It was just another day at school—every day seemed to feel like this—and I sat hugging my legs against my lockers with my usual group of friends around me. They laughed and talked animatedly about what they did over the weekend and mediocre topics that I always found hard to wrap my mind around. I was seldom included in their conversations, so much that in order to feel “in” I’d have to force myself to talk, whether the topic suited my tastes or not. Behind my empty words were thoughts that I wanted so much to share, feelings that poked at my heart to escape. They’re my friends, right? They would care if I told them. As much as I wanted to think that, I couldn’t find the courage to say anything.

                “Did you watch Super Junior’s Sorry Sorry MV?” Seungyeon gushed, hugging her agenda that was decorated with stickers of her favourite Super Junior member, Eunhyuk. I laughed a little, trying to stay interested. It wasn’t that I didn’t care—and believe me, we’re all die-hard ELFs—it was just that there was too much on my mind. I was being weighed down by an invisible burden even I had trouble indentifying.

                “Of course! Sungmin was so cute!” Nicole smiled, clapping her hands together excitedly while her eyes dazed off into a fantasy world of her own, probably imagining her bias doing aegyo for her or something. The two of them were like this every morning and afternoon; too caught up with their fangirling to notice my subtle cries to be heard, to be worried for.

                “They’re making it into a ballad. Sorry Sorry Answer,” I added, trying to keep up with them before the bell dismissed me from trying even harder to feel normal. I obviously didn’t feel normal anymore, but no one else saw that change in me.

                “They are?” Nicole gasped; she was always the most outdated one. Seungyeon only nodded, digging through a folder for her homework. The bell was going to ring any second now and I couldn’t wait to escape from them for even one period. I usually felt comfortable around them, but lately, it hasn’t been like that.

~~~

                “Where’s Nicole?” I wondered, looking around the foyer before sitting on the bench with nothing but my folders for my afternoon classes. Seungyeon has a thermos of noodles she began eating and made a big gulp noise before answering,

                “She’s buying lunch.” She stared at me for a while before asking, “Where’s your lunch? You haven’t been eating lately.” I was scared that they would notice. It’s been two weeks since I stopped eating at lunch, and it wasn’t because I had no food,I just hate feeling fat I just don’t feel hungry anymore.

                “Don’t worry; I eat a lot when I get home from school every day.” I lied to ease her suspicions and looked nervously away. Seungyeon wasn’t the type to push accusations further than they naturally went, but Nicole was another story. She joined us a few minutes after lunch started, holding a plate of greasy cafeteria pizza and a bottle of cranberry juice. Her choice of diet was conflicting, but she ate it silently and happily. I watched her, glancing once in a while and cringing with every bite she took. I felt like my stomach was crumbling, and I couldn’t deny the fact that I was hungry.

                “Oh, we made cookies in foods today. Want some?” Seungyeon remembered, pulling out a brown paper bag with translucent grease marks staining the bottom. She opened the top and offered it to the two of us. Nicole gladly took one; smiling with her cheeks full of pizza in a way that made her look like a chipmunk and for a second I envied her for being able to eat as much as she pleased. Seungyeon paused holding the bag in front of me and I stuttered,trying to hold my hands back from grabbing a chocolate chip cookie. The smell was starting to spread and I couldn’t hide how much I wanted to eat it. Before the silence got too awkward, I politely grabbed one while returning a smile and stared at it.

                “Hey, these are really good!” Nicole complimented with an approving thumbs up. She was long done with her pizza and her cranberry juice was half consumed. I on the other hand had yet to take a bite. The morsel of food in my hand seemed to stare mockingly back at me. In my eyes, the small chocolate chips turned into balls of grease and fat. Before I got too dizzy, I impulsively took a small bite and it felt like heaven. I wasn’t sure how long it was since I had something so high in sugar content, but it seemed to satisfy more than my taste buds. Without thinking I devoured it in a second.

                “You look really hungry, do you want some more? Don’t wait until you get home.” Seungyeon offered, lifting her paper bag of cookies towards me again. It felt like I was being possessed when I grabbed another one, eating it immediately. After the third cookie I regained some sense and felt more disgusted with myself than ever. Those ounces of fat in the bag that was oozing with grease was now inside of me. I wanted to puke.

                “They’re good right, Hara?” Nicole asked, washing with the rest of her cranberry juice. I watched as the lump in disappeared, and then I remembered that she was asking me a question. I smiled and nodded, not sure if my appropriate time frame to answer had passed already or not. Awkwardly, I turned away from the two and just stared outside the window. Everyone was either eating or done eating, throwing napkins onto the floor as if the school property was a litter box. At least the cookies would keep my stomach from growling during afternoon classes.

~~~

                By the time I got home, I was so loaded with newly assigned homework that I almost forgot about my mishaps during lunch time. My stomach was feeling uneasy because I hadn’t eaten properly in over two weeks of those disastrous cookies from lunch. I threw my backpack sloppily on the floor beside the shoe stand and sprinted to my bathroom, knocking my shoulder against the door knob as I did. The excruciating pain I felt for a second was not enough to distract my thoughts of how disgusting I was. I knelt down in front of the toilet bowl and stared into the clear water, trying to see a reflection of myself. My stomach churned uneasily again and I knew I had to force the gross content out somehow. Would puking it out work? Just staring into the toilet in such a setting was enough to get me going, but something felt extremely wrong about this. Still, I reached my finger into my mouth, ready to poke my throat for that aggressive pulse to force everything in my stomach out, but I paused. This wasn’t right. My hand dropped back down to my side and I got up, now facing my washroom mirror. I touched the side of my cheek, examining the baby fat that never left me. The longer I stared, the fatter my figure seemed to have grown. I shifted sideways to examine the bulge of my stomach. My hands felt it, and curiously, I poked my stomach. A few years ago I was extremely athletic and even developed pretty nice abs, but that was all history now. I’m fat. This is my reality.

A/N: Remember this is CLOSELY based on a true story ^^! In real life, this all happened in grade 9, our last year of Junior High and it was also the time we started getting into KPop. Super Junior was my first obsession so that's why the characters in this story are all ELFs :P (And Sungmin was my bias kekeke) Hope this chapter wasn't too boring. I don't think this will be a very long fanfic, but maybe it'll hold a more powerful message.