Day 2

            Sunlight filtered through an unfamiliar window to my right as I clawed my way out of sleep. I was in an unfamiliar bed but it was comfortable – probably the most comfortable bed I had ever been in. The comforter was a light blue as well as most of the other things in the room. Vaguely I recalled being carried but I could hardly remember a thing past getting in the car the previous day. Sitting up I scratched my head and took a moment to marvel the actual rats nest on my head. Then, I took a moment to marvel at the room around me.

            It was the kind of bedroom I’d only ever seen in movies – all the furniture seemed to be part of the same set and included a desk. The blue was present everywhere in the room but it wasn’t tacky. There was a full mirror hanging on what was either a door to the hallway or a door to a closet.

            The door was neither. It was a door to a bathroom. My own bathroom! The blue was prevalent in the bathroom, as well. Almost immediately I felt that this room was my room. The awkwardness I expected to have about moving into somewhere new was nonexistent. At least in this room. Heading towards the only other door in the room I found myself in a hallway with wooden floors and light brown walls. Decorating the walls were various pictures of singer Kim Jong Kook – a lot of them seemed to be from back in the day. There weren’t too many pictures – maybe 7-8 – so hopefully that means he’s not a closet narcissist. Continuing down the hall, it opened up to a kitchen and living room. The kitchen was modernly furnished – at least as far as I could tell. And then living room looked lived in – the black leather couch was worn but not terribly so. Across from the couch, mounted on the wall, was a rather large flat screen TV and under the TV was a sort of cabinet filled with movies. There was also a glass door leading to a balcony on the left side of the couch. Outside, laundry was hanging on a rack to, presumably, dry.

            I could confidently say that this apartment was a nicer place than I had ever lived in. It was also a place so far beyond my expectations - a place I'd only ever seen in a dream. 

The Unfortunate Living Circumstances

Of A Girl

1. Trailer

2. One-bedroom apartment – no bed

3. Back to the trailer

4. A Nissan Maxima for 5 months

5. Back to the Trailor

6. Two-room apartment – with a rat and roach infestation

That never got taken care of.

            I heard the click of a door and I turned away from the balcony door. From down another hall, Jong Kook appeared in casual shorts and a t-shirt that had been sweated through. He seemed slightly surprised to see me, as though he’d forgotten for moment that I existed, and then he smiled.

“You’re awake,” he stated, as he went to the kitchen and set down a couple bags he’d been carrying on his wrist, “Did you like your room?”

I nodded as I said, “Yeah it’s great,” while smiling, walking closer towards him, “Thanks,” I added as an afterthought.

“No problem,” he paused, “Kind of my job right now, anyway.” I winced. Right. Job. Obligation. Yep.

“Well…you didn’t have to – I would have been cool sleeping on the couch.”

“No,” he paused again, “I wanted to. I don’t have many people to spend money on,” he explained. I nodded. He handed me a half gallon of milk and I took it to the fridge. “Oh, this too,” he said as he tossed a brick of chicken at me, I fumbled for a bit before I secured it in my arms and he chuckled. I scowled. Not in a mean way. In like a “how dare you,” kind of way. It was weird how natural this was and how easily both of us ignored the elephant in the room. After putting away the groceries he handed me a roll of something. I looked at him in confusion.

“It’s called kimbap. It’s seaweed wrapped around rice and some other stuff.” I nodded. Sounded okay, at least. “Come sit over here,” he directed me towards a seat at the brown kitchen table and I followed, sitting and unwrapping the kimbap roll. It didn’t smell like much but…you never know. He stood up abruptly and went back into the kitchen, coming back and grabbing two pairs of chopsticks.

Immediately, a stone settled in my stomach. He handed me the chopsticks and I smiled in thanks. Trying to maneuover the chopsticks into the way I’d seen on TV on the occasion, I attempted to pick up a piece of the roll. After several attempts, I glanced over at Jong Kook but he was fully concentrated on his food. Probably hungry after working out, I presumed. Biting my lip, I stared at his fingers and tried to mimic the formation. However, no matter how much I tried, my fingers wouldn’t move the way I wanted them to.

“Umm…” I trailed off, giving up on the chopsticks and deciding to eat with my fingers instead – too embarrassed to ask him to teach me. He glanced up at me – as if to say ‘what?’ “I just…I think maybe we should talk…maybe? About like this whole situation.” I winced as the words came out like vomit. He nodded.

“Yeah, but let’s eat first, okay?” I nodded in response, picking up one of the round slices. Sniffing it as I picked it up to my mouth, I took a quick bite. It actually tasted quite good. With a sigh of relief, I proceeded to eat. Jong Kook chuckled from across the table, I glanced up from the roll.

“Is it good?” He asked with a smile. I nodded again, my cheeks filled with rice as well as other ingredients. He laughed again, motioning to my cheeks in explanations. I blushed red – embarrassed. I wanted to say that I wasn’t raised as savagely as my etiquette seemed to demonstrate but my mouth was fully occupied by everything but words. Swallowing, I reached for another piece but realized that I had finished it. A rough hand reached across the table and dropped another piece in front of me. I gladly ate it – a weird feeling of warmth spreading through my chest. Having largely been self-sufficient as a kid, it was weird for me to be taken care of.

“Thank you,” I said, bowing slightly, after I swallowed the last piece of kimbap.

“Mmm.” He nodded and then leaned forward, crossing his arms over his chest and resting his elbows on the table. “So…Jessi-ah…” he knew my name – although it did sound like a Korean name when he said it, “Now that you’re in Korea…” he paused and shook his head, “Mmm…what should I say,” he chuckled, “Well, okay,” he shuffled his hands together, “Okay, mmm,” I couldn’t help but laugh a little at his stuttering and he smiled and coughed, “Okay, first things first, you’re my daughter, right?” I nodded, agreeing, “Well, oh I don’t know – Look, I just want you to know that I agreed to taking you in as soon as I heard about your Mom - before it was even confirmed that you were my daughter.” I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding.

“Really?” He nodded, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

“I was extremely willing to take you in and I’m sorry that I didn’t know about you before now. But, anyways, part of taking on this role is providing for you and protecting you so…if you ever need anything you just need to ask me, or if anyone’s bothering you, you need to tell me.” He paused and in a breath, “Yesterday, I felt so awful because of that girl and because we didn’t consider how jet lagged you must have been. So, as my first act as your guardian, I just wanted to apologize for that – that’s really not what I wanted your first day to be like.”

I snorted, amused at how rehearsed he sounded – he must have been really nervous. “Yeah not exactly the best day,” I said with a wry grin that made him smirk, as well. “Are there any plans for today?”

“Depends on how you feel…”

“I’m good,” And I was good, feeling better than I had in a while.

“Well…I thought maybe we could go out and get you any things you need…” I shook my head.

“It’s really not necessary,” I lied. He eyes me seriously and sighed.

“Look, I know you only have a backpack of stuff…” Almost immediately, my bottom lip found itself attacked by front teeth – a nervous habit.

“It’s enough for me,” I said firmly.

“I want to give you more than enough,” he shot back tersely. I looked down at the table, rubbing my hands together from where they sat in my lap. Finally, I nodded.

            “But I really don’t need much,” I added, he sighed in response.

Shopping with a Stranger:

He liked pink.

I did not.

He liked dresses.

I did not.

He gave up.

I got what I wanted for the first time in my life.

            “You have a really boyish style, you know that?” Jong Kook commented, two bags of clothes hanging on his right arm.

            “No, I didn’t know that,” I replied, adjusting the snapback on my head and rolling my eyes for emphasis. He sighed – I seem to make him do that a lot. He probably regrets taking me in all ready - wanting a daughter and wanting a daughter like me are two very different things.

            We spent a good four or five hours just shopping for clothes and before too long I had a cell phone, as well. I told him that it wasn’t unusual in the States to not get a phone until high school – which was not untrue but also not necessarily the reality of the situation. I didn’t necessarily want him to know the reality of the situation; that I grew up dirt poor with a drug addicted mother and too many men trying to be my father and wanting something quite different than a paternal sort of love. No, I especially didn’t want him to know that last part.

            “Want to grab some lunch?” I nodded in consent and soon we were at a BBQ restaurant with personal grills at each table. I had never seen people grilling their own meat before and it was positively fascinating. Jong Kook gave me an amused glance as we were sat down at a table. The chairs were a little high for me and I basically had to climb the chair spokes to drag myself into it – this earned me another amused glance accompanied by a cough that suspiciously sounded like a chuckle. My bottom lip stuck out as I pouted jokingly. Our order was placed and we were left at the table with a strange silence between us. Strange because there was so much to say – so many questions to ask and answers to be given.

            “So…you’re a pretty big deal…huh?” I started, and almost immediately regretted – it sounded way too rude. Lucky for me, Jong Kook found it funny and coughed-chuckled which I was beginning to realize was a habit of his.

            “You could put it that way,” he replied and a girl took a photo from outside the window as if to prove his point.

            “Why’d you become a singer?”         

            “Just kind of happened,” he laughed out, mirth in his eyes as he seemed to recall events long passed. “What about you? What do you like to do?” I paused in thought.

            “Judo. I like Judo a lot.” His eyes nearly popped out of his head.

            “You’re a Judoka?”

            “Yeah,” I replied shyly, “Won first in a couple of competitions also…My mom’s ex-boyfriend got me into it,” I explained.

            “Wah…that’s really cool. What belt are you?” The genuine interest in his eyes made the strange warmth bubble up inside me again.

            “Black – San Dan.”

            “Really? Wah…” he paused, “Do you have your uniform still?” I nodded, “Do you want to keep doing Judo?” My whole face spread as I smiled widely.

            “Could I?” he nodded, “Really?” he nodded again.  I nearly shot out of my seat but was immediately scolded as I hit my knee on the table. Wincing, I gingerly rubbed my knee – Jong Kook laughed.

            The day continued like that – asking questions back and forth (nothing too personal) - until the moon was high in the sky and Jong Kook advised that we should head back home. It warmed me again when he included me in this “home” of his. I marveled at how he was able to take all of this in stride.

            As I laid in bed that night – my own bed – in a brand new set of pajamas all I could do was smile. I felt like the luckiest kid in the world. And then, as the night got longer and sleep seemed to defy me, doubt and insecurity crept into my head as well as a deep and profound sadness that brought tears to my eyes. Wonderings of “what if’ popping into my head as I thought of a childhood I missed out on because of my mom. My poor dead mother. I hadn’t thought of her once in the last couple of days which was a record for me – the horror scene I walked in on was not easily forgotten nor were the years of care – regardless of how negligent that care was. 

The Unsolved Case of a Wet Pillow:

A thirteen-year-old girl sobbed

And sobbed

For reasons even she could not exactly pinpoint

Then, she fell into restless sleep