The harsh pitter patter of the rain outside on the roof was so calming. During the last week or so, it had been unbearably hot and dry, so it was a nice change even if it was still stifling and uncomfortably warm. I shift a little from my comfortable position on the couch, pushing the cosy blanket from my lap and stretching my long legs out.

It was a quiet night in the dorm, but honestly, that was how it always was these days. Dead silence before storm. Over the last few months, the tension had grown progressively, and now fights have gone from once a week to almost every night. I was just waiting, curled on the brown couch, waiting for disaster to hit. I wondered what kind of conflict was going to arise tonight, it made me so anxious. I never knew how it would go, and I also hoped that tonight’s’ reign of terror was not going to be directed at me. I tried to keep up my distraction, my fingers dance over my phone screen, entertained by a colourful game. My head shoots up as the first shout of the night was voiced by no other than the maknae of the group. Although I was expecting an outburst from someone, I couldn’t help it as I jumped a little from the sound.

I would have bet my money that tonight would have been kibums’ turn to snap. Kibum had been skulking around all day, mumbling things under his breath and snapping at the little things anyone would have said. My heart went out for Minho, who seemed to get the rough end of the stick for this one. I was lucky enough to have spent most of my day dancing around our visual as best as I could, but as the two shared a room, he couldn’t escape. Whether it be something such as a wet towel on his bed or as small as a discarded sock, he would be scolded left right and centre by the bossy umma.

“Jonghyun!” My attention is dragged back to the present, my eyes follow Taemins’ movements as he storms across the apartment, a blaze of fury in his eyes. He was dressed up for yet another night of going out, to places unknown by any of us. His clothes were the usual tight black jeans, white tank top and his hair was pushed back to show the permanent scowl which had found itself plastered to the maknaes’ face, which had become a constant expression over the last year. His heavy boots stomp against the wooden floor, followed by a slam of the bathroom door which echos throughout the apartment.

A few weeks ago I would have been niave enough to shoot across the apartment, but I had given up trying to break up the fights, I would always get in the way and it would make it so much worse. I adjust myself again, beyond nervous. I flick my phone off so I can listen to the boys’ argument, my brows furrowing together as I tip my head a little to the left so I can look down at the hallway. I was hoping to catch sight of either of them but it was futile, Taemin must have barged his way inside the bathroom.

“It’s my jacket!” I hear the youngest yell, the door across from me opening slowly as Minhos’ head pops out of the study, peering at me curiously from the sound of the random outburst. I look at him briefly, his hazel eyes meet mine, headphones hanging from his neck as he wanders out. His hands dig into his pockets as he tilts his head towards me, silently begging for answers but I just reply with a small shrug. My eyes flick back to the dimly lit corridor, trying to catch a glimpse of the hostile argument between the two.

“No it’s not! Kibum bought it for me in England!” There was another bang which caused Kibum to emerge from his room catching my attention yet again. My eyes dance over the junior, although he was just in sweatpants, his face decorated in a face mask, he still held such a high confidence as he slid over to Minho, demanding answers. I watched intently, full of curiosity at their exchange, before Kibum rolled his eyes from the obviously lack of answers Minho could provide, but seemingly in a much better mood than earlier.

“Fine! Keep the ing jacket!” My attention snapped back to the original two boys as an angry looking Taemin, stormed past us all, everyone still like a statue as the maknae slams the door on his way out. I let out a gentle sigh, hating to see my boys’ in such a broken state. I look around tiredly at Minho and Kibum, the household umma looking quite sure of himself as he adds quietly, “I will go check on Jonghyun. You know how Taemin can be.” The younger boy of the two shoots him a venomous look which is easily ignored by the diva as he disappears down the hall.

We had all noticed it, ever since the release on Taemins’ new album, he had been wound up so tight. Snapping at any given moment, marching around the dorm like he owned the place and going out late, which really put a damper on the activities the next day. Tension between Jonghyun and him had risen to a competitive stage, and on many occasions, I had suggested that they sleep in separate rooms, but my head was bitten off with each attempt.

“!” The loud voice of our household diva had snapped me out of my daze, not making eye contact but following his trail as he curses a few more times, I was picking up on a few distasteful words but was most surprised as he shoves Minho on his way through, earning another dirty glare as he slams his shared bedroom door.

The boy I was left with shot me a look, which I knew was along the lines of, “Can I stay in your room tonight?” I give him a small nod, my finger nails grazing along my forearm, a nervous habit I had developed since the fights had become more severe and less friendly. The shortest boy of the group had stormed from the bathroom, glaring at me for whatever reason. I cower a little in my seat, my face expressionless as I stay rigid, ignoring the complete lack of respect as he demands an answer from me, “Jinki, this is mine right?”

He gestures to the jacket, staring at me impatiently as I shrug a little. I honestly had no clue, I never noticed what anyone wore and I felt my heart clench painfully as my lack of answer earned an eye roll and a few names before he storms out the door after Taemin. I looked down at my sweat pants, swallowing thickly.

I was watching my family fall apart, week by week it had been getting worse, and these boys I had spent 8 years raising were no longer loving and respectful towards the other members. There was no distance, no ones’ personal space, let alone a private life from each other. We knew everything about each other. I understood over the years, that the boys’ became more secretive about where they were going and what they were doing, but this was out of hand. Was it their close ages that made it harder to live together?

  I could still remember our debut day like yesterday, when each of them turning to look at me with wide, hopeful eyes, excited at the very thought of living together. They would gush about how awesome it would be to grow and become a group together. Now they were so broken. So distant and vastly different, these boys mean everything to me but now they wouldn’t give each other the time of day.

“Jinki, are you crying?” The younger shuffles forward as I shake my head out of reflex. Although my eyes had misted over, I would never break over this. As the leader, I must remain headstrong and determined to fix this, strong despite the fact that the cracks in our family grow more noticeable each day.

“Ah, no Minho, I’m fine.” I reassure the younger but he takes no notice of my dismissal to the subject as he slides onto the couch beside me. I shuffle over, making more room for him but the space between us is irrelevant as he rests his head on my shoulder, doing his best to be comforting. I feel a little grateful at his attempt, but I needed much more than that, I needed a drink for sure. I resisted the urge to slide from the safety of him and grab the whiskey I had hidden on the top shelf in the kitchen.

“Everything will be ok. It always is.” He nods in confidence, so sure of himself but how could no one else notice how broken and distraught the group was. Our manager had scolded us all countless times but it was deemed useless, especially by the two present soloists. I had no idea what had gotten them so snappy, but because of Jonghyun and Taemin, the two who relied on them the most, (Minho and Kibum) had become short tempered as well.