Chanyeol cannot pinpoint the exact date, time, and moment he started losing what he was feeling. He cannot determine the reason of his sudden falling out. It was the first time in five years that his heart did not beat for the charming lad he grew to love.

And grew to unlove.

He didn’t like it. The feeling of emptiness when Baekhyun hugged him or kissed him or even talked to him. Don’t get him wrong, he still cared deeply for the boy, but he didn’t love him. Chanyeol wondered if love was required to care for a person because he was proving it otherwise. Baekhyun was ever considerate, kind and to sum it all up, Chanyeol thought Byun Baekhyun was perfect. Chanyeol also thought that Byun Baekhyun was the perfect person to love, but not by him.

He was surprised one day to hear the words slip out of his own mouth like it was the easiest thing to say, the easiest thing to hear.

“I don’t feel anything for you anymore.”

Chanyeol’s eyes immediately placed themselves on Baekhyun’s face. He could hear his heart breaking as the other boy’s face turned white and his eyes started to water. Chanyeol wanted to take Baekhyun in his arms and whisper apologies and promises, but he remembered that he only cared for Baekhyun. He just didn’t want Baekhyun to be in pain because that’s what caring was, right?

He watched as Baekhyun put his head down in a futile attempt to block his face. Chanyeol wanted to laugh at this because he’s memorized that face already, that even if he couldn’t see it, he’d know where each part was. However, Chanyeol was not familiar with the expression that adorned Baekhyun’s face. He has seen Baekhyun in pain before, but not like this. Not because of him.

On that day, Chanyeol thought it was his heart he heard breaking, maybe it was Baekhyun’s after all.

Chanyeol has tried.

Believe him, he has tried over and over again to try and get back the love he used to have for Baekhyun. Every moment of every day after the break up, he tried to find the feeling of wanting to go back to Baekhyun and apologize and beg him to come back to his life.

But he couldn’t.

‘Why? What happened Park Chanyeol? Why did you suddenly feel like this?’ Chanyeol thought to himself as he sipped on his morning coffee. He has just gone back from his night shift and he was dead tired, but he couldn’t sleep. Guilt was eating him up and he felt like he was the worst person to live for hurting someone as kind and as precious as Baekhyun.

“So this is what it feels like when they describe it in those dramatic novels,” Chanyeol mumbled as he stood up and placed his empty mug on the sink. He jumped in surprise when the doorbell suddenly resounded in his apartment.

“I’m coming!” Chanyeol screamed as he wiped his hands on a towel. He ran to his door and opened it.

‘”Baekhyun...” Chanyeol whispered as his mind quickly registered the face of the person in front of him. His eyes darted downwards to see Baekhyun carrying a box and he immediately recognized the sweater he lent the lad on one cold winter day. He frowned; Baekhyun didn’t have to go to this extent.

“I’m only here to return this. I thought you’d appreciate so many of your things back,” Baekhyun said as he held up the box. Chanyeol took the box from the boy’s hands, “You didn’t have to, you could have thrown them away.”

Chanyeol felt his hesitation when he reached out his hands to grab the box from Baekhyun. Deep inside he wanted Baekhyun to keep it, to be able to reminisce on their memories — to keep a part of him.

“I swore to myself I’d return your things if ever we broke up,” Chanyeol wondered if Baekhyun expected this.

“I wanted to return these because I don’t want to throw them away. I wanted you to have it again that maybe, someday, they’ll be lent to another person, the person you love.”

Chanyeol wanted to cry. Baekhyun was so kind, so loving, and so considerate that even in the state of pain, he still wished for Chanyeol’s happiness. Chanyeol wondered even more on the exact reason why he chose to let go of this amazing person. What did he do to be loved by someone as perfect as Byun Baekhyun?

“Then, do you want me to return your things?” Chanyeol asked, “Just to be fair?”

Somehow he felt relieved when Baekhyun shook his head. Maybe he wanted to keep something too, something to remind him that he fell in love once with someone so amazing.

“No. Don’t do that. When you return those things, all I’m going to do is remember. You know me, I could never forget, I only remember.”

Chanyeol’s breath hitched at this. He felt the guilt rapidly crawling up once again. How could Baekhyun remember when Chanyeol has already forgotten? The feeling of loving — Chanyeol does not remember anything, “Baekhyun, I-