Sehun

Idiot! I shoud've come sooner! I buried my face in my palms, waiting for her to wake up.

"You better leave now!" Baekhyun's words dripped with venom.

Of course! He almost lost his only sister because of me. Yes, this was all because of me.

I looked up from my hands and saw his eyes were bloodshot red. "I'm not leaving," I retorted.

I saw him clenching his fists and taking quick steps toward me. "You basta-"

"Baek!" Jin stopped him with an arm and glared at his friend. "You've beaten him up enough! Don't cause any more scene!" He then glanced at me. "Both of you."

Baekhyun shoved away Jin's hand and retreated to her bedside. "You're lucky we're in a hospital," he sneered at me.

My eyes lingered on the corner of his bruised lips before it travelled to the girl on the bed. I couldn't blame him for hating me. I hurt his sister. I hurt her enough for her to hurt--try to kill herself.

Why did she do that? Why try to kill herself? Didn't she know that I couldn't bear to lose her? Why not just lash out at me and punch me or something? Why did she have to hurt herself? Why?!

I felt my blood boiling just at the thoughts, and I wasn't even sure whom I was mad at more. Her or myself for letting this happened?

I finally got the answer to my questions when she woke up. She wanted to prove herself worthy of being my girlfriend. She wanted to be perfect like Wendy. She even cursed herself. And that was when I realized that no matter how many times I told her to just stop feeling insecure, that she was perfect to me, or that I am hers, she would never get it. The wall of insecurity she built around herself was to high and mighty that my words would never be able to penetrate it. I need her to know- no, to see- that she is not worthless. And she needed to do that herself. 

I knew she just wanted me to be there for her always like before. But I couldn't. Not yet. And right then I knew she would not stop hurting herself if she were still with me.

So I made the most painful decision. Painful not just to her but to myself. I broke her heart and our relationship. My heart was shattering when I lied and insulted her. It was shattered to smaller pieces when a single drop of tear silently rolled down her cheek.

My jaws tensed. Damn it! Why is she not lashing out? Why isn't she hitting me already? I turned my back around to hide the tears threatening to escape my eyes because seeing her silently cry hurt me more than punches she could've have thrown at me might. I thought I lost my heart when I wishepered a good bye with trembling voice. You are heartless indeed, Oh Sehun!

I felt like the biggest jerk when I walked away from her. But if that was what it takes to make her understand that she should place her worth in herself and not in me, then I was willing to be the douche for her.

"You look horrible," Jin deadpanned expressionlessly as he took a seat in front of me at the quiet corner of a café.

I pulled down my cap to hide my face more when I saw two girls eyeing us a few tables away. "I'm living a life of hell." It had been months since the break up, and it still felt like hell.

I saw him crossing his arms and his jaws tensed before he opened his mouth to speak. "Come back to her then."

"I can't." I lowered my head. "I shouldn't. She's better off without me."

Jin sighed but he didn't say anything. Silence ensued and I could feel his eyes on me. Even though he looked calm, I knew he was boiling with rage inside. He's her best friend after all.

"H-how's she doing?" I finally asked.

"She never said it, but I know she's missing you."

This time, I sighed and ran a hand on my face. "Hyung, that's not what I'm asking."

"She's healthy. And happy. Thriving actually. She's been sharing motivational messages on that website you told me to recommend her. Been starting a blog too, I heard. She's starting to accept the gifts Mr. Pink--you-- sent." He crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. "Is that what you wanna hear?"

I ignored his question and took out several brochures from the inside pocket of my jacket. I handed them to Jin right away.

"What are these?"

"University brochures." I took a sip of my coffee.

"For?" He started reading one of the brochures.

"Her of course. Those are top universities here that offer study program in writing. I--" I cleared my thoat. "Mr. Pink- had been suggesting her to start going to college. She has a talent in writing."

Jin placed down the brochures on the table and leaned back on his seat, closing his eyes with a sigh. "Why don't you just show yourself to her instead of hiding behind a mysterious username to converse with her?"

"I can't."

His eyes shot open and he narrowed his eyes at me. "Because of that girl again? That new girlfriend of yours?"

I gritted my teeth and leaned forward. "That girl is my childhood friend. Not my girlfriend."

He leaned forward too. "That's not what other people know."

"I've told you what actually happened," I snapped at him and he pursed his lips before slowly leaning back on his seat.

I've told him what actually happened. Wendy and I were not dating despite the news of us confirming it to the pubic. We didn't want people to see us as a couple, but it was the agency's way of getting rid of the rumor of us because I kissed her. Wendy wanted to just tell the media that we had broken up, but I told her not to. She's not safe yet.

Wendy had been stalked by a crazy guy for months now. She had been receiving threats from the same guy too. She was almost kidnapped if it weren't for me who was passing by her apartment that night I was supposed to go back to the dorm directly. Yes, the same night of my anniversary. None of us got a good look of the guy before he ran away, and there was no return address on the 'gifts' he sent to her. The agency had reported this to the police, but until now, every attempt to catch the guy didn't bring any fruit. 

I had to kiss her that one day because Wendy told me she saw a guy in all black at the corner of the alley. I saw him too. I was going to chase him, but Wendy caught my hand. She stared at me and shook her head. I understood what she was trying to say. He's dangerous and he would run away again before I could even reach him. The guy had been holding himself back because he thought I was her boyfriend. That was why I kissed her. To make him believe his own suspicion. To deceive him. But my heart was the one stab with guilt instead. And I stabbed the heart of the girl I had ever really loved at the same time.

The guy never showed up again, but I knew Wendy's not safe yet. Not until the guy is caught. Which he had not been up until now. And I couldn't just abandon her. She's already like a sister to me.

"You care for her more than the girl who gave her whole heart to you?" Jin crossed his arms and I do not miss the tone of disdain in his question, but I wasn't up for any more arguments. He probably could see that in my expression, so he sighed again and picked up the forgotten brochures, flipping through some. "Fine! I'll give these to her." He set his eyes on mine. "You know, she would think Mr. Pink is me. Heck! I know she is already starting to think so. I can tell she's trying to bait me into admitting I'm Mr. Pink. Geez! Why do you have to call yourself Mr. Pink, Sehun? She knows I like that color."

I just lowered my head and pursed my lips. "That's good then."

"What?!"

I briefly closed my eyes and swallowed the lump in my throat. "I know you like her too, Hyung." I lightly scoffed to the side. "You might even love her, for all I know!"

He didn't say anything and looked away. I was right!  He does love her.

I balled my hands into fists, trying to hold the urge to punch him because I knew he deserved her more than I do. "Please give them to her." I nodded at the brochures, then took a deep breath and looked at him in the eyes "And please take care of her, Hyung."

His lips parted and his eyes rounded in surprise. I stood up and wore the mask to hide half of my face before turning my back on him.

"If you don't show yourself to her," Jin suddenly spoke up and I came to a halt but didn't turn around, "you know I'm not going to hold back my feelings for her, right?"

It felt like my heart just consumed shots of vodka, because I felt like it was burned in hell. I kept on telling myself that she deserved to be loved properly. She deserved to be happy. Even if it meant with someone else other than me. "I know," I replied and walked straight ahead.

The curtains were drawn plunging the whole room into darkness. I didn't even bother to switch on the light. The TV were the only source of light in the room, casting light and shadows on my face as I downed another can of beer.

["The top idol star slash actor Oh Sehun had been rumored to have turned into a violent drunkard."]

I scoffed at myself hearing the entertainment news.

["He was recently reported to be involved in a fight at a local nightclub. Witnesses testified that he attacked a man who was trying to stop him from drinking too much. Netizens assumed that he was behaving like this due to his plummeting career following the breakup from Wendy a few months ago. Some of his loyal fans are still supporting him and urging him to move forward while more expressed their disappointment in the idol. Will his carreer-"]

I turned off the TV, getting tired of hearing the same news about me for days. The room became darker. Just like my life.

My 'breakup' with Wendy did this? I scoffed. Hell no!

My life turned dark ever since I saw the only girl I loved almost killing herself because of me. And that was what? More than a year ago? Ha! And I still couldn't forget about her even though I knew she's now happy without me. And with Jin.

When Wendy's stalker was finally caught, we released the news that we had broken up. Though of course, there was never really anything between us. I weighed on whether to comeback to her. To the one I'd given my heart. To the one I'd hurt numerous times. When I chose to not be a coward anymore and to take risk, I learn that I was too late.

She was finally taking up college. I visited her campus at times when my schedule allowed me to. I would usually watch her from afar. It brought a smile to my face when I saw her making friends by herself. She was finally coming out of her shell.

It was one of those days when I saw her walking alone around the campus' area with a small smile on her face that I decided to show myself to her. To beg for her forgiveness and to ask her to accept me into her life again. But all determination I mustered crumbled down when I saw Jin walking up to her. She looked surprised at first, but then she broke into a grin and her eyes sparkled just like they used to when looking at me years ago. Only now, those sparkling eyes weren't for me but for Jin as he patted her head, snaking his arm around her waist afterwards.

"You know I'm not going to hold back my feelings for her, right?"

I clearly remembered his words. I gave her up that day.

I lost.

I had lost her.

Stupid!

It felt like an invisible hand was clenching my heart so hard, I almost felt numb. For days I forgot how to breathe without feeling pain in my chest.

I hate this pain! I hit my chest repeatedly. Was this what she felt?No. She'd been through worse. I felt like dying.

It hurt to know she was doing well without me. But when I remembered the smile decorating her face, the sparks in her eyes, and the change she had gone through, I strangely felt content.

It was worth it. I told myself that.

My pain and my downfall were worth it. As long as she was happy, every broken pieces of my heart was worth it.

"Hun! Sehun!"

I mentally groaned at the continuous sound of knocks on my door.

"Sehun...." I could hear the desperation in Wendy's voice as her knock on the door weakened. "Sehun, please open the door." She sobbed and finally stopped knocking. But I knew she was still there because I could still hear her sobs.

I didn't budge from my position on the floor. I leaned back on the kitchen island, staring at the shards of the glass I just threw against the wall.

"Please, come out. Everyone's looking for you."

Everyone but her. I scoffed.

"I'm sorry. This is all because of me." Wendy weeped. "I shouldn't have asked for your help back then. I'm sorry. But please don't go down that road. Don't give up, Sehun!"

I just gulped and closed my eyes. The thought of taking a knife to end the pain was very tempting. Maybe this was how she felt.

Ha! The irony!

I thought that I could bear the pain of not having her by my side. I was wrong. It was too painful to know she was not mine anymore. Now that I didn't have her anymore, I couldn't find the will to pursue my career. She used to be my drive. She used to be the fuel that kept me going on. I took her for granted nonetheless.

That was why I let my career took a plunge. I didn't even care anymore.

After some time, I heard Wendy said a good bye. She told me she would come back again and again until I opened the door.
 

Damn it! I should've known. Wendy was true to her words. She kept on coming day after day, knocking on my door until she had to left for her schedule again. I was starting to get annoyed, honestly.

After a week of constantly knocking on my door, I finally open it agitatedly. But instead of Wendy, I was met by the sight of Jin instead.

"Cut the crap out and stop being such a baby!" was his greeting.

I figured Wendy must've seeked for his help. 

I just blankly stared at the guy who had managed to stole the heart of the girl who was supposed to be mine. "Leave me alone, hyung!" I closed the door, but he managed to stopped it with his hand.

"And what? Let the girl I love be hurt with worries?" He shot back.

Wait, what? What is he talking about? I'm staying out of her life so that she won't be hurt anymore.

"She always says she's okay," Jin offered to answer the question in my head, "but I know she's lying. I can see that she's always worried about you every time the stupid news about you comes up on TV!" His eyes were burning holes in mine.

My eyes widened by a fraction at what he just revealed.

"Why?!" Jin shoved open the door and grabbed the collar of my shirt. "Why can't you just goddamn leave her alone?! Why do you have to cause trouble and make her worry?! Why do you never seem to leave her mind?!" He shook me several times, but I was too startled to react or shove him away. "Why don't you even try to take her back?! Fight me, you coward! Fight me if you still want her!"

He pushed me and I almost stumbled back.

"Fight me! Fight for her!" He glared at me.

I could finally feel his rage transfering to myself, so I pushed him too. My blood was boiling. "And what?! Watch her choose you and left me before my eyes?!"

"Fight first at least! Whether you lose or win, you can decide later whether the fight was worth it!"

"She's happier with you!" I quickly retorted without missing a beat.

Jin gritted his teeth but said nothing. He only shot me a more vicious glare. I gave him the same. And after what felt like a long glaring battle, he broke our glares and turned around walking out of my apartment.

He stopped after a few steps with his back still me. His head hung low. I heard him sigh before he spoke calmer this time, "Just so you know, she's in love with your Mr. Pink. She fell in love with the man she thought I am." He lifted his head up. "But we both know I am not Mr. Pink." With that he walked away, leaving me in a jumble of confusion.
 

I thought Jin wouldn't come back again, but I heard another knock on the door two days after. I decided to ignore it.

Whatever he told me must be lies! He might have thought she fell for the Mr. Pink I created, but no. I know it was him she loved. That sparkles in her eyes when she looked at him wouldn't lie! So I didn't want to hear anymore lies from him.

But to my annoyance, he didn't leave. He kept on knocking on my door. I seriously couldn't understand this guy! Maybe I should open the door and punch some senses to him.

"I TOLD YOU, LEAVE ME ALO-"

I blinked once. I blinked twice.

This is just a hallicination I need to slap myself to-

A hand flew across my face before I could even slap myself.

Even with the stinging pain on my cheek, I still couldn't believe she was right in front of me. SHE was here.

Before I could recover from the slap, she was aready pushing me. "You freaking, freaking douche!" She then hit my chest repeatedly and I winced. "JERK! BASTARD! COWARD! I HATE YOU!"

She continued to curse and hit me and I didn't even dodge her punches. I knew I deserved it. Seeing her cry as she hit me wrecked my already torn heart, and I cried with her.

Why did she keep on crying for what I did? I had set her free but why did she come back?

She started to punch my chest weakly. "Do you know how much you hurt me?" She hit me again, trying to look into my eyes while I looked away. "Do you know how much you worry me?" I gulped as another tear escaped my eye. "Why did you do that, huh? Why did you keep let me be with Jin? Why didn't you fight for me? Am I not worth it to be fought for, huh? Huh?!"

I grabbed her wrists to stop her and finally gathered up the strength to look into those irises I missed. "No! I want you to be happy! You worth far more than that! You deserve better than to be with me!"

She silently stared at me for a moment piercing me with her eyes before she pushed me, trying to free her wrists. "Then fight for me, you coward!" Her arm wriggled in my hands but I tightened my hold.

"You'll be happier without me!"

"Then why did you come back into my life as Mr. Pink?! Why didn't you just leave completely out of my life?"

My eyes were rounded. I was taken aback by what she just said.

"What? You're surprised I know you're Mr. Pink? Jin told me the truth and he broke up with me," her voice cracked as she continued, "and Wendy told me everything!" She sobbed. "Why didn't you just tell me the truth back then?! Huh?! Why? Why? WHY?!" She shrieked and started hitting me again while trying to free her wrists. "You're such a jerk! Coward! Jerk! Basta-"

"I LOVE YOU!" I finally shouted back and she stopped wriggling free. Her widened tear-filled eyes looked at me like I had just said a magic word. "I love you! Okay?! I loved you and I still do! I love you so much it hurt me when I saw you hurt yourself! I love you so much I wanted you to know your worth. I wanted you to stop putting you're worth in me! Because you worth so much more than that!

"I love you so much I felt like dying when you looked at Jin the way you used to at me! It hurt like hell! And it still does! But I know you deserve that happiness! You deserve someone much better than I am! I don't deserve you!" My voice croaked at then, and it felt like I just choked on my own breath as I couldn't control the damn tears from coming out.

I took a deep breath and now spoke gently, "It had been long since the last time I saw you smile. So when you finally could smile again, I realize that it doesn't matter if it hurts for me. As long as you're happy- even with someone else- my pain would be worth it." I let one of her wrists go letting it fall to my chest as I brought my hand to craddle the side of her head. "You're too precious in my eyes." I wiped a tear that just escaped her eye with my thumb. "You're that worth it."

She stared at me and gulped. Her moist eyes looked into mine as if searching for any lies. But I wasn't lying! And I let her see that in my eyes.

I didn't really know what went through her mind. One second she was staring at me hard, but the next second her free hand moved to my neck, pulling me in for a kiss as she tiptoed.

I wanted to pull away, but when my lips registered the taste of her lips, I couldn't. My hand that was still on her wrist slowly unclasped it and when to her back pulling her closer. I deepened the kiss, trying to let her feel my desperate longing for her.

I missed this. I missed her lips. I missed kissing her. I missed hugging her. I missed her.

I told myself that I would let her go later. But right at this moment, I just wanted to savor this.

My judgement might be clouded, but I felt her desperately returning the kiss too as her hand grabbed on my shirt, pulling on it as if she wanted more. I realized then that if I didn't pull away now, I could never let her go. I knew she would be happier without me but I couldn't pull away.

I needed her more than I thought. She's a drug, and I'm addicted to her.

I really didn't want the kiss to end, but being humans, we both needed air. A part of my heart cracked again when she pulled away. I kept my eyes close, fearing that it would be harder for me to let her go if I looked into her eyes.

I have to let her go. She's happier without me. I kept on telling myself.

For a few seconds we didn't spoke a word and just felt each other's breath on our lips as we panted. I waited for her to completely pull away and speak, but she didn't.

I slowly opened my eyes and--Damn it! What a wrong move it was. My heartbeat was all over the place when I found her already staring back at me.

Her eyes were gleaming with tears again, but her lips oddly curled into a small smile as her hands moved to cup my cheeks. And when she spoke, it was as if she could read my mind. "Stupid jerk!" She gave a quick peck on my lips. "You are my happiness. Don't let me go again!"

I decided I won't ever again and hoped that this selfish decision of mine would be worth it.

- END -

Sorry it took me too long to post this last part. I wasn't feeling so well the past weeks. But phew! I finally could finish this! And what a long one, ey?