Dear little brother,

Right now, at this moment, I am watching you trying to tie your own necktie. I can tell you’re struggling, because you’ve never had to do this before and I’m kind of happy about that. You take one last look in the mirror to check your appearance, even though it’s the last thing you care about right now. You open the water tap and wash your face to get rid of the traces of your tears. You heave a sigh when you’re done and slowly make your way downstairs to meet up with mom and dad in the kitchen. It’s quiet, no words are shared during breakfast. Everyone is too exhausted to utter a word. Too scared to break the silence. Too scared to talk, in fear of the possibility of one of you breaking down. You try to eat breakfast, even though you have no appetite. It’s hard to swallow because of the tears you’re trying to hold back. You look up at mom and dad and see that they’re in no better shape than you are. You quietly finish your breakfast and put away your bowl. You walk towards the vase that’s standing on the table and grab the bouquet you prepared for me. I take a look at them and smile, because I see that you picked my favorite flower: the blue iris. It symbolizes faith and hope. The Greek Goddess Iris, the messenger of the gods and the personification of the rainbow, acted as the link between heaven and earth. It’s ironic how fitting the meaning seems now.

You put on your shoes and look up to see that mom and dad are ready to leave. You’re the last to leave so you turn around to lock the door. You drag your feet and slowly make your way over to the car. Your mind is empty during the entire trip. You try not to think about anything, in fear of your mind wandering too far. Mom and dad are quiet as well.

Once you’re at the funeral, people start showing up quickly. You look around and see familiar faces. I’m surprised at the amount of people that showed up. I never would’ve imagined this many people to be at my funeral. I smile softly when I see my closest friends standing near each other. My smile disappears once I see their sad expressions. I look at Jaehyun, whom I had been dating with for the past three years. I slowly feel the sadness spreading within me, but I try to suppress it. Nobody really talks besides the people who are offering their condolences to you and our parents. I see Jaehyun walk up to you and ruffle your hair. I chuckle, because I know you hate it when people ruin your hair. I watch Jaehyun from afar and I can tell that he’s trying to be the strongest he can be. I sigh, because it’s alright to put your guard down, Jaehyun.

The funeral service started a little while ago. It’s your turn to do your funeral speech. I can tell by the look on your face that you don’t want to do this. You stand up slowly and make your way to the front. You put your hand in your pocket to grab the speech that you had written down. It takes a while before you start your speech. You take a deep breath.

‘Dear sister,

It’s been a couple days since you left. The house has been quiet. I hate to admit it, but I’m starting to miss your obnoxious singing and dancing. I’m sorry for complaining about it. I would do anything to hear your voice and see your silly dance moves again right now. I would do anything to experience that again.

I remember you would always tease me for being small, until I suddenly started growing and became taller than you. That was when I started teasing you instead, and then you would always scold me. I wish you were here to see me grow up even more. I still have a long way to go in life.

I wish I could’ve protected you that day. I wish I had stopped hanging out with the wrong crowd so that you had never argued with Jaehyun over me. It’s hard not to blame myself, but I know that you would be mad at me for thinking this way, so I try not to. You don’t have to worry about me. I will grow strong and even taller, so that when we reunite one day, I can protect you instead of you protecting me. I won’t ever let harm come to you again. So I will say goodbye for now, until the day we meet again.’

It starts raining softly. In some way you are relieved about that, because now your tears could be hidden by the rain.

Once you get home you immediately go to your room and lay down on your bed. The past couple of days were tough for you, but this one was the toughest of all. Having to say goodbye out loud made everything feel so definite. You didn’t like that, but you knew it was necessary in order to move on. I think about all of the good times that I spent together with you. I’m glad that you and I barely fought and had a good relationship as siblings. I’ve realized that there’s not enough time in life to waste it on arguing and fighting. So I hope that you’ll learn from my mistakes and that you will treat all the people around you with respect and love from now on.

You stand up and walk towards the window to take a look outside. The rain stopped a little while ago and the sky has started to clear up. In the distance you slowly see a rainbow forming. You smile softly, because you know that I’m watching over you.