What If

There’s a theory that every individual has two great loves in their life. One is your soulmate, someone that you will inevitably always lose due to a love far too overwhelming and passionate. The connection between you two is so strong that the chemical forces within the universe won’t allow the relationship in order to maintain balance. They will forever hold a part of your heart, and will be reminisced as the love of a lifetime. The other is your true love, someone you will spend the rest of your life with, an individual that you will love and be content labeling as your own. This love will bring the satisfaction you yearn for in a partner but you’ll come to the realization that you won’t ever love anyone the same as your soulmate. You will find yourself questioning ‘what if we didn’t break up?’ And that’s what Jiyong and Chaerin will remain as. They will forever be one another’s biggest ‘what if’.

Somehow, without either member’s knowledge, their relationship had drifted from their grasp and despite their unconditional love for one another, their fairy tale had come to an end. It would’ve been comforting to say it was an irrational decision, concluded from rage and a drunken stupor but it had been an accumulation of endless problems with no resolve. Jiyong and Chaerin had fallen in love young, far too foolish and naïve to understand the responsibilities and consequences that came with a relationship but regardless, they fell hard. They watched each other grow and develop without the realization that they have become too dependent on the other member, and with attachment came disappointment. Both Jiyong and Chaerin took one another for granted and that had been their biggest flaw. Albeit, they loved one another with a passion that was consuming, it wasn't meant to be forever.

Chaerin allowed an inaudible sigh to escape as her gaze lowered to a small cardboard box resting in the corner of her bedroom. She had been putting off having to deal with the contents inside but everything else of his was already packaged up, and it was the last remaining evidence of their past relationship. Hesitantly, she paced towards the shoebox, hands tightly clenched along her sides in effort to muster up enough courage to reach for the small box. She held the rough exterior between her shaking hands and a single tear fell, making a noise as it hit the lid of the cardboard. She paused for a moment, watching the water droplet glide off the surface. Chaerin hadn’t even realize she had been crying as she messily wiped the streams of tears with the back of her hand.

She warily opened the lid, and was immediately met with years’ worth of polaroid’s. Her heart instantaneously dropped to the pit of her stomach as she struggled to swallow the lump of anxiety crawling up and cutting off her airway. Chaerin took a sharp intake of breath as she extended a hand out and grasped a photo between her fingers. Her gaze lowered to the corner of the paper where it marked ‘1/1/2014, 12:05am’. Tentatively, her manicured finger grazed against the image and a bitter chuckle left . Jiyong was seen with a wide grin placed on his lips while Chaerin stood behind him with a party hat resting on top of her head. She remembered that night vividly as the two members welcomed the new year. It was also the night he promised a lifetime of new year’s together.

Impulsively, she dropped the polaroid back in the box, mentally cursing herself for recollecting old memories. She didn’t need to make it more difficult than it already was. Hastily, she enclosed the lid back on top of the box and lightly tossed it behind her. In this particular case, she prayed the saying ‘out of sight, out of mind’ applied, but she knew better. How does one simply forget 10 years’ worth of memories?

Chaerin had fallen in love with him at the age of 15 upon first glance and Jiyong wasn’t oblivious about the new trainee’s crush on him but he thought she was cute (in a dongsaeng way of course). He often found her lurking outside of his studio as he prepared for BIGBANG’s debut but the adorable eye smile that Chaerin possessed had somehow consumed his thoughts and without thinking, he invited her into his studio one day. Once she settled on the leather couch, he found himself watching her from his peripheral view as a look of amusement masked her face. Since that day, he discovered Chaerin was an eager learner and both members shared similar taste in music and Jiyong would often invite her back to his studio to write songs together. In the midst of it all, he unconsciously fell for her and found himself confessing one evening and the rest had become history.

A sudden stillness consumed the room leaving a lingering feeling of emptiness Chaerin’s heart. She rubbed her arms in attempt to comfort herself but to no avail and for the seemingly 100^th time today, her mind drifted to Jiyong. She wondered how he was doing, and if he was okay but she wasn’t an idiot. Chaerin knew he wasn’t fine, but neither was she and for a brief moment, she questioned if she was ever going to be okay. It seemed utterly ridiculous but Chaerin understood, without a doubt, she would never move on from Jiyong. He was the love of her life, and no one could ever replace him.

Reluctantly, Chaerin shifted her figure around until her eyes settled back on the box, she exhaled taking the cardboard back in her arms and away from his side of the bed. The left side was always Jiyong’s side and that had been established since the beginning of their relationship. It looked stiff and unslept in, and she remembered when his strong hands would envelope around her figure at night. Who was going to hold her now? Chaerin eyed it down with a vacant expression on her face and fleetingly pondered if the blanket still smelt like his cologne.

Growing up in the entertainment industry was difficult, especially when you had to give up your childhood. While other teenagers were on a route to self-discovery, neither members were ever truly given that chance. In result, they never figured out their true identity, instead, they succumbed to becoming puppets to please social media. But despite it all, both parties were certain about one thing in particular and that’s the fact that Jiyong is a part of Chaerin and Chaerin is a part of Jiyong.

The ringing of Chaerin’s iPhone momentarily brought her out of her daze but her entire body froze upon seeing the caller ID. She watched the device ring several more times before hesitantly answering it.

“Hello?” Her tone was soft and her vulnerability could easily be heard through the phone. She temporarily loathed herself for her inability to control her emotions. Chaerin had promised herself countless times she would pull up the façade of CL when it came to dealing with Jiyong and their current breakup but at this very moment, all that could be heard through the phone was the weak Lee Chaerin. How pathetic of herself, she thought.

“Hi.” Jiyong’s voice cracked and hearing him broke the remnants of her shattered heart. He cleared his throat before continuing. “I have all your things packed up.”

There was a moment of silence and Chaerin shifted uncomfortably in her position. “I have your things too.” She mumbled, tightly gritting her teeth as she gulped down tears.

“I–” She listened as he sighed, and she knew him well enough to know he was supressing himself from breaking down. “I kept one of your shirts. I’m sorry–I just…I wanted–no, I mean I needed to keep something to memorize you by.” He told her, and when he was met with no response, he laughed bitterly before continuing. “I didn’t realize how many things you had left at my apartment, and now its become so empty. I just wanted one small thing, just so I know for sure that it was real between us–” Jiyong paused for a moment, “It was real wasn’t it?” He questioned, helplessness lingering in every word. His tone had become so hopeless, their relationship seemed to distant from his grasp that he fleetingly wondered if their love was even real.

"It was.” She confirmed. “It was real, and we were perfect.” She glanced across the room, tears flowing endlessly down her cheeks, the space was now void of Jiyong’s belongings but in her heart, his items were still strewn across her bedroom.

He sighed in relief at her response, understanding he wasn’t crazy for feeling this way. He nodded once, acknowledging their conversation was coming to an end. “I’ll stop by in a couple days to drop off your things and pick up my own.”

There was long period of stillness before Chaerin briefly mustered the ability to reply. “Okay.”

"...Okay." His voice faltered and he hesitantly cleared his throat before continuing. "I'll see you when I see you, Chae. Take care of yourself."

"I'll see you when I see you, Ji. You too."

I decided to try writing something out of my comfort zone and I hope it seemed realistic and readable LOL. Leave a comment about your thoughts