"You know, I'm sure you can tell them about us..." Hyunsoo hears his boyfriend, Daegil, whisper into the back of his neck, his breath warm against his skin. The other's fingers silently caress circles along his midsection and chest while he holds Hyunsoo close, so close Hyunsoo feels as if he doesn't even know where they even truly begin or end. A gesture that usually makes Hyunsoo feel safe and cherished, so much so, Hyunsoo can't help but grab the other's hand and hold it close to his heart as he threads their fingers together. However, despite the warmth that Daegil provides, Hyunsoo also feels cold and small, almost as if he's drowning in a lake that holds freezing cold water.

The words that Daegil has just spoken are things that he doesn't want to hear, but not because he doesn't want to tell his friends, but because he's afraid to. Because as much as Daegil means well, Hyunsoo has this awful feeling that makes him feel sick to his stomach whenever Daegil tries to talk about this. And the feelings of hurt that flash across the other's face whenever Hyunsoo tells him no makes it even worse.

He swears he's not a coward, but the thought of anyone finding out, especially with his status of an idol, it scares him like no other. It even petrifies him, because somehow, deep down, he knows that things aren't going to go well. He feels dread settle at the bottom of his gut whenever he thinks about this and as paranoid and cynical as that is, he can't get rid of the feeling. Especially since he had always known that he had been different, even as a child and for friends that he had a long time, it's a betrayal to not tell them these things.

But how could he?

For years - no, ever since he was five and had met Jihyuk and had played football with him, he had loved the other boy. So much so, that the thought of the two hugging had made him feel warm, and safe in ways that had felt a little too good for it to be friendship, so he couldn't help but keep those thoughts a secret. When the thought of a friend's strength and the way their hands would feel warm and solid against his back, silently telling him that they were brothers, even if Hyunsoo had wanted more - so much more that his heart hurt, despite being so young, it was something that he couldn't help but cherish more than the thought of girls. 

It was a scary thing to experience - these feelings that shouldn't have been there, but Hyunsoo couldn't stop them either, and like an addict, he didn't want to give Jihyuk up either. They were friends and as much as Hyunsoo kind of knew about his feelings, he had also been confused and unsure, and he had just wanted a friend and Jihyuk was it.

So even when things had went south and Jihyuk had found Byunghee or they had found each other, Hyunsoo didn't really know what happened since he hadn't been there, but he had been devastated at the thought of losing his friend - the person that he loved with all his heart, despite the fact that he he had been barely eight years old. Unable to deal with heartbreak, never mind not knowing what that was, he had decided to tag along in hopes of Jihyuk noticing him as much as he noticed Byunghee.

Football games were quickly traded for practice sessions with the beat up guitar that he had found at a local thrift store, the guitar being a necessary evil, but something that he had identified with as well. Because as much as he had no interest in music like Byunghee and Jihyuk had, he still found some refuge in it, as small as it was. But when he wasn't improving fast enough for either of the boys, he couldn't help but begin to practice more and more until his fingers would bleed crimson across the strings. This was all in hopes to stay with Jihyuk and not be left behind like a deflated football. 

Eventually he had gotten better and had found that he could hold his own, but with Byunghee and Jihyuk being such naturals - musicianship, singing skills, the ability to write their feelings into songs, etc... Hyunsoo couldn't help but feel as if he was constantly coming up short. But what he hated more was feeling like an outsider, especially to someone that he viewed as a brother and friend, despite the feelings of love he kept. Because with the chemistry that Byunghee and Jihyuk had, it sometimes made Hyunsoo see green, but it wasn't like he could do anything about it either. Especially when he had known it was due to feelings that he should have never had in the first place, because with the way his dreams would focus on him and Jihyuk together, doing things that boys shouldn't be doing with each other, there was nothing to say. 

Hyunsoo was wrong, disgusting in ways, and all he could do was hide his feelings and pull away. He didn't even think that Jihyuk had noticed and when Do-il, Kyungjong, and Hajin had joined them in middle school, Jihyuk had still been kept in the dark. And as much as that thought had made him sad, Hyunsoo knew he couldn't afford to be closer to the boy that he had loved in fear of ing things up. 

They were only supposed to be friends and that's what they were, even if, Hyunsoo didn't feel like that. But not one to talk about his pain, bringing attention to how he felt, Hyunsoo silently bore the weight of being in love with his childhood friend alone. So if he had became a little colder, more awkward throughout the years, he had his reasons, but at least, the others - the band, had made things a little easier for him. Because instead of feeling like the third wheel to a couple that barely thought of him, there were people that had cared and had watched out for him.  

Kyungjong may not have known anything, but the other had been his first friend in years and had treated him as such. And while, the other was friends with Hajin, a boy that Hyunsoo had barely tolerated on a good day, Kyungjong was different. Kyungjong was bright and kind and was the type of person that had always made him feel welcomed. Hyunsoo didn't love him like he did Jihyuk, but if there was anyone that Hyunsoo loved like a brother, it was Kyungjong. Because as short as their time together as friends were, that didn't matter and without the other, Hyunsoo felt like things could have been worse. 

Especially since his budding friendship with Kyungjong had made it easier for Byunghee and Jihyuk to fade to the background and do their own thing. Never mind the fact, that as cool and nice as Do-il could be, Hyunsoo couldn't help but feel a little jealous when Do-il had easily became friends with Jihyuk, pushing Hyunsoo down even further on the totem pole. But despite that, there was a silent camaraderie between them that Hyunsoo cherished - They weren't close like best friends close, but they had understood each other in quite a few ways. Do-il may not have known about his feelings, but he had understood the walls that Hyunsoo had put up to protect his heart.

Hyunsoo's relationships with the band - at least for most of them, were messed up and more often than not, he was constantly hurting, but they were friends and he had loved them, despite the flaws they had. 

Instead of things getting better when high school had hit, when they had the chance to let others get a hold of one their songs, it had gotten worse. Byunghee's death may have force them together due to the need to accomplish his goal - Byunghee's dream -  but that hadn't lasted that long either. And when the band was signed to an entertainment company and his sister had gotten sick, things had become worse. Because instead of hiding his feelings and thoughts that weren't natural - finding guys attractive wasn't normal, being in love with your 'best friend' wasn't normal, feeling things that straight men didn't usually feel wasn't normal - Hyunsoo had easily found himself hiding other things. Trust was a fickle thing and somewhere along the line, Hyunsoo found it hard to trust the people that he had befriended and loved. 

Hyunsoo had known the band was breaking apart, but with his sister being sick and his parents having no money, he couldn't help but do what he did. And the only one that had understood that, that had tried to reach out to him during that time was someone that Hyunsoo hadn't expected. Especially since Daegil was older and was a doctor and was someone that probably shouldn't have given him the time of day, but Daegil had. It hadn't mattered that Hyunsoo was eighteen and just a stupid teen, because Daegil still treated him like an adult and not the lost kid that Hyunsoo had and still sometimes identified with.  

Daegil was the one that had made things better, even if it had killed him inside to see his friends do whatever they had wanted, while he worked - while his sister was in the hospital. It was even worse when the others had ridiculed him for doing his job, when all he was doing was trying to make things work and save his sister. But that shouldn't have mattered, because the others should have tried to follow the rules anyway - they were under contract and really, some things were tough, but the company was pretty good to them. But none of them had understood that.

He wasn't trying to go solo, but somehow, no one had wanted to dig deeper. And as much as Hyunsoo had been pained by that fact, he couldn't really blame them either. Because at the end of the day, he hadn't really said anything.

What was there to say?

There wasn't anything to say, because as much as his friends would have tried harder if they had known, Hyunsoo didn't want their pity and he had definitely didn't want to have his friends do something for a couple of weeks and then decide to do nothing again. But when Yerim had found out about his sister and had been kind in ways that Hyunsoo hadn't expected, even after the cold shoulder that he had given her, Hyunsoo had felt lost. Because if this person that he had barely known could be understanding, it said a lot about the other people within his life. 

So instead of going to his friends, he had talked to the doctor instead, and the two had become close because of it. And while many other things had passed - Jihyuk pushing him away, the tension between all of them, etc... Hyunsoo had confided in the only person that had been by his side for the past couple of months: Daegil. 

Daegil had been there every step of the way and as much as Hyunsoo had loved Jihyuk, he hadn't really been in love with him either, at least, not in the same way that he was when it came to Daegil. Because as much as Daegil was painfully attractive, he had made things better, he made him smile and feel good about himself, and actually feel okay with the thought of liking guys and being attracted to them. Daegil had been there and had done so much for him, that it had been inevitable for Hyunsoo to fall for him. To care about him so much it sometimes scared him. 

But despite those feelings, there were things that Hyunsoo couldn't really do, at least not yet. 

And telling his friends about his relationship with the other man, an older man at that, was something that he couldn't do. But despite that feeling, he also knew that he couldn't run forever either, not if he had wanted to keep Daegil by his side. So giving a small sigh, stomach feeling ill, he could only reply, "I-I'll think about it, alright?"

While Daegil could only do his best to reassure the younger male, "I'm not expecting you to do it right away or to do it when you don't feel safe, but from what you've told me about your friends, despite their shortcomings, I'm sure they'll accept things. And I'm sure you'll be surprised by what happens as well, because even the worst of people can surprise you, alright?"

Knowing Daegil had meant well - he always means well and Hyunsoo can't help but appreciate the other's words and strength, despite his concerns, Hyunsoo eventually whispers, "You tell me that, but it doesn't stop me from being afraid." His voice candid to all the emotions that he feels, Daegil can only sigh, "I know and you have every reason to be, but you've got to have hope too. And you don't have to tell all of them at once either, you can do it in baby steps... I know you love your friends and your family, but these secrets? Something for as small as your uality at that, it's hurting you. It's hurting you to be dishonest and I don't like seeing you hurt like this, okay?"

Blinking back tears, knowing that Daegil was right, Hyunsoo finds himself giving a shaky breath, "W-Week. Give me a week and I'll tell one of them... To t-test the waters." 

Feeling Daegil kiss the back of his neck and pull him even closer, the other muttering "I love you" as he did so, Hyunsoo can only give a watery smile in response. Because as much as Hyunsoo loves Daegil back, his emotions are running wild and Hyunsoo doesn't know if he can say anything to the other man without breaking into tears. Something of which he knows that he doesn't want to do, so kissing the back of Daegil's hand instead, Hyunsoo hopes that Daegil knows that he loves him and that he's trying to do best when it comes to matters like these.

Especially since Rome wasn't built in a day, but despite that stupid proverb, Hyunsoo can't help but wish that it was.