Moonbyul shuffled her song playlists for seemed to be minutes. No, not this one ! Not you, I’m not in the mood of acting ‘beagle-like’. She kept on scrolling her phone’s screen. Not you, na-ah. Ahhh, this is it. Perfect ! She then pressed the ‘play’ button and proceeded wearing headphones. She didn’t feel like sleeping that night, nor even resting. Eventhough her body was all in fatigue, her mind raced back and forth between the ‘now’ time in the car and the moment she received a call from Minhyuk. 

Dammit, why did he just text me right now ? After all this time, he chooses now ? Why does it have to be now when I finally get recognition ? Why does it have to be him ? She sighed heavily as she thought that by doing so could release an ounce of her anxiety. But no, instead she felt her heart wrenched and filled with unknown emotions. No, it’s not ‘it’. It’s way to impossible to feel that way...again, she messed her hair in frustation. Dammit byul, just focus on listening to the song. It will make you forget, as usual. As always.

The melody of Ailee’s ‘Day by Day’ streamed like rain. Hitting every inch of Byul’s body as if it had its own force to do so. As the lyrics bumped into her, it was too late for Byul to realize that it was a huge mistake of choosing the song. Yes it soothed her body yet the lyrics just made her mind and senses awaken more than they were before. Her mind told her to change the song but heart played the trick of ensuring that it was alright to feel melancholy, that it was alright to be not always ‘strong’, that it was alright to be shaken out of a call.

I am alone in a tiny room
I’m always awaken every single night
It’s all ‘cause I think of you too much
Just like a fool, I just can’t let you go
Even for a day

My life hasn’t ended, I ensure myself
So I pretend to be okay
But that’s all meaningless, that’s all useless
‘Cause I keep seeing the moment when you’ll be actually by my side

If only I can erase you from my mind just for a day
Just for a day
‘Cause late at night,
I can’t sleep cause thinking of you too much

Moonbyul felt hot tears dropped down her cheeks. She wiped it reluctantly with her thumb then changed her sitting position to face the car’s window. She was afraid the other members would see her crying. It was not because she wanted to keep secrets from them nor wanted to seem strong. Not at all. In fact, what she needed the most right now was a comforting hug from someone. But the members knew nothing about her past with Minhyuk, and it was too much to ask for them to understand as it was too complicated and tangled in an intricate locks.

Through the window, Moonbyul could see herself crying in silent. She couldn’t help the tears from falling. Not that she was not trying to stop, but it was because there were too much emotion to handle. I’m just a girl, dammit, I’m just a girl. She repeated the thought over and over again until her head hurted.

The highway to Seoul was foggy as rain had hit hard hours ago. Everything was blurry as every vehicle drove in pace, not excluding manager eonni who seemed to drive at 80km/h. She is focusing on the road, so she won’t notice me. Moonbyul monitored the surroundings just in case someone might notice her crying and snorting, but everyone seemed to be drowned in their own world. Whee In at the back seat and Hwasa at the fronts were fast asleep. They looked like two little girls who were exhausted of playing, or working, too much. The babies are so cute. Moonbyul felt her self smiling from seeing the two slept and slightly snored with mouth wide open. She was amazed at how those two could make her feel happy despite being asleep.

She then took a peek at Solar who was sitting beside her. The older girl was facing the opposite window so Moonbyul couldn’t be sure of what Solar was doing. But from the lack of movement, she assumed that the leader was fast asleep too. Let’s not make a scene and try to get some sleep, you head ! Adjusting her back’s position and resting her right cheek on the neck pillow, Byul decided to sleep for minutes before they reached dorm.

As Mamamoo got more recognition from their latest hit ‘Um Oh Ah Yeah’, they were packed with tight schedules. Having four activities in a day was a ‘kind-to-go’ thing. Not that they were complaining -after all it was their dream to be a recognized group-, but as they say, ‘fame came with price’. Exhaustion, sleep deprivation, and lack of time to enjoy themselves were in their rules right now. Their life revolved around stages to stages, car, practice room, and dorm. That was their reality, and Byul liked it nevertheless as it kept her from thinking about other things. Until ‘that thing’ came to her first in a form of message that day.

Byul, it’s me Minhyuk.
Do you still remember me ? How’s everything with you ?
Can we meet ? I’d love to meet an old friend
So, what do you say ?

Mamamoo was preparing to perform on music show and Moonbyul was waiting for her make up to be touched up at the moment the message received. Her heart twitched as Minhyuk’s name written on her screen. The feelings were just like de javu. She knew too well of the sensation as she had gone through it all years ago. Frozen, she didn’t know how to respond. Her hands were numb. Her mind went blank. Every movements in the waiting room seemed to move in slow motion.

“Eonni, aren’t you going to pick up that call ?” Hwasa interrupted Byul’s trance while pointing at her phone uninterestedly.

“Wh-what call ?” Byul disconnected from reality as she tried to recollect fragments of her mind of what was going on.

“That call, eonni,” Hwasa grunted in frustration, “your phone’s buzzing. Someone’s calling !”

Moonbyul mouthed ‘ah’ and picked her phone then walked outside. Unknown number, who is it ? Is it him ? What do I have to do ? What do I have to say if it’s really him ? Do I have to pick it up ? Unconsciously, she walked back and forth without even leaving the room, left the others confused.

“What is wrong with her ?” Solar asked Whee In through mirror as the younger was sitting besides her.

“I don’t know. She seems off.”

“But she was completely fine hour ago.”

“I don’t know, eonni. You ask her, then,” replied the younger.

Solar knew Moonbyul too well. They had been living together for almost 6 years and it was a rarity to see Moonbyul lose her cool. She knew something was up, yet she couldn’t be sure of what that was. Turning her head to check Moonbyul who was talking over the phone, Solar started making wild guesses. Who is calling her ? Is that call really special to the extent Byul wants to take it outside?

“Hello ?”

“Hey, why aren’t you replying my message ?” a man’s voice was heard. Moonbyul heart dropped as if it was pulled to her feet. It’s him

“Hei, are you there ? It’s Byul’s number right ? , I think I got tr-”

“Yes, it’s me, Moon Byul.”

“Aaah, thank God. I thought I got tricked by given fake number,” the man’s voice was as deep as Byul could remember. It’s HIM. “So, what are you saying us two meet ? I’d like to catch up with an old friend,” the voice seemed interested.

“Minhyuk-ssi, is it you ?” Moonbyul couldn’t think of any other responses. It was instinctive to her to assure that it was Minhyuk she was calling to. That it was his voice she heard so closely. That it was his deep breath she was counting on. Silence came for seconds before Minhyuk’s laugh broke the ice.

“Hahahaha, Byul-ah, you’re really funny,” Minhyuk giggled, “Yes, it is me. Minhyuk, your friend at the academy. Oh, it is Minhyuk Btob by the way, Mamamoo’s Moonbyul-ssi,” the boy kept giggling. “So, you’re in ?”

“I don’t know, I don’t- wait, I have to go right now. Bye !” Moonbyul hung up the call. Her heart raced so fast the she was sure to have heart attack at any time. It was never getting easier for her to hear Minhyuk’s voice and to talk to him. Not after all the years passed. Not after the heart break she got from the very person years ago. Not after the rejection and humiliation she felt at the park that gloomy Saturday afternoon.

“Hey, kids ! Wake up. We’ve arrived !” Manager eonni’s voice broke the dream Byul had. It wasn’t a mere dream after all as she only remembered walking and wondering aimlessly at desserted island feeling hopeless and lifeless. The dream perfectly fits me right now. Moonbyul pouted her lips in desperation.

All of the members hurried getting out of car as they were extremely tired and the image of warm cozy bed was very tempting. All of them were a mess as their hair were tangled and eyes swollen. None of them was talking as sighing alone was too much to do. They packed their belongings first and made sure nothing’s left in the car before shutting the doors hard.

“I wanna take a shower first before going to bed,” Moonbyul muttered to herself while walking with head down before a hand reached her and gripped the wrist. It was Solar’s.

“Eonni, what the heck are you two doing ? Hurry up, I’m super tired,” Whee In screamed from the basement’s elevator followed by Hwa Sa’s irritated look witnessing the two older members stood still while holding hand.

“You two go first with manager eonni ! I’ll catch up soon. Moonbyul said she was hungry-”

“What ? No, I’m-” Moonbyul’s word were cut off of Solar’s pinch on her thumb.

“Shut up and just follow my lead,” Solar said straight to Byul’s eyes.