I didn't expect to fall in love with him. But I didn't expect not to. He was just so... admirable. He was everything that I wanted to be and more. But he's gone now. And he's never coming back. And it's my fault. Because I was the one who was too weak. It was all my fault. 

We officially met during his third year but I had known of him for a while before that. Himchan took me to a pool party once and he was there. That's when I first laid eyes on the love of my life. He was taller than me and he had the most genuine smile you could find on the planet. He didn't notice me though, but I don't blame him. There were plenty of pretty girls at that party. 

When we first met, I was so nervous. Himchan made up the excuse that we were taking the same course but I don't think law has anything to do with neuroscience. He was my senior by two years but we acted like we were practically the same age. We were both shy and awkward. But it wasn't uncomfortable. Every time I was alone with him I'd want to think of something to say. But then my mind would start to wander and I'd just daze off into the horizon. 

That's how comfortable I felt around him. It didn't matter if there were thousands of people around or if it was just the two of us, he would always act the same. He was so caring and gentle. I fell so hard for him that he was all I could think of. Himchan got sick of me mentioning his name over and over again. But how could I not say his name. It was as beautiful as the sound of morning. He gave you this warm fuzzy feeling inside especially when he sat right beside you. 

We planned to go on a little picnic together one time and it was freezing. He sat beside me and our shoulders brushed up against each other and everything. He could tell I was cold so he practically wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer. My head was against his chest and he rubbed my back. At the time it seemed like an act of brotherly kindness, but now I can see it was much more. 

He always seemed to be the calm one when I was stressed or upset. Yongguk just made things so much easier. He understood me and my troubles. And he loved me for my flaws. 

Everyday that I went to college I would meet up with him and if I wasn't at college, we'd meet up sometime during the day. There was a point when I couldn't think of anything but Yongguk. And I knew this was really bad but at the time it felt good. It felt nice to be able to love someone. I realise now that that was a mistake. I should've never loved him. But I did. 

I finally confessed to him after I promised myself something. I promised that I would forget about Bang Yongguk once he had graduated from college. Yes, I loved him like I've loved no other but I knew that these feelings I had were too strong to be suppressed. I had to end it now. 

At his graduation ceremony I was so happy. He had finally graduated and I felt proud for him. But at the same him I felt awful. Yongguk smiled so brightly when I smiled at him but what would happen if I disappeared? Would his smile disappear too? I couldn't bare the thought of it. So, my initial plan was to act calm and play it off cool. But Yongguk dragged me behind one of the school buildings and asked me what was the matter. I couldn't hold back my feelings anymore so I did the thing I never thought I would do. 

I kissed him. I kissed Bang Yongguk. 

And I told him that I loved him. Those years of just standing on the sidelines not knowing whether to jump into the game or not just dropped. I didn't just enter the game, I ran in not looking around for any potential dangers. 

I was foolishly in love. 

We moved in not to much later afterwards and we lived. I loved coming home to a bright smile after a tough day at college. We had so much fun together.

But the fun never lasts forever. 

Me being selfish and all, I wanted to tell my mother and father. Yongguk was fine with that but he had his doubts. He knew that my parents wouldn't accept us and he was alright with it. But I wasn't. I couldn't live if my parents didn't accept me. All my life, all I wanted was their approval. I was foolish for thinking that they would accept us. 

But I asked them anyway. Over and over again, every week I'd go to their house and beg them. 

One day, my father was really drunk. I knew it was a bad idea to ask him, but I did it anyway. He got so angry. I've never seen him like that before. He started beating me. I didn't try to run though. I couldn't feel the pain of the bashes because I was already so numb. I was numb from loving the person that I adored. For me that love was only poisonous. The more time I spent with Yongguk, the more my parents tried to avoid me. 

I didn't return home after what my father did. I couldn't. I couldn't face Yongguk like this. So I went out and did what I had never done before. I drank. One after the other until I didn't know what time it was anymore. Yongguk warned me of the consequences of alcohol but, hey, I was young and I didn't care. After a good five hours of drowning myself, I stumbled home. 

I couldn't tell if the sun was rising or setting at this point. 

Home seemed so far away. And so did Yongguk. 

By the time I reached our apartment, I collapsed onto the ground. It was freezing and I could finally feel some pain from the coloured marks on my skin. I curled myself up onto a ball, trying to keep warm. I remember saying over and over again, 'I'm sorry...I'm sorry...' I knew I was apologising to him, because he would've been worried sick looking for me. 

I don't know why I thought of this, but I did.  My time with Yongguk was limited and I didn't want to put any of it to waste. I'd always wanted Yongguk but he was always concerned whether I was ready or not. I knew I wasn't ready, but you can't prepare to love someone. It just happens. 

I called him and told him where I was. He sounded relieved and tired. His voice was so deep and relaxing. It made loving him so much more easier. I loved Yongguk, I truly did. I know at times it didn't seem like it and I know I seem arrogant, but is it selfish wanting to keep someone to yourself? 

Yongguk arrived more quickly than I expected him to. His hair was all in a mess and he had grass stains on his knees. I managed to croak out, 'I'm home' and his smile that followed just shattered my heart. I had already planned to end it with Yongguk, but how could I. I just couldn't bring myself to break his heart. He carried me inside and into the bathroom before turning on the bath. He left the room to get some clean clothes. I was tired and drunk. And I wanted Yongguk. So, I stripped. I wanted him to myself and the only way I knew how to do it was through this. He came back all flustered and everything and he was about to leave before I held his hand. 

Yongguk worked so hard and yet his hands were so soft. Just like a baby's cheek. His gentle touch calmed me down and I thought of falling back in love with him. 

I stepped into the bath and he sat beside me. The whole time, Yongguk just stared forward while I just looked at him. He seemed so stressed and tired. I knew what could take the stress away. I approached him slowly and ran my hand around his nape. He looked at me with calm eyes. And we locked lips. This is was different from the other kisses we had. It seemed more sad. 

It took him a while to catch on but we eventually did it. He was so careful not to harm me and made sure that I was alright. Of course, I was fine. I'd been thinking about this for a while and it was finally happening. But all I could remember from that night was the way his hands glided over my body. Just like the way the ocean tenderly kisses the sand, Yongguk was serene. He didn't rush it at all. It was beautiful to say the least. 

It took us a month after to break up. I was the one to cut the ties. I made the excuses. I said I lost the love. I was the one that lied. 

I've never loved a person as much as I loved Yongguk. And it's sad to see it end. No, it was heartbreaking. The moment I walked out the door, I wanted to run back in and hug him. But I knew I couldn't. I had to end this. 

But I'll miss him so much. No one can love someone like Yongguk loved me. And it's my fault for this whole thing. I should've never approached him. I should've never fallen so deeply in love. I ended everything because I thought things weren't going to work out. But it's only been a few hours and I'm crying so hard into my pillow. 

I regret a lot of things. I mostly regret not giving Yongguk the love that he deserved. I was never good enough for him but I wanted him to love me. I was selfish and I still am because right now, I want Yongguk. I want to hold him, to kiss him, to love him. 

I'll miss him so much. But the thing I'll miss the most is his gentle touch. 

---

A/N: Complete! I hope you enjoyed this little monologue. It was actually meant to be the sequel of 'Him part 2 : His Rough Hands' because I wrote that first but I wanted Yongguk's monologue to be the sequel. It was kinda hard to give Jongup this mindset because he seems like such a sweet person but I needed a strong character. Please read 'Him part 2' and don't forget to comment and subscribe(maybe)! Thank you.