I was listening to BDC and it made the sad feeling linger.

So I just wrote this.
It's different from  BDC, though the sad emotions are still present ..

Warning:Fem!kyungsoo

Enjoy (?)

Kyungsoo's POV:

I can hear the marching song and it sounds like heaven and hell to me.

I know he doesn’t want to marry me. I did trick him into marrying me and I am guilty about it but I'm sorry.

I am sorry that I will never regret it.

I hope.

Call me a , a desperate or whatever but that guy standing and frowning at the altar while he waits for me, will be the only man that I will ever love in this lifetime.

So I stole him away from the one that he loved. I just had to try... Right?

I will try to make him love me and our soon to be baby.

We will be a one big happy family.

-------

After everything was done, we were off to our honeymoon, but like what I had expected, he will not lay a finger on me nor cast a glance in my direction.

He slept on the couch while I cried on my pillow.

 

Jongin’s POV:

It’s been almost three months now and the bulge in her belly is visible.

She's a good wife.

She prepares my clothes when I come out of the shower, waits for me to come home from a show or from practice, she cooks meals for me and sometimes she even delivers my lunch. She does not nag that much and she stays awake late at night or (more often than not) up all night just to smile and say "Welcome home. Are you hungry?" or "Welcome home. I prepared a warm bath for you."

I can’t despise her - not totally - but I hate the fact that she tricked me into sleeping with her.

I know it takes two to tango but hell! I would not do any 'tango-ing' with her if I wasn’t that drunk!

I mean, why would I ever cheat on Soojung – my supposedly girlfriend/fiancée whom I was suppose to marry next year – I love her.

But because of her - I can't even find it in me to say her name - stupid little crush on me, she decided to ruin everything for us.

She is so selfish.

I'd do everything that will cause her pain, but I keep it low and mostly emotional. I don’t want to sacrifice my child’s safety.

I do not wear the things that she prepares for me, even if I really like it, she has some wicked fashion skills.

She’s just turned 22, graduated from some fashion designing thing-y in New York.

She's a decent cook, and yes, since I am a man of practicality, I eat the food that she makes then I criticize it, but no matter how much I tried to bad mouth her cooking, she would just attentively listen to me and say her sorrys and a promise that she'll make it taste better next time.

It’s so frustrating.

She stays up at night and ask me about my day, and every time she did that, I ignore her. Always.

I also go on dates with Soojung, a not so innocent rendezvous and I know that she knows all about it.
, she even saw me once at the practice room at SM E making out with Soojung.

My friends, brothers and family tells me to "stop ing around” – as they termed it – and "just focus on my family."

Family my face.

I promise.
There will never be an 'us' or a 'family'.
There will only be 'me' 'baby' and 'her'.

I just want her to file a divorce and leave me the alone.

 

Kyungsoo's POV:

Every time he ignores me and treat me like I’m a nuisance, my heart clenches and it leaves me breathless.

It even hurts more cause I know that I deserve all of it. Every single one. Even his infidelity with Soojung.

Every single time I see them steal kisses, touches and glances. Every single time I see him look at her with longing, I feel like I'm drowning and burning from the inside, cause I know that I'm causing him pain.

But I’m still hoping that he will learn to love me...

Someday.

Jongin's POV:

 

I was going home late that evening. I just drank alcohol with my friends. No girls included.

As I opened the main door, a maid greeted me and took my bag from me, informing me that she's still awake.

She's probably sitting in 'our' bed. Note my sarcasm.

Not even once did I consider that bed 'ours'. I have never slept on that bed before and I am not planning on sleeping on it. Ever.

Yes, I sleep in a room with her but I lay on the couch.

I entered the room and saw her sitting Indian style in the bed with her sky blue night gown and her hair in a pony tail.

Damn she really is pretty – no – pretty can’t even sum her up.

Her naturally dusky red and pouty full lips.

Her dark, long and thick lashes.

Her innocent doe eyes.

Her ebony straight hair.

Her smooth ivory like skin.

Her beautiful smile.

Her angelic voice.

Her gentle touch.

Her chime - like laughter.

Her--

I mentally kicked my .
What was I thinking?
'It must be the alcohol.'

She greeted me with a smile, asking how was my night.

For some reason, this night, I decided to answer.

“I went out and drank with the guys.”

“Oh… “ even she was surprised.
Yeah, the feeling's mutual..

“Um.. So, did you have fun?”

She was actually planning on keeping this conversation now, is she?

“Yeah.. If not, I would have not be back this late, right?”

I decided to play along. I was undoing my tie. It's too stuffy.

“Of course… uhm.. uhm.. Jongin?”

“Yeah?” I asked not even looking at her.

“Were there some… Some… Ah.. Nothing..Forget about it..” she said.

Scooping for some info.
I see…
A smirk marred my face.

This will be a good opportunity to hurt her.

Facing her I said “Were there some girls?” I finished for her.

She looked surprised but nodded anyway.

“Of course there were. Men will not and cannot drink without a girl in hand.. Just like the time we did it. Me plus beer plus you. Remember?"

I wanted to annoy the hell out of her.
She looked hurt, unshed tears were visible in her eyes.

It caused me to feel uneasy.

Seeing her sad caused my heart to constrict.

'It's just guilt and the alcohol.'
I told myself.

My guilt was taking currently nagging at my conscience but the drunken side of me punched the guilt away and stomped the conscience out from my system.

And what I said next even made me despise myself.

For the rest of my life.

I turned back, heading for the bathroom, then stopped

“Oh right… I was with Soojung. Hope you don't mind." I said nonchalantly, as if I was saying that it had rained that afternoon.

I saw tears running down her cheeks and then she was out of my sight.

Like a brick wall falling down my head and bringing my sanity back to my body, I realized that what I did was completely and utterly out of line.

'You think?'

I ran after her and caught her on top of the staircase.

I grabbed her wrist.

“I’m sorry.. That was ---“ I was cut off by her hand connecting with my cheek.

'Alright, I deserved that.'

I looked at her and what I saw, broke my heart.

She looked so broken and tired.

'I finally broke her.'

I never noticed before but for someone that's supposed to be pregnant, she's very thin.

I never noticed the orange and pinky tinted bag under her eyes.

With her eyes full of pain and the feeling of betrayal, complete misery, acceptance and defeat, her tears streaming down her face, like a water fall.

'God hit me. Please.'

But even when she was crying, she still managed to look breathtakingly beautiful.

Like an angel weeping for the sins of the one she was looking after.

Only one thought crossed my mind that moment. 'An angel should not be crying. That's just wrong.'

“I have let things be. I was h-hoping that you would c-change. Hoping that, even if you would never love me you would at least be a friend to me and maybe respect our marriage! I stomached everything! From the day that I got pregnant!"

A sob escaped her lips - the lips that would become heart shaped when she smiled. "Did you think that I was having the better end of this situation? I-I know it’s my fault! It's my fault! And I sure as hell wished I could take it all back!"

A silent scream and a few intakes of breaths, she looked into my eyes "It’s so painful Jongin! It’s so painful. The disappointment on my parents eyes. The judging stares that I received. The hateful glares. The bad mouthing and everything else!"

Her breath was ragged, its as though the air became thinner and she had to make an effort to take air in "but I tried to i-ignore them! Because I wanted to be with you. I even ignored your constant 'Let's-pretend-that-Kyungsoo-is-not-here-attitude."

A deep breath and a look of disdain in her eyes "I accepted all the insults that you and all of them threw at me because I wanted to be with you, because I love you..."

God she looked so broken. Please, Lord, let me turn back time.

"I know that I was selfish and what I did was wrong. I tried to accept everything but do you think that being called a or a is not painful?! I do not show it but it affects me, Jongin! I know, God, I know this is my fault but this is too much!"

She looked at me "Haven't I paid enough? I lost my parents trust, my friends respect and most of all, I have lost the man that I love. You won't even look my at me anymore!"

Taking a deep breath to steady her voice, she continued "Everyday that you walk out that door, I ask myself if this was worth it? Back then i would have said 'yes' right away but now... now."

She choked, cough and fell down on her knees. "I'm so sorry, I know i can't turn back time, but I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

I never knew that it affected her like this.
She always smiled like nothing was wrong.
She always smiled like she was the happiest person.

I hoisted her up and tried to swipe her tears away but she slapped my hand so hard that it caused her to loose her balance and fall off the stairs..

…

HOSPITAL

I was in the chapel (about an hour or so). Praying to God that He would let her live and that our baby might survive. Asking for forgiveness, asking for one more chance.

I have never felt this kind of fear before. The fear of loosing something that would give meaning to your existence.

I have never felt this pain before. The sensation of someone ripping my heart out as slowly and as agonizingly as possible.

I promised.

I bargained.

I swore.

I asked forgiveness.

I asked for a second chance.

I asked for a miracle.

I asked.

I begged.

"Lord, let me have the chance to tell her that I don't hate her, that her food tastes amazing, that her choice in clothes were wonderful, that she's beautiful..."

I prayed some more.

"Let me tell her that I love her. I may not love her with all of my heart but I love her! I love her and our baby. I love her and I was thankful that she was gonna be the mother of my child."

I was down on my knees my hands clasped tightly, looking at the figure that was nailed on the cross.

I was asking Him to save her, the baby and me.

I'll learn how to cook and make her eat healthy foods.

I'll attend all of the prenatal care sessions.

I'll stop seeing Soojung.

I'll stop thinking about her.

I'll even stop uttering her name.

I will make Kyungsoo happy.

Never make her cry.

I prayed.

I cried.

I begged.

 

 

And on that night I regretted and suffered the loss of my wife and our unborn child.

Truly when you loose someone (something) that’s when you realize how important they (it is) are.

I regretted everything.

For making her suffer.

For making her cry.

For making her worry.

For making her wait.

For not making her smile.

And most of all, for not uttering the words that she wanted to hear the most; 'Let's make this work.'

______________

 

Hehehe… uhm.. what do you think?

I just needed to cook something up to release my feels - I don't really know why the song made me a train wreck (I've listen to it a thousand times already but...).

Yeah, it's like 2:06 am and I've finally finished this unicorn cinnamon poop.

I am leaving you this.
Sorry if it’s crappy.. o(_ _)o

Yeah.. I need to polish my emoji skills.

Leave some comments and if you liked it then (onegaii~) subscribe.

Sorry for the typos, wrong grammar, and for the misspells.
I haven't fully re-read this and just typed away.

 

Thank you for reading :)

Sorry if I didn't put on a tag. I felt that it would have ruin the surprise (?)

V(^______^)V

-g