a pair of coward.
let me be your medicine“wonwoo, are you okay?” I look up to see soonyoung with his furrowed eyebrow.
“what are you talking about?”
“you just seems pale. Have you been eating anything? We’ve been here in practice room since morning and I didn’t see you when we have lunch together with member” he nags me with a bunch of question. Feels like my own mother.
I laugh.
Even though soonyoung looks like the most carefree member. He’s always been such a caring person. He even laughed to all of my lame jokes. No one do that but him.
“nah, it’s probably only fatigue. I was staying for practice. But I ate some snack”
“god damn it wonwoo . you’re already so skinny and you skipped meal? What if mingyu know this”
“it’s okay I just don’t have any appetite right now. I’ll eat when I get to dorm. And it’s not like it’s matter to mingyu anyway. He’s been really really close to seungcheol and minghao so I’m not surprised”
I was actually joking but soonyoung’s face changes into a pitiful look. God I hate that look. i don’t have the right to monopolyze mingyu anyway. So it shouldn’t be a problem to anyone nor me.
“wonwoo…..” I saw this coming. You can’t say anything right.
“I’m just kidding. I’m fine and i know what you think. I’m not lonely just because mingyu is not here” I stand up. I can’t look at that ekspression anymore.
“yah jeon wonwoo. You’ve been practicing non stop. Just go home already. And we’ll have practice for dream concert and-”
“you can head back first. I’m going to practice for a bit” without turning back I wave him goodbye and continue my practice.
He didn’t say anything. Maybe he finally understand I want to be alone for a moment. Now I’m left alone in practice room. Only me and the music. I kinda regretted it what I said to soonyoung. What if he tells mingyu. I may or may not be feeling a little bit abandoned after whe changing roommate. And I guess being away from him is something I’m not used to.
He used to be the one who dragged me to eat with him.
He used to be the one who followed me everywhere hyung this hyung that.
everything is so stressful.
And also there’s that article about me being A haters of snsd. I can’t believe something I did in the past can haunted me like this. I admitted I did a wrong thing. I was immature. I didn’t think my careless word could hurt people. Even fans and other member told me that it’s okay it was just a child being a child.
But it’s not okay.
I know this “small” thing I did in the past can affect all of us. Can affect seventeen and pledis. We’re a new boyband. And I’m giving them a reason to hate seventeen. I read all of them. They blaming me. Telling me to die. Saying how can a company let this happened. I’m scared it’s gonna cause something bad to seventeen.
But I’m a coward after all. I can’t tell other about this problem. We’re still in our promotion time. Everyone is busy. Everyone is stressed out. Specially since our asia tour coming up. Things have been taking its toll on me.
And I really don’t want to look weak in front of them.
So yeah I’ve been practicing non stop. It keeps my mind off from bad things. And I think I just want to redeem my self.
I need to do better for carat.
I need to do better for myself.
I look at the clock and it’s 6 pm. My whole body feels numb. I drenches in sweat. I’ve been feeling severe pain in upper abdoment but I keep ignoring it. I probably just hungry. I took my bag and turns off the light. The walk to dorm is not too far. But the loneliness is of that little amount is enough to get my bad thoughts coming. This is why I hate doing nothing.
I finally in front of our new dorm. My hand on the door knob. I don’t even have the energy to open it. I can hear the loud laugh and bickering from outside. how am i supposed to survived another practice at the stage. I groaned, soonyoung gonna kill me if he know I haven’t eat anything. I should’ve listened to him. My abdomen keeps giving me stinging pain. But at this point I’m too tired to cook anything.
I open the door. There are only soonyoung seungcheol jun minghao
And mingyu
I guess the rest of them are preparing to go. They welcome me with questions. Though I see mingyu still sitting comfortable beside minghao. But it’s not like I’m expecting him to worry or anything.
I see soonyoung seungcheol and jun comes up to me and their mouth like saying something. But I can’t hear anything. My stomach suddenly hurts so much like a bunch of daggers piercing through it. I feel like throwing up but it’s stuck in my throat. It’s hurt.
It’s hurt so bad that my head got dizzy. My leg feels weak. And I fall to the ground. I see everyone running to me and screaming words I can’t hear.
I see mingyu and then I see nothing.
♦♦♦
I can’t feel anything but pain. My throath feels so dry. I can’t even open my eyes.
But I can hear a sobs and feel a grip on my left hands. The touch feels so warm and familiar I’m afraid to open my eyes. I’m afraid if I open my eyes, the warmness on my hand will be gone. And it was all just a dream. That this is just something my brain made up to fulfilling my desire.
I open my eyes little by little. The bright light hurting my eyes. It’s stinging. And everything I see is blurry. It takes me a few second to finally realize that I’m in hospital. Oh that’s right I was passed out at the dorm. Great. Soonyoung really gonna kill me.
My eyes fall to the brown-haired man next to me. He wear a black sleeveless shirt drenched in sweat. With his head down, gripping my hand hard in tears. I can tell who is this person from the back of his head. I know this view too well. Because that’s what I’ve always been see lately.
But why is he in tears?
I lift my right hand up with all of the energy left in me and pat his head. He finally lift his head. I can see the black eyebag forming under his eyes. i look at the clock on the wall.
01.14
Is this kid has been staying awake all this time. I can see the dry tears on his cheeks. He looks at me in shock.
“hyung!” he shout. his grip become tighter.
So does my heart.
“I should’ve checked you properly yesterday when I’m in my doctor suit” he laughs. But still in tears
“hyung are you okay?” I want to ask why is he crying. I want to say I miss him. I want to say something. But nothing comes out from my mouth. it’s still painful to move or talk. Even breathing is still torturing for me. I put my hand on my throat and I think he understands that I want some water. Because he rushing to grab the water and hand it to me.
Pain.
For every drop of water sliding down my throat I feel excruciating pain on my body. I must look really weak right now. I can’t believe i passed out the day before dream concert. I’m making trouble for other member.
Again.
“I’m sorry” I said while wiping his tears. Even though he’s taller than me, he’s still a baby after all.
“why are you the one who said sorry” he drops another tear
“I’m sorry because I keep causing everyone trouble. i’m sorry I can’t perform tomorrow. Our fans must be disappoint because we’re not complete. I’m not even surprised if they raging because I ruined our stage” I smile
“listen to me jeon wonwoo. You are not gonna apologize anymore for something you don’t have control in it. AND WHY ARE YOU CRYING?? I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO ALLOWED TO CRY HERE” he practically screaming at me.
“why are you crying??” I don’t even know I’m crying. It’s just really hurt everytime I talked. The tears is 70% pain and 30% from watching mingyu crying
“BECAUSE I CAN’T HANDLE YOUR STUPIDNESS. HOSHI HYUNG TOLD ME THAT YOU’RE SKIPPING MEAL. AND YOU PRACTICING ALONE WITHOUT BREAK AND WHAT IS THIS GRASSTITIT GRASSTIS OR SOMETHING.”
“WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME” At this point my tears keep flowing from my eyes.
“I’m sorry. It’s just” he let out a heavy sigh “why aren’t you telling me any of this. They told me this grastis or whatever is really painful. Were you in pain all this time?”
“I’m fine mingyu” I rub his hands. Assuring him that I’m okay. Please believe in me. I want to look strong at least in front of you.
“for god sake wonwoo you’re in hospital because you’re passed out. YOU ARE NOT FINE. look at yourself. Pale and skinny. What am I going to do with you jeon wonwoo” he looks angry
I didn’t say anything and just look down.
“they told me this can be caused by stress. Why aren’t you telling me anything. Do you know how worry sick I am because of you. I was so scared wonwoo.” Now mingyu sobbing on my sleeve.
This is painful for me too you know. To look at you like this
“mingyu, I’m not going to die. It’s nothing serious” I pat his head. “and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you anything. I thought you’ve been avoiding me. I get used to have your presence beside me and now you nowhere near me so I thought I’ve done something wrong. And I’m too scared to ask. I’m not ready for your answer.” I close my eyes with my other hand. I’m not capable to look at mingyu at this state.
“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry” I can feel his lips on my hands, showering me with kisses.
“why?”
“for avoiding you. But it’s not because you did something wrong. It’s because i’m scared”
I guess we’re not so different after all
“you know how fans see us.”
I don’t like where is this going.
“they always say how I look at you in endearing way”
is he going to say he’s digusted because of this.
“how my touch for you seems different unlike for other member”
he don’t want to be near me because it’s gross isn’t it.
Tears falling from my eyes again. My hearts clenches and it hurts. Is this because of my gastriris.
“I’m scared you’d notice my feelings for you”
You actually hate me don’t you.
“because all of that. Everything they said were right. And if they able to notice it. You’d probably notice it too. And I’m scared you’d keep your distance from me or even hate me for loving you. for loving my best friend”
WHAT
“I’m sorry what? You love me? As in family way?” I lost my ground. What is actually happening.
“I love you in a way I’d totally do you right now. I can’t believe I finally confessed at this kind of moment. “
Okay now I’m totally confused. He’s been avoiding me because he loves me? What
“you’re not saying anything. You must’ve hate me right” he looks away with painful face.
“no I don’t hate you. Never will. It’s just I thought you were avoiding me because you felt disgusted of how fans seeing us. And I was afraid you’d hate me. So I didn’t expect this at all. I’m glad.”
He finally laugh, showing his canine teeth. God I miss hearing his laughter
“I guess we’re a pair of coward” he leans closer to my face and wipes my face “and crybaby” he continued.
Our cliché-staring-drama-alike moment is interrupted by a nurse to give me treatment. Mingyu fakes cough and suddenly standing straight “I guess I gotta go. I’ll tell everyone you’re awake. I’ll come again tomorrow morning”
I nod. He was already at the door but returning to my bed again. “what?” I asked.
“get well soon okay.” He leans down again to kiss my forehead and run. Leaving me in daze. Do I need to get into hospital first for him to be able to confessed to me.
♦♦♦
someone knocks on my door. it's soonyoung, he still in his stage outfit. It’s 10 pm. I’ve been sleeping all day with occasionally eating and doing treatment.
“oh it’s just you” I said while grabbing for a glass of water.
“what do you mean it’s just me. I’m kwon ing soonyoung” he looks so offended I can’t contain my laughter.
“you seem cheerfull. Sorry I’m not mingyu. He was here this morning but you were asleep. Geez how can you sleep all day”
“I didn’t ask mingyu you know” I pout. Actually I kinda disappoint because I can’t see mingyu. At least now I know that flower in the vase is from mingyu.
“sure honey”
“how’s the stage today? Going well. I’m sorry I ruined it” I feel guilty again.
“it was a blast chan doing your part. I’m not even surprised if that kid take your place in hip hop unit. And no don’t apologize. The only thing you need to do is having a rest.”
I stay quite.
“have you eaten” he asks. I only answer with a nod. “mingyu actually want to come here all of us did. but something got in the way and we’re not really allowed to have 13 people in one room”
“have you fix things up with mingyu? He was really panic when you passed out. You know how we have practice. At first he refused to leaving you he really thought you were gonna die. And as soon our practice finish. He dashed out to come here.” he explains.
“oh that’s why he was in that outfit”
“you two are such a pain in the you know. You read a lot of book. You’re supposed to understand that clear communication will save you a few chapters of your book” soonyoung shakes his head.
“yeah I’ll talk to him again. When I’m out of here.”
♦♦♦
It’s been two days since I passed out. I’m discharges from hospital and just reach home with the help of everyone. But only mingyu that actually drag me into my room. Everyone leaving us. I think mingyu have something to do with this.
“you okay?” he looks like he’s about to cry again.
“I feel better.”
Silence.
I already promised soonyoung that I’ll talk to mingyu about us. I took a deep breath.
“ming-“ “won-“ we said it at the same time. Great.
“you go first.” I offer. He sat next to me on the bed. Still not looking at me.
“I just want to say that please promise me that you’ll always tell me about your problem. I know I’m younger than you. I’m immature-”
“and nasty. and crybaby. And coward” I interrupt him which earns a laughter from him.
“okay we got it. Let me continue” I mouthed I’m sorry.
“despite all of that, please rely on me. Please tell me if something goes wrong. Please talk to me If you have a bad day. Tell me when you think of another lame jokes. If you feel bothered about my feeling for you, you can just ignore it” he looks down.
“mingyu” I try to make him to look at me.
“you can just pretend that I never said any of that” but he keeps on blabbering.
“mingyu”
“I’m okay just to be your bestfriend again. Just talk to me” he cries.
“and let me be your medicine”
“MINGYU” I yell to him. He just won’t stop.
“what wonwoo what? Why are you keep interrupt-“ i cup his face to look at me and press our lips together. I should’ve done this earlier. His lips taste like cherry. I kiss him Just for a few second then I break our kiss. His eyes widen in shock
“you finally look at me. I don’t want to forget your confession. I don’t want to pretend all of that never happened. Because I love you too” my heart beat too loud. i think he can hear it. my hands fall on his shoulder and I put my head down on his chest. i’m too embarrassed to show him my red face.
“really?” I nod. I feel a pair of hand wrapping my figure. It’s warm. “so are we going out now?”
“let’s just take thing slowly and see where it brings us”
I don’t look at his face. but I can feel his grin spread wide. He lift my chin with his hand. Meeting our lips together. Just a small kiss. I can feel his smile on it. he continue to kiss me at the edge of my lips, my cheeks until my forehead.
“wonwoo”
“hmm”
“I love you”
“I know you do, idiot”
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