Come back to me

“But hyung!” said Junsu in annoyed voice. “We have been discussing it over and over again! You just can’t back off now!” he added. Jaejoong was so stubborn sometimes. And it made Junsu mad. Yoochun was a little bit pissed too, but he didn’t say a thing. Jaejoong was Yoochun’s best friend and he really wanted to let him decide on his own.

“I know.” Jaejoong pressed his lips together. “But… I feel that it’s not going to be as we want,” he said with defensive tone. “And it’s been quite a long time…”

“Are you thinking of these scandals again? We have been talking about this, too! We didn’t do the wrong thing!” Junsu said, very loudly. “It was him! He made you choose.”

“I know. But I was a coward. I ran away. I should have told him that…” Jaejoong started, but trailed off soon.

“Tell him what? You wasn’t sure yourself, for God’s sake! And he wanted you to pick right away! He will understand it, Jae. He isn’t stupid, after all. He is our leader and… I’m sure that Yunho will be happy.”

Jaejoong closed his eyes and put his hands over his ears. “Don’t tell his name,” he ordered and sighed. “That takes the last courage I have.”

“But will we go then, hyung?” Junsu wanted to know, jumping up and down. He had already told Changmin that they will come back. Right away. But Jaejoong had had these emotional breakdowns and he wasn’t sure what was the right thing to do.

“I quess we are,” Jaejoong finally said. Thank God he hadn’t unpack his suitcase yet. “Yoochun, Junsu. We are going back.”

-o-

“I feel bored,” said Changmin about 10th time already. Yunho sighed. “I know, Changmin. And I can’t help you,” he answered and tried to concentrate on his book again.

They had a photoshoot in 30 minutes, but at the moment they just had to wait. Yunho was quite glad, actually. It was bright there and all. He felt like in prison in their apartment. Besides, Changmin had been against putting away things that belonged to other three.

“Yunho, what would you do, if hyungs came back?” he asked suddenly. Yunho froze. He had been thinking a lot about it. At first he had hoped that they would come back, but it seemed to be unreal at that point now.

“I’d… be happy?” he said, sounding little bit uncertain. “I don’t know, Changmin. I haven’t thought about it.” He was such a liar. But doing this helped him to be over tears and sadness.

“I think that they will come. Sooner or later,” the younger guy said. “But hyung. What happened between you and Jaejoong before they left?” he asked, being serious all of a sudden.

“That… was nothing much,” Yunho said, closing the book with a quiet thud. “I’ll go and breathe some fresh air outside. I don’t feel well,” he said before leaving.

Changmin rised an eyebrow. So it was true what Junsu said. That their leader had done something.

-o-

“Come on, hyung! You can walk little bit faster, can’t you?” Junsu yelled. They had just arraived to Korea from US and they all felt tired and dizzy. “Do you want to eat something?” Junsu quickly asked, seeing how pale Jaejoong looked. “We can go to some restaurant, if you want.”

“No, I’m okay. Besides, I thought you told to Changmin already what time we will get there,” the oldest of them said and sighed hard.

“How do you know?” Junsu didn’t seemed to be embarassed at all. Jaejoong rolled his eyes.

“He has been cleaning our rooms, didn’t you notice?” Yoochun said. “I bet you left your computer open or forgot your phone somewhere that Jaejoong could easily access to your messages.”

“Hyung wouldn’t do that!” shouted Junsu in shock. “Or did you?”

-o-

“What is it, Changmin? Why can’t I go to meet our manager? I already called him,” Yunho asked. This boy had been acting weird recently.

“Well, you can’t go! Call him and tell that. Or I’ll do this myself,” he warned Yunho. “I just think that it’s pretty rare for us to have a free day and we should rest. Meeting with manager isn’t resting! You said last week that you’ll be gone for an hour, but you didn’t come home after 6 hours!”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Yunho quickly apologized. Since Junsu and Yoochun had leaved, Yunho was the only one for Changmin to talk with. It wasn’t a surprise to him that he felt lonely. Yunho felt it too, but instead of bothering Changmin or his other friends, he just did a lot of work. Wrote songs, composed music, organized their schedule.

“I’ll make you something to eat. I found Jae-hyung’s cooking book, there are really simple recipes there.” He didn’t notice when Yunho startled a little.

“Okay, fine,” the older finally said. “I’ll read my book then. I’m in my room.”

“Great, hyung. Wait for it!” Changmin said entusiastically and went to kitchen. He was really happy that he had found that book. If he didn’t, they would have been eating only ramyon forever and on.

-o-

“Oh, Changmin? We are here. Will you let us in?” Junsu said on the phone. “Mm, yeah. Is he home? Oh, great. You are cooking? Whoa. Anyway! See you in a few seconds!” he finished and the door opened. Junsu and Yoochun stepped in, but Jaejoong hesitated.

“Does he know that we are coming?” Yoochun whispered. Changmin shook his head. “I didn’t know how or should I tell it,” he said.

Junsu smiled. “I think it’s even better this way. Don’t tell him anything yet. We’ll put our things in our rooms.”

“Changmin?” Yunho’s voice floated over their apartment. “Who are you talking to?”

“Uh, it’s nothing, hyung! Just a phone!” their youngest member yelled back and looked at Jaejoong, who shivered a little. It was like he was about to burst in tears.

“Changmin…” Jaejoong said. “I’m so sorry.” He turned his face away and took some deep breaths. Changmin leaned forward and hugged Jaejoong lightly. “It’s okay hyung. “At the moment I’m too happy to be angry at you,” he said, chuckling. “Go and put your stuff in your room. Yunho is on his.”

Jaejoong slowly walked away, thinking about what he had just heard. Yunho’s voice echoed in his mind and he was about to run away again. He hadn’t spoken a word with him since the day they left.

His room was almost exactly the same. The only difference was that some of his things that used to be in Yunho’s room, were there now. And some Yunho’s things were gone. Actually, in his room, there wasn’t anything that belonged to their leader anymore. Jaejoong sat on his bed and tried to relax. He couldn’t afford himself to cry or scream. He had to be strong, even if it was just for one day. He couldn’t show how he actually felt.

“Okay, hyung.” Yoochun had came into his room. “Now you have to go and see Yunho. I didn’t say anything before but now I’m saying this to you. Go and talk. Trust me. You both need it. You have to say to him what you have been thinking and he has to tell you, why he made you pick.”

“I will do this,” Jaejoong said quietly and let Yoochun for a moment see, how he actually felt. It seemed that the other member was scared of it, but he didn’t say anything. Like Jaejoong, Yoochun realised already a while back that there were only two chances: go and talk to him or lose everything he had loved this far.

-o-

There he was, standing in front of Yunho’s door. And he had never felt so scared in his life. Never. Junsu, Changmin and Yoochun saw him standing there, but acted like they didn’t. It was Jaejoong’s problem.

Finally he knocked. It was a quiet, light knock, but Yunho heard it. “Changmin? Why are you knocking? I’m not sleeping, come in.” His voice sounded little bit surprised.

Jaejoong felt his heart beating faster than ever. He quietly opened the door and entered, saying nothing. Yunho looked at him. For a moment. Then he turned his face away.

“What do you want?” Leader’s voice had changed. It was cold and somewhat mean, even. “No, why are you here? Do you think that you can just walk in and pretend that nothing happened?”

“I…” Jaejoong’s voice had gone somewhere. He coughed. “I don’t think that,” he finally managed to say. “I…”

“Well, I don’t want to hear your apologizes. Don’t try to make yourself miserable. I don’t have time for you, I don’t have time, got it? It’s really busy time now. If you are done, please leave this house.”

Jaejoong felt his mouth hanging open. “You can’t even listen to me?” he asked.

“I can. But I don’t want to. I know everything, you were pretty clear in your interviews and blog. Yes, I followed them. And I think I’m right when I say that it’s all over. Don’t try to do something that is impossible,” Yunho said fast, still not looking at Jaejoong. He seemed to be busy with a book that was on his table. There were several other pages, probably lyrics or something like that.

“Don’t you think that we can’t go on with our lifes when we don’t talk?” Jaejoong asked.

“No, Jaejoong. I think we can perfectly manage. At least I can. I don’t want to see you. Leave this house, or I’ll leave instead,” Yunho said, looking at his bandmate for once. “Go. And take these two with you, if you want. I can manage without them too.”

“Chang-…” Jaejoong coughed a little and his lips. “But what if Changmin can’t?”

“He can do whatever he wishes to. I don’t order him around. You have ruined all the things that you had, Jaejoong. Nothing can be back to normal anymore.”

Jaejoong felt that all his strenght was gone. He just stood there and soon he wasn’t even able to stand. He was on the floor, tears flowing over his cheeks. It was so painful to him that he was almost sure that nothing can make him want to go on.

“I say that again. I don’t want to see you again,” Yunho repeated himself and turned away, not paying attention to Jaejoong anymore. He really didn’t care. It was almost easy to him. Saying that things. He felt right to hurt Jaejoong.

“Yunho,” Jaejoong whispered and tried to catch his breath. “Yunho,” he repeated, but the leader didn’t move. He acted like he didn’t hear.

-o-

He wasn’t sure, how he got away from Yunho’s room, but he was sitting on the corridor, still crying. It was cold there, so he shivered. But at least others had realised that he didn’t want anyone to come near him. Things had gotten much more worse than they were. Much more worse than he expected them to come.

Covering his face with hands, he didn’t want to do anything. He only knew that when time went on, he had to do something. He had to leave. Alone or not, it was something that he had to do. But instead of this, he would much rather cry there forever. At least he didn’t have to think.

“Sush. Get up now,” said a quiet voice after a long time. It felt like hours had passed. Jaejoong quivered because of the crying and it was hard for him to do as said. He knew that other three wanted to be good, but Yunho had just broken his heart again. And harder this time, much more harder.

“Come on, it’s okay. I’m here. Don’t cry so much, it hurts to watch.”

Jaejoong managed to get up. He wrapped his arms around the taller guy’s neck and pressed his face against his shoulder. It was Yunho’s scent.

Yunho hugged him back, tightly. “Hey, hey. Let’s go to my room, please?” He almost dragged Jaejoong there. “Don’t cry anymore. Please. Jaejoong. Jae. Don’t cry,” Yunho said several times and wiped his tears.

“Here.” He helped Jaejoong to lie on his bed and held him close to him. “I don’t want you to cry. It makes me want to cry, too. It feels like my heart is hurting,” he whispered.

“Yunho, don’t be close to me. I can’t stand it. I think I might die when you are going to push me away again,” Jaejoong said quickly all of a sudden. He had managed to stop shedding tears, but they were about to fall again. “I couldn’t be me again.”

“Jae. Get some sleep. Junsu told me that you haven’t slept properly for a week. Close your eyes. I will be here, Jaejoong. I am here. I won’t go anywhere. I won’t push you away ever again.” He pecked Jaejoong’s lips, causing other to cry again. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

-o-

Jaejoong opened his eyes. They were swollen and he felt awful. He yawned and closed here eyes again. It was warm and he could hear rain outside. It was dark, so probably it was evening. How long had he been sleeping?

He found his phone beside him. It was 8:00PM. He had slept whole day? It was about 9AM when they arrived… Jaejoong sat up quickly. He was in Yunho’s room. But why? Yunho didn’t want to see him anymore. Yunho hated him. He had pretty much said that. Jaejoong looked at his phone again.

Someone came quietly in. “Hey, you are awake?” It was Yunho. “You got some sleep, I’m glad,” he said and sat on his bed. “How do you feel now?”

“I’m…” Jaejoong was about to say ‘fine’, but that would had been a false. “I feel really sick,” he said istead and covered his face with his hands.

Yunho slowly took them away and placed kisses on both of Jaejoong’s eyelids. “I’m sorry, Jae, that I made you choose that time. I’ll never do that again. Remember? When I once, a long time ago, said that I won’t do anything, because I don’t want us five to fall apart? I was wrong. I hope you will forgive me. Because you don’t have anything to apologize for. Just be my Jae again. Don’t leave. Hit me, yell at me, but don’t leave.”

Jaejoong nodded quietly and smiled finally a little. Yunho leaned forward and kissed him for a few seconds. “Welcome back home, my little Jae,” he said and smiled too. “We are cooking. You can refresh yourself and come to eat, you have lost so much weight,” Yunho said with a worry in his tone. “Your toothbrush is in the bathroom. Changmin didn’t allow me to throw it away. I’m glad he didn’t.”

Yunho left and Jaejoong looked around. His eyes stoped at the chair beside the table. There was his favourite cardigan. He hadn’t seen it in his room. Yunho had kept it close to him. He smiled again and stood up.

I’m back, he wrote a message to Yunho.

We are back, Yunho answered, I love you, Kim Jaejoong.

“I love you too, Yunho.” Jaejoong wrote it on the paper that was on the table. It was some lyrics that Yunho had written. The title said ‘Come back to me’.