Jaejoong stared at a picture of himself standing next to Yunho, but most of all, he stared at the time when everything was okay, when they were still five, when they had no worries except from the well-being of each member. Everything was different now. Yes, it was all different.

They were no longer five, they were no longer happy. Did they even care about each other? At least, that’s how Jaejoong felt, that’s how he used to think. Yunho hadn’t even contacted him since they separated. Was it because of shame? Was Yunho perhaps ashamed of the fact that he couldn’t keep his promise? He promised they would always be together, that they would always be five. There was no TVXQ unless they were five. Had he been lying all along? If so, did he lie when he first told Jaejoong he was in love with him?

Jaejoong couldn’t describe his feelings towards Yunho; he didn’t know what to think. He didn’t even give Yunho an answer when Yunho asked if he would accept his feelings.

Jaejoong felt his stomaching turning into a knot, a knot that would never loosen up. He loved Yunho, he had always loved him, but actually admitting it, was another thing.

“Does he hate me now?”

TVXQ functioned as a heart and a heart cannot pump blood and function normally if it’s split into pieces. If it’s torn apart and stomped on repeatedly, with anger, grief and regret. No, a heart can only function if it’s intact, if it’s protected from external enemies and injuries.

Was Yunho supposed to protect them? Was he the one who should’ve spoken up?

10 years ago, when they were all standing backstage, feeling anxious about their very first performance, Yunho had given every single member a hug, and whispered, “This is forever.”

“Was I a fool to believe you? Or perhaps, you had too much weight on your shoulders.”

All Jaejoong, Junsu and Yoochun wanted, was justice. Yunho felt betrayed about the fact that they went behind his back, that they had discussed such matters without consulting anything with him. They assumed Yunho and Changmin would agree to come with them. This was not the case.

“Do you remember what you used to call me?”

Jaejoong knew he would never see Yunho again, he knew he would never feel Yunho’s fingers gliding effortlessly through his dark locks as a romantic attempt to wake him up. Yunho tried as hard as he could to make sure Jaejoong knew exactly how much he loved him. It was all about the little things. The little things Jaejoong loved.

“You used to call me your starshine. You said calling me sunshine wasn’t enough, and that I was the star of your heart.”

Jaejoong was now a falling star, a dying star. A star with no reason to shine. He never wanted this.

“I used to call you freaking impossible. But I also called you my other half. Do you remember that?”

Yes, Yunho remembered, but it was a very distant memory.

“I love you, Yunho. So much..”

Jaejoong turned around as one of his sisters hugged him from behind. “I’m sorry, Jae.”

He let go of the kitchen counter and threw his arms around the older woman’s neck. “Me too. This is all my fault.”

“It’s not your fault, do you hear me?”

“I-I ruined the most important thing in my life. Yunho hates me and I’m never going to see him again..”

Jaejoong’s sister looked into her brother’s eyes. “You said he used to call you starshine. What do you think he calls you now?”

“Forgotten.”