He felt like he had just died.

-------

It was their 2^ndyear anniversary since the relationship was public and the 3^rdone since they started getting together. It had been 3 years of happiness, though there were times they thought they couldn’t tolerate all the pressure from their busy schedules. They got together a while after the show ended. He confessed to her right at the night, but it took both of them a while to really step over things and go for their love. Their first year was the hardest time, since both of them were inexperienced and the feeling sometimes was so strong to maintain. He used to think that they couldn’t make it through.

When they were caught in public 2 years ago, when people thought it must have been so difficult for them, in fact, it was much easier for them and their bands. There was nothing to hide anymore. Although most of the time they were the buzz of the press, it was just the part of the game. There were much more difficult obstacles they have been through.

And this day was the day he wanted to make it official by proposing to her. It was quite early for him and for her, especially for what she had planed for her life. However, he knew for sure that she wanted it as well, so why wouldn’t make it like the way it should be. They could be in engagement and enjoy the time as engaged couple like what they used to do in the show, but this time was not for public anymore.

He was almost skipping, running from the parking place near her dorm to the park they used to hang out a lot. His heart beat 5 times faster, maybe much more than that. It was one of the most important days of his life, and somehow he had the feeling that she knew it as well when he called her before, asking her to come down to meet him. They didn’t have the time to celebrate the day properly, because he just came back from Japan. He saw her, standing right at the door of their dorm, where they said the last goodbye for the show and also shared many sweet memories. He stood at the opposite side of the road, and called her..

“Joo  Hyun ah!!”

Her eyes brightened, sparkled just like the way he adored. She smiled sweetly at him, gave him a cheerful wave and started to cross the road.

“It was so Seo Joo Hyun.”

He thought while saw her looking left and right carefully before put her step down to the road.

It was the quiet street, there often was not much traffic, but it was not the main problem here.

Right there, Seo Hyun was in the middle of the road, when she took use of a moment to flash her gorgeous smile at him, telling him “Oppa, here I come!”;  a red car appeared from nowhere with its full speed…. Everything happened so fast. She didn’t have the time to look at the car, because, when she heard YongHwa screamed out her name, her eyes were still on his. The moment she turned her head to the side of the car, it was right at her feet, the bright headlights  dazzled her eyes. It was too late to have any reaction… not like in the movie when the girl was always safe at the very last moment with the rescue from the main character. Seo Hyun was hit badly by the car, the crash threw her away pretty far and hit her terribly to the herb.

YongHwa saw everything happened in front of his eyes just like a slow-motion movie. A minute before he was looking at her sparkling eyes smiling at him, he saw the car speeding up right to her spot, heard himself screaming out her name, felt his body thrown to her place, tried to catch her out from the mess.. But everything was too fast, too blurry….; it was not the movie when the main character could jump out to pull the girl away. He couldn’t do anything but to stretch out his arm hopelessly, just able to catch the empty breeze. Seo Hyun was thrown right across his eyes, her hair flew in the first blow of winter wind. He heard the heart-broken sound when her body hit the herb. He ran to her, his mind was empty, the only sound he heard was her name calling again and again.

He felt like he just died right there.

--------

The injury was so severe, she couldn’t make it.

YongHwa had become the living-dead one since that day. He had died at the moment he received the news from them.

They couldn’t track down the car owner. The day after the accident, they found the burnt car few miles away from the crime scene. There were no traces to find out who was the person to blame for the death of SNSD’s maknae and the lost soul of CNBLUE’s leader.

---------

It had been 2 years since her death.

SNSD disbanded after the incident. All her unnies couldn’t stand singing on the stage without remembering about her and bursting out to tears. CNBLUE continued to work, their music had become so dark and sad. There were no longer sweet love songs anymore and YongHwa never appeared on any shows or even had any interviews. He was in CNBLUE just to maintain the name, to write the songs and help the boys out. JongHyun took his place to lead the band. They couldn’t ask for more, they were so grateful that he was still there with them.

---

It was the day - Seo Hyun’s death anniversary.

He just visited her tomb, told her what had happened to him these days. Another habit, he came to the place he saw her for the last time, left the dandelion flowers on the herb where she lied on after the hit. He was standing at the same place like two years ago, looking across the street. YongHwa felt like he saw her again, crossing the street, her eyes smile twinkling, her arms reaching for him… It was always the end of his flashback, he had automatically removed the last part. He had never seen this red car hitting her, had never heard her whimpering, hard breathing because of the hurt and tense; had never felt her blood staining on his arms, had never kissed her last farewell kiss and felt her lips saying “I love you” under his. He refused to store any of those memories…  he talked to himself again and again. He closed his redden eyes, tried not to let the tear fall down. He looked down at his feet, held a deep breath, shut his mind off from those scenes.

It  was when he heard the sound, the cheerful, lively laugh which was so familiar to him. It used to be the source of life for him whenever they could not see each other, he used to make silly phone calls  just to enjoy the sound of her laugh. He snapped his eyes open, looked up and met the girl’s eyes.  He thought he just saw the ghost of his past. Was it Seo Joo Hyun laughing, looking at him, waving at him and crossing the street, aiming to his place? He shook his head twice, tried to clear the mind and sacked away all the delusion if it were one of them. He opened his eyes again and she was still there… still there.. same place like two years ago. And it struck right to his mind, made him cut the connection line between them, turned around and saw the same red car coming up.

“No, it’s not happening again… No way!”

He rushed to her place, held her hands and pulled her out of the way of the red car, just as the moment it almost hit her.

“I made it! I saved her!” he screamed out happily in his head.

“Jung Yong Hwa ssi” his Seo Joo Hyun talked

How much he missed her voice!

But what happened with this formal call, she was used to using banmal to him.

He looked at her.

She was so much alike Seo Hyun, but she was not her. She was not his Seo Joo Hyun.

The truth knocked him down to the ground. His Seo Joo Hyun didn’t make it, she just didn’t make it.

He left her hand which he was still holding all the time from the incident; turned away, gave her a bow and started to leave. But the girl didn’t let him do that. She held on to his wrist.

“Thank you, Jung Yong Hwa ssi. I’m Joo Hyun”

He missed her voice so much, it was the undeniable truth, and this girl had her voice, it was another truth he had to admit. He intended to leave but a part of him wanted to hear her voice more and more. It had been a long time since he last heard her calling him. It was forever that he would ever have the chance to hear it again.

He turned around, this time, looked at the girl closer. She looked like his Hyun so much. She had SeoHyun’s chubby face, her sparkling eyes, button nose, full lips and even her famous aegyo-sals. She also had SeoHyun’s figure, tall, slim and gorgeous like he always described. She was so much alike to his Hyun, but something was not right. She just was not his Hyun.

“I’m Joo Hyun”

The girl said again and offered her hand.

YongHwa was pulled out from his thought. He had to admit to himself again that the girl was like the copy of Seo Hyun, even her name..

“Joo Hyun?” he asked

“Ah, I’m Kim Joo Hyun. Thank you so much, YongHwa ssi. You just saved my life. Thank you!”

The girl kept on bowing and saying thank you to him. It did remind him of Seo Hyun again..

“A polite girl, just like her!” he thought.

“ It’s ok, Joo Hyun ssi. Please be more careful next time.” He gave her a bow and tended to go away again.

“I’m sorry, YongHwa ssi.” the girl said sadly

“Why you said that?” he asked in confusion.

“ I know who I look like. I know your story and I know it’s the day.” the girl answered in broken voice, trying to keep the tears.

He quietly held the tip of her elbow, “It’s not your fault. Thank you for saying that!” he said

He turned and went away as fast as he could. This girl had so much things alike to his Seo Joo Hyun..her look, her voice, her attitude. All were too much for him to control his heart not to bleed again.  He had tried so hard to build up a wall to keep him survive until today. He didn’t want anyone to break through it, he needed to be safe. This girl, this Joo Hyun made him feel insecure. The more she reminded him of Seo Hyun, the weaker he felt himself become in front of her. He didn’t want it, he didn’t want to be hurt again

---

But, somehow fate had played around with him.

The next day, he found her waiting lazily at the small supermarket next to his dorm. She was his new neighbor for exactly.

The more he wanted to stay away from her, the more they encountered each other. She came to his music performance, signing events; as much as he didn’t want, he spotted her out every time he skimmed through the crowd and she was there. They met several times at his dorm blocks, supermarket, the near-by park; they were neighnour after all.

YongHwa was not the only one who realized how much she looked like SeoHyun. His brothers were caught off guard the first time they saw her. Even the press saw that, she was famous for the title “Seo Joo Hyun’s alike”. They started to follow her, and found out she lived in the same blocks with him – Jung Yong Hwa - the real Seo Joo Hyun’s boy friend. The scandals spread out… whether Jung Yong Hwa tried to find someone like Seo Hyun to replace her. He didn’t spare a thought for it, he was so much familiar to all those rumour. After his Hyun’s death, there was nothing really mattered to him anymore.

But, it did change the life of other Joo Hyun.

People seemed to have nothing to do, they disturbed her more and more. It was the day when the buzz got its . She literally ran to her blocks, chased by some crazy interviewers and creepy fans who blamed her for spoiling Yong Hwa’s image.

He was on his way to the dorm when he saw her running with fear on her face; she reminded him of SeoHyun when she heard about his accident on stage years ago.

He remembered her running to his dorm, face stained with tears. The look she gave when she saw him sitting safely on the sofa was one of the greatest moments of his life. The look was full of worry and fear, slowly turned to a little released, calm and full of love when it met his. He read her thoughts through her eyes “Here you are, YongHwa ah. You are still here with me!!”. He knew one more time how much she loved him, cared for him, worried for him and all his hurt just faded away at this moment.

This Joo Hyun was giving the same look to him, although it might have different meaning. She had been so scared, insecure and worried; then her eyes met him. She stared at him with this look, fear quickly turned to calm, worry became release, it included her trust towards him. He felt like she was talking through her eyes “Here you are, YongHwa ssi. I can believe in you, I can be safe with you!”  He felt his feet become cold, “don’t give this look to me!” he was silently begging her in his mind.

He closed his eyes, tried to take the gasp of himself, then opened them again, looked at her and grasped her hand. He pulled her to his arms, stood in front of her like a shield and talked to all those curious people.

“Please leave her alone. It’s not her fault to look like Seo Joo Hyun ssi”

Finished that sentence, he held her hand tighter and led the way to the blocks. Those photographers took the chance to snap as much photos as possible; somehow the rumor was confirmed. Jung Yong Hwa must have something with that girl.

They went through the door, got into the elevator in silence. She nodded and said thank you to him numberless times; he smiled. The more he interacted with this girl, the more he realized she not only had the look alike Seo Hyun. The elevator opened at her floor, she hesitated to step out. At the last chance, she kept the elevator open and shyly asked him,

“Would you like to pass by my flat for a tea as my appreciation?”

He closed his eyes in a moment, tried to remind himself  “she’s not SeoHyun”

“Yes, I think!”

He couldn’t stand it anymore, whether it was the urge to be closer to someone looked like Seo Hyun or it was his last surviving piece of soul asking to give himself a chance of happiness. He didn’t know for sure, but one thing he knew right at this moment, he would not leave this and run away again.

He didn’t  know…., from this moment, he had chosen to open his heart again…….

--------

Years later

It had been 1 year since his wedding with her – Kim Joo Hyun. Another Joo Hyun came to his life and woke it up again.  They got together long time ago, she had always been by his side. She tried to step up his life again, got him back on his feet and lived not just survive. He was in love with her…. Joo Hyun.

It was just said, he was in love with Joo Hyun… he had always been in love with Joo Hyun.

He didn’t know it was a lucky thing or not. Kim Joo Hyun was exactly a perfect duplicate of Seo Joo Hyun. Apart from her similar look  which covered all what he loved about Seo Hyun – her eyes, Joo Hyun had the voice alike, even the same way her laugh sounded like melodious music to him; her characteristics were so much in common. He used to think Seo Hyun was the only lovely weird girl on earth had her love for Goguma, but Joo Hyun was the other. He also thought that there would be no one nagging him about drinking coffee, then he heard it everyday from Joo Hyun with the same voice, same amount just like the old days. With Joo Hyun, he got back all his previous habits which used to be for SeoHyun. Life seemed so cruel or it was the way to make it easier to go on. Sometimes he felt bad for Joo Hyun because he was not sure he fell in love with her or it was just his love for Seo Hyun coming back. Sometimes, he calmed himself, saying that, maybe Joo Hyun was sent by her to help him through the days without her. Whatever the reasons were, he was pleased with his life now. Everybody around him thanked Joo Hyun to bring the old YongHwa back. He now could live again!

Today, he was overjoyed! He had received the news from her, he had become the father! The child would be with them in few months. He had never thought that his life could become a much better one like that.. all thanked to her.

---

YongHwa was sitting on the bed, leaning at the head stand, looking down at Joo Hyun who was sleeping peacefully next to him. She was pregnant with his son for four months already. Everybody was so happy for them, he was happy for himself. 

But, he couldn’t sleep tonight, it was the day. It had been years since Seo Hyun’s death, he had moved on. However, that day was always his weakness. Joo Hyun knew about that, she had asked him to take her to SeoHyun’s tomb today, asked him to leave her alone and spent an hour to share a talk with her. He was so grateful for that, she understood him so much, there were nothing he could ever ask for more.

He stood up, walked out of the room to the library room which was made for Joo Hyun’s wish. She also shared the great interest for books as much as Seo Hyun. He enjoyed this room as well, it was a perfect place for his mind to rest and recover. He stepped into the room, slowly approached the bookshelf. He was not a huge fan of books, but the scent of them calmed him down.

Something caught his attention. It was the small locker at the foot of the shelf. It belonged to Joo Hyun, her little secret locker for her first love, as she said. He respected that, he had thousands of lockers in his mind for SeoHyun which he couldn’t keep himself from reviewing them from time to time. She just asked for a tiny locker in the bookshelf, so, he had never asked about that. But today, he saw something in this that made him curious. The locker was not closed properly, revealed a book in blue and pink, so looking alike Yongseo story. He couldn’t stop himself opening the locker and grasp for the book.

It wrote

“YongHyun’s story”

“Is it about her first love? I shouldn’t see” he thought

He intended to put it down, but a picture in this caught his sight. The Seo Joo Hyun’s … his only Hyun’s… “The story couldn’t be about her first love.” he wondered

He opened the book, it was in blue and pink, with the decoration just like his original YongSeo story. But the story in it …. was… different… completely different.

The first page

I knew they were together.

A picture of him and SeoHyun hugging in front of the dorm on the last day of WGM filming.

Jung Yong Hwa oppa, you are so valuable for her. She does not deserve that.

Wait for me!

Next page

A picture of them holding hand at the car park of SBS after the ending year music show. He remembered the day, it was when she official said yes to be his girlfriend.

Now you are official together… but YongHwa oppa, don’t worry.

It is not gonna last too long.

You don’t have to stand her for too long.

Wait for me!

Next page and next page and next page

Pictures followed pictures of him and SeoHyun in all their secret dating chances. After each picture, there always were a line critizing Seo Hyun and a line for him..

Wait for me!

Another page

A news cut from a magazine about him and SeoHyun going public

Oppa, it’s the day.

You would be free from her. That material girl wouldn’t leave her crown for you.

I’m always here for you

Wait for me!

YongHwa felt his blood freeze…

He turned the page faster, and he met this… it was the day!

She was stubborn not to leave you, so I will help you, oppa!

A picture of the red car… the car that even when he died, he would never forget.

A picture of SeoHyun standing in front of her dorm, waiting for him

A picture of the burnt red car

I have succeeded oppa.

Now, just wait for me!

He was shaking furiously, hardly held the book properly….

Another page turned

Pictures of him, … singing lifelessly on the stage, standing motionless, walking like a dead body… After each of them, there always was a sentence

Wait for me!

Page turned

a picture of Joo Hyun – Kim Joo Hyun

I’m ready oppa!

I have transformed to your Hyun oppa. Though her look is disgusting,  for you I can do anything.

Wait for me!

Next page

a picture of her with a red car

He remembered that clothes, remembered her.. It was the day, the first day he bumped to her, the day like she said “At least you have succeeded saving me oppa!”

The note said

Lastly we meet

You know I’m always here for you

I’m here

Come to me!

All the next pictures continued creeping him out. It was him and her at same places. The look he gave for her was caught most of the time…

The pictures came more and more along with the sentence

Come to me!

Come to me!

Come to me!

…….

Next page

It was the day he stepped in to her flat, started to open his heart to her.

a picture of him sitting bewilderedly  on her yellow sofa

Lastly, you come to me

Be mine…!

YongHwa was stunt, transfixed with horror. His life was in her hand…literally

He couldn’t stand reading it anymore

He went for the newest page

Today

a picture of SeoHyun’s tomb

You have totally lost for me.

YongHwa oppa is always mine… always mine!

I have his son, his life, his everything.

I’m everything to him

He’s MINE for ever!!

The last line of the note kept running around his head.

He’s MINE for ever!! He’s MINE for ever!! He’s MINE for ever!! He’s MINE for ever!!

He felt like he just died all over again!