“This is insane.”

Wonshik looks at the man on the otherside of the table as he huffs and groans before promptly connecting his face towards the thick microbiology book before him. It was 4 PM on a Sunday.

The library is eerily silent; all Wonshik could hear is his pencil quietly scratching against hard paper. Light filters through the big windows behind him and hits the other man  just right, his light brown hair seemed ablaze showing the faintest hint of red. Wonshik stares just a bit more, reeling in the man's image.

Taekwoon is just so beautiful and Wonshik wonders if he’ll ever stop finding him so. Maybe never, he isn’t really so sure.

Afraid of being caught red handed for staring, Wonshik brings his gaze back to the paper, smiling faintly to himself as he drags a pencil and perfects a brow. He hears Taekwoon shuffle on his seat, fidgeting with the sleeves of his cashmere sweater. Wonshik looks up just in time to see the tendrils of Taekwoon's fine brown hair fall from the messy half ponytail that sits atop his head. His lower lip is jutting out and Wonshik senses the beginning of a petulant tantrum.

Wonshik feigns to ignore him, concentrating instead on his drawing.

“Why is this so ing  difficult?” Taekwoon starts to complain, pout intensifying. “Why are you so talented? Why am I a medical major? Why can’t I be like you?” 

Wonshik is all too familiar with this talk. They had it before after a remedial class for Taekwoon’s pharmacology. Taekwoon was extremely stressed out, claiming that he didn’t know what he’s doing anymore. In the end they resorted to drinking and it got out of hand real quick as Taekwoon got inebriated to the point that it got pretty hard for Wonshik to control himself around the older man. It wasn’t a fond memory.

Wonshik could only sigh, putting aside his drawing pad to look at Taekwoon, his heart starts skipping a beat. 

God, this needs to stop.

“Look, we're graduating next month.” Wonshik starts to pacify Taekwoon as he’s on the verge of tears, frustrated tears. “You’ve done well this past few years and I know you’d do good in med school. I know it.” Wonshik says this as he reaches out to tuck a few loose locks of Taekwoon's fine long hair behind Taekwoon's ear. Taekwoon doesn’t show any surprise at the action. Instead he smiles, his lips curling ever so slightly. “I’m glad that you’re my best friend.” 

It hurt. It hurt so damn much.

“I’m also your sleepover buddy and an occasional drinking buddy, but hey not that I’m complaining.” They share a laugh and Wonshik hides the prick of pain in his chest, it’s almost unbelievable how he’s gotten so good at it. Pretending and hiding.

“What are you drawing this time?”

It’s a half done charcoal portrait of a boy with messy hair and a warm smile. It’s Taekwoon but he will never know. 

“You need to take a break, eat something sweet.” Wonshik grabs the drawing pad and closes its cover as he stands up and adjusts his spectacles.

“But I still have to cram a semester’s worth of information. Why am I not responsible–?”

“It’s my treat.” As soon as the words leave Wonshik's lips, Taekwoon beams, his smile so wide that his teeth are showing.

“Really?!” 

> 

Fifteen minutes later they find themselves in a secluded cafe adjacent to their university campus. The tables are mostly empty except for a solitary gentleman who sits a few meters away from them. wonshik orders two slices of strawberry cheesecake, all for Taekwoon, and two cups of black coffee for the both of them.

Taekwoon begins to spear his cheesecake with a fork, shoves a considerable piece inside his mouth, and happily munches on it. Taekwoon gets cream all over his lips and Wonshik itches to wipe it away- with his lips preferably but he stops the thought almost immediately.

They continue like this for a few minutes, finally when Taekwoon clears his first plate and starts poking at the remnants of his cheesecake, Wonshik slide his share to him.

“Thanks!”

Wonshik smiles and looks away, he’s always hated the sickly sweet pastry anyway.

Wonshik brings back his stare to Taekwoon. His heart picks up its pace and he begins to think that he’ll suffer a heart attack. And maybe he should just say it, say the confession he’s perfected in his mind for so many years, the confession that’s slowly slipping from his tongue.

They are graduating in a few meager weeks and maybe this is his last chance, maybe just maybe.

No, he can’t say it.

“I have something to tell you.” Wonshik says instead and it surprises him that they say it almost simultaneously. Taekwoon flushes the lightest of pink and Wonshik finds it cute.

“You go first.”

“I…I said yes. To uh, Hakyeon.”

Wonshik has never experienced heart break. He doesn’t believe in it. He’s never believed it.

No, his heart didn’t break into tiny little pieces, he decides that it’s too romanticized and it doesn’t really happen in real life.

But this is pain that cannot be explained, like a metaphorical stab to a vulnerable part of his body, his heart maybe. Wonshik isn’t so sure because he’s hurting everywhere. Wonshik wishes that the ground open up and swallow him.

But Wonshik’s expression doesn’t betray the utter devastation he feels inside. He’s such a professional at hiding and faking whatever he felt that his impassive face doesn’t really know how to portray an emotion anymore. He hates this part of him, but right now he’s thankful for it.

“That’s great.” is what he manages to say. He wanted to say so much more, make Taekwoon take back that 'yes' Wonshik been dreaming of for years. But he couldn’t, he couldn’t because he’s only a friend.

They stay quiet, Taekwoon neglects the plate of cheese cake on the table as he folds his hands on his lap.

“What was it that you wanted to tell me?” Taekwoon questions after a few jarring minutes.

I love you.

“Remember that offer I told you about…” Wonshik starts and swallows his feelings, locks them away in a protected place where they can’t hurt him. “I accepted it, they want my art solely for their new advertisement campaign and they want me hands-on to monitor my work. I’m flying out after graduation.”

Of course it was a lie, well the accepting part at least. The offer still sits in an envelope tucked in a drawer in Wonshik’s apartment, he vowed to never open it again because he was so determined to confess and stay with the man he loves. But he thinks that it’s too late for that now. He isn’t a martyr and there’s only so much pain a person can withstand without snapping, he opted to protect himself.

“Oh.” Taekwoon looks disappointed, but he smiles, one that never quite reached his eyes. Wonshik wonders why. “So you’re leaving me after graduation.”

“No I’m not leaving you, you’re my best friend, but we need to move on with our lives, you have a new boyfriend and I’m about to marry my career.”

“Yeah, it is.”

Taekwoon laughs and it sounds broken to Wonshik’s ears.

//

Taekwoon has always been in love with Kim Wonshik. Taekwoon probably gave him his heart the moment Wonshik found him sobbing inside a classroom after a mentally taxing chemistry lecture on his first year of premed. They were strangers back then but Taekwoon found comfort in Wonshik’s soft calming voice, and in that moment Taekwoon knew.

But Taekwoon is a coward, and in the end he failed to say all the things that he wanted Wonshik to hear.

I love you.

They were more than friends but less than lovers. Their relationship was convoluted, a connection that needs no words to be understood. But in the end, they were also two people who failed to say the words that mattered the most.

Humans are complicated creatures; we have an uncanny ability to make something easy into something impossible, like admitting our feelings perhaps

Why? 

Because we’re afraid of pain. The truth behind our words is always a double edged sword and in a way to protect ourselves, we twist these words until the meaning gets lost in transition. And that in a misguided way of self-preservation, we destroy our chances at happiness and in turn ourselves.

err a bit true to life. yeah