Kibum doesn’t move for what feels like hours but are only mere minutes. He stares at the door with disbelief. His arms falling lifelessly to his sides. He didn’t expect it to go this way. He didn’t mean to blurt out those words. He wasn’t supposed to put his relationship with Jonghyun on the line like that just so the other could see how stale their relationship has gone. Even with the problems starting him in the face Jonghyun couldn’t see.

Kibum barely makes it to their room and onto their bed before he lets out a small cry. He covers his eyes with his hands and he just lets them out slowly until they build up to a full out sob. He feels lost and broken and a little desperate. He wishes Jonghyun would come back any moment now but it’s not going to happen. Maybe he didn’t do enough for Jonghyun. Maybe if he was a better Kibum, a more understanding one, he wouldn’t feel the way he does. He just watched his relationship ends before his eyes. He can’t stay here after he told Jonghyun that they were over once he walks out that door. He doesn’t want.

He’s angry suddenly his sobs stop being from sadness but anger because him verbally expressing that their relationship would come to end if Jonghyun walked out the door didn’t stop him. Kibum wanted Jonghyun to see it so bad, see that they’re going nowhere. He’s angry at himself for becoming this shell of a person. The Kibum he’s always been has broken down and all because of the one he loves the most.

He stares at the ceiling as he thinks about what to do next. Should he keep his word and leave? Should he wait to see if Jonghyun actually changes this time? As much as he wants to listen to his head he can’t over the breaking sound of his heart. He feels pathetic and a little bit shattered because all he’s known for years now is Jonghyun. He’s been with him so long it feels like he’s losing part of himself, but he can’t keep doing this. He can’t stay in a relationship where he feels like he’s the only one in it. It takes two to form a relationship.

While he wants to blame this all on Jonghyun he blames himself the most. He knew what he was getting into the moment he started to get to know Jonghyun. He let himself get hurt when it was the one thing he always promised himself he wouldn’t do for anyone. Kibum hates being vulnerable. He hates letting people have any control over him. He doesn’t open up easily. He can count on one hand the people he shares his secrets with, who know what cuts him the most. He doesn’t like showing people a different side of him and when he does he knows it’s because they’re there to stay. Despite building the wall he has for years, Jonghyun was able to break through that and he hates that this happen.

Kibum eventually tires himself out. From all the sadness, the angry, the hurt, the realization that something ended today and it’ll be a miracle if it’s ever fixed. He decides to hide himself under his covers but all too soon he’s grabbing a blanket from their closet and wrapping himself up on the couch.

“The stupid sheets smell like him,” he mutters to his apartment.

 

Kibum has always prided himself on being a man of his word. Even if this one is the one that’s breaking him on the inside the most, he keeps it. He comes home with boxes and pulls out his suitcases that night and starts packing everything up one by one. His hands shake as he begins to go through personal things. Things he hasn’t seen in years. Pictures he forgot they had taken. Stuff he didn’t remember they had bought. Kibum tries to stay strong, he refuses to cry any longer but he cracks when he finds the notebook Jonghyun had given him on their second year anniversary.

 

“I’m bad with presents,” Jonghyun had told him shyly, playing with the small present in his hand.

 

“I’ll like what you get me,” Kibum smiles.

Jonghyun takes a deep breath, “Okay.”

Kibum extends his arms with a playful smile as Jonghyun softly drops it into his hands. He carefully tears open the wrapping paper and he’s found with a book. No, Kibum corrects himself. It’s a journal. It’s a little worn out on the edges and it looks full. Kibum’s eyebrows raise and he looks up at Jonghyun.

“It’s a notebook,” Jonghyun says nervously.  “It’s full of songs. You know I like to write songs, right? They’re about you and my time with you… It’s kind of lame. I didn’t know what else to give you and I thought maybe if I gave you this you’d see-“

Kibum nods while Jonghyun talks. He looks through it slowly, flipping through the pages. There are lyrics everywhere, his writing messy and cute, doodles filling the pages, scribbles over songs or verses that he probably decided aren’t good enough. His heart halts as he flips through the end and he can’t help but launch himself onto Jonghyun. He kisses Jonghyun like he’s never kissed him before. Full of meaning, full of love, full of something he knows Jonghyun can feel as their lips touch and their tongue collide. Their arms wrapping around each other as they erase they space that was once between them.

“Me too.”

Jonghyun eyes widen as he stares at him a little breathless, “You feel the same way?”

“Of course, I do.”

 

My Kibummie, I dedicate these words to you. Every inch of paper that is covered through here are because of you. Over the past two years, I realized I tried to come up with so many ways to express what I feel about you. I write about your feline eyes, your soft hands, your sharp words. I describe the way the sun rises with you or how even the brightest star in the sky couldn’t compare to you. All these words belong to you. But over time, I noticed that I could say all these things over and over again but they are only fives words that can really sum up how I feel about you….

I’m in love with you.

 

 

Kibum lets out a few tears and he smiles sadly at the book in his hand. He doesn’t know if he should keep it. He isn’t really thinking when he decides to put in his bag. It’s painful to think about how things have changed but that doesn’t mean they weren’t once good. That doesn’t mean he can’t keep a gift that was made for him.

Kibum stops looking at personal things and leaves them there for Jonghyun. He focuses on only packing all of his clothes. Everything else Jonghyun can keep. Even if he knows some of the things he bought were from his own money, he doesn’t really want them.

 

Kibum pulls out his phone when he lines everything up at the door and calls the one person that knows will understand.

“Hello?”

“Taemin,” Kibum breathes. “I need you to come over, please.”

 

Kibum didn’t need to say anything more for Taemin to rush over.

When Kibum opens the door, Taemin brings him into a hug. Taemin’s not one for PDA unless it’s the person he’s screwing at the moment but he knows how to be comforting when he wants to and that’s something Kibum has always loved about him.

“You sounded a bit sad over the phone, what’s going on?”

“I need a place to stay for a while,” Kibum can’t meet Taemin’s eyes. “Just until I get my own place.”

‘What?” Taemin asks surprised. “What happened?”

“We’re over.”

There's a silence before Taemin wraps his arms around him once more.

“I’m so sorry, Hyung.”

“It a lot right now,” Kibum bites his lips. “It really does but I know that if it didn’t happen right now it was going to happen eventually.”

“Is that what all these boxes are lined up right here?”

Kibum nods, ‘It’s mostly just my clothes.”

“Phew, I knew you had a lot of clothes but damn.”

Kibum laughs.

“Come on,” Taemin goes towards the boxes. “My car’s downstairs. You can stay with me as long as you need to.”

“Thank you.”

 

Kibum realizes that living with Taemin isn’t all that different that living with Jonghyun. Taemin is busy a lot and he travels a lot for his job. The only difference is that while Taemin has big chunks of times when he’s working like crazy he also has long breaks.

“It’s the life of a backup dancer for idols,” is all Taemin told him when he asked about how his job works and Kibum couldn’t do anything else than nod. Because really what did he know?

 

He starts to breathe easier. His heart doesn’t feel so heavy anymore and he gains confidence in himself again. He doesn’t see Jonghyun nor does he have news of him either on a personal level. He’d be lying if he says he doesn’t look at his social media almost every day to see what he’s been up to. But Jonghyun’s been awful quietly on it lately and while it scares him a little, it isn’t rare for Jonghyun to go weeks, nearly months without a single update.

Kibum doesn’t feel broken like he used to. His eyes don’t tear up or freeze when someone mentions Jonghyun anymore. He’s not going to act like his heart doesn’t sting a little because it does. He starts to smile sincerely again and bite back when Taemin teases him. He visits his mother more often and listen to her stories about her youth and his father. It doesn’t make him bitter when he sees couples walking hand in hand anymore like it used.

He feels like himself again.

 

 

Kibum’s scrolling through pages and pages of his almost finishes thesis for his grad school when he gets a scare.

 

“I’m late for that talk aren’t I?” he hears a voice behind him.

Kibum’s drink nearly falls into his lap when he sees two wide puppy eyes staring down at him. It’s a voice he would recognize anywhere and a face he hasn’t seen in three months. “Jonghyun.”

“Can I sit?”

Kibum can’t do much other than nod. Jonghyun pushes out a chair as he places his phone and wallet on the table before them. He looks handsome just like he always does, a little tired if he’s honest.

“How are you?” Jonghyun asks him.

“I’m okay,” Kibum gives him a small smile. “How about you?”

“I’ve been fine.”

They fall into silence. Neither of them really knowing what to say or what to do. It’s like there are so many words in each of their mouths ready to spill but neither has the courage to actually say anything.

 

“Listen-“

“Jonghyun-“

They say at the same time trying to break the silence.

“You go first,” Kibum encourages him.

Jonghyun nods before continuing. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

“It’s okay,” Kibum tells him.

“It’s really not,” Jonghyun shakes his head. “When I got back from Japan and you were gone… That was really hard on me. I wanted to call you and get you back home but I knew I messed up. I didn’t realize how much I messed up when I was cleaning to distract myself and I found dried up flower petals and candles thrown in the trash.”

Kibum can’t do much else but nods dumbly.

“You did that for us, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, it was for our anniversary.”

“And I didn’t show up.” 

“You were busy.”

“That’s not an excuse,” Jonghyun says. “I realized I had messed up after everything. I needed to give you space and I need to figure out what I wanted to do. It wasn’t fair to have you stringing around.”

“I understand.”

“But I’m ready to talk now. I wasn’t before,” Jonghyun says honestly.  “But I’m willing to listen.”

“I just,” Kibum pauses. “I didn’t feel like I was enough for you.”

“Kibum,” Jonghyun whispers brokenly.

“I felt like I was continually competing with your work and I couldn’t stack up. I didn’t even mean to make you choose between you job or me, it wasn’t fair now that I think of it. But I was so hurt and I felt so run down that it’s all I could say.”

“You’re more than enough, Kibum.”

“I didn’t feel that way..”

“I wasn’t a good boyfriend was I?”

Kibum shakes his head furiously, “No! You were amazing, Jonghyun. You made me feel amazing…”

“But you left.”

“It wasn’t healthy for me anymore. I didn’t leave you because I wanted to leave you. I left for myself. I was starting to break down. I was starting to doubt myself as a person and that wasn’t fair to me or you. When you walked out that door, I felt broken and unworthy. I felt like the only person that I have loved the way I loved walked out on me.”

“That wasn’t it-“ tries to cut him off.

“I know,” Kibum cuts back. “I know that because I stopped feeling that way. I started to victimize myself while we were going through this and once I got out of my head and saw things clearer, I knew that I wasn’t doing what I could for you either. I made things harder and when you love someone you’re supposed to make things easier.”

“I wasn’t there for you.”

“I wasn’t there for you either.”

“Don’t blame yourself, please.” Jonghyun, grabs his hands. “I don’t have the right to hold your hand anymore but know that this wasn’t your fault.”

“It was neither of ours. I read somewhere that sometimes relationship work in weird ways. Sometimes it’s the right time but not the right person and other times it’s the right person but not the right time.”

“Which one do you think is ours?” Jonghyun looks into his eyes.

“The second.”

“I miss you every day,” he confesses to Kibum, his voice shaky.

“I do too.”

 

The start as friends again. Since the day that Jonghyun bumped into Kibum at the coffee shop they decided that Jonghyun needs to regain Kibum’s trust on things like dates and promises. Kibum decided that he needs to work on understanding Jonghyun more when it comes to his job.

 

They start slowly with meeting up places with Jinki. All of them going to play pool and laughing at how awful Jonghyun is. They eat dinner with Minho who doesn’t shut up about his recent trip to London where he was able to catch a few football matches. Taemin gives them tickets to see an idol group that he’s being a back-up dancer too and they laugh in the stands as they see that they’re the only guys in their 20s surrounded by teenage girls.

There are a few bumps here and there. Like when Jonghyun is ten minutes late and Kibum is panicking at the place they were supposed to meet up because he feels like he isn’t going to show up. But when Jonghyun shows up breathing heavily and going on about forgetting to put gas in his car yesterday and saying sorry over and over again, Kibum can’t help but laugh a little and grab him by his arm as they walk in together.

Or the time when Jonghyun is held up at a meeting and he doesn’t know how to tell Kibum because he’s afraid he’ll get mad at him. But when he finally musters the courage his heart melts at how soft and understanding Kibum sounds.

“It’s okay,” Kibum says. “Do really well. I want to hear about it when you call me tonight, okay?”

Jonghyun nods even though he knows Kibum can’t hear it. “I will.”’

 

They work on it little by little and before they know they’re both falling into each other again. It’s small things like Kibum holding out his ladle and letting Jonghyun taste what he’s cooking for them that night. Or the way that Jonghyun will leave some of his shoes near Kibum and Taemin’s door that sometimes he’ll put them on by mistake. Sometimes Kibum leaves his clothes over at Jonghyun’s without noticing. It isn’t until he finds himself digging out a drawer full of his stuff does he notice that he has his own drawer at Jonghyun’s place. It all feels oddly domestic but he isn’t scared, he feels happy about it. It feels healthy. Like they’re moving in the path that they should.

 

“Hey Jonghyun,” Kibum calls out towards him as he cooks for them that night.

Jonghyun looks up from his laptop and his papers to respond to him, “Yeah?”

“You make me happy.”

Jonghyun mouth opens in surprise but is quickly replaced with a small smile. “You make me happy too.”

 

Without both of them saying it out loud they know what words they really mean. Soon enough they’ll be able to whisper it to each other like they used to whenever they got the chance.