Hello. Here it is. It's not too angsty, though. I don't know lol. Just... simple stuff. Enjoy!!

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I don’t think this is right.

There were too much things running around in her head. Jessica sighed as she realized her coffee had gotten way colder than before. She forgot to drink it. She didn’t even remember she made one. A cold coffee wasn’t her favorite. So she grabbed the glass and harshly splashed the coffee into the sink.

She was annoyed. Not solely because of the coffee, but mostly because a certain someone.

You and me. It doesn’t feel right to me.

Rubbing her forehead, Jessica walked away from the kitchen. She stopped to look at her couch where she would sleep tonight. It didn’t look so bad. Jessica liked her bed better but she had no choice. She gave her no choice.

Jessica found herself sighing as she walked to her bedroom. The light was off but she could see her clearly. The sight made her heart clench. She didn’t really know if it was a bad or good thing. Well, wasn’t it absurd having your ex-girlfriend sleeping soundly in your bedroom months after the breakup?

We don’t match each other. We don’t respect each other’s thoughts. We can’t be together.

It was true, if Tiffany spoke for herself. Because Jessica thought their obvious difference would match them together. So she clearly didn’t respect Jessica’s thoughts, Jessica’s efforts, to work things out despite all the bickering and random small fights they had. Even until now, Jessica didn’t know what she did wrong. She was dense, yes, but she wasn’t dumb. She wouldn’t blame herself for things she didn’t do.

I’m sorry.

Things felt numb for Jessica now as she bravely touched Tiffany’s disheveled hair, brushing her bangs off of her face. The smell of alcohol was still strong and Jessica was sure she would’ve scolded Tiffany if they were still together. But they weren’t anymore. Jessica basically had no right to tell Tiffany what to do. The latter wouldn’t listen anyway.

That’s why her abrupt intrusion to Jessica’s place earlier was very much questionable. Their apartments were far from each other. So Tiffany absolutely didn’t mistake Jessica’s as hers. And how much did she drink to pass out like this? Tiffany was a strong drinker. And wasn’t a dumb drunk too. It was all question marks in Jessica’s head.

Sighing again, Jessica pulled her hand back and looked at the window. She should sleep. The night was getting older and she had classes the next day. Even though it wouldn’t be easy, knowing that her ex, whom she badly despised yet wanted at the same time, was sleeping in her place, inside her bedroom, and gave her no choice but to sleep on the couch for the night. Tiffany never gave her any choice. Never.

And Jessica was stupid for just letting her.

The more she looked at Tiffany, the more annoyed she became. Pursing her lips, she walked out of her bedroom grumpily.

Let’s break up. It’s better for us.

Jessica scoffed.

Bull.

-

If Jessica was pretty pissed at Tiffany’s sudden bother in a blue moon, then Tiffany was at her highest level of embarrassment as she found herself waking up in a very familiar room, with a very familiar scent, all over the very familiar bed.

She rose from the bed immediately until she lost her balance and had to hold the bed’s edge to prevent from falling. It was dawn and she wouldn’t want to make noises. Her head was spinning so badly and she mentally screamed at herself. She should get away from there. Since the owner of the place was probably still asleep.

Composing herself, she stood up on two feet. Her belongings were placed at the nightstand and she grasped them in hurry. Tidying up her messy hair, she sloppily walked out. The door didn’t make any noise when she slowly opened it. The light was off so she couldn’t see anything, but she still remembered the way out. Of course she did.

She walked slowly and then reached the doorknob.

“You were the one who came to me,”

But ended up gasping as a voice came out of nowhere.

“And now you’re running away from me.”

Tiffany grasped her handbag tightly as Jessica appeared from the kitchen. It was dark and her somehow blurry sight didn’t help, but Tiffany was able to know that Jessica looked far from friendly. Jessica was famous for her resting face but it was just her blank face. Those people who said how scary she looked never actually saw the angry Jessica. Her resting face was nothing compared to it.

Jessica looked down to the glass in her hand when she mumbled,

“At least you could tell me first if you wanted to sleepover.”

Sleepover. Yeah, as if.

“I bothered you.” Tiffany finally spoke, her voice hoarse and was kind of sore.

Jessica nodded at that, “True.”

“I should leave.”

Jessica just shrugged. She then sat down on the couch, her back facing Tiffany, and put the glass on the table. It made Tiffany realize that Jessica had to sleep on the couch. She unconsciously sighed, and unfortunately, came out too loud because there was only silence between them at that time.

“I have aspirin.” Jessica then said, without looking at Tiffany.

Tiffany rubbed her forehead and sighed to her palm, “I should leave…”

“You’ll end up hurting yourself because of that hangover.”

What she said almost made her cringe. Jessica bit her lip. It wasn’t obvious that she actually cared, was it?

“No, I’m fine. I’ll just leave now.”

Hand trying to reach the doorknob, Tiffany tripped instead and lost her balance once more. Jessica only heard the noise and held her scoff. She then stood up and walked back to the kitchen to get the aspirin.

“Sit down.”

-

They were kind of different. Jessica realized it.

She closed her book and blatantly stared at Tiffany and her friends who were walking some meters away from where she was sitting. Jessica liked being alone. In the class, in the library, in the park, in the canteen, she was a loner. Not that she had no friend, she just liked having her me time. Meanwhile Tiffany was the opposite.

Tiffany was a people person. She had her ring of friends, but it didn’t prevent her to befriend other people, Jessica included. She was a sweet talker too, unlike Jessica who wasn’t good with words, at all. A charmer, who basically intrigued others to be close to her. Meanwhile Jessica was just… Jessica.

Swinging one of her backpack’s straps to her shoulder, Jessica stood up. Tiffany and her friends weren’t aware of her before she actually walked straight to them, and they all became frozen instantly.

Especially Tiffany.

“Hi, Jess!” One of them greeted her cheerfully.

Jessica smiled. They all liked her. When Tiffany broke up with her, they were on Jessica’s side instead of their own friend. Even though it meant nothing, since Tiffany only drifted further away from her, until that night a week ago when Tiffany suddenly came to Jessica’s place, late at night, and wasted as hell.

“Uh, guys,” Tiffany avoided Jessica’s eyes, “can we have some time alone?”

“Of course! See you later, Tiff! Bye, Jess!”

Jessica only smiled at them as they walked away and Tiffany awkwardly waved. They stood there in silence. Tiffany’s hand grasped her handbag’s strap tightly when Jessica did nothing but stare at her for almost a minute.

“What do you want?”

“Talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

The older raised an eyebrow, “Okay, so, if you want to see me you can just… absurdly come to me but when it’s my turn, you run away?”

“That night was a mistake.”

“Then explain.”

“I was--”

“Not here.”

Without waiting for an agreement, Jessica turned around and started walking. Tiffany stared at her back with a frown. But Jessica knew she soon followed her.

Room 304 was empty when they entered it. Jessica liked the room, Tiffany knew that. It wasn’t too big, but there were five air conditioners placed there. Since Jessica liked air conditioner, that class was her favorite.

Jessica dropped her backpack and book to a table and took a seat on the one beside it. Tiffany chose to sit on a chair, a little bit far from Jessica, but it didn’t matter because the class was empty.

And again, Jessica only stared and didn’t start.

“What?” Tiffany asked, irritated.

“You said you’d explain.”

The younger took a deep breath, “Okay. I was drunk. I drank too much at the party and I wasn’t in the right mind and…”

All I think was you.

“And I… went home to the wrong place.”

Jessica frowned, “What?”

“I know you must’ve been disturbed that night. But it… meant nothing. I was just… I was just drunk, okay? You know I tend to do nonsense things when I’m drunk, right?”

Yeah, I know, and you actually become a lot more honest too.

Jessica crossed her arms, “Reasons you gave me are the same as the ones you said when you broke up with me.”

Tiffany kept mum so Jessica continued,

“They don’t make sense.”

Tiffany sighed and looked down, “What is it with you?” She looked up to Jessica again, “It’s been months, Jessica.”

“And? Did the reasons change because it’s been months?”

“Why can’t just you accept it?”

“Because they don’t make sense to me.”

“Well for me, they do, and that’s it.”

“So you only think of yourself.”

Tiffany frowned even more, “And this is why I don’t want to talk to you.”

Angrily, she stood up and walked to leave, but Jessica stopped her as she grasped her wrist. Tiffany sighed in annoyance as she turned to Jessica,

“What do you want, exactly?”

“I want you back.”

Jessica couldn’t lie.

Tiffany stilled. Jessica really couldn’t lie. She was rather blunt. What she felt, she said. It was new for Tiffany knowing someone as honest as Jessica. And that was the first time an ex bluntly confessed such thing to her.

“I’m sorry.”

Hearing the words she thought she hated so much made Jessica lose her grip on Tiffany’s wrist, and soon let it go when the latter walked away. She heard her hurried footsteps, soon the door being opened, and then no more Tiffany.

Jessica closed her eyes and did nothing but stay there as she couldn’t get her ex out her mind.

-

It was raining.

Jessica looked up to the dark sky. She didn’t bring an umbrella. The parking lot was pretty far from where she was at so she’d stay in the campus for a little longer. Besides her assignments for tomorrow were already finished so she wasn’t in a hurry to go home.

Sitting down on a bench in the corridor, Jessica took out a novel from her backpack and started reading. She bought it just the day before but she almost finished it. Sometimes she hated how fast she read. She wished she could read slower to enjoy the story longer. She tried to, though. It made her dizzy instead.

“Jess!”

Hearing her name, Jessica jerked her head and saw one of Tiffany’s friends. She smiled at her and closed her book as the friend took a seat beside her.

“Hi, I’ve been looking for you the whole day.”

“Why?”

“It’s umm…” She paused for a second before, “I’m just wondering, what did you and Tiffany talk about that time?”

Jessica pursed her lips. It was two weeks ago. She was trying hard to get over it. They didn’t talk, like, talk, but it basically confirmed that Tiffany no longer wanted to be with Jessica, and Jessica had to endure the bitterness and disappointment because of that.

She was about to explain when the friend suddenly continued.

“She’s been acting really weird since then, you know? She was like that too when she broke up with you, but she then was back to normal, before she turned weird again. So we kind of… assumed it was because of the talk she had with you.”

Jessica kept silent.

“Don’t get me wrong, we don’t blame you.” She quickly said, “It’s just… weird, you know? She’s the one who asked for the breakup and yet she’s also the one who’s acting so bothered by it. I don’t know about you, because you’re too… calm but I guess you still can’t accept it, right? Because if you could, you wouldn’t talk to her that time.”

With a nod, Jessica faced front, “She’s hard to understand.”

“Yeah.” The friend agreed, “But uh… Jessica, you do realize that she obviously still likes you, right?”

Jessica grasped the book tightly. No, she didn’t.

“I’ve known her for a long time. When she broke up with her past boyfriends, or girlfriends, she took it easily. Today she broke up, the next day she got over it. And probably in just span of months she’d find a new one. It’s always like that. Rinse and repeat.”

Jessica knew about that. She heard things too.

“But this time with you, she’s different. It’s been like… months, and she still acts all uncomfortable every time we mention you, or every time she sees you. She still parties, but refuses to get to know new people, and doesn’t flirt with anyone. It’s not like her. And it’s obvious she’s still all about you.”

“Well, I’m not… really sure about that. I got dumped.”

The friend cringed, “Yeah, you did. It must’ve been bad. But it’s nothing better for Tiffany too, actually.”

The rain got heavier when both of them became silent. Jessica tried her best not to sigh not only because it seemed like she had to stay for even longer, but also all in her head was now all about Tiffany, and she hated it.

“Would you talk to her again?”

“She’s the one who keeps refusing.”

And Jessica should have some pride too.

“Yeah, I guess she is…”

Jessica leaned her back and kept mum seeing the heavy rain. Tiffany was indeed confusing. And Jessica wished she didn’t have this much free time to only think about her.

-

She stopped halfway through the stairs to take a break. Her apartment building was small and hers was on the second floor, so she took stairs instead of the elevator. She was impatient and found it useless to wait for the elevator just to get on the second floor, but she also found herself lazy as she climbed through the stairs.

Nothing was right, really.

The rain lasted way longer than Jessica thought. She ended up going home at night. She just wanted to shower and sleep. She already ate earlier.

And she obviously didn’t expect Tiffany sitting down in front of her door.

Jessica stilled and Tiffany only stared. The latter looked tired. Jessica probably looked the same too since she spent all day at the campus. After a pretty long staring game, Tiffany stood up slowly and mumbled,

“You weren’t home.”

Jessica’s shoulders sagged. Tiffany was waiting for her.

“Why didn’t you come in? I didn’t change the password.”

Jessica let Tiffany watch she tapped the password, in case she thought Jessica was lying, and opened the door for her. But Tiffany didn’t move.

“Come in.”

Tiffany shook her head instead, “No, I should leave.”

Jessica caught Tiffany’s arm before she could leave, “Tiffany. I’m tired of your push and pull game. You’ve come here, you’ve waited, at least let me do something about that. Come in.”

Softly pulling her, Jessica brought Tiffany inside. She noticed Tiffany’s relieved sigh at how warm it was. It confused her even more. So Tiffany waited in cold outside, for only God knew how long, without telling Jessica, but ended up refusing when Jessica told her to come in. This girl was really something.

Jessica uttered no word as she dropped her belongings carelessly on the table in front of the couch and went to the kitchen to make a warm, cup of tea. Tiffany’s favorite.

When she returned with it, Tiffany was still standing awkwardly behind the couch. Jessica bent down to put the cup down on the table.

“Drink. It’s still warm.”

“We broke up, Jessica.”

The older raised her eyebrows as she stood up straight again, “Yeah, I know.”

“I don’t want to go back together with you.”

“Yeah, I know. You’ve said that already.”

“Then why are we doing this?”

“Doing what?” Jessica got more confused, “We’re just talking to each other. You think we really can’t talk after we broke up?”

Tiffany sighed, “It’s because you’re confusing me.”

Jessica made a face. This was getting on her nerves.

“Look, it’s not just you who’s confused about all this, okay? You were the one who said we couldn’t be together, and I, even though can’t accept your reasons, agreed and didn’t force my own will to stay together with you. But now what? You came back to me. And when I want to know why, you just go all, ‘we can’t, I can’t, I’m sorry’ and so on, so now it’s my turn to ask, what do you want? Are you playing with my feelings?”

“I’m not! What makes you think like that?”

A scoff, “And you said I was dense.”

Tiffany opened to argue, but she held herself. They were staring at each other angrily. It really felt like the fights they had when they were still together.

“Jessica,” Tiffany started again, slowly, “I know I’ve made you upset. Many times. And it’s actually not just you who’s upset, I am too, but not to you.”

Jessica just frowned.

“I’m upset at myself for contradicting the words I’ve said to you.”

With a heavy sigh, Tiffany walked closer to Jessica and sat down on the couch. Jessica was still silent, staring down at Tiffany with her deep frown.

“When I say things like, ‘we broke up, we’re done’ and all, it’s more to myself than to you. I remind myself of what we are. What we’re supposed to be now. I know it confuses you, and I’m sorry for that.”

“Yeah, I’d like an explanation for that.”

“Why do you think my reasons don’t make sense when they’re true?” Tiffany looked up at Jessica, “I said I wanted to break up because we’re too different. It’s true, isn’t it? We’re indeed different, aren’t we? Then why don’t they make sense to you?”

“Just because it’s true doesn’t mean it’s always makes sense to me.”

Tiffany looked down again, intertwining her fingers together. Jessica waited.

“When I say we’re different, it’s not those obvious ones like our habits, our preferences, and so on. It’s actually just about one thing. One difference.”

Jessica narrowed her eyes. She didn’t understand.

“Jessica, before me, how long did your relationship with your ex last?”

The question was absurd, but Jessica answered it, “Three years. Why?”

“That’s it. That’s the difference I meant.” A sigh, “To you, a relationship means a commitment, meanwhile I hate being committed.”

Jessica knew about that. She just didn’t know to what extent Tiffany hated commitments.

“Why?”

“It’s complicated.”

“I’m listening.”

Tiffany closed her eyes, feeling pressured with the way Jessica stared down at her. She couldn’t back away this time. Jessica definitely wouldn’t let her. And she admitted she was being unfair to her ex since the first place. Jessica at least deserved an explanation, even if she couldn’t understand it.

“My parents divorced.”

It didn’t surprise Jessica. She knew. She just didn’t know the details.

“When I was eleven,” Tiffany continued, “after the divorce, I lived with my mother. It was hard enough for me to accept that my parents couldn’t stay together anymore, that my father had to live separately from my mother and I, that the three of us probably would never spend times together again. I was an only child. And all I had was my mother.”

Tiffany rubbed her palms together, too afraid to look up to Jessica. Opening up wasn’t something she was used to do.

“I thought after all those long divorce process was done, everything would be okay again. I might have lost my father, but my mother was still with me, and I’d get used to it. But, no… who am I kidding…”

When they were together, Tiffany always avoided talking about her family. Jessica wasn’t the type to push, and she’d rather wait, so they never actually talked about it. She heard things, of course, about the divorce and all, but she wouldn’t ask further, afraid of invading Tiffany’s personal space.

“My mother got depressed. She couldn’t accept the divorce. She loved my father very much. I could understand, at first. I tried to cheer her up, even though it was supposed to be the other way around. I’m the daughter, for God’s sake. I was the biggest victim there.” A weak scoff, “But it never worked. I felt like I lived with a zombie. When my father already moved on with his life, my mother just… refused to move forward. Until four years passed and she unfortunately died in that accident.”

Jessica’s eyes softened. She already knew that Tiffany’s mother had passed away but she never heard of that depression.

“Now can you understand why I hate commitments?” Tiffany asked slowly, her voice started shaking, “It scares me. Being committed in a relationship scares me. Seeing how my mother changed after the divorce… comparing her to my father who basically gave no to us again… it’s different. When you’re committed and when you’re not, it’s different. And I don’t want to end up like my mother.”

Tiffany sniffed, quickly wiped her falling tears. Jessica just stood there in silence. She honestly didn’t expect that.

“Sorry, I know it’s silly, I’m talking as if we’re married or something, don’t mind me I’m just--”

“Tiffany,” Jessica cupped Tiffany’s cheeks and bent down to kiss her forehead before sitting down beside her, “it’s not. I understand. I’m sorry.”

Tiffany still avoided Jessica’s eyes, “Why are you apologizing it’s not even your fault--”

Jessica silenced Tiffany when she pulled the younger for a tight hug. They rarely hugged when they were together, especially in public places. Jessica wasn’t touchy and Tiffany wasn’t clingy either. They cuddled most times, but hugging was another thing.

“It’s okay. I understand.”

Probably that was why Tiffany forgot how it was like being hugged by Jessica. When she buried her face on Jessica’s shoulder and felt a hand rubbing her back gently, she couldn’t hold it any longer. Tiffany rarely cried in front of others, she didn’t even remember if she ever with Jessica, but she couldn’t care less because she felt like Jessica was the one she needed the most at times like this.

Which was most likely, a bad thing.

-

Her eyes felt heavy when she finally woke up.

Tiffany found herself relieved in realizing where she was. Under the warm blanket and clinging onto Jessica for dear life. She could hear Jessica’s steady heartbeat and it calmed her. She cried a lot the night before. She was sure her eyes were swollen.

Carefully, Tiffany distanced herself slowly from Jessica to grasp her phone on the nightstand. But apparently, Jessica wasn’t asleep.

“You’re running away again now, huh.” Jessica mumbled, hugging Tiffany even tighter.

“Uh, I was just--”

“Stay.”

Jessica placed her chin on the crown of Tiffany’s head, making the latter give up and buried her face back onto Jessica’s chest. They stayed like that for some time. Tiffany thought Jessica would drift back to sleep, but seeing how Jessica had both arms around her waist and none was raised, Jessica was definitely not sleeping.

“Jessica,”

“Hmm.”

“What are we?”

“Ex-girlfriends, what else.”

Tiffany almost laughed at the bluntness, “So we’re not getting back together?”

Jessica raised her eyebrows, “Do you want to?”

And Tiffany finally let out a hoarse laugh.

Jessica just smiled hearing it before she pulled away a little and looked more closely at Tiffany, “Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah… I guess I am.”

Jessica then surged forward and gave Tiffany’s forehead another kiss. She liked forehead kisses. And Tiffany hated how her heart reacted to every kiss Jessica gave her.

“Jessica,” Tiffany started, fingers tugging Jessica’s shirt’s collar, “do you really… want me back?”

Jessica nodded.

“I’m probably not the best out there for you. I mean, we dated for almost a year, for you it was short, but it was actually the longest relationship I’ve ever had. I didn’t realize how I’ve grown so attached to you. And when I do, it freaks me out.”

Even until now, Tiffany admitted she was still very much doubtful and paranoid of a long-lasting relationship with Jessica. But that didn’t mean she didn’t want to. It just scared her.

“I broke up with you not because I don’t like you anymore. I think it’s obvious by now. I’m just… I’m not the easiest person to understand. And I thought it’s better if we break up.”

Jessica just listened.

“I want to be with you too, but what if I end up hurting you?”

Well, technically, you already did.

“Why are you worrying so much?” Jessica asked with a small smile, “We can just take things slow. I like you, you like me, then let’s stay together. That’s it. Relationships don’t always mean commitments. We just take care of each other, and trust each other.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“Then don’t think about it too much. Let’s just… go with the flow. I mean, we’re still young, we haven’t even graduated college. We’re not married. We’re just dating. I know you’re insecure, but I’m willing to go slow with you.”

Jessica might not know about it, but despite Tiffany having more ex-lovers than her, Jessica actually had most of Tiffany’s firsts. These feelings Tiffany had, especially when Jessica finally kissed her gently, she never had it with other people before. If this was how relationships were supposed to feel, then Tiffany wouldn’t want it another way.

Maybe Jessica was right that Tiffany was thinking too much. Maybe it wasn’t scary at all being emotionally attached to Jessica. Because it wasn’t just anyone else, it was Jessica. Months of staying away from each other had made Tiffany’s desires flame as she pushed Jessica slowly until she was on top of her, kissing her tenderly.

Their relationship might not be the best one they had. There could be more and more obstacles to come, they couldn’t know. They probably would last long, probably not. One of them maybe would dump the other, like Tiffany did to Jessica. They might fight way a lot more than before, even hurting each other more than they now wished they wouldn’t.

But Tiffany didn’t care. Not when she was having Jessica this close to her.

“Let’s skip classes for today,” She whispered, desperately wanted to have Jessica just for her at least for the day.

Jessica then looked at her and smiled,

“Sure.”

****