“wonwoo, are you okay? What are you doing here? You’re on break today”

“what do you mean, jun. I left my phone here.  You don’t need to kick me out of here ”

I laughed and playfully nudged jun’s shoulder.

“no I mean- today is-“ he stuttered trying to speak.

I knew what he mean. Today is my anniversary with mingyu.

Also the anniversary of his death.

“I know jun. it’s okay. I’ll be oka-” before I can finish my sentence, jun hugged me with his warm hands.

“don’t say that. We all now you’re not okay.”

I didn’t say anything and just nodded and hummed. More like I can’t. if I said a word back there, I know I would’ve cry. And i already planned to cry alone in my bedroom.

Our bedroom.

I released my self from his embrace and throwed a smile at him.

He just looked at me in pity. I hate that look sometimes. I don’t need everyone to remind me that the love of my life is gone. But of course I can’t say that. I grabbed my phone and bid him goodbye. I took  a taxi to reach home. It was a long and quite 10 minutes ride. Staring at window like I was in some tragedy mv. I chuckled. Why was I so pathetic.

I pay for the taxi and got in my house. The house that kept our memories. i never understood the expression ‘home is where the heart is’ until mingyu moved into mine. i walked to my bedroom and i turned off the light of my room. I hate dark. But somehow at times like this, dark isn’t so bad after all. i flopped my self in bed and stared at the ceiling.

“it’s been a year mingyu. how are you up there? did you spend your day drowning in your 11 dogs like you’ve always want  to?”

I smiled but my throat felt so hurt.

I picked up my phone and dialled mingyu’s number. Yes I know he’s gone. But I still pay for his phone bill so I can still hear his voice mail.

“hi! You’re calling mingyu right now. But It can’t get through because he’s busy with wonwoo. Just leave a message after beep!”

His voice is still the same. I opened my text and went through my saved text to find mingyu’s last text. It was the one he wrote the day he died but he didn’t able to send and still on mingyu’s phone. But I send it my self to my phone when I was in hospital.

To my love, wonwoo.

I’m sorry I cut off our sweet call. My throat is burning. I can’t let out any sound anymore but I don’t want you to know.  I’m sorry I can’t make it to our anniversary. You must’ve hate me right now right? I’m so sorry for leaving you even though I promised you that we’ll grow old together. I know I’d probably die within the next few second. But I’m glad I still able to spend my last moment with you. Even if it’s just a phone call. You need to stay healthy and live happy and  find a new love okay? I’m sorry and I love you always.

2 drops. 3 drops. Tears started to fall from my eyes. Making my vision blurry.

“why do I like to hurt my self so much” I giggled between my sobs.

“mingyu, you’re so mean! How do you expect me to live happily when you are my happiness” I screamed to the thin air hoping for a respond.

“do you know how hard it is to have a death boyfriend where everyone just keep saying sorry to me all the time when they don’t know how to react? Well of course you don’t”

“It’s been a year. And I still love you the same. And sometimes the love that I have and can’t give to you crushes the breath from my chest. even now my heart is drowning in sorrow that has no stars without you and no laughter and no sleep. You said you’d always be here next to me. you’d always be with me to chase off the birds for me. you said you’d always laugh to my jokes. But it’s been a year and I CAN’T ING BREATHE WITHOUT YOU. I- I miss you so much. “

I stared his face on my phone. Smiling like no worry in the world

“it’s funny right gyu? I never remember important day. I didn’t even remember our 100 day and all those romance . But I suddenly remember all of that.”

I hugged my pillow trying to hold the urge to scream.

“somehow I only counted the days without you. I’m a bad boyfriend am i?” I kept on talking to my self

“Mingyu, did you remember that time when I almost broke your precious oven and you told me that you’d haunt me until my dead if I ever break your oven.  So I did and I held my breath, gasping for you to comeback. But you never did. “

i wiped my tears with my own hands. because i knew he won't be here to wipe my tears.

“The day I met you, my life changed. The way you made me feel is hard to explain. You made me fall deeper everyday. What am I supposed to do with this love you grew if you’re not here.

I didn’t think I’d find anything like you ever again. I kept mistaking the stranger’s back with yours. It’s silly. Because I know your back is one of a kind.

Strange isn’t it?

to dream of you,

Even when I’m wide awake.

 So tell me mingyu, how do you expect me to find another love. When your love is the only one thing want.

I want to go to you but you told me to live. How ing selfish you are. I didn’t even know how to breathe without you. Everything reminded me of you. “

I knew no one will answer. But sometimes, Screaming things like this helped. Reminiscing our old time. Like when he kiss me for the first time and I gasped for air like I’ve just popped my head out of the pool. Wondering if this is the first time I’ve ever breathed. If everything before has been practice.

I was your typical anti-social nerd. But mingyu.. he shook my entire foundation. He stripped away everything I naively thought I knew. I was always hate the way everyone became so stupid for love, never understand why would people did something extreme in the name of love, but i finally get what it means.

It’s been a year and I still woke up wondering if this is all just a dream, that mingyu’d come out of nowhere and kiss me.

But he didn’t

But there are days when I forget that mingyu even exist. I thought I was moving on.
Until one day someone asked me “if you had one wish, what would it be?”
And the first thing I thought of was to waste that wish on mingyu.

 Since he’s gone I’ve always put a strong front. Because I don’t want anyone to worry. But I’m getting tired. I don’t have the energy to keep pretending I’m happy.

At times like this I just hope to fall asleep before I fall apart.

wassup guys. so yeah i've been stalking wonwoo's pic since morning and it made me emo.

so i'm just throwing all of this. to share my emo-ness (is that even a word) so we can be emo together.

i'm just really sad knowing that wonwoo won't be joining this comeback. but hey at least he's getting some rest.

sobs. what am i gonna do without him. 

thank you for your comments and upvotes and subscribing this story. i'm so happy that there are some people that understand this story of mine.