Every encouraging phrase slips passed him, jaded, hesitant, useless. Despite constant reassurances, nothing can make up for Kyungsoo's lost tears. His love cries silently with choked sounds every now and then, a pillow muffling his wails, unaware of Jongin's attentive ears. Kyungsoo has always been oblivious to Jongin's presence against the locked dorm door, never noticing how the dancer would sit against that door at ungodly hours, not allowing himself to sleep until no sounds escaped the other side of the door except silence mingling with small breaths. That was before their confessions, when they were impatient and delusional with love. 

Jongin remembers how frustrating that process was, mustering up the courage to confess, only to be rejected by Kyungsoo's protests. The vocalist has always been the sensible one, relying on reason despite the pulling forces of his heart. But the man had his limits, Jongin wasn't one to take rejection lightly, so his constant pestering pushed Kyungsoo to confess with just a brief touch of their lips. That first kiss may have lasted less than 2 seconds, but for Jongin, time had stood still. He could feel Kyungsoo quivering beneath him, his body firmly pushed against the practice room floor, doe eyes wincing almost in pain with small tears that threatened to fall. 

The sight had shocked Jongin enough to pull himself off the other in an instant, bowing his head in apology. The silence that followed was suffocating, the dancer had never felt so regretful before in his life. His mind went haywire with different terrible outcomes that could occur, but each was quickly dissolved as he felt Kyungsoo's shaky hand against his cheek. Upon looking up, Jongin was met with a red faced and tear stained Kyungsoo, bottom lip caught between his teeth as a sign of nervousness. The vocalist took in a deep breath before leaning in to finish what Jongin has started, and since that day they never wavered. 

They had troubling times of course. Being too touchy behind cameras that weren't actually unaware of them, getting into useless arguments about what they were and weren't allowed to do in the dorms and on camera. Kyungsoo was especially careful, while Jongin constantly pushed for more attention and craved the others' skin against his. 

Many of their "firsts" were on accident or took place during inappropriate situations. Like the one time Jongin pulled Kyungsoo into the nearest dressing room after their debut stage and initiated their first make out session, only to be discovered by their manager as he was still in the room laughing and fuming. Or the first time they had gotten anywhere passed kissing and slight touching, when their hands and lips wandered for too long in their shared dorm bathroom, resulting in an embarrassing from Jongin. It's a memory to laugh about now but, that was also the same day their manager decided to explain the situation to the company and the members. Fortunately for them, their members didn't hold any negative judgement, but they were given one of the most frightening talks by the company head and their manger. Their first time together however, was no accident, their was countless second guessing, awkward conversations, and even planning involved. Since their relationship was a special case, Jongin was determined to make their first time memorable and perfect. They laughed a lot as things began, but as the reality came close to occurring, some of their most heartfelt concerns were exposed, plus the glory of their first "I love you's". 

But it's been 5 years since they became official, since they dived into this mess of emotions, and their spotlight was shifting. 
Jongin mainly blames himself for the other's pain, if he had been more careful, if he hadn't insisted that they should go out that one summer night. If he had neglected the urge to go into the public. There was no need to visit another hotel, they weren't needy, they were fine, everything was fine. But Jongin was too relaxed, too careless, and now the company had sent them back to the shadows. They are already constantly regulated, watched. They are forced out of  photo shoots together, placed in different dance numbers, on opposite sides of stages, pulled apart for the sake of the company. 

Jongin never regretted his decision to love Kyungsoo, he only regretted the inability to protect his lover from this heartbreak. The scandal had shocked Jongin to the bone, but he hadn't thought of himself that day, only of Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo who is insecure, Kyungsoo who is low on self esteem, Kyungsoo who's heart is so easily affected by the smallest of actions. It was so difficult for Jongin to reassure the vocalist that he wasn't leaving him anytime soon, often his efforts led to arguments and words to be regretted the morning after. They had discussed the scandal many times, Kyungsoo was always able to pull off a smile, but the light of his eyes always dulled when the topic arose. Krystal gained attention, and they preserved their relationship, everything seemed so simple. But nothing compared to the reality, how Kyungsoo's stern and guarded facade was broken under the stage lights, how his voice shook and his eyes glistened with tears. Jongin couldn't look away, he stared and stared, despite Kyungsoo's avoidance. The one time their eyes did meet was the breaking point, he couldn't bear the pain, he was forced to look away, filled with guilt. 

They didn't speak that night, Kyungsoo just went to bed without a trace. Things weren't okay, but Jongin gave the other time, offering small touches of affection, brief kisses and hugs that felt stiff and cold. The day their manager pulled them in to discuss the progress of the scandal, the scar only dug deeper into Kyungsoo. The older appeared in China as angry and annoyed, but was still quick to tend to Jongin's injured and weak body. They never really talked, just touched, just watched. Jongin was patient though, checking up on the other in case he ever wanted to speak and clear the tension. It wasn't until a few days before their appearance in Japan that they sorted out their feelings. 

Jongin had never felt more afraid before in his life, he expected Kyungsoo to break up with him or admit to some devastating secret, but their reunion was the same beautiful apology. Kyungsoo had brought Jongin to his room, locking the door with those shaky hands, and pulled Jongin into a kiss. They didn't need to speak to know their love wasn't wavering, everything was spelled out on the mold of their lips touching. Kyungsoo held on tightly, the same quivering body of his pressing its self firmly against Jongin, it was simple but so full of emotion that Jongin could hardly think about anything else but the feeling of Kyungsoo on top of him. 

When they finally did use their words, Kyungsoo took the liberty of pecking Jongin every time he felt anxious or unsure, explaining that the dancer's lips kept his mind on the right track, the track that led to happiness. In the end, there was no break up, but tears were still shed. Jongin was the first to crack as Kyungsoo kissed him before answering whether he wanted to continue their relationship or not. The answer was clear, but his heart was flooded with relief too great to hold in. Kyungsoo's tears followed quickly after as Jongin lay unable to recollect himself. 

But even with their many talks, Jongin still always finds himself outside Kyungsoo's door, waiting for any signs of tears. This night was no different, everything was serene until a small sniffle resonated along wooden walls. Jongin readjusted his position, preparing himself for the downfall, but was unusually met with the sound of a door creaking open. The same door he leaned against every night. Before he could stand completely and turn to see the older, Kyungsoo pulled him into the room and smuggled him into a tight hug. Wet face rubbing against Jongin's back as small sobs escaped his lips. Jongin stood still, waiting for the other to make the first move. Upon hearing the small whisper of "I love you", Jongin was finally able to sleep that night.