You were this little scared kid who didn't know what she'd got onto trying to communicate with everybody she got close to, laughing and apologizing nervously while everyone ran away. You reminded me of me.

« They don't speak English. »

 

I said, and you were so happy to hear some familiar words I guess because you almost hurt your neck turning on my direction.

« Yeah I.. Never thought this would be so difficult. So.. Hey I'm Amber »

« Chrystal, but you can also call me Soojung. »

« Yeah.. I think I prefer the first one, you know. »

 

You got so attached to me since then. And day by day, I got attached too.

 

« You're not eating? » The look on your face was like someone had just grounded you.

« I.. » you leaned onto me and dropped your voice to a mere whisper « I really don't like rice so I'll just wait for the main dish. » I tried not to laugh, and put my most serious face for a good couple of seconds « Oh, well, that's gonna be a problem.. Rice is actually the basis for the main course, everything else is just complements. » « Really? » Your face was even more sorrowful while your looked from my face to the bowl you had in front of you « I understand.. I.. I'll eat well. » you said with a smile that almost turned into a wince. And you tried, like you always tried everything people ask you to. And that's why I didn't laugh.. Not that hard. This time it was me who leaned on you and whispered in your ear « Eat slow and pretend you're already full. » « But I'm really hungry. » «I know, idiot. I'll take you out to eat something when we get to finish our schedule. »

 

If I think about it a bit, that could be the first date we had.

 

Remember the time when we were told we were going to debut? We were so excited even when our schedule became an absolute mess « I got a question, how many minutes are we allow to breath? » I still remember when on your free time you sneaked in other's people practice room and tried learning some move with them, specially with the boys, who ended up getting used to it and even took you on competitions against them. I don't know how could you do that, I was always exhausted, annoyed, and the only thing I wanted to do was get home, take a shower and sleep for good. You, instead seemed still very energetic. It was in those days when our schedule made us leave after sunset when my heart opened a little bit closer to you.

 

« Hey, gorgeous, why are you so alone? »

« Mind if I take you home? »

« Don't you think a pretty girl like you should walk with a handsome boy like me? »

 

Fear made me try and hasten my steps and keep walking with my eyes on the concrete trying hard not to pay attention to the group of boys who were around me, is what they had taught me, if you don't pay attention to them, they'll end leaving you alone. But passing over someone is really hard to do when they star blocking your way every three seconds.

« C'mon beautiful, let's take a walk. »

 

Then the guy who seemed older took my wrist but he wasn't the only one, someone else took his hand, stopping him. « And what do you want? »

« You're annoying my girlfriend. And I'm very sure she doesn't wanna go with you. »

 

I looked up but rermained in silence watching everything, they were more and the guy who was disturbing me wanted to intimidate you but the look on your face told him it wasn't a good idea. Your face.. I'll never gonna forget that face.

 

You waited a few seconds for the bullies to go away and this time it was you who took my wrist strong enough so I wouldn't fight but without doing me the slightest damage, walked toward a café and made me sit on a remote table, that was when you talked again « Did he hurt you? » I shook my head. Your voice was soft, of concern.. But it also was anger and that was something I haven't heard in you before « From now on I'll go with you. Anywhere. » « Ok. » « Good. » you loosened your pose and mixed the liquid in your cup wich made a minute of silence « Amber.. » your hand stoped and your eyes met mine waiting for me to complain about something, I must admit I have a pretty good habit of doing so but in that moment I had no complain at all « Thank you. » you smiled and mi face smiled too, after that we both took our drinks and you walked me home.

 

I hadn't notice but the previos meeting with the gang left me a mark and you hadn't stop caressing, thinking. « Soojung.. » you were practicing Hangul and somehow my name had become one of your favorite, I guess now I know why « maybe this is not the best moment but I don't wanna go home without doing this.. I.. » you looked for my eyes and then « I would like to.. » you shooked your head and then moved your free hand near your face, as if you were trying to keep off an invisible bug « I want.. » a quick breathe « Would you be my girlfriend? »

 

Time stopped and even when the weather were so cold I couldn't feel it at all. My lack of response increased the pinch of fear I had managed to decode in your eyes and then you started to move your hand behind your neck and babble explanations and apologies, but you didn't let go my hand or took a step back. That gave me courage. My lips hushed yours, a small kiss that helped to swap places and then leave you frozen in time, speechless. I took advantage of that and took your right hand with confidence, it while I gave you a sheepish smile, I knew you'd understand it better than a « Yes » properly said. I gave you another kiss. Fugacious. You were the first girl I ever kissed.. Actually, you were my first kiss ever and I must admit I'm really happy it was you « You're so stupid. Good night. »

« Good night.. Princess. »

 

The smile on my face lastet the whole night. I swear.

 

« This is my girlfriend. »

You kept saying again and againand there was this thin but permanent smile on your face. You were beautiful. Don't get me wrong, you've always been beautiful, but is in those little moments when you're free that I see another kind of beauty in you, something I sometimes doubt about having myself, even if you always bother me saying you're not so sure who's the stupid one between us. When you smile like that you make smile too. Then you go and say it out loud in front of a camera and I promise you I wanna kill you right there.

« Don't say that here. »

« She's a little shy talking about us. »

 

Did I mention sometimes I really wanna kill you? Although I don't do it 'cause I think my sister does a very good job scaring you.

 

My sister. Being honest, at first I was fun, everytime she saw us, Sooyeon got there and hugged me to claim me as hers or just to took me away from you with the excuse of show me something, everytime we were together, just right after killing you with her gaze, I didn't know why she did that but it made me feel tenderness, your reaction I mean.

I thought it was maybe because she still saw me as the little five year old girl who used to hidde behind her when I felt panic. Now I know she just wanted you to prove her you really deserved me (even though I already knew, even then). Jess told me how you sorted it out, when you took a chance on a SMTOWN to go after her and “confront her”. You showed that you really would fight for me and for that reason you liked her. Anyway, sometimes she just keeps scaring you just to keep you nervous. For those times my sister gives you a hard time, I'm sorry.

 

Soojung let her gaze to land on the image outside the window before resuming the thread of her thoughts.

 

I'm.. A bit aggresive sometimes and very shy in others.. Sometimes you make me corny in the extreme and that makes me hit you and call you Stupid because it's like "Yah! I love you but don't do this to me. You little dork."   I'm afraid someone comes and then they'll make you see I'm not that cute nor funny.. That I'm not that special as you see me and then they'll take you away from me. Because maybe I don't show this.. But I don't know how to live without you anymore.. Without your silly gestures, or the random dances, without that awkward smile when someone gives you a compliment that makes you blush because you don't know how to react. without that tickling in my fingertips when you link your hand with mine, no matter if someone is watching us. I'm scared to death thinking that someone else gets to know your dreams and secrets that you have entrusted me when we're in bed, in the middle of the night, while you're stoking my skin battling with the cold  and I give you the last kiss and the last I love you of the day, just before falling asleep.

 

Gosh.. I'm getting emotional and I'm soaking the sheet. Enough said. The point is.. Every time I call you things, or hit you.. I'm really saying "I love you and I feel bless for having you with me."

Let's change the subject.

 

Remember the first time I called you eonni? You were so shocked that you turned completely serious and pale thinking I was mad at you and is just I'd never call you that way, even now I don't do it. Unless I wanna make you feel something very different from fear that is not suitable to write in this diary if someone finds it and reads it.

Sidenote: Dear someone who has no issues on this diary... GET OUT OF HERE. MIND YOUR OWN BUSSINESS OR I PROMISE I'LL FIND YOU AND I'LL KILL YOU.

 

Well.. In that moment I laughed and assured you everything was fine and then you smiled and asked me to say it again, once, twice more until I refused to do it but no one could take that silly smile that I love and at the same time irritates me so much.

 

I adore you. Completely. 

I think that's what I'm trying to express in these pages. I cannot be more in love, I'll never be in love with anyone else but you.. Fire knows how to melt her Ice Princess.

 

—You're so beautiful when you're focused on something.

Her girlfriend's voice made her took her eyes off from the page she was finishing in that moment, almost the last one of the diary. And then she noticed about that smile that in her own words, was one of the most beautiful smiles on earth.

—How long have you been watching?

—I just got here. What are you writing on?

—Hm.. Something.

—Am I gonna be able to read that something sometime?

—Maybe.

—Soojung..

—You love me— answered the younger girl with aegyo, something she used not so often.

—I don't have any other option, tho.

—..What?

—Joking.

—You..— Amber quieted her protest with a kiss however she still got a hit on her arm as she settled on the couch, beside her girl.

—Yah.. Treat your servant a bit better.

—Maybe.

 

Amber loved those moments, when she used to girlfriend and then ease her up with kisses, she knew that underneat the aggressiveness and cold gestures was hidding the warmest heart she could ever touch. That was something just very few could see, when Krystal took off from her Ice Princess title and showed her fragil inside. And she was hers. Princess was hers.

—Soojungie.. I've been thinking a lot about something. We've been in love for each other since.. Forever, you know? And.. I know I'm a dorky Llama but.. I really wanna make you mine. I really wanna live with you, love you a whole entire life. I think our story started so much before we even notice about it so.. I know this isn't glamorous at all, but it's something I must do even if I'm afraid of your answer— her hand reached into her pocket of the sweatshirt she was wearing and pulled out a small object, showing it on her hand —Marry me, Jung Soojung.

 

"Oh my.."

 

While Krystal listened to her words she felt an odd sensation.. A mixture between tickling and jittery that enlarged and filled her completely with every second passing until it reached , just when she saw her girlfriend pulling out the small bright object —Why are you doing this to me?— she babbled and she almost could feel how the heartbeat of the older girl vanished and seconds later speeded up in a terror attack, ¿Amber was that sure she'd say no? —YAH! WHY TOOK YOU SO LONG.. YOU STUPID— Soojung stoped yelling and took a deep breath placing her hands in the face of the girl next to her to kiss her in a clumsy but emotional because she knew that if she tried making a single word she'd end up screaming again. She felt again her arms around her waist and the lump in dissapeared letting her answer in a whisper on those lips she loved to kiss. And bite. Especially bite, at more.. Private times. —Yes.. Of course I wanna marry you, Amber Josephine Liu.

 

She saw her as Amber's face went from sheer terror to the purest happiness as she took her hand and gently slid the ring on her finger.

—Ice and Fire are gonna get married.

—Ice cannot be happier right now.

—A little bit melted too?

—Completely melted.

And she was. Now she knew how to end that last page on her diary.

 

 

 

Even if the season or the world changes,

I will always love you, 'cause you are my destiny.

You're my Destiny — F(x), 2009