“Keep me with you.”

Those last words you softly whispered in my ears kept lingering.

You were in my grasp but I let you slip through my fingers like grains of sand.

I should have held on but it was just too late.

There was just too much pain in between.

And then you were gone.

-

“What have you done?”

“What?”

“She’s gone! Her clothes and belongings are no longer in the room!”

I rolled my eyes at this midget in front of me. She was obviously more anxious than I was.

“I let her go.”

“Why did you do that?”

“There’s just too much pain in between.”

“I gave her up for you. And this is what you did to her.”

“I let her go because she chooses you.”

The midget’s eyes were wide open.

“Don’t act stupid, Kim Taeyeon. I know what you did with her behind my back.”

Her hands shook and she was fighting hard to hold on to me. She struggled while I kept fighting her off.

“Get off me.”

“That was a long time ago. She was the one who ended it.”

“So am I supposed to take her back?”

“She loves you.”

“I know.”

“So why didn’t you give her a chance?”

“She loves me but she wants you. I’m not good enough for her. She loves me because she felt guilty. She loves me because she was selfish. She loves me because she was afraid that she would lose you too.”

Taeyeon kept her silence. She knew she had no right to say anything anymore.

“I asked her to leave. You can leave too. She’s waiting for you at her old apartment. Be gone before I get back because there’s no way I’ll ever forgive you or her.”

I left the house without looking back. Slamming the door shut; I took a deep breath and cursed in the air.

“ the universe.”

A lone tear fell from the corner of my eye.

“ you. all of you.”

I mumbled in silence.

-

“We need to talk.”

Taeyeon stopped me as I was about to leave office. Ironically, since the day she left my house, I didn’t see her around anymore. We work in the same company.

“What is it?”

“Please, just ten minutes.”

“I’m giving you five.”

“Fine, let’s head somewhere.”

She walked ahead with me grudgingly following her from the back. I couldn’t understand why I listened to her in the first place. I guess my anger has died out.

There was no point staying mad at something so stupid or someone as stupid as her.

She managed to find a place to settle down. I stood opposite her.

“Shoot. Your five minutes starts now.”

“She needs you.”

I rolled my eyes. I should have known where this conversation would lead them.

“I told you before. It’s over.”

“I know but she needs you.”

“She doesn’t need me.”

“She does.  Trust me, she wants you not me.”

I stared at this Kim Taeyeon. She should be happy that she had my ex for herself.

“Whatever I say is deem useless. She’s not listening to me. I’m not staying with her.”

That caught my attention.

“She asked me to leave. She said she could never be with me because there was no way in hell that she would.”

“So you’re telling me all this for?”

Taeyeon stood closer. She placed her palms calmly on my shoulders.  Her eyes were watery. She sighed before speaking up again.

“I’m telling you this because I cannot stand watching her like this. She’s growing weaker and I know you still care.”

“I don’t give a about her.”

“Please, for old time’s sake. Take a look at her and then you decide if you could still stay mad at her.”

“You’re being arrogant right now.”

“I’m not. I regretted what I did to you. And I know it has always been me that caused the both of you to drift apart. I’m guilty of all that.”

“ damn right.”

“But no matter what I do right now, I’m sorry I cannot undo them anymore.”

Without any warning, my anger rose.

How dare you, .

I grabbed her by the collar.

“You’re such a loser. Why did you have to go after that one woman whom I love so dearly in my whole ing life? She came next after my mother and sister but damn it, you knew how much I care about Tiffany!”

She kept still. Her eyes were downcast. 

“Yes, you’re right. You cannot undo anything because it has all been broken and destroyed. You wrecked our lives, her life and all the happiness that we had built over time.”

“I know. But you can save her. You can save you.  No doubt she cheated on you but deep down in her heart, there’s always you. Even when we were alone together, her mind would be just you.”

I rolled my eyes but Taeyeon held on to my arms tightly. She looked intensely at me; I was so tempted to hit her in the face but I refrained.

“The reason why she cheated on you was because you weren’t there.”

Yes, I was guilty of that. I was too hung up on my job. I love my ing job. I knew that was the reason but that was just an excuse.

“The day she cheated on you was the day you left for Afghanistan without informing her.”

I looked up instantly.

“She was terrified for your safety. No doubt you’re a journalist but you just jumped into that opportunity because it had always been your dream to be a war journalist.  You didn’t care about her. She had to find out from Yuri.”

“I didn’t want her to worry.”

“You went off just like that. You could have died and she would have regretted it.”

I just kept quiet.

“You said she was selfish. Yes, she was selfish enough to love you because she needed you. But you had never put her into your plans. Your work comes first.”

“That’s not true.”

“The day you left for Afghanistan was the day of your 10^th year anniversary.”

I was thrown off. God damn it.  I didn’t know that. Or rather, I couldn’t remember.

“She wanted to throw you a surprise. She went over to your office and Yuri told her you had departed for the airport. You should see her face. She turned pale when Yuri told her that you would be covering the news on the war in Afghanistan.”

I slowly let her go; my arms slipping to my sides. I had to sit down. Taeyeon held me before carefully placed me on the sofa nearby. My head was throbbing like hell.

“The selfish jerk is you, Im Yoona. It has always been you.”

“I didn’t realize.”

“She went berserk. She ran up to my office and hit me umpteen of times in my chest. She was demanding why I didn’t go instead. Why it had to be you? I was crushed when she said that. But I knew she didn’t mean it.”

“Did you two sleep together?”

Taeyeon vehemently shook her head.

“No, our relationship was not like that. She just wanted company. And I succumbed to my feelings for her.”

“No wonder she preferred you.”

“You’re wrong. She has always prefers you but you are just too blind to notice that.”

-

“Go and visit her.”

Jessica was urging me. I had dinner with Yuri and Jessica. Both listened to the same story Taeyeon had told me earlier on. I needed to know if I was indeed in the wrong.

“Do you love her?”

Yuri asked.

“I have wronged about her.”

“That’s not my question.”

“That’s my answer.”

“Didn’t Taeyeon say she’s waiting for you to come home?”

“I don’t deserve her.”

“Bull. You have made the same mistake twice. Don’t make the third one. Go home. Go and see her.”

“And what should I tell her?”

“You ing love her and you want her back.”

“You think she would?”

“ you. Tiffany loves you but you love yourself more.”

-

The selfish one had turned out to be me.

I pulled out my past journals and checked on the date the first time we got together.

It was correct. It was the same day I left for Afghanistan.

I ran out of the door in that very moment. She turned her back on me because of me. She cheated on me because of me. I was the stupid one who didn’t appreciate her.

And how could I take her back when there was someone else who could appreciate her better?

And how could I shamelessly crawl back to her side when someone else loves her better?

Would she take me back?

-

“Keep me with you.”

I stood in front of her door.

She was there.

I could smell her.

Her vanilla scent perfume lingered.

“Keep me with you.”

That’s all I wanted to tell her.

If I have to beg, I would.

-

She opened the door for me. My heart sank to a bottomless pit. She lost weight. She looked haggard. Her eyes were red.

. Things I did to her were unforgivable.

“Yoona, what are you doing here?”

Her quivering voice was so obvious. I knew she was trying to hold it back.

She was struggling to keep things together.

How foolish I was to think that she wouldn’t move my heart anymore.

She did. She just ing did. My heart was beating so hard.

She still had that effect on me – I would still go crazy for her.

“Can I take back everything that I had thrown away?”

“What do you mean?”

“I will pick up all your broken pieces and hold them in place. I will piece them one at a time until you’re whole again.”

She seemed confused. She was supposed to tell me that.

“I’m the selfish one.”

“No, it wasn’t your fault. It was me. I was the one who erred.”

“I made that error for you.”

She frowned.

“I didn’t put you first.”

I finally put it out. I finally understood why we went wrong. I couldn’t prioritize and she was always a step behind me because I placed her there.

“I said I love you but I didn’t show it. I said I need you but I never stood by you. I said I want you but I failed to prove it to you that I really do.”

Tears finally fell from her eyes. There I go again. I made her cry.

I do that all the time.

“But I need you to know now. I have to tell you.”

I came closer; pulled her by the arm before enveloping my arms around her. She sobbed softly before I gently pulled her closer to my chest.

She buried her face on my chest.

And my skin burnt when her hot tears trickled down my arms.

“I – I love you.”

I whispered.

“I know I have never been vocal about my feelings and you were just the opposite. I have never held you in the public. I have never told you enough that I love you. I assumed that you knew and I took advantage of your fragile heart. I was so stupid. I should have been the one protecting you but I was the one who let you slipped from my grip.”

“What was I thinking of when I did that? What was I thinking of blaming you with Taeyeon when I was the one who put you out there, feeling vulnerable? I should be thankful that someone would take over my place and giving you the love and attention that you have been craving from me.”

She looked up immediately. Her eyes registered shock and she trembled in my arms.  I knew what was on her mind.

I shook my head and held her closer.

“No, I’m not giving you away anymore. You’re mine.”

Suddenly I got protective and possessive.

“I’m not going to lose you again. And I would take back my roles and responsibilities.”

“You don’t have to.”

“No, I have to. That was my promise to you back then and I would make it happen this time.”

“I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

“No, I’m sorry that I failed you.”

“Don’t say that.”

“I do and I did. I failed you so many times before and I never realized that you were forgiving and giving me chances all over again. Serve me right that you cheated on me with her.”

Once again, she was confused. Who was in the wrong right now?

I don’t really care.

I need to be responsible for her.

“Tiffany..”

She looked up in anticipation.

“Please, please keep me with you.”

This time, I was the one who whispered.

And she smiled widely.

-

I quit my job.

My boss was disappointed but my colleagues were glad that I did.

“You do know that being a war journalist, you were paid well.”

“I’m aware, boss but my love needs me.”

“Ah, okay. That’s a valid reason then.”

“Thank you, boss.”

“But I’m not going to let you leave this company.”

“Huh?”

“You’re one of my best journalists. I’m thinking of offering you my editor’s position.”

“Oh?”

“There’s an opening. Taeyeon left.”

I was a little surprised. She didn’t mention anything to me or Tiffany.

“She has gone to another new firm. She said I needed to give you this position.”

“And you let her go?”

“No. I’m not that gracious to let my people go. I gave her a month’s leave to get over her heartache instead.”

I bit my lower lip. I was totally guilty of that.

“I’m not stupid, Yoona. I know the issue between the two of you. But you need to keep away from each other for awhile so I’m sending Kim for a short break. She needed it.”

“But what will she do if I take up her post?”

My boss smiled.

“I’ll win her over and make her my wife.”

“Boss?”

“I’ll take good care of her.”

“You like her?”

“Yes, unfortunately she said she needed time.”

I was surprised. My boss, Sunny has eyes for Kim Taeyeon.

“So she’s going to be a housewife?”

“Depends. I could give her my job if she wants to.”

That’s something new. I wish her luck.

-

“You really left the job for me?”

“Well, technically I quit as a war journalist.”

“Are you really sure that you want this?”

“I rather lose my job than to lose my girlfriend.”

Her cheeks turned pinkish.  I have forgotten how she could get so shy so easily.

“I told you. I will prove my love for you.”

I pulled her for a hug and kissed her lips tenderly.

Her eyes were in a daze and I was sunken into it.

Her dazzling eye smiles appeared and she put her arms around me. She leaned closer and whispered softly.

“All you have to do is to keep me with you.”

“I’m keeping you with me. Never ever let you slip no more.”

-