I thought I would like her as much as she likes me. Never was I so wrong with my life. Reciprocative love's as hard and as cruel as it sounds. Sometimes it sounds like “taking someone for granted”. Yes. Maybe. I do not know. Getting too busy with everything could also be a factor. Conversations were starting to get so lame I already had a template for my good mornings and good nights. I was losing interest. Or maybe, she wasn't in my priorities anymore. I wanted to tell her as soon as possible to lessen the pain. I could see how attached she was and how in love she was with “us”. And that's what makes it harder. I couldn’t tell her because I don’t want to see her in pain. The courage to accept that you’re falling out of love was much greater than the courage to tell her that. But I was definitely falling out of love.

I thought that was the end of everything. Then I found myself breathing again. It was the sickest I have ever felt in my entire life. Good thing I was alone so I don’t have to trouble anyone worrying about me. That should’ve ended me because the next days seemed like an everyday struggle to fight for life. That’s when I felt that he’s losing interest. Or maybe their comeback has taken a great toll on our relationship that I wasn't a priority for quite a time, maybe most of it. He was doing this even before I came so who am I to get mad for prioritizing his first love. Conversations seemed like just an SOP. I should actually be thankful that he might be falling out of love. He’s giving me a favor. Because I can’t tell him that it’s back. I can’t tell him that I’m running out of time.

Next thing I knew, I was speeding up on the road to get to the hospital fast. What the hell happened? She’s fine. I know she’s fine… she must be fine! She’s young, she’s strong… she’s… it’s un… god, it’s unfair!

Next thing I knew, I was blinded by the strong white light in front of me. I can’t move a single limb. What the hell happened? Oh yeah, I out for the nth time but how did I get here? My mom must not know. She’ll be worried to death. Oh god, he must not know, of all people. He must not know. That would be… unfair.

I saw her.

I saw him.

She was on the bed, lying, almost lifeless. Her mom's crying outside asking herself why didn’t she tell her that it’s back. I wanted to cry too because I felt cheated in a way. I could feel her mom’s sobs as they start to mimic mine. I immediately dialed Myeon's number.

'Hey hyung, where are you? Everyone's looking for you. You're not taking Sooman's call.'

I couldn't seem to find the words. I couldn't talk. I was just sobbing as hell trying to collect myself.

'Hyung what happened? Why are you crying?'

"Jagi..."

'What happened to her?'

"I don't know Myeon. She's sick... she didn't tell me anything. She's..."

'Stay calm. We'll go there. She'll be fine.'

He was outside, looking at me, trying his best not to cry. My mom was there too. Her eyes were red from too much crying. She was asking herself why I kept it. You know the answer Mom. And then I felt it: the last chunk of breath. I tried my best to look at him before I finally closed my eyes. For the last time.

Myeon and the boys were trying their best to get me off the doctor. I hit the doctor once and fell on my knees, crying.

"He's kidding right? He's just telling that to lighten up things. Right Myeon?"

'Hyung...'

"No! Jagi can't be dead. Tell me Myeon! JAGI'S NOT DEAD!"

Her mom hugged me, crying. 

"Eomma... did you know... did you know that she was dying?"

'I thought she was okay Seok. The doctor said she's going to be fine. I didn't know it was back. She chose not to tell anyone. I saw this on her bed.'

Seok,

It was difficult - the struggle to look fine and healthy; that everything’s okay; that there is nothing to worry about. But I have to do it. I have to hide the pain. I must be the only one to know that I’m not fine. Because I’m a grenade ready to explode anytime. I don’t want a lot of casualties so they must not know that I’m struggling to live. That everyday feels like hell inside. I don’t want people worrying about me.  One thing I’ve learned is that it is easier to pretend you’re okay than to explain why you’re not fine. And I’m giving everyone the favor. As you’re reading this, I don’t want you to tell me I was wrong. I want you to know that it was my decision to keep stuff. You might see I’m not fine. Okay I will give you that. But I will not give you the chance of worrying about me just because im dying. Yes, you’re welcome. Selfish? Maybe. But I love you too much to tell you that I’m sick… that I’m dying. I don’t want to spend every moment with you trying to do the things I want just because I’m dying. I want us to be as normal as possible. We will do these things because we want to and not because I want to do this and I can’t make it when I die. I want you to care for me not because I’m dying but because you want to. I don’t need your pity. I have enough for myself.

When I die, i want you to move on as fast as you can. Look for someone else ready to take on forever with you. Make her feel the same thing I’ve felt for you. I want you to look for your happiness. Clearly, I am not “the one”. Do not look for the right one because there’s no such thing. Look for the one that will make you feel that it’s worth it. 

As for you and me, I’m breaking up with you. Not because I don’t love you anymore but because I can no longer stay with you. I love you, you know that. Maybe more than what you know. And I will leave that here. I will not take my love for you to death. It will stay here, with you. As long as you live. 

And with that being said, I will miss you. If I could trade anything with death, I’ve done it already. If I could cheat death as long as Daedalus did, I would. But I can’t. I will miss waking up to your messages. I will miss your long and tight hugs. I will miss leaning on your shoulder whenever I’m sleepy. I will miss holding your hand. Simply put, I’ve grown too attached with you that I will miss you so much. I’ve lived longer, thanks to you. You were one of the few reasons I fought for long. Because I want to stay with you longer. 

Thank you for being the wisest decisions I’ve made. Thank you for making me feel that it’s worth it.  

It was too easy for her to say all those things because she was ready. I can’t still find the words because I’m not a writer. It would probably be easier for Chan and Xing.

No. I can’t find the words because I was not ready to lose her. No writer can ever describe this kind of feeling and no word/s will ever be. This isn’t emptiness. Nor sadness. It’s beyond those. It’s beyond longing. It’s like I lost her even before she’s gone. I miss her but I don’t want to. It’s like accepting her apology of keeping from me the fact that she’s dying. I hate that part. Why did she have to do that? Why did she have to pretend she’s okay when she’s not? To save me from the pain of accepting that I can’t do anything to save her? The hell with that! Do you think you saved me from that? You just caused me a whole new level of pain. The kind that demands to be felt. 

The thought of falling out of love has already abandoned me. I hope it didn’t. Reading her stupid letter was like reading Neruda’s “Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines”… just a thousand times sadder. Maybe a million. 

'Hyung, aren't you going to see her?'

What's the point of looking at her when she's already dead. Would hugging and crying over her bring her back to life? I just want to bring back the thought that I was falling out of love. But looking at her isn't actually helping. More tears ran down as I moved her now cold body near mine. Memories of us rushed through me.

The day she accidentally poured me a hot coffee on a winter day in Busan. I guess I disgused myself very well for her to not know me. She has apologized for a thousand times trying to wipe off the coffee on my shirt. She even offered to buy me a new one. I was about to get mad when I saw her face. She wasn't exceptionally beautiful but enough to bring butterflies to my stomach. I suddenly forgot about the coffee on my shirt and put off my hat and glasses to look at her properly. But the fans screamed, rushed to me and knocked her over pouring the same coffee on her. I rushed to her and asked if she was okay. And everything went crazy when she looked up and smiled at me. It was a very beautiful smile. I knew by then, I'm captured.

That smile. How could I actually fall out of love from someone with that smile. That smile that has taken all the stress an idol could encounter. That smile that has pushed me to get going even if my best friend left the group. That smile that has been an everyday go-to cure. That smile that has taught me I can actually goof off when it comes to love. I could've fallen out of love and I am deeply sorry. I don't know why am I still breathing for the guilt is continously taking every life in me. 

Yes, I fell out of love but I know sometime, somewhere, somehow it would all go back because I knew she was the one. And I’m sorry I didn’t love you enough. I’m sorry I fell out of love. I’m sorry I was not enough. 

"It's really hard for me to take this mic and talk about her. It's supposed to be a eulogy but writing one is too hard for me. I've been asking myself the same questions everyday, "Why her? Why so fast? Why?" I waited long for her to answer me but I was never given anything until this morning. Our close friends would know that she was really into books and she always has an answer whenever I ask anything under teh sun. Maybe that's why she got so close with Myeon. I, on the other hand, just want to goof off. One time, she asked me for a copy of a book by Mitch Albom, her favorite author. I asked Myeon about it and luckily he has a surplus copy. I gave it to her on her birthday and she was really happy. To be honest, sometimes, I get jealous with the books because she makes more time reading than talking to me. Yes, I'm kind of weird like that and she finds it cute. She would always carry the book wherever. I never asked why. Because of preparations for our comeback and our comeback itself, I couldn't find time to meet her. I had no idea that she was secretly creating a reading nook in my apartment. And I found the book this morning with a mark on a certain page.

“There is a reason God limits our days.”

“Why?”

“To make each one precious.”

Even when she's gone, she never failed to answer my questionsa and even left a great lesson for each one of us. Three years with her were nothing but happiness, excitement and adventure. Being with her is like being born for the first time. She's the spring I always look forward to. And even now, she's the spring i want to come back after this sudden change of season. Because jagi, oppa believes he cannot love anyone more than he loved you. And no one deserves this ring more than you do."