A/N: Inspiration music here, as gathered by the impeccable bbe1989. Hope you don't mind. ^^

There are plot twists. Prepare.

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This will be my death bed. The thought swirled through Daesung's mind, as he stared down at the white sheets wringing between his hands. I'm really going to die.

 

~~*~~

24 hours earlier...

 

Pink marshmellow cars drove past yellow marshmellow houses, as Daesung skipped down blue marshmellow streets. The scent of sugar and marshmellow fluff lay heavy on the air, and opening his mouth, he could feel the air thickening between his cheeks, turning into cotton candy fluff, sweet as only cotton candy fluff could be. The taste made him smile, and he swallowed and opened his mouth again for more, but something stuck...

In the distance, a tall guy in a dark blue suit waved. Hand high in the air, hair spiky and eyes shaded by stylish sunglasses, there was no mistaking Choi Seunghyun for anyone else, and Daesung cried out "Seung-hyung!" or he tried...

As Daesung kept skipping, running forward, towards his best friend and the rising sun, he could make out three shadows behind Seunghyun, and he knew at once who they were, though the light in his eyes made it difficult to see them clearly. Yeongbae, Seungri, and Jiyoung, always there.

Or so they had been, until...

Daesung tripped, his leg suddenly heavy, falling to his knees. "Woah!" he could hear the boys shout out, before the pattering of feet told him they ran towards him. "You okay there, D?" he could hear Seunghyun ask, as he was pulled to his feet.

"Yeah," he said with a smile. His friends were all there, around him, smiling to see him smile, relieved.

His leg locked again, and he stumbled, falling into Seunghyun's long side. Arms supported him, and Seunghyun pulled him closer. "You really okay?" Seunghyun asked, frowny faced. Daesung didn't like Seunghyun's frowny face. It meant he was about to grow really worried, and Daesung hated it when his friends worried like that, Seunghyun most of all.

"Yeah, just a little wobbly is all, nothing big," Daesung said, grinning. Seunghyun didn't stop frowning, though his lips relaxed a little.

"Hey, let's go over to that cafe and have some bubbles!" Seungri howled, pointing across the road at a boardwalk cafe with big, red parasols over the tables, and a dark brown fence around the serving zone.

No, we can't. Daesung just knew it. We can't go there. It's bad. It'll be bad. It'll be so bad. Don't go. Don't-

"First one there gets a free drink!" Jiyoung called, to a joyous howl. Once, Daesung would've howled too. Once upon a time, he did howl, along with the others, "For the bubbles!"

And then they ran, and Daesung clung to Seunghyun's arm, helpless, as Jiyoung, Seungri, and Yeongbae flew across the road, flew ahead, then flew sideways, as a blue car hit Yeongbae in the shin, as Seungri turned and slipped, landing on his . As Jiyoung stopped, in the middle of the other lane, and a big, red truck blared its horn at a stunned Jiyoung. They'd been jaywalking, but it'd never been like this. No one had ever been hit before. The cars used to slow down... and then the truck bumped Jiyoung before stopping. Nothing much, just a bruised shoulder Daesung knew, but he just sat there perplexed, looking over at Yeongbae, and at Daesung, who'd been behind the car just then, screaming, as his legs burned, as Seunghyun tried to help him, tried to calm him down, tried to...

 

Daesung woke, sweaty and crumpled in pain, screaming his head off, voice hoarse. His door burst open and his parents ran over, barely stopping to ask if he was okay. They knew he wasn't.

If only he was... If only he was...

...okay.

But he wasn't.

And within hours he was back at the hospital.

 

~~*~~

 

2 weeks earlier...

 

"Seunghyun wanted to be here, you know," Jiyoung told Daesung quietly, as he rolled him around through the park.

"I know," Daesung mumbled, smiling faintly.

"He had work today," Jiyoung insisted, "He's missed too many days already, and couldn't come away from it."

Then he should have quit the damn job and got a new one at the hospital! he shouted inside, but Daesung knew it was wrong. That he was wrong, to even think it. He hated who he had become. He hated the bitterness always echoing every thought, every word he heard. Most of all, he hated his stupid legs, especially the bad one. The evil one.

"I know," he said, smiling up at Jiyoung, "It's okay." "It's fine," he repeated to himself, knowing it wasn't, but there was nothing he could do.

 

~~*~~

1 month earlier...

 

"I'm sorry."

"..."

"I'm so sorry."

"..."

"Daesung, forgive me!"

"..."

"Please! ...no, don't forgive me, just... hate me! Curse me! Just, please...! Say something...! Anything...! It doesn't even have to be a word, just... please... make a sound! Please!"

"..." So tired... I'm so tired... Can't think... What did he s...? Don't matter... just... go... stay... oh, just don't move. Please, don't leave. Just stay still. Wait.

"...I see."

Hmmm... I just... what? What is he...? No...! No, you don't see! You see nothing! I haven't even said anything yet! Just...! Stay! Still! Don't...!

"...I'll go."

No!

"I'll leave, so please..."

No! Don't!

"Please, just... talk. Just.., come back, okay?"

No! Don't! I haven't even figured this out yet! Please, don't leave! I don't know where my mouth is! Help me find it! Why...!

~~*~~

3 weeks earlier...

"I want Seunghyun..." Daesung whispered into the air.

"Huh?" Seungri mumbled, raising his head from the cradle of his arms on the bed, blinking sleepily into the air.

"I want my Seunghyun..." Daesung felt water pour down his face. No, not water. Tears. Not pouring... sliding. A single tear, cold to his heated skin, slid down along his cheekbone, pooling in his ear. It felt uncomfortable, and Daesung wished it would go away. But not into his head. Away, out, gone. Uncomfortable.

"What?" Seungri mumbled, staring at Daesungs face now, but his older friend had fallen back asleep.

~~*~~

1 week earlier...

He'd been at home for almost 2 weeks now, discharged almost as soon as he begun talking again, but still no Seunghyun. Jiyoung had taken him to the park a few times. Seungri stopped by every other day to report on the world, and gossip about the great Sol's success abroad. They'd always known he was good, but now he was really out there, proving them right, it was almost hard to believe he was that same guy who'd run for bubble tea, that summer's day, a few years back.

Ofcourse, Seunghyun was busy. Doctoring was busy work, and it took all his strength to get through his often long days. Daesung didn't blame him for not running straight over after a 14 hour shift, standing. He missed him. He missed his old friend. The one who'd nearly become something more, a few years back.

But time had passed, and it wouldn't come back just because he wished it, and he'd never be able to re-live Seunghyun's first days as a doctor. He would never stand by Seunghyun's side, as he returned from work, ready to collapse, but happy to see him. He'd never cook him his meals, or see the joy on his face at accepting a warm meal at the end of the day. He'd never serve himbreakfast in bed, or walk their non-existent dog together. They'd never kiss again. Daesung would never be able to bear it, knowing they could never continue, never go on. He wouldn't dare take off his clothes in front of the man who'd seen him whole so many years before. Seunghyun would be disgusted. He'd turn away, hate him, despise who he'd become. Daesung just knew it.

But if he could only meet him one more time, see his eyes, see his smile, feel his hand upon his hand, maybe... maybe he wouldn't feel like he was drowning anymore. Just once... Just one, single lifeline...

 

A cough interrupted his stupor. The sky had turned dark, and he blinked. He must have sat there, staring blindly, for hours. He felt tired, so, so tired... He should be in bed. "Daesung?" a hesitant voice asked from behind him. Daesung's eyes widened. He looked at the window, at the reflection from the doorway. He blinked, wishing. "Would you like a visitor?" Seungri asked, hesitantly, hope twinkling in his eyes. Daesung cried inside, torn, tearing himself to bits, to shreds, but just on the inside. Outside, he said: "Yes, ofcourse, Seungri." And he smiled as he met the boy's eyes, reflected in the glass. "I would love a visitor."

He knew Seungri wasn't fooled. He also knew Seungri wanted to be fooled. As Seungri smiled, a little forced, but cheerful all the same, Daesung felt his own smile crinkle his cheeks until he could barely see. The kid had a good smile.

"The world shone bright today, you know," Seungri babbled away as he rolled Daesung down the hallway, "Stars must've been in your favour or something. A dog fell three stories today, and lived. Landed in some bushes, and got a few scrapes from the branches, but he lived, you know? Three stories down! That's, like, ten feet or something."

"Really?" Daesung tried to laugh a little, but he only had the air for a little puff of a giggle. "Sounds amazing. Is it really true?"

"Yes," Seungri insisted, "It was in the newspaper! They had pictures and everything. A fat little beagle, fell off the balcony. They thought he'd vanished for a while, into thin air almost, but then they found him a couple hours later, and they were stunned. Next thing you know, someone called the newspaper, and now it's a thing."

"Wow," Daesung breathed, feeling his eyes growing stars, "That would be the day, eyh? To survive a fall like that... Must've been, what? 20 times as tall as the dog?"

"At least," Seungri agreed, "anyways, as I was saying, some good stars must be out today, because guess what else happened?"

"What?"

"Jiyoung got promoted!"

"What?! No way!" Daesung could feel every breath running a little stronger with each sentence he spoke. Maybe he was onto something, doing it right. Or maybe it was just a good day, like Seungri had said. "Really?"

"Really!" Seungri laughed, "Jiyoung is now head manager of the creative department."

"Wow..." Daesung awed, "That IS good news...!" The stars in his eyes felt like full blown galaxies by now. He hoped Seungri noticed. He knew the kid enjoyed it when he got an actual reaction from him.

"Anyways," Seungri said again, "As I was saying, it's a good day, right?"

They reached the doorway to the living room, and Daesung saw the curtains blowing into the room. The windows were open, letting in the soft summer air.

"So it shouldn't have come as a surprise, not really," Seungri chattered on, "but you know how all good things happen at once?"

Daesung's breath caught. Someone was sitting on his couch. Someone was sitting on his couch, hunched over, elbows on knees, hands wrenching, probably sweaty, but Daesung didn't care. He knew that frame. Only one man in the whole world was built like that.

"So anyway, it's been a good month,"

His hair was longer, his skin drier. His shoes might have been new, the leather especially shiny. The trousers had definitely been pressed and ironed.

"So the hospital is quieter now,"

He still had his jacket on, the silly newt, and those cufflinks would have been better off at an art exhibition.

"And with all the new interns coming in, now that the exams are done and all, well,"

Daesung felt his heart jump. The thick head of hair rose, and a pair of bloodshot eyes met his.

"Seunghyun, I brought him." Seungri finished, "I'll just get you two something to drink. Be right back."

The kid cheerfully ran off, back out the doorway, towards the kitchen.

Daesung and Seunghyun sat silently, staring at each other for a while.

"You look like a blood hound." Daesung commented.

Seunghyun's eyebrow rose, the corner of his mouth twitching.

"You know," Daesung continued, "Like that thin dog in "Lady and the Tramp""

The corner of his mouth was definitely twitching now, and Daesung could feel his own mouth twitching, though he tried to keep a straight face a little longer.

"He had these really wide eyes, remember?" he continnued, "and his eyelids would fall right into them, but then he would get excited and really open his eyes, and they were all bloodshot and red."

Seunghyun smiled, and ducked his head, pushing a hand through his hair.

"Anyways," Daesung finished, inexplicably tired all of a sudden. "You look like him. Brown eyes, you know? Like yours. And bloodshot. Red lines of overworked blood veins all over."

Seunghyun looked up again and nearly straightened. Nearly. His hands still clenched each other, sweaty-like. Daesung couldn't keep from glancing at those hands.

"Anyways..." he said, "You're alike... so..."

"How are you, Daesung?" he finally asked, "How's life?"

Not good, you idiot. How could it possibly be good?

"It's alright," Daesung replied, "Sometimes I even forget I ever lived a different life. Other days I almost walk before I remember I shouldn't."

"No," Seunghyun retorted, "you should! Why not? It's not like you can fall, anyway, is there? Walk."

Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny. It actually was kinda funny. It was true; he couldn't fall. He could barely get up without bumping into some part of his security. Even if he stood on his feet, he'd still be pretty safe. Except, his legs wouldn't carry, not for long. They would be generous just to let him rise.

"Should I?" he said instead, clenching his arms down on the armrests of the chair. He wasn't even halfway before Seunghyun stood over him, arms on his arms, leaning over him, holding him down. "No," Seunghyuhn said, "no need." His eyes slid sideways, looking at him crookedly. "Any chance I can convince you to pull me out of this chair, then?" Daesung nearly whispered, mouth inches from Seunghyun's ear. "Guide me?" Seunghyun asked, uncertain.

Long moments later, they were next to each other on the sofa, clenching hands. Seunghyun's hands were sweaty, as expected. Daesung grinned quietly.

"...I'm sorry," Seunghyun whispered into the silence. They were both staring at the floor, Daesung simply enjoying the mere presence of the man next to him. Until those words emerged, anyway.

"For what?" He frowned, looking up at the one and only crush he'd ever had. Seunghyun didn't meet his eyes. "You know what for." he mumbled grievingly.

"...no, I don't."

Seunghyun hesitantly met his eyes, though his back was so hunched, he actually had to look up. Daesung had an alarming thought: Hope he doesn't see anything disgusting in my nostrils...! "Straighten up, would you?" he said, a little harsher than he'd meant to. Softening his voice a little, he explained: "I'm not used to looking down at you." Seunghyun raised his brows, but straightened up. The new angle allowed Daesung an extra opportunity, and he took it, snuggling in place, wriggling beneath Seunghyun's arm, laying his head on the man's shoulder. The man automatically put his hand on his other shoulder, massaging lightly, and Daesung felt more at home than he'd felt in weeks, probably years, though he couldn't be sure.

"I am sorry," Seunghyun mumbled, "I am sorry I couldn't protect you. Sorry I pulled at you like that. Sorry for not noticing. Sorry for pulling you into traffic in the first place. Sorry for not taking you to the hospital right away, when you first tripped. I should have cared more. Should have protected you more. Daesung, I am so sorry. This is all my fault." He whispered at the end. Daesung felt suddenly heavy, like the whole world had slammed back down onto his shoulders. And he felt annoyed. Annoyed at this man, so eager to take responsibility, and owning up to his actions, that he added so much he couldn't possibly have avoided. He also left out the part where Daesung had run with him, all the way. Even when he slipped right in front of that car, it had been Daesung's own fault. That was his action, his responsibility, not Seunghyun's. How dare he? How dare he steal Daesung's own actions? How dare he steal his free will? Turn him into some helpless child to be guided and protected?

"I know," he said instead, trying to keep the anger from his voice. He could still feel it cutting through the air like a blade, though, and knew Seunghyun probably felt the same. "I know," he said again, softer. "But don't take my actions from me. I was the who ran first, straight into traffic. I was the one who ignored a bad knee, a weak ankle. I was the one who slipped." Looking up, he could see the man's eyes grow moist, stubbornly staring into the wall in front of them. He looked away.

"You did try to pull me out from beneath, before noticing my leg was stuck, but that's all, and not much at all. I would have done the same, were it you who was stuck beneath a friggin car."

The silence stretched on, and Daesung really wanted to crack a joke and be done with the serious things, but he knew he shouldn't. He couldn't. This wasn't the time.

"Friggin'?"

But Seunghyun could crack one.

He giggled. It sounded weird at first, but then he was just giggling, and Seunghyun was giggling with him, and they were just two guys, two young men, sitting on a sofa, laughing quietly at something he'd said. It was almost okay.

~~*~~

But it hadn't been okay with his mom. Coming home to find her baby in the arms of the man who nearly killed him, she shrieked, and shouted and yelled, chasing the much taller, much stronger man straight out of her house, hitting him all the way with her new, brand name, shock pink purse.

He was never to be allowed back in, she promised. Daesung didn't have to worry. They would tighten security, make sure he could never make his way back up there again. He would never hurt her Daesung again. She swore.

One week later, Daesung was back in hospital, after the worst of a series of bad dreams. His mother was tired, terrified of his screaming, long into the night. His father made sure to put him away in a private room, "for privacy", and not a day later, he was called back in.

~~*~~

"He won't eat."

Daesung heard the doctor murmur to his father, as though low voices would keep him from hearing them, in the quiet room.

"He is losing weight, and refuses to exercise."

Though, honestly, he was having difficulties focusing on the conversation. His eyes blinked slower and slower by the second.

"If this goes on, you won't have to worry about any brain rot. He'll waste away first."

"But can't you do something?"

His father's voice. Still demanding everyone else solve his every problem, no matter the challenge.

"We can keep him from dying, yes, but the problem is intellectual. Emotional."

Anything to avoid saying "mental". Daesung felt a dark giggle bubble up inside.

"Your son may not wish to die yet, but he certainly doesn't want to live."

Daesung thought of cufflinks, for some reason. Artsy cufflinks, with half a rainbow's worth of colours on them, in sharp, angular patterns. They belonged in a museum. The cufflinks should be in a museum.

"Sir, can you think of a reason, anything, anyone, your son might change his mind for?"

~~*~~

"Daesung~!" Someone whispered softly into his air, blowing dramatically, "Daesung~! We have come for you~! We have come for your soul~!" Daesung had to laugh.

As his giggles broke the air, wooping echoed through the room, as four voices rose in cheer.

Cracking open swollen eyelids, Daesung looked at the crowd: Seungri on his left, arms in the air. Jiyoung sat behind him, patting his back, praising his performance as death god, whispering harbringer of doom... or just bringer of friends. Sol, good ol' Yeongbae, looking relieved and more oily tan than ever. And without turning his head, Daesung knew, because of the warmth at his side, what he'd find at his right.

Turning his head, he looked into the face... of a panda?!

His throat convulsed at the sound he tried to make, dry from days without water, or food. The panda at his right launched at the glass by the bedside, and carefully put the glass to his lips, but as Daesung opened his mouth, the water sizzled in his mouth, more painful than soothing, and he couldn't bear it.

He shook his head desperately, quietly begging Seunghyun to stop. Seunghyun, with his two black eyes, put the glass down, and hugged him.

A few coughs and "bathroom, you know,"s and "getting some snacks"' later, they were alone, and Daesung cried without tears, clinging to the shirt of his tall friend.

~~*~~

3 days later

"But you know," Seungri mumbled out between mouthfuls of food, "you could probably learn to walk again."

The room was a cheerful mess of empty and opened packages of snacks and ready-to-eat vegetables. The sun shone warm and bright through the window. All of Daesung's "crew" were there, munching on foods he wasn't allowed to touch until today, recovering from his short term starvation.

Apparently, eating a lot on a starved stomach could kill you. Drinking a lot after being dry for too long could kill you, too.

So there he sat, IV in his arm, piece of bread with thin jam on it in front of him, staring longingly at all the nice food he wasn't allowed to eat. The doctor had allowed him one snack today, though, and he really looked forward to it.

The snacks in the room were, of course, punishment. His friends had been more than a little upset at his "attempted suicide" as they dramatically called it, and openly eating everything he wasn't allowed to touch was their petty revenge. They had also made him write a wishlist of things to write once he got out of hospital, though, promising to get him every little thing, even if it took weeks and months to finish it all.

Daesung gleefully added "70 carrots, 5 a day, for 2 weeks" to the list, watching Yeongbae devour a bucket of carrot sticks. He'd gotten a weeklong holiday under the pretense of an extended hospital stay, and spent most of it in Daesung's room, telling him about the life of stardom, of becoming a celebrity - "A celery?" Jiyoung joked, "Did you eat too many?" - and about the world tour he'd just finished.

Daesung felt strange. Hearing about his friend's lives while he'd been out of it, he felt like a lot of time had gone by, lost to him, but at the same time, sitting right in front of them, staring into their faces, he felt like no time had passed at all.

The arms around his arms tightened, holding him close, and he leaned his head back, bumping it softly into the chest of the man he'd once thought lost.

Seunghyun had not, as it turned out, found someone new. He'd had his opportunities, but not much time. As it turned out, three years was a very short time for a medical intern, and he'd only recently settled into his new life as a doctor. Daesung was slightly excited at figuring out how that would work with his new life. He hadn't even finished his degree yet, and finding a job with a wheelchair seemed daunting.

"I might give that a try, actually," he said out loud. Seungri grew quiet. Then, stars begun sparkling in his eyes, and Daesung felt a rainbow oncoming.

"Woooohoooo!" Seungri whooped so loudly everyone jumped, and Jiyoung's pencil flew sideways by an inch. Daesung saw his brows twitch.

"Really?" A deep voice murmured by his ear, and Daesung had to fight the urge to melt into the man behind him. "Really." He said, snuggling beneath his blankets, trying to keep his IV out of the way. The plastic tube was impossible, refusing to cooperate.

On the bright side, he'd be out of the hospital in a week. This time, he'd be staying with Seungri, who lived in a first floor apartment, and still went to uni.

On the downside... well, he'd deal with that as it came. For now, all was well.

And as he sunk back into the arms of his old friend come new boyfriend, he listened to his friends planning his recuperation in detail, and smiled.

The kiss on his head didn't hurt either.