Kyungjong had never thought of himself as stupid, even if plenty of his teachers and his mom would sometimes think otherwise. Kyungjong knowing himself and his friends better than anyone, it was hard for Kyungjong to believe the things others like to say. Especially since he had always been able to read his friends as if they were open books, despite the amount of times that they would try to hide or push down their feelings for things that they didn’t always understand. Or in some cases, a fragile masculinity that led them from embracing themselves to shying away from the very things that made them happy. Things that were important to them, but no one would ever know because it had never crossed their mind that they would be accepted for something other than the music. Nurture promoting ideals that made his friends act stupid or come across as frightening naive, even if they were talented and smarter than many people would like to think, Kyungjong knew himself well. He knew his friends even better. So when Kyungjong had told Hyunsoo that everything would be alright, that he didn’t need to worry about anyone in their group faulting him for something that he couldn’t change, Kyungjong had truly believed that.

Then, his beliefs were slapped across his face, shaming him for being so optimistic.

xxx

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Kyungjong can’t help but ignore the texts and calls that he was currently getting from Hajin—the , having the nerve to speak to him after everything that he had done, Kyungjong finds it unbelievably hard to look at his caller ID without feeling guilt, shame, and anger for thinking the way that he did. Especially since Hyunsoo, the youngest and undeniably the most fragile in their group, had been ruined within minutes after gaining the courage to tell their friends something quite personal about himself. Only for him to be metaphorically slaughtered by the end of the night, while Kyungjong could only feel guilt at how gullible he was for overestimating his friends’ ability to look past something so small, that he finds himself unable to stop his hands from shaking.

The feeble sound of Hyunsoo’s voice as he mutters, “I’m gay… and… and I-I like boys,” resounds in his head like a broken record. Kyungjong can’t stop himself from remembering the rest of the things that had happened that night. Especially since Hyunsoo had never been in the wrong for anything, despite Hajin thinking otherwise. Or Jihyuk letting the other male get away with everything he said, despite the pain that flashed across Hyunsoo’s face before Kyungjong remembers how small their maknae had made himself. Almost as if he was a cowering kitten, Kyungjong burns at Hyunsoo’s reaction even more.

Not because he was angry at the other for not sticking up for himself, but he was angry at the others for putting Hyunsoo into that position. Hyunsoo had always been proud and fiery and sometimes rude—traits that all of them had in shades or spades, Hyunsoo had never looked so wounded. But once Jihyuk had made the connection of Hyunsoo having liked him, it was as if something had completely deflated within the youngest male and that was so much worse to witness. Because as much as Hyunsoo may have loved Jihyuk, had done everything he could to follow the other male, Hyunsoo had never let anyone know how much of a mess he was.

Kyungjong had always figured there had been something there, something deeper than friendship and brotherhood, but to have it laid out for everyone to see, there was no way for Hyunsoo to take things back. Jihyuk knew… They all knew, and that made everything so much worse.

Even now, Hyunsoo was hiding away, not answering his phone, because everything had gone so wrong. The youngest being isolated in a way that no one should be isolated, and with the weather so cold and dreary, Kyungjong couldn’t help but worry about the other male. Never mind, be angry at the people that had caused him to run away. Swearing at the mental pictures his imagination was currently showing him, his body suddenly itchy and achy in a way that made his skin crawl, Kyungjong could do nothing but relive what had happened a couple of hours prior. Of Hyunsoo’s world completely falling apart before him as his friends had betrayed him in the worst way.

The image of Hyunsoo wringing his shirt, his voice shaking as he spoke, and his body trembling so hard that Kyungjong would have it engraved to memory, it was hard to stomach the fear that Hyunsoo had displayed to them. The other’s emotions had been so tangible that Kyungjong could have cut them with a knife, it was hard for Kyungjong to deal with the things that he saw.

The shame that he had felt and would probably feel for a good while was nothing compared to the rejection that Hyunsoo had gone through. Their lack of true brotherhood had been unable to prove Hyunsoo wrong when it had come to his doubts. Kyungjong had never imagined his friends to be so cruel, and the only reason why he wasn’t beating Hajin and Jihyuk until they were black and blue was because of Do-il. Because as much as the other two had been boneheads, at least Do-il was on Hyunsoo’s side, even if the shock had rendered him speechless until Hyunsoo had pushed past them and out the door so that he could his wounds. Alone.

Tears threatening to fall from his eyes, heart aching from disbelief, confusion, and a thousand other emotions that he could barely even name, Kyungjong couldn’t find fault with how much Hyunsoo had been afraid. Because after everything that had happened that night, he was right to feel the way he did.

They may have hurt each other in the past, many of them being too emotionally constipated to talk things through or fights getting out of hand, things had never gotten this bad… Kyungjong wouldn’t be surprised if things were unrepairable.

xxx

"So what do you want to talk about?"

Body trembling and shaking in such an unnatural way that it had almost made Kyungjong move the few steps to pull Hyunsoo into a hug, Kyungjong was unable to stop himself from feeling uneasy. Especially since Hyunsoo just continued to gnaw at his bottom lip from nerves, so much so, that if he didn’t stop, Kyungjong knew that he’d be drawing blood with how much he was worrying the soft tissue between his teeth. But knowing if he’d touch the other male, he knew that the other would snap in half and force himself to lie, unable to go through with what he and Kyungjong had talked about a few days prior. So as much as what he was witnessing made his stomach twist in knots, he had to stand there and wait for the other to gain the courage he needed to say what he intended to say. Even if it would take him hours.

Tension so palpable that Kyungjong knew it was grating on everyone’s nerves, especially Hajin’s who was terrible at being patient, it was five more minutes before Hyunsoo took one last breath to mutter,"I'm gay... and… and I-I like boys." 

Kyungjong felt the air get pushed right out of him when Hajin let out a confused, “What?”

Only for the Hyunsoo to repeat himself, this time a bit shakier than the last, Kyungjong wasn’t expecting for Hajin to follow up, “No, that’s not what I meant. I’m wondering why you’re saying that, why you’re telling us this?”

Seeing confusion cross Hyunsoo’s face, Kyungjong wasn’t prepared for Hajin to step even closer and say, “Are you telling the truth right now? Are you actually telling the truth? I need to know if you’re ing with us or not-”

Only for Jihyuk to interrupt, “Hajin, that’s enough,” it’s seconds before Kyungjong feels something spicy hot burn within him as he hears, “How long? How long have you known?”

It doesn’t escape Kyungjong’s notice that the question causes Hyunsoo to stumble, before he’s gasping, “A couple of years… I-I’ve known for a-a while,” as he tries to regain his bearings. Bearings he shouldn’t have to regain, but as the conversation dwells on, Hajin getting angrier and angrier at the second, Kyungjong’s heart shatters when his best friend eventually asks, insensitivity and stupidity dripping off him with every word, “So you knew for years… You knew and didn’t mention anything… We’ve even showered together and now you’re telling me that you’re gay… Did you like watching me, the others shower with you?”

Seeing Hyunsoo’s gaze flick to Jihyuk, eyes filled with hope that Jihyuk could rectify the situation, could stop this downward spiral, it takes Hajin one glance to realize something that Kyungjong already knew.

“Y-you watched him didn’t you? You watched Jihyuk, because you like him… You actually like one of us!”

Cheeks turning pink at Hajin’s admission, the reaction more than enough to claim that a portion of what Hajin had just said was true, Jihyuk’s face becomes scarily blank. While Hajin, getting the answer that he needed, could only continue, almost as if he had an epiphany, “So that’s why you constantly follow his lead, for why you try so hard to do the things you know you can’t do, even if Jihyuk easily can, for why you’re constantly staring at him… Is he the star of your fantasies too? Do you —”

Feeling himself travel across the room, Kyungjong doesn’t even know he’s bringing his fist back and punching his friend in the face until he’s done it. His hand smarting in pain, Kyungjong can’t help but yell, “Hajin, you stop this right now. Hyunsoo is our friend and he doesn’t deserve—”

Only for Jihyuk’s gruff voice to echo across the room,“You knew about this too?”

Kyungjong and the others turning their attention to their leader, the other’s face completely devoid of emotion, it’s seconds before Jihyuk is opening his mouth mouth to say something so horrible, that it causes Kyungjong’s insides twist while Hyunsoo’s face becomes an unhealthy shade of green. It doesn’t escape anyone’s notice that the innocuous way the words are said mean nothing to the slivers of disgust that line them like honey.

Kyungjong’s has never felt so disappointed.

The traditional thinking and innate homophobia obviously leading Jihyuk to say these words despite knowing that it would break Hyunsoo’s heart, they all hear, “Is what Hajin is saying true? That you like me… That you may have—”

Only for Hajin’s interruption of, “Jihyuk, his face says it all, he’s a —” that makes Kyungjong wish that he had never told Hyunsoo what he had. Because as much as those words may have rolled off Hyunsoo’s back, the youngest too hung up on what Jihyuk had just said to notice the hate that was within Hajin’s voice, Kyungjong still heard it loud and clear.

And it’s only Do-il that pulls Kyungjong back from lashing out at the both of them, Do-il finally doing something instead of just standing their like an idiot, as he yells,“That’s enough, that’s ing enough! Jihyuk, Hajin, stop it. Just stop it!”

It’s the tears and the soft, broken, “I’m sorry, I’m so-so sorry,” that makes Kyungjong relax just enough to look at the youngest without wanting to punch Jihyuk and Hajin in the face once again. Kyungjong can do nothing but watch Hyunsoo apologize to them one more time, this time looking at Jihyuk as if he was truly sorry for everything that he had ever felt, Kyungjong can do nothing as the other finally decides to run away. To his wounds in private.

It doesn’t take a genius to realize what Hyunsoo was feeling, because the after effects were still palpable. Terror, shame, and disgust having caused so much pain that it had created tunnel vision for not only him, but had instilled something within everyone else that was in that room, Kyungjong eventually feels the fight leave him too. Only to be replaced with the feeling of not knowing what to do, Kyungjong can only feel the guilt grip his heart, while his mind conveniently reminds him of how wrong he had been and how ed everything is.

Not only had Hajin and Jihyuk hurt Hyunsoo, but they had let Kyungjong down too. And when Hajin had turned to him with anger in his eyes, it had taken everything in Kyungjong to not make things worse. Despite wanting to make them feel as much pain as Hyunsoo most likely felt, never mind the pain that Kyungjong was in, Kyungjong finds himself pulling away from Do-il’s hold. Only to be surprised when the words, quite harsh against his tongue, leave his mouth like sharp little daggers, “Don’t talk to me until you realize what you’ve done, because as of right now, we’re over,” before he’s angrily taking off in the same direction that Hyunsoo had just left.

Because after everything that had happened that night, he really couldn’t be their friend right now.

Let alone in the future if they continued to think the way they did.

Slapping his cheeks to pull him back from the painful memory, Kyungjong couldn't help but put his face into his hands as his shoulders suddenly began to shake, unable to keep himself from shedding a few tears. He quickly rubbed his eyes with the edge of his hand to wipe away the tears, lightly snifling as he did so, he eventually found himself focusing back on his phone and what he should do. His body trembling at the sudden what-ifs that could happen because of what had just gone down, what it could mean for Hyunsoo, Kyungjong carefully unlocks his phone to type, pressing send for what seems like the thousandth time that night.
 

To: Hyunsoo

Time: 0031

From: Kyungjong

Where are you? Are you okay? I’m really worried, alright? Please answer me.

He almost jumps in surprise when he finally gets an answer back.
 

To: Kyungjong

Time: 0033

From: Hyunsoo

Hyunsoo's staying here for the night and will stay here until it's safe for him to go back. Until then, just know that he's safe.  - Daegil

Only to feel even worse after reading the text, especially since it had been from the other's boyfriend, rather than Hyunsoo himself, he can only stare at his phone, his heart aching in response.

Maybe he really was stupid after all.