(I have to kill myself inside…

Swallow my tears…

And put on a smiling mask…)

    Jungkook stared at the boy from across the room. Jimin’s smile, Jimin’s laugh, Jimin’s eyes… It all made Jungkook’s heart flutter. Out of the blue, strong movement jostled him out of his daydream. The black-haired boy turned crossly to tell off the intruder. His best friend Taehyung, a.k.a V, glared right back at him, wrinkling his nose cutely. They were squashed together, as Taehyung had flopped down to share Jungkook’s armchair with him. “I see you, Kook. I see you, staring at him.” Taehyung’s deep voice was half teasing, half ‘I told you so’.

    Jungkook shook his head and sighed. “I really don’t know what to do. It hurts… but it’s not his fault.” As he spoke, Jungkook watched as Min Yoongi, Jimin’s boyfriend, arrived, and Jimin happily bounced over to join him.

    Taehyung shook his head as well, eyes trained on Jungkook’s profile. “You had your chance. I told you so many times, ‘Do it now, while you have a  chance’. But no, each and every time, it was ‘No, not yet. I’m waiting for the right time’. Well, you waited too long, my friend.”

    Jungkook bit back a sharp retort. Taehyung was right, Jungkook had waited too long. But his pride wasn’t ready to admit that yet. “I wasn’t sure of how exactly he felt for me. I was biding my time, trying to figure it out before I confessed,”

    Taehyung gaped at him. “Jeon Jungkook, how dumb can you be?! You are so blind!”

    Jungkook jerked his head back, offended. He wasn’t dumb, he was a straight A’s student! (Except for English… and math… But anyway)

    Seeing his expression, Taehyung smacked himself in the forehead repeatedly. For added drama, he grabbed his hair and groan-growled in frustration. “Jungkook, I don’t mean academically dumb, I mean thick-headed and blind when it comes to people loving you!”

    “He didn’t love me! We were only friends!”

    “He practically threw himself on you!”

    “I thought that was just him being affectionate. I didn’t think…”

    “Idiot! Of course you didn’t think that! You couldn’t see how much he adored you, how much he wanted to be with you. I know you thought he was a tad bit annoying, but this was how he satisfied his need to just exist at your side. And you pushed him away. You crushed his heart. That is why he chose Yoongi. Yoongi healed him when he was broken, held him when he cried. Cried over you, cried over his heartbreak, heartache. And you never noticed. Until now. When it’s too late.”

    Jungkook averted his eyes guiltily, swallowing thickly. He could feel eyes on him. Their argument had drawn the attention of their dormmates. Peeking up through his lashes, Jungkook could see Jimin and Yoongi watching him. Jimin looked worried. His eyes jumped to Taehyung, who looked, well, annoyed. “I’m sorry, hyung,” he whispered around the lump in his throat. He truly had been unaware, but now that he knew how much he had hurt Jimin, he was angry at himself. Maybe even hated himself. Jungkook stood up and fixed his shirt, before walking out, forcing himself to take his time.

    Once out of the room, Jungkook jogged slightly, grabbing his jacket as he passed the coat hook. He paused by the the student check-in/check-out book. He didn’t know where he was going or what he was planning on doing. It really depended on where he found himself walking. Running a hand through his black hair, he turned and continued on his way, leaving the paper empty.

    The streets were dark and cold as Jungkook wandered down them. His feet guided him, everywhere and nowhere in particular. Suddenly, he stopped. Why he stopped, he didn’t know - his eyes were closed. Blinking them open, he realized he was standing on the bank of the Han river. He sighed and carefully sat down on the edge. Staring into its depths, he mind was blank. Hearing laughter, he looked up - to see a boy and a girl, a couple, running past holding hands, waving sparklers. They looked at each other with so much love. Jungkook’s heart ached. 

    Heaving another sigh, Jungkook returned to moodily staring at the river. Its depths looked deep and inviting. A voice broke into his thoughts. “Young man, do you mind if I join you?” He glanced over his shoulder. A woman who appeared to be in her 60s seated herself beside him. “You look like you need a listening ear.” Jungkook nodded slightly, studying his sneakers. “So tell me, what is a boy like you doing out at this time of night?”

    Jungkook cursed his shaky voice as he responded, “Well, I needed fresh air to clear my mind, and time to process what my friend just told me.” She nodded empathetically, but didn’t speak. “He told me… My friend told me… that our other friend loved me. I pushed that other friend away because I couldn’t see how he felt. Now I’ve realized my own feelings for him, he’s dating someone else. I don’t know what to do.”

    The woman nodded. “I understand. My advice to you is to move on. If it is too difficult to do around that person, and it is possible, remove yourself.” Jungkook gazed at the woman, then back at the water. He heard her stand up and leave, and he turned his head to thank her. But she was gone. Jungkook knew what he needed to do.

    He would return to his parents in Busan. He would attend university there. He would miss Taehyung, of course. But he would move on. No Jimin to break his heart. No Yoongi to cause him pain. No Taehyung to talk his ear off about something dumb.

    Jungkook pushed himself to his feet and headed to the bus stop.