"just some stupid drama about some stupid guy who can't even tell his own feeling. so ridiculous i wonder why anyone bothers to watch it at all," he snorted. but then a shadow fell on his face, as if a thought had just crossed his mind and that, as far as myungsoo can recall, was when he started to act a bit weird.

he didn't question it when sungjong moved to stand closer to him and said i missed you quietly. he didn't say anything when the younger suddenly hugged him; it's something they have both agreed to be kept out of public's eyes (or even their hyungs' curious ones), but myungsoo knew dongwoo was far too occupied with the drama to even notice what's going on in the kitchen (and maybe he just missed sungjong a bit too much to even care at all).

so he hugged back, arms wrapped tightly around the tiny waist to bring the other even closer, and he could feel sungjong smiling against his shoulder, could feel his hand clutching the front of his shirt right around where his heart is, before the other abruptly pulled away from the embrace, leaving him stumbling backwards from the sudden move.

"jong-ah, what--", he started, but was cut off by the clanking sound from the front door and woohyun's cheerful we're home greeting. sungjong smiled, but he was not looking at myungsoo when he muttered hyungs are back before walking out of the kitchen.

myungsoo was left alone, and has spent a couple hours since then trying to figure out why.

he tilts his head up, once again resting his gaze on sungjong, who's seated in front of him on the other side of the dining table and seems to be listening to whatever howon's telling him, absently nodding his head every now and then.

myungsoo sighs. he knows sungjong knows that he's been staring, that he's wanted him to look back (and just smile and let him know that everything's okay, that they're okay, that he's just being silly for thinking too much).

but he also knows that sungjong can be so stubborn sometimes, and stubborn he is now in ignoring myungsoo's blatant gaze and pretending not to know.

he heaves another sigh and gives up trying.

---

sungjong thinks he's gotten over it; thinks he already got rid of his own insecurity of how, perhaps, the feeling still remains one-sided even after all those moments spent together.

but now, now he doesn't even know anymore.

he's always been understanding about myungsoo's issue with words. he has once told himself to stop expecting and to just take what he can get. so what's letf unsaid, he's been trying to find it in the depth of myungsoo's eyes, been trying to see it in the warmth of his smiles and feel it in the featherlight touch of his fingertips.

sungjong thinks it's there. subtle and a tiny bit beneath the surface at times, but it's there. or at least that's what he loves to believe, because he just can never be so sure when it comes to myungsoo (and this is probably why he likes repeating the words, as if to remind myungsoo again and again, as if doing so will stop the other from slipping away from him).

he sighs and leans back against the cool surface of the mirror wall. raising one hand to his chest, sungjong smiles as he feels his heart beating so loud against his ribcage.

"i like you a lot, kim myungsoo. perhaps so much more than i ever let on. you just have no idea, do you?" he pouts.

"actually, i do," says a very familiar voice, and sungjong's heart almost jumps out of his throat. he whips his head around and finds myungsoo in the practice room's doorway, with his arms crossed in front of his torso an amused look on his face.

"hyung! you scared me," sungjong hisses, suddenly feels his irritation towards the older grow tenfold. he's still pouting when myungsoo finally plops down beside him, and doesn't bother to look at him when myungsoo takes his hand in  his.

"you scared me too, so i'd say we're even," myungsoo says, his thumb starts rubbing circles on the back of sungjong's hand (it's a habit myungsoo picked up around a week after they got together, sungjong noticed. he always does just that whenever they're together, and sungjong loves it).

"when did i ever scare you?"

"how do you think i'd feel when i found your bed empty at two thirty in the morning and i couldn't find you anywhere in the dorm?" myungsoo asks back, and sungjong finally lifts his gaze from the wooden floor to find the other's, and all too soon regrets it because it only makes the pounding of his heart faster, so much that it hurts.

and when he thinks it has reached its maximum acceleration, myungsoo just has to lean in and press their lips together in a chaste kiss that is so typically his. "never do this to me again, 'kay?" he whispers, and sungjong can barely feel his heart now; must have exploded, his hazy mind tells him.

"this is just so unfair. you're so unfair, hyung," sungjong mutters minutes later, when his heartbeat has slowed down a tiny bit and he's gathered his coherent thoughts again. the gentle of myungsoo's thumb stops.

"what is?"

"your heart. and how it stays still even when i'm being so close to you. it's like, it's as if..., " sungjong pauses for a moment and myungsoo raises a brow, urging him to continue. "as if i don't matter to you."

silence, and then, "so this is why you've been acting weird." sungjong just shrugs.

"sungjong-ah, close your eyes," myungsoo says. sungjong looks at him incredulously. "just do it. close your eyes. quick," he repeats.

throwing one last suspicious glance, sungjong finally obliges and closes his eyes, preparing himself for what's to come (another kiss will probably kill him, he thinks, but he's gonna die happy).

a flick on his forehead, and sungjong yelps in pain.

"ya! what's that for?!" he hisses, his palm rubbing the reddening patch of skin where myungsoo's fingers hit earlier.

"you're doubting me," myungsoo says quietly, and something in his voice speaks more than just the mere words.

sungjong drops his gaze to avoid myungsoo's accusing stare. "no," he corrects, shaking his head lightly. "i'm doubting myself."

"you're doubting yourself even though you're the one that can make my heart stay still?" myungsoo scoffs.

"you said it like it's a good thing."

"why can't it be a good thing?"

"because one's heart ought to beat faster and race a hundred miles per hour and just do all the silly somersaults when one is with their beloved," sungjong throws his hands up in frustration. "people say that's how things should be and i know it's true because i definitely can attest to that."

"what if i beg to differ, then?" myungsoo chuckles, but his eyes are serious. "what if i told you that my heart goes crazy whenever i feel even the slightest bit anxious? that it's been kind of acting retarted since the day i joined the company because of the ever present pressure? that it started to change only since you came into the picture? that, honestly, truthfully, it only ever calms down whenever you're near me?"

the last sentence is practically breathed into his mouth as myungsoo has once again leaned for another kiss, and sungjong really feels like dying, in the best way possible.

"sometimes you really speak too much, hyung," he grins against the crook of myungsoo's shoulder as he clings himself to the older. "i still love you, though."

myungsoo laughs. "i know. now, can we go home before woohyun hyung wakes up and finds two empty beds? he's gonna have a heart attack."

sungjong agrees to go home, but only after he makes myungsoo let him listen to his steady heartbeats for a good thirty minutes.

(you're being silly, myungsoo says but fondly plays with sungjong's hair anyway. no, sungjong retorts happily, i'm simply appreciating my piece of work. myungsoo laughs again)

---