All Seungri ever wanted was to let everyone know that he was here, that he had been here. It was his greatest fear to be forgotten, to be easily discarded in favor of the other band members, in favor of the others that shined far brighter and larger than he could ever attempt to. He had fought tooth and nail to get here, practiced endlessly from morning to night and even to morning again. He had worked his off, trying to impress the others, trying to belong, to be welcomed.

He never wanted to be forgotten.

He wanted to let everyone know that he was here.

Dong Youngbae was the first friend Seungri ever made in YG. The muscled man had come on to Seungri as this big, intimidating guy with a “Hurt my friends and I’ll break your bones” personality. Seungri was wrong in all accounts, save for the last one.

Youngbae was caring and motherly and never failed to be a crying shoulder or a willing ear to whoever needed it. He was there when Seungri was eliminated from BIGBANG, to be a friend when no one else was willing to be. Youngbae had been there through the ups and downs of it all, through the nominations and the awards, the terrible dance practices and the early morning dinners, the sleepless nights and the long, boring days. Youngbae was more than a friend than Seungri ever thought he could be.

Seungri, in turn, tried to repay such kindness in his own little ways. He knew that he was not as charismatic and handsome as Seunghyun or as talented as Jiyong; his jokes were terrible when compared with Daesung’s. So, with nothing but himself to offer, Seungri repaid Youngbae’s kindness by letting himself be play-bullied by the elder.

He let himself be hit playfully on the head, to be caught in a headlock and be the receiver of too tight hugs that turned into wrestling matches by Youngbae. He braved the embarrassment because, after all, Youngbae had been there when no one else was.

It didn’t matter that, when Youngbae hugged him a little too tight, his already shallow breathing became even shallower. It didn’t matter that, when Youngbae placed him in a headlock, Seungri saw white. It didn’t matter as long as his Youngbae was happy; that was enough for Seungri.

Choi Seunghyun was the second friend Seungri made. Aside from sharing the same first name, there was nothing else that was similar between the two. As Seunghyun was tall, Seungri was short. As Seunghyun was confident and charismatic, Seungri was awkward and failed in making people laugh. Yet, even though Seunghyun seemed cold and uncaring, he was the mere opposite. Seunghyun was the only one who celebrated with Seungri when he finally made it to BIGBANG.

Even though that was the only memory Seungri had with Seunghyun, it mattered so much to the maknae, more than anyone else will ever know. It was this memory that Seungri thought when he felt utterly mortified when Seunghyun kissed him in their parodies. It was this memory that Seungri thought when the other members kept on bringing up the kiss on live programs and made him the laughing stock of Korea.

It made Seunghyun laugh and grin and less cold and more warm when Seungri was being laughed at, so Seungri braved it all with a tight smile. Even though it hurt inside, even though the derisive and mocking laughter of the audience clawed at Seungri, it didn’t matter. His pain didn’t matter, even if it was both physically and emotionally.

 It made Seunghyun ecstatic; it was more than enough for Seungri.

Kang Daesung was the third friend Seungri made. Their friendship, at the start, was tremulous and fragile. There was a great awkwardness between them, more so when they were made roommates. Seungri had no idea where the awkwardness came from. They hardly interacted and the words often used were along the lines of “Please pass the salt” and “They need you downstairs”; hell, fights between them were nonexistent, seeing as they barely talked to each other enough to even start a fight.

It was, perhaps, when they had won their first award that the two finally shared a moment. Blame it on the euphoria or the thrill or the whatnot, but that night, Daesung hugged Seungri. It was the first time that they had physically connected, and from there on, the awkwardness dissipated. They grew closer, more than Seungri ever thought was possible between them.

It was even made more so when Daesung had his terrible car accident. BIGBANG’s smiling angel had gone through something that erased the smile from his face. So, it was here that Seungri began his mission, to return that smile on the angel’s face, to make Daesung forget the pain and the dark memories because Seungri knew what it felt like to be in the dark; he knew what it felt like when death stared at you in the face. Even though no one laughed at his jokes, Daesung did. Everyone else would groan and roll their eyes but Daesung laughed because Daesung was Daesung, and Daesung wouldn’t be Daesung if he didn’t smile and laugh at everything.

Even when his hyungs scorned and ridiculed him for his ridiculous and humorless jokes, Seungri bore it all because he made Daesung smile and laugh. Daesung’s happiness was reward enough for Seungri, in spite of the growing hopelessness he felt.

Kwon Jiyong was the last and the most important friend Seungri had ever made. He was also the most difficult person to befriend. It wasn’t because Seungri disliked him or anything. No, Jiyong was someone Seungri aspired to be, to model himself after. It was just sad that Jiyong disliked Seungri. This wasn’t like his early friendship with Daesung, where there was only awkwardness. When it came to Jiyong, there was this hint of disappointment and disapproval directed at Seungri, even when the hurting maknae gave all he had to impress him, to welcome him.

Jiyong was well-liked by everyone. The managers and higher-ups called him “respectful and hardworking”; the stylists called him “funny and friendly”; even the other three members loved Jiyong, saying he was “one in a million” and “a fantastic leader”. It was quite obvious that Jiyong was loved by everyone and that he, too, loved everyone. Except for him. At this, Seungri had no idea why Jiyong hated him.

Was it because it was him, and not Hyunseung, that was placed in BIGBANG? The thought of it made Seungri sad. He never liked it when people hated him. It hurt more when it came from someone Seungri admired so much, from someone Seungri looked up to.

So, Seungri did what he could: to do his best and avoid mistakes, to be perfect and not trouble the others. Maybe then, Jiyong would love him, too. So, Seungri stays up all night to perfect his dance moves and practice his vocals. So, Seungri foregoes breakfast, lunch and dinner in favor of working. He pushes his already tired and failing body to the limits so that Jiyong wouldn’t hate him, so that Jiyong wouldn’t be disappointed in him, so that Seungri wouldn’t see the longing of Hyunseung in Jiyong’s eyes.

It worked.

His pushing his body to the limits worked and Jiyong’s cold heart thawed.

It started small, with a little “Please” here and a little “Thank you” there. Then, it progressed to Jiyong patting Seungri’s back after a day’s hard work and to a “You did well, maknae” that leaves Seungri in high spirits. Jiyong’s icy words melt and his glares turned into looks of love. Pats turned to hugs, “Lee Seungri” turned to “Maknae is mine” and Seungri has never felt happier than he thought he could be.

Yet, something was still missing. He had made Jiyong proud and happy, but not that happy. Not the kind of happiness that he had left in Youngbae, in Seunghyun and in Daesung. He had touched Youngbae with his kindness, touched Seunghyun with his patience and touched Daesung with his humorless jokes. He made Jiyong happy, yes, but he hasn’t touched him.

So, Seungri dug deeper and fell into Jiyong’s world. He explored Jiyong’s world, explored the darkness and the pain and the longing and the wishes and the hopes he found there. He bore the anger, the screams and the tears. Bringing Jiyong’s ghosts to light hurt Jiyong, and it hurt Seungri too but he did it anyway, because he wanted his leader to be happy. Seungri was going to make it all better and, one day, Jiyong would finally be, truly be happy.

He was there for Jiyong when the scandal came to light. He was there when news broke out and BIGBANG and Jiyong and everyone Seungri has ever loved and came to know as family were put to test. He was there for Jiyong when the man broke down, when the man finally admitted that, yes, he had inhaled . He was there when Jiyong faced his punishment. He was there through the pain and the sadness and the anger.

He was there, and it was then that Jiyong gave Seungri his heart.

He opened Jiyong’s heart, something no one has ever done before. He opened Jiyong’s heart and found himself there, covered in a swath of love so strong and so thick, Seungri could never rid it from Jiyong.

Seungri finally realized what was missing: his heart.

Seungri made Jiyong happy, truly happy, by opening his heart, by opening it to his leader and, yes, if Seungri was all that was inside Jiyong’s heart, then it was Jiyong that was inside Seungri’s heart.

Jiyong is finally happy and Seungri had done his best. Hugs turned to kisses, “Maknae is mine” turned to “I love you, Lee Seungri” and “Jiyong-hyung” turned to “I love you too, Kwon Jiyong”. The darkness and pain in Jiyong fades and was replaced by Seungri’s love and it made Seungri so happy that not even his failing health could dampen it.

“I was here, Jiyong! I was here!” Seungri shouted as he jumped up and down the famous Walk of Fame in Hollywood Boulevard, a bright smile on his too pale face and his too dark eye bags.

In response, Jiyong would reply, “Yes, you were here, maknae. You were here,” and, before Seungri could embarrass him and the band, he would grab the panda of a maknae and hold him to himself, kissing Seungri to shut him up.

Seungri had touched the hearts of his hyungs, touched their hearts and left little marks on them. He left parts of himself in them, the largest part he gave to Jiyong, so that they’ll remember him, that Seungri has proof that, yes, he was here.

Time was running out.

The coughing was too much to hide.

The blood stained handkerchiefs were beginning to get suspicious.

His lack of energy and constant state of exhaustion made his hyungs worry.

Seungri had done all he can.

It was when BIGBANG won the “Best Worldwide Act” at the 2011 MTV EMAs that Seungri realized his time was up. Maybe if he had cut his body a little slack, he would have made it. Maybe if he had worked less and rested more, he wouldn’t have dug his own grave. Maybe if he had taken better care of himself, his sickness wouldn’t have reached further down than medicine could ever reach. Maybe, but Seungri wouldn’t change anything.

He finally made everyone happy. He finally found love.

In that moment, standing before the audience at the MTV EMAs, standing before other renowned and successful artists and winning the “Best Worldwide Act” with the people he came to know as family, Seungri could finally admit it to himself.

“I was here.”

“Seungri! We won! WE WON!” Jiyong screamed as the man hugged the maknae too tight. Seungri hugged back, relishing the warmth, the safety, the feel of Jiyong.

His vision was blurring.

His breathing was slowing down.

His skin was freezing.

“I was here, hyung. I was here.” Seungri muttered tiredly, closing his eyes. Everything was shining so bright, so gloriously bright that it hurt Seungri’s eyes. He snuggled closer to Jiyong’s embrace, his form shivering.

“We won, Seungri! Why aren’t yo—Seungri, are you alright?” Jiyong’s voice took a concerned tone as Seungri trembled in his arms.

“I was here.” The noise of the audience’s applause was growing silent.

“Seungri!”

“I was here.” The light didn’t hurt so much anymore.

“Seungri, answer me!”

“I was here.” The pain was beginning to lessen.

“Guys, it’s Seungri. He’s not answering me and he’s not well!”

“I was here.” The exhaustion was beginning to diminish.

“Seungri, baby. Baby, I’m here. Answer me, please?”

“I was here.” Seungri had done all he could. He hoped it was enough, that he had made everyone happy, and that he had left the world a little better. Seungri was here, and now it was time for him to go.

“Yes, you were here, baby. You were here.”

“I just want them to know
that I gave my all, did my best,
brought someone some happiness;
left this world a little better,
just because I was here.”