Min Yoongi hated cigarettes, but he smoked anyway. Min Yoongi hated alcohol, but he drank anyway. Min Yoongi hated living, but he lived anyway.

Living was by far the hardest thing Yoongi forced himself to do, and for a long time he just went with the flow, day after agonizing day, hoping death would meet him halfway.

That was until a certain boy decided to barge in and change everything.

Jeon Jungkook and his bright, curious eyes. Jeon Jungkook and his shy, crooked smile. Jeon Jungkook and his ability of touching the darkest of the hearts.

Yoongi and Jungkook have been friends for as long as they could remember. They were in a group of seven boys, and even though Yoongi genuinely liked them all, Jungkook still stood out like a big, burning star in the middle of a small constellation.

Perhaps it was because of the way Jungkook stared at Yoongi, as though he was some kind of superhero that happened to land right in front of him. Perhaps it was because despite being four years younger than Yoongi himself, Jungkook was so easy to talk to. Perhaps it was because the world tended to look at Yoongi with judging eyes, while Jungkook's ever-present fond gaze always made Yoongi feel alive.

Perhaps. Yoongi's life was so full of doubts, that he didn't even remember when Jungkook became a certainty.

However, a fleeting memory in the back of Yoongi's mind, a memory that smelled like burned flesh and cheap wine, told him that Jungkook always showed up just in time.

It was kind of ridiculous, Yoongi knew it. To put his life in the hands of such a young, innocent boy, to give Jungkook enough power to build or destroy him. Yoongi wasn't entirely sure if he wanted to expose himself like that.

But one night, one of the countless nights they spent together, after Yoongi trashed his own room because he couldn't find his lighter; he realised it was too late. And perhaps, Yoongi had never had a choice in the first place.

 

 

"Hyung," Jungkook had whispered into Yoongi's hair that night. "You might not believe me, but I know how it feels."

 

 

Yoongi had almost laughed at the boy's naivety. How could he possibly know such thing?

 

"Really?" Yoongi then decided to challenge him. "How exactly do I feel?"

 

 

Jungkook was silent for so long, Yoongi thought he had fallen asleep. That was when the boy spoke, voice weak and trembly, tinged with something darker than his smiles had ever shown.

 

"You feel empty."

 

 

 

 

Simple definitions of the word 'Empty':

 

• Containing nothing;
• Not having any people: not occupied;
• Having no real purpose or value;

 

 

The tip of Yoongi's iceberg. An allusion to the real situation, but Jungkook was on his way to understanding.

 

 

 

 

 

Yoongi wasn't known for his selfless nature, and he didn't really care about that. Living was already too hard on its own, he couldn't give himself the luxury of being kind. That was, of course, until Jungkook came in, and his presence forced Yoongi to face his own sins. He tried to ignore it, but he couldn't. Jungkook was the very personification of everything Yoongi had never done, and it hurt to look at him, all messy hair and shiny lips.

 

Why did it hurt so much?

 

The answer was quite simple:

 

Because Yoongi cared too much.

 

In the blinding pain, Yoongi desperately tried to do the right thing. But then again, being a good person just didn't seem to be his thing.

 

 

 

 

One, two, three knocks on the door. Yoongi did nothing to get up from the floor.

Four, five, six knocks on the door. Yoongi didn't think it could get any worse.

 

 

"Yoongi hyung," Jungkook's sorrowful voice filled the empty room like the faintest noise.

 

 

'It can always get worse,' Yoongi reminded himself.

 

 

"Hyung, I know you're there. Please let me in."

 

 

Yoongi sighed. His heart ached with something that he had only read in the books: regret. It was so strange and new. Yoongi always wondered what regret felt like, but he wasn't enjoying it, at all.

 

"You shouldn't be here, Jungkookie," Yoongi ended up saying, but he didn't move. "You said you were busy hanging out with some friends."

 

 

"And I was," came the fast reply. "I swear I was, but something crazy happened."

 

 

Yoongi immediately stared at the door, concern written all over his tired semblant. "What happened?"

 

 

Jungkook let out a breathy laugh. "I missed you."

 

It was a lame answer, Jungkook was painfully aware of that, but it was also the truth.

 

 

 

 

'Look, Jungkookie, I like our relationship, but you know I can't be your friend, right? I'm your hyung, after all. It would be best for you to have friends of your own age. You should enjoy your youth while you still can.' Yoongi had once told him.

 

Jungkook knew what he truly meant by that, as though he could see through Yoongi's every word. For that same reason, he didn't voice his secret thoughts. Jungkook himself was already too afraid of those thoughts, so he tried his best to bury them deep inside his mind.

 

That was when he started to go out with his classmates.

 

Karaoke. The same one he used to go with his hyungs. That bunch of dorks always found a way to get themselves expelled from the place (whether it was because they wouldn't stop inviting strangers to sing with them, or because Namjoon had broken yet another microphone).

 

Video Games stores. Taehyung and Jimin loved those. Jungkook missed spending afternoons (and occasionally, nights) playing with them. He even tried to call Taehyung one day, but the boy wouldn't pick up the phone.

 

Basketball court in the nearby neighborhood. That was where he missed Yoongi the most. Yoongi loved playing Basketball, and Jungkook secretly loved watching him. In the past, whenever possible, Jungkook would refuse playing with his hyungs so he could admire Yoongi from a distance. He missed those times even more, because when Yoongi stepped inside the court, he always had a challenging smile on his face. Yoongi's game was fierce, merciless, and full of passion.

That was such a beautiful part of Yoongi. A view that shone vividly in Jungkook's precious memories, a view that he couldn't help but love.

 

"Are you okay, Jungkook-ah?" One of his classmates, Min-Soo, had asked one day.

 

Jungkook thought of fair skin, piercing eyes, and fire. So much fire.

 

"Yeah, I am." No, I'm not.

 

As time went by, too slowly for his liking, Jungkook kept trying but still, there was something wrong. It was like the days were too dark, and the nights too bright. The sun wouldn't shine, while the moon burned like a star in the sky. Everyone insisted that everything was in their rightful place, but Jungkook knew it wasn't true.

In that cold Monday afternoon, when Jungkook finally admitted to himself what was wrong, he realized he knew it all along. Of course he did. Now he would let his hyung know too, even if it meant that Yoongi would never open the door for him again.

 

 

 

"Hyung, I always did what you told me to do," Jungkook's heart was beating awfully loud, his hands were sweating in spite of the cold. "Remember when I was fourteen, and my hair was so long it looked like a wig? All the other hyungs told me to cut it, but I didn't care, I was fine like that. But then you sat by my side at the park, and for the longest time you said nothing. After what it felt like hours, you got up, looked at me and said, 'I won't tell you to cut your hair, it's yours anyway, but sometimes it's nice to make other people happy, and I know the boys would be very happy if you obeyed them. Think about it.' And I thought, hyung, I really did."

 

 

'And you cut your hair,' Yoongi thought, remembering how beautiful Jungkook had looked with the new haircut, especially because his bright eyes were visible once again.

 

Yoongi's legs suddenly moved on their own volition, and when he realized he was standing in front of the closed door.

 

 

"After that," Jungkook continued, and Yoongi froze on his spot. "I started considering other people's happiness within my actions, especially yours." Jungkook rested his head against the door, the only thing that was separating them, but it felt like a frozen ocean. "So when you told me to live my youth, I considered your peace of mind more than my own happiness, because I know you think of yourself as a burden to me. But hyung, my happiness is right here with you. It's broken and often clouded by our mistakes, but it's mine and I want all of it. I want the good and the bad days, as long as I'm with you."

 

A few moments went by, and nothing happened. Jungkook stared at the door helplessly, wondering if he should apologize. He opened his mouth at the same time as the door flew open, and a wide-eyed Min Yoongi came out.

 

"Hyung, I'm--" Jungkook started, but was interrupted by Yoongi's forceful embrace.

 

The impact of their bodies colliding left Jungkook momentarily breathless. The sensations invaded him with ruthless familiarity, and everything started to seem right again.

 

"See?" Jungkook said, recovering from the shock after a few seconds. "I knew you would open the door for me."

 

 

"You silly kid," Yoongi's voice was muffled by Jungkook's overcoat, but he didn't let go. "You never learn."

 

 

"I'm so sorry," Jungkook hugged Yoongi's small waist tightly. "I know you wanted to stay away from me, but I failed to obey you this time."

 

 

Yoongi sighed, patting Jungkook's messy black hair and suddenly, it clicked. All that time, the world had felt upside down because Jungkook wasn't there to anchor it.

 

"I let you go because I'm an adult, Jungkookie, and that's what adults do. We think about what's best for silly kids like you."

 

 

Jungkook laughed that same breathy laugh that always gave away how overwhelmed he was.

 

"If you consider staying away from each other the best for me, I'm afraid that you're terribly wrong, hyung."

 

 

Yoongi pulled away, just enough to stare at Jungkook's eyes.

 

"As it turned out, no matter what I do, I'm always wrong."