It had been a quiet and peaceful night. We were sitting next to each other on the couch, watching a movie. I was leaning against his chest and I could hear his heart beat and soft breathing. His chin was resting on top of my head and I could feel him playing with a strand of my hair. This was one of those moments where everything felt right. I felt safe and comfortable with him right beside me.

I wasn’t really interested in the movie. My mind kept wandering towards the guy who was holding me close to him. We had been dating for six months now. He treated me well. He made me feel loved and always tried to be there for me, despite our busy lifestyles. Yes, we were both idols. We tried to keep our relationship hidden from the public, because we thought this would be the safest thing to do for the both of us. We knew how crazy and possessive some fans could get.

There were moments when I couldn’t help but wonder how he truly felt about me. Did he think about me just as much as I did? Did he care for me just like I did for him? Did he love me the same way I loved him? I was scared that perhaps I was moving too fast. Maybe I was on a completely different page than he was. I was ready to tell him I loved him, but part of me couldn’t help but feel scared that he couldn’t return these feelings of mine.

I looked up at him. He was transfixed by the scene that was unfolding in front of him. He always frowned slightly whenever he concentrated on something. The colors of the screen were reflecting in his eyes and it made it seem like his eyes were sparkling. It was hard to take my eyes off of him. His long eyelashes and deep gaze were mesmerizing. A small piece of hair had fallen in front of his eyes. I moved my hand towards his face and gently pushed it out of the way with my index finger.

This seemed to break the invisible spell that had been casted on him. He blinked and slowly turned his head towards me. He noticed that I had been watching him silently. He placed a soft kiss on my forehead. “I know I’m handsome, but am I so handsome that even the movie can’t steal your attention?” he said while chuckling. I lightly hit his chest in response. “Don’t get too cocky. I was just getting lost in my own thoughts, that’s all,” I said as I tried to make an excuse for my awkward staring. “What were you thinking about?” he wondered. “I was just thinking about us and everything that has happened in the past six months,” I replied. “Is that a good thing or should I start worrying?” he said while feigning concern.

I pretended to be thinking about the situation. He gasped out loud. “Are you breaking up with me?” he asking in a joking manner. I hit his chest again, but slightly harder than the last time. “Ouch, I understand you want to hit on me, but could you be slightly more gentle?” He rubbed his chest and pretended to be in pain. I stuck out my tongue in response. He laughed and ruffled my hair. “You’re so cute.”

I looked at him and couldn’t help but fall in love with his smile again. I adored him so much. I never thought I could love someone this much. I wanted to know. I needed to know how he felt about me.

“Johnny, can I ask you something?” I asked quietly. “Sure, what’s up?” he replied nonchalantly. “How do you feel about me?” I asked, slightly scared of his answer. I was too scared to look him in the eye. I grabbed one of the strings that was attached to the hoodie that I was wearing. It was one of the hoodies which he had forgotten to bring back with him, so I had decided to make it my own. It was warm and comfortable and I hoped that it would protect me from the possible danger incoming.

“Why do you ask? You know I care a lot about you,” he answered confused. “I know, you’ve been amazing to me. You’ve been more than I could ever ask for. I just want to make sure that we’re on the same page here,” I explained. “Well, what page are you on then?” he asked.

“The page where I feel like I’m ready to tell you that I love you, Johnny.”

I decided to take the risk and look up at him. I could see his eyes widen slightly. He stayed silent. He seemed to be in shock. I could see fear slowly creeping in his eyes. “Are you sure?” he asked me cautiously. “What do you mean? Of course I’m sure,” I said.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He had this faraway look in his eyes. I wondered what he was thinking about, but I was too scared to find out in fear of the truth hurting me.

My palms were starting to get sweaty. This hoodie suddenly felt too warm for my body.

“Please don’t say you love me,” he said as he broke the silence.

My body froze. It felt like the world had decided to stop spinning. He diverted his gaze from mine. He probably couldn’t stand seeing the pain in my eyes.

I climbed out of his lap and stood up from the couch. I started pacing around the room. “What does this mean? Don’t you love me? Are you embarrassed of being with me?” I tried to keep myself from going insane.

“No, that’s not it. I just wasn’t expecting this. I didn’t think you would fall in love with me,” he tried to explain.

“Why? Is there a problem with that?” I asked frantically.

“Just… let me think about this, okay?” he looked at me pleadingly.

I sighed and shook my head out of disappointment. I didn’t want to be near him right now. I left the suffocating room he was in and walked towards the bedroom. I closed the door behind me and let myself fall on my bed. I could hear his footsteps. They were getting further and further away. The sound of the front door closing was the last thing I could hear. He had left. I screamed into my pillow and couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

I fell before he could catch me.