Chapter 4

Danger is ridiculously hard. It's ridiculously hard and they all know that, so why does Hoseok feel like he's letting down the whole of Bangtan with each tiny slip-up? He's meant to be the hope, the main dancer, and he can't even keep the beat properly, stupid, stupid, what's wrong with him? Hoseok could feel himself growing hotter, sweat causing his clothes to stick uncomfortably to his skin, and for once he desperately wishes the cameras would go away. Brows furrowed and jaw set with determination, he tried to stop thinking, to let himself just feel the beat as he always did, but to no avail. He couldn't do it, he couldn't remember what came next and it was all too much. 

All he could see in his mind was the judgemental stares, all he could hear were the disapproving thoughts of his brothers; were they staring at him? He knew they wouldn't be and yet a part of his brain cried out that of course they were staring at him, watching him falter and hesitate and watching him fail. And even if they weren't, were they thinking about him? Were they thinking back to every moment of closeness and intimacy, and rewriting the happy memories into uncomfortable ones? Did they think he was selfish? Was he selfish? He had not thought once about how his coming out could affect Bangtan, oh god, was this why the cameras were here, to pretend nothing had happened? And here he was, messing up everything. A spit second late, a millimetre too far left, everything he did was wrong. It was too much, everything was happening all at once and the world was spinning and everything felt distant and he was suffocating and, and-

"Hoseok?"

Reality came crashing back down. The music was still playing, but no one was moving.

"Are you okay? We were dancing and then you just... Stopped."

He stared at Jimin, desperately trying to collect his thoughts enough to articulate a reply, but it was like his brain had stopped working completely. He could do nothing but stand there dumbly, his mouth open and nothing coming out. When it had become clear no reply was going to come, Jimin turned and called over to the manager,

"Excuse me? I think J-Hope is sick, I'm going to take him back to the dorms."

"Wha-" before he could get out even a word Jimin had grabbed his arm and was leading him out of the room, out of the building and into the street. The dorms were only a couple of streets away, and they walked in silence, Jimin still holding on to Hoseok's arm. After a couple of minutes, he stopped, leaning back against a railing and exhaling into the cold winter air. The condensation spiraled up for a second, before quickly fading.

"What's going on." Jimin spoke shortly, curtly, and the question was more of a statement, a demand for explanation. But what could be say? "I think the others hate me"? "I've messed up everything"?  "I'm completely in love with you and every day your smile kills me that little bit more inside"? No, this was his own fault, his own undoing. He didn't want to burden Jimin with his problems, and more selfishly, he didn't want Jimin to know in the first place. He didn't want Jimin to judge him as well. Besides, Jimin could never know about Hoseok's... Feelings. It was one thing to accept your friend being gay, but gay for you? Could anyone really accept that? Hoseok didn't think so.

"Nothing. It's like you said, I'm feeling a bit sick." He tried for a smile, but Jimin's critical eyebrow raise made it clear he wasn't fooled.

"Look, Hobi, if this is about-"

"I'll be fine walking from here, you should get back before they come out after you." Without giving the younger boy a chance to respond, he spun around and continued down the cold street, sky darkening above their heads and plants wilting as the sun disappeared behind grey clouds.