I couldn’t remember how long I had been lying awake in bed. Hours might have gone by without my knowledge. My body felt numb. My face was swollen because of all the tears I shed that night. I could see the sun peeking through the curtains.

I could hear my phone ringing. It was lying right next to me. I kept checking my phone for messages throughout the night. I was hoping Johnny would say something to me, but he hadn’t contacted me at all. Was this how things were going to end between us?

I blindly reached for my phone. The name of one of my fellow group members was flashing across the screen. I sighed as I picked up the phone.

“Hello?” I answered. “Y/N, don’t forget our rehearsal today. You have to be there in an hour!” she said. My members knew that I was the type to be late, so they always made sure to call me beforehand. “Don’t worry. I’ll be there,” I said as I hung up the phone. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone.

I groaned as I realized that it was time to get up. I had to get ready for rehearsal. We had a concert later tonight. Part of me wasn’t really looking forward to it. I knew NCT would be coming to watch us perform. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see him.

As I went through my morning routine, I couldn’t help but let my mind wander. I couldn’t stop thinking about last night. It kept replaying over and over again in my head. I wonder if it was wrong of me to get mad at him. You can’t expect someone to love you after all. I just thought that there was truly a connection between us.

I could feel myself getting more and more stressed. How were things going to continue from this point onwards? Was he going to leave me? Maybe I made a mistake by saying I loved him.

All these thoughts kept racking my brain.

Somehow I managed to not mess anything up throughout the entire rehearsal. My mind wasn’t really there. It felt like my body was just going through the motions. My members had noticed the absent look in my eyes. They kept on asking me if something was wrong, but I told them everything was fine. This concert was important and I couldn’t afford to make everyone worry about me now.

The entire day my mind was occupied by Johnny. The concert was about to start and I saw some pictures of NCT arriving at the venue. Johnny was among them. He was wearing one of my favorite shirts on him. He looked amazingly handsome, like usual. His expression didn’t reveal any emotions from what happened last night. He seemed to be doing fine, but he was probably hiding his true feelings. That’s what I was hoping for at least.

I tried to look for him in the crowd when the concert started, but it was impossible to find him. The lights were blinding my eyes and the crowd was too big to be able to spot anyone.

I tried to push him out of my thoughts and actually enjoy the concert. I couldn’t let my fans down, I had to try my hardest tonight.

I pushed myself through song after song. I sang my heart out like I had never done before. I danced like my body wasn’t fatigued at all. Our concert was slowly coming to an end. There were only a couple songs left to perform. The next one was a ballad. A love song to be exact. A song which reminded me of him. Johnny and I met each other when my group was promoting this song. He would sing this song to me as a lullaby.

The stage lights were dimmed and the spotlights were shining on us. The entire crowd was lit up with our group’s light sticks. It looked like a sea of stars.

I could hear the soft piano tune starting. I decided to let go and fully immerse myself in the song. I couldn’t help but think of Johnny while singing.

Halfway through I could feel my eyes prickle with tears. No, I can’t cry right now. I had to stay strong for the fans, so I tried to hold them back. My effort was futile as I felt a tear run down my cheek. I tried to sing my part of the song, but I couldn’t make a single noise. I turned around so the fans wouldn’t have to see me cry. I tried to hold back the sobs, but a few still managed to escape.

I felt a member sling an arm around my shoulder and hug me. ‘We know something has been on your mind. It’s alright if you don’t want to tell us. We just want to make sure you’re fine,’ she tried to say over the noise of fans who were trying to cheer me on. I nodded my head and hugged her back. ‘Thank you, I appreciate it,’ I said in response.

I wiped my tears and tried to compose myself the best I could. I continued singing the rest of the song shakily, but I made it through. I was disappointed in myself for crying. I didn’t want to let him know that he was my weakness. I didn’t want him to know how much he truly affected me.

I left the stage as soon as the concert was over. It was suffocating to be there.

The next couple of days were filled with articles about the concert. It was a success and I was incredibly proud of the members. There were articles about me as well. I tried to avoid them out of embarrassment, but it didn’t really matter. All that mattered was that Johnny had seen me cry in front of an entire crowd because of him.

A week had gone by and he had yet to talk to me. I was starting to think that he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I sighed as I lied in bed. It was 2 AM and it was raining outside. Somehow it matched my mood. It was hard to sleep without him by my side. I refused to reach out to him. I know I was just being stubborn, but he hurt my feelings and I didn’t know how to deal with the entire situation.

I checked my phone for any messages, but there were none.

I was starting to feel drowsy when I heard someone knocking on the front door. I rubbed my eyes and stood up with a confused expression on my face. Who could be here in the middle of the night? I walked towards the front door and cautiously opened the door. In front of me stood a soaked Johnny with an unreadable expression on his face. ‘We need to talk,’ he said as he gently pushed me backwards so he could enter.

I stayed silent and let him enter. He closed the door behind him and made his way towards the living room where I had taken a seat on the couch.

I waited for him to talk.

He sighed as he took a seat beside me. He made sure to leave a space between us. It stayed silent for a couple seconds. I could see him struggling to gather the words he wanted to say to me.

‘I ran away out of panic,’ he started. ‘I want you to know that none of this is your fault. You’re one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met.’ I didn’t reply, but I nodded my head to let him know that I acknowledged him.

‘I don’t know how to explain this. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to say I love you too. It caught me off guard and honestly it scared me.’

‘Why did it scare you?’ I wondered.

‘Because I don’t know if I can give you that kind of security. I understand that you want certainty and consistency in this relationship, but what if one day you wake up and suddenly feel differently about me? What if you realize that you never really loved me at all?’

‘That’s not going to happen, Johnny,’ I tried reassuring him.

‘You don’t know that. You can’t give me that kind of consistency. Nobody can. I’m not saying that I doubt your feelings, but I want you to understand that these words carry a heavy meaning. Even though I can’t tell you I love you too right now, it doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you. It doesn’t mean my heart stops skipping when you look at me like that. There’s no need to worry when you see just where we’re at. I don’t want these three words to validate our relationship. I don’t want us to end over something like this. I care about you way more than I could ever show you. Just give me some time. There’s no need to rush this. One day I will be able say I love you too. I can promise you that.’

‘How can you be so certain?’ I asked skeptically.

‘Because I’m already falling for you and it won’t take long for me to be in love with you too.’

I smiled at his answer. He was right. These words meant a lot and I couldn’t expect him to return them as if it were nothing. I was glad that he was taking our relationship seriously.

‘Also, I’m sorry for making you cry.’ I groaned as I recalled the night of the concert. ‘It was so embarrassing, I felt like dying,’ I complained. ‘It hurt my heart to see you like that, especially since it was my fault, but I couldn’t help but think you looked cute while crying,’ he teased. I closed the gap between us and hit his chest. He laughed. ‘There you go. I was wondering when you would return to being the old you,’ he said as he winked at me. I shook my head and chuckled.

‘I’m glad to have you here with me again,’ I said softly. ‘And I’m not going anywhere anytime soon,’ he replied as he pulled me towards him. He looked me in the eye as if he was asking for permission to kiss me. I nodded my head and he softly placed a kiss on my lips.