You have no right to ask me how I feel

You have no right to speak to me so kind

Someday I might find myself looking in your eyes

But for now... We'll go on living seperate lives

After crying and crying, later that night Kyungsoo find himself being dragged by Baekhyun to sleep with Junmyeon. But even after crying his feeling out loud, Kyungsoo can't fall asleep like he wanted to. He just want to close his eyes, sleep his feeling away and hopefully.. hopefully he will be awake tomorrow and feel, even just slightly, feel better. He just lying there on the bed, staring at the ceiling, recalling what happened that day. Untill he find some way, to give himself some way out for the horrible feeling he had right now. So early in the morning, right before any members awake, he walk out of the bedroom, heading back to the terrace with his cellphone and call that one person he know will always be there by his side.

.

.

"Hi Mom.."

***

"Hyung, do you see Kyungsoo? I didn't see him in the room when I woke up this morning.." Junmyeon ask their Manager-hyung first thing in the morning when he see him walking into their dorm. All the members surprisingly already wake up, eventhough the atmosphere is not that great. Especially Jongin, that looks so gloomy, and Baekhyun who has eyebags under his eyes. Everybody wanna ask the same question that Junmyeon asked to their Manager-hyung. They haven't see Kyungsoo at all this morning, and that's a very strange thing. First, Kyungsoo is a morning person. Second, he can't be found anywhere in their dorm. And remembering how Kyungsoo condition yesterday, you can't blame them if they feel concerned with this sudden "missing in action" thing,

"Good morning to you too Junmyeon, and good morning all. I see you all already wake up. What a surprise. And for our Kyungsoo, this morning he asked me permission to go out. Since we don't have any schedule so I let him, beside he looked terribly tired, and I think he really need some refreshing.."

"So why are you here? Aren't you suppose to accompany him?"

"He said he wants to drive himself. He rarely asked that, so why not.. He sounds so tired, that boy really need some fresh air.."

Everybody nod in agreement,because they know how busy Kyungsoo had been these past few months. But one person still looking not sure, like he want to ask further question. Jongin wants to know more. But he hold it in. 

"I'll call him" Baekhyun gets up and walk to the room he slept that night to take his phone. Chanyeol follow him because he too wants to know.

"Hey, do you think he will pick up his phone?" Chanyeol ask when they're already in the room. 

"Let's just try it. I feel worry you know.. Last night is just.."

"I know.. I know how it feel.." Chanyeol answer lowly. Because damn, he know exactly how Kyungsoo feel.

"Chan.." Baekhyun grab one of Chanyeol hand and hold it tight. 

Chanyeol just smile at Baekhyun while holding his hand back. There's some understanding in his eyes and Baekhyun will never stop falling for this side of his Chanyeol. And just like that, while holding hands, together they're waiting for the persom from the other side to pick their call up. And luckily, they don't have to wait for long.

"Baek Hyung.."

"Kyungsoo! Where are you? Why are you driving alone without our manager-hyung? Are you okay?" 

"Hyung.. one by one please.." Kyungsoo reply with a heavy tone.

"Oops, sorry sorry.. Okay, where are you now Kyungsoo?"

"Out.."

"Yeah genius, I obviously know that. But seriously, where are you going to? Why did you go so early in the morning by yourself?"

There's a silence, and finally Kyungsoo let out another sigh and give his answers.

"I'm gonna meet my Mom, Hyung. And I just want to be alone before I meet her, that's why I choose to go early in the morning and drive alone. I need some fresh air.. "

Of course Kyungsoo needs his time alone. How stupid of me, Baekhyun tells himself.

"Oh okay.. Send my greetings to ahjumma, tell her that I miss her.. And Kyungsoo, take your time.. Take care.. Bye.."

"Okay Hyung, Bye." and then they hung up.

Baekhyun let out a long sigh, a sigh of relieve because at least he knows now where Kyungsoo is and he knows that meeting one of your closest person is the best comfort in this kind of situation.

"So... where's he now?" Chanyeol breaks the silence. He still feel so curious abour Kyungsoo whereabouts.

"He's gonna meet with his Mom.."

"Aaaah.. that's a relieve.. At least he will be with someone he can count on.."

"Yeah.. Chan, I just think Kyungsoo really need someone by his side right now.."

"And he knows it too.. That's why he's with his Mom right now.. Let's go, we need to tell the others so they won't feel worry"

Chanyeol stands up and pull Baekhyun out of the room with him. Just when they open the door, they meet with someone who already stand in front of the door.

Actually Chanyeol already predict that this person will wait them like this, because he's more curious more than anyone else. Far more than anyone else.

"Jongin.. Do you need anything?"

"Hyung... did he pick up his phone?"

"Yes, Jongin he picked up my call." It's Baekhyun who answer him. Jongin looks like he hasn't asleep for a week. Baekhyun feels sorry for him. For Jongin and for Kyungsoo too.

"What did he say, Hyung?"

"He's meeting someone right now and we don't need to worry.."

"Wh.."

"I think it's best for us to let him take his time alone. And I believe you know this better than anyone else Jongin. You too, take your time. Take a rest and clear your head.."

And just like that Baekhyun and Chanyeol left Jongin in front of the bedroom and walk to the living room to inform the other members while Jongin still standing right there getting another weight in his heart because he couldn't bear the feeling of not knowing where is Kyungsoo.

***

At the other side of the town, Kyungsoo is driving to the place where his Mom already waiting for him. He kinda feel bad to his Mom for asking her to come and meet him this early morning. He never like to be a burden to his parents. But right now, he just really need his Mom. Someone who knows him better than anyone else. Someone who knows his heart, sometimes even better than himself. And to be honest, he just need his Mom comfort. Like a son who is sick and needed his Mom to hug him to get better. Kyungsoo feels that way too. When he arrives at the restaurant, he sees his Mom already sitted inside the restaurant and enjoying a cup of tea. Kyungsoo smiles at the sight, because he misses seeing his Mom so much. So he hurry and approach his Mom. 

"Mom, sorry are you waiting for too long?"

"Aigoo, look who's here.. My son, please give your Mom a hug first.."

So Kyungsoo do what his Mom asked him to do. Also what he really wanted to do right now. He approach his Mom and then hug her tight.

"I'm really miss you Mom.."

"I miss you too, my Kyungie.."

That morning, Kyungsoo finally having a proper breakfast with his Mother. Just like old days, they talk and share the stories that they found interesting. After that, both of them choose to go to the market and buy some groceries. Since Kyungsoo and his Mother loves to cook, they're having a great time while strolling around the market. Kyungsoo just wearing a basic tee with a cardigan and jeans with sneakers, he also use his glasses. It supposed to be dangerous for an idol like him to strolling around the town so freely like that without using something to hide himself. But today Kyungsoo choose to be like what himself before debut, who having fun with his Mom while strolling around the market and tasting many market foods. And just like that they spend all day long having fun like a normal Mother and son, and right now they're in the middle of enjoying sunsets while walking by the Han river. They're walking in silence, but it's a king of comfortable silence. Untill Kyungsoo Mother finally breaks the silence.

"So, Kyungie.. What's in your mind that has been bugging you all day? And don't say it's nothing because your mother knows that whatever it is, it's far from nothing.."

Sometime Kyungsoo wonders how could his Mom read through his mind to easily. Is he such an easy person to read? Or maybe it's just because she is his Mother? Someone who already be with him even before he's born. Someone who love him so unconditionally. That's why Kyungsoo choose to let his feeling out.

"It's just something that happened recently, Mom.."

"You know you can always tell me if you want to, Kyung.."

"Yes, I know Mom.. It's just that I don't know how to say it. How to tell this without making me feel more hurt than before.."

Kyungsoo take a deep breath and exhale it slowly while staring at the sunset.

"Sometimes, keeping things inside your heart will only hurt you more without you realise.. Because some things are meant to be release, instead of keep it to yourself.. It could turn into toxic that would tear you slowly from the inside.."

Another silence. Another step they take while walking by the river. Another deep sigh.

"I think I just lost something that I hold so dearly, Mom.. Just when I thought it would never leave me.."

"Something? or Someone?"

"You know what I mean Mom.." Kyungsoo let out another sigh. Kyungsoo started to feel old because all of the sigh he let out in the past 24 hours.

"Oh my son.. why do you think so?"

"Because... The promise we made, it's broken now. He said he would wait but now he left me. Just when I thought it could be real. When I thought everything we had is real. I feel so alone now Mom. I feel left behind. I feel betrayed. I feel.. broken.."

And just like that another tears make their way down Kyungsoo cheeks. He doesn't bother to hide his face, because there's nothing he could hide from his Mother. He feel small and soft arms reaching around his neck and bring him down to her shoulders. So he burry his face to his mother shoulder and let out all the weight he kept in his heart. When he feel a little calmer, he bring his face up and see his mother is gazing through him. And he just know he would find some answer from his Mother.

"Kyungsoo, first of all, you are not alone darling. You are never alone, because you will always have me and your father by your side.. So many people love you, you just need to see it more.. And son, if something is meant for you it will come to you. In a right time. Maybe now is not the right time, but the time will come and it will be beautiful in its own time. But... if it's not meant for you, you need to learn to let go.. It hurts yes, but holding on to something that's not meant for you will only hurt you more. Do you want to know why?"

Kyungsoo only nods his head, because he really need to know.

"Because it will always trying to break free from you. And it will not only hurt you, but it will also hurt the other party. It will only bring pain. So honey, if this thing you held dearly is not meant for you, try to let go.. Learn to let go. It's a process, but you'll get there eventually. Sometimes, letting go will bring you something you never thought you never thought before.. 

Just believe, that everything happened for a reason. And everything will come back to the place where it's meant to be in the right time.. "

***

Later that night, after driving his Mom back, Kyungsoo drive around the town slowly. Thinking about what his Mom told him before. And a melody of some song he never hear before brings him out of his thoughts. There's something about the lyrics that make him think more about everything that happened.

I know your heart isn’t with me
There is no use in time either
Baby please say nothing
Even if I try to hide it and pretend like it’s nothing
He was always the person that shined in your eyes it wasn’t me
I’ll silently send you to him

Whoo, oh oh oh oh~ be more honest with yourself
Whoo, oh oh oh oh~ he’s still in your heart
Whoo, oh oh oh oh~ it’s not like you to pay attention
Whoo, oh oh oh oh~ my heart is unlike my own
it’s okay to go to him
I’ll only accept that, don’t worry about me
Just go Just go
I’ll let go of the hand that I held
Before I change my mind, don’t regret it and
Just go Just go
Just go Just go

And when he reach the parking area of their dormitory, the song reach it's end and so does his struggle with his mind. 

I’ll hope for the happiness you couldn’t have with me
It’s okay to go to him
I’ll only accept that, don’t worry about me
Just go Just go
I’ll let go of the hand that I held
Before I change my mind, don’t regret it and
Just go Just go
Just go Just go

***

Opening the door to their dormitory never felt this hard for Kyungsoo, but he know he has to face it. He has to finish it. Some people called it closure but Kyungsoo choose to called it peace of mind. The lamp of the dormitory living room is off, that only mean the other members already fall asleep and honestly he kind of relieved. So he walk quietly toward Junmyeon room because he still feel more comfortable to sleep in the other room than his original room. Just when he's about to reach for the knob, someone called his name quietly make him almost scream and jump.

"What are you doing, Kyungsoo-hyung?"

"What the-! Who.. Jongin?" Kyungsoo squint his eyes trying to see who's the person who just shocked him. And lucky-or not so lucky- that person is Jongin. Jongin, the person he wants to see the least but at the same time the most. The least because he's still not ready, the most because he needs his peace of mind.

"Yes. What are you doing in front of Suho-hyung room?"

"I want to go to sleep"

"Why not go into our room?"

Kyungsoo sigh because of that question, because he know Jongin already knew the answer.

"Why are you still awake at this hour, Jongin?" Kyungsoo choose to try to change the subject.

"Because I am waiting for you, hyung. Now don't change the subject, why are you trying to sleep at Suho-hyung room?"

"I think you know why Jongin. Why are asking that again? Now why again are you waiting for me? I'm really not in the mood to debate. Can I go to sleep?" Kyungsoo ask tiredly while looking straight to Jongin eyes. There's a hint of surprise when he heard Kyungsoo answers, but the remain of it are unreadale.

"I know the answer, that's why I'm waiting for you because I want to talk to you."

"What else do you want to talk about? Isn't yesterday enough? Because I think I have enough."

"No, please let's talk. Please, hyung.."

"Fine.. but not here, I don't wanna wake the others up. Let's talk outside" Kyungsoo anwers lowly while walking outside followed by Jongin.

And when they're outside, Kyungsoo choose to talk first. Because he need to let things inside his hear out.

"Listen, Jongin before you talk. I'm gonna talk first. I think what you said yesterday is enough for me to understand what you really want to say to me. I get it, you maybe have had enough and I don't blame you. I know you deserve better. No, you deserve the best. That's why I'm gonna.. I'm gonna..."

He stops for a second, take a deep breath, and then see Jongin right to his eyes.

"..I'm gonna let go. I won't hold you back or hold on to whatever promise back then, because maybe it's best to go on. I know you trying to find your happiness, and that's why I won't stay in the way. I want you to be happy, and if that's mean to let go of whatever holding us back, holding you back, then I will. Me too will find my happiness. So let's just cheer each other and continue as one, as a member EXO."

Kyungsoo finish at one breath, trying to fight back the tears that threatened to fall again and smile as best as he could. He let out a deeep sigh, maybe the deepest one, because finally he really try his Mom advice, to let go. So once again, he sees Jongin right into his eyes and smile.

"I thinks our talk is enough. Let's go back inside, we need to rest" Kyungsoo turn his back and walk back to their dorm. But before he could walk any further, he felt a thug at his wrist when someone pull him back and suddenly he feels his back meets with someone chest and a firm hands wrap tightly around him. And the only thing he could do is letting out a surprise gasp because he's not seeing this coming at all. He freeze.

"No..

Don't let go. 

Don't go on.

Don't find your happiness without me.

I won't find my happiness without you, Hyung.

You are my happiness.."

He can feel Jongin breath around his neck when he burrie his face there. He can feel Jongin's fast heartbeat, or is that his own heartbeat. He doesn't know anymore. Because what's happening right now? What did Jongin say before? Do not let go? But why?  Does he want Kyungsoo to be more drown in sadness?

"What.. are you doing Jongin? Let me go," Kyungsoo tries to release Jongin arms around him but it only get tightens.

"No, I won't Hyung.. I couldn't. I wouldn't let you go. I can't let you go because then you will let me go. When you said you want to let go and go on, and forget about us, hyung I saw my world crumbling down. Hyung, you are my world. You are my happiness.. So please, don't let go.." Jongin says while hug Kyungsoo tightly. He can't let Kyungsoo go,because he is his everything. Kyungsoo is Jongin happiness, so why would Jongin let someone who hold his whole world together go? Someone who make everything worth it, someone who make him go through everything with him by his side. Jongin known since forever, his whole world is complete when he has Kyungsoo by his side.

"What do you mean, Jongin? You said it yourself yesterday, that you can't wait anymore. That you're with her. So why are you lying to now? Why are trying to be selfish? Why won't you let me let go?!" Kyungsoo start to feel his tears falling down again, so he gather all his strength and break free from Jongin tight arms around him. He turns around and take a step back, a step away from the person who really breaks his heart.

"You have no right to keep me like this. I have a right to find my happiness. I believed before that I'd find my happiness in you Jongin. But now, I doubt everything. So please, tell me Jongin, is everything that we've been through is real? Cause I need the answer."

Kyungsoo can see all the feelings flash in Jongin eyes. But no words. No answers. Jongin just stand there, with a slight hurt expression on his face. But Kyungsoo also hurt. Because he can't find the way out, the reason why Jongin choose to leave but ask him to stay.

The silence is killing him inside. Because honestly, Kyungsoo hoped that Jongin would say that everything is real, so he will have something to hold on. Eventough it's so painful to hold on right now.

"If you won't answer me, fine. I'm gonna go back inside. Night, Jongin.."

Kyungsoo hasn't walk that far when he hears the faint sound of Jongin voice.. 

"It was real, hyung.."

Kyungsoo stops. But he refused to turn around, because he can't believe if he heard the right thing.

"It was real. My feelings. And they're still real untill now.."

Kyungsoo can hear Jongin approaching him.

"Will you believe me if I'm telling you my answer Hyung?"

Kyungsoo choose to listen, Jongin knows that so he continues.

"I know what I said yesterday hurt you Hyung, and I'm so sorry for that. But you didn't give me a chance to tell you my true feelings. Yes I said I get the assurance that I seek with her, yes I said I'm happy. But Hyung, I'm not entirely happy. How can I be happy when you're looking at me like I'm some kind of stranger. How can I be happy when you tell me that you'll be happy with that broken smile? How can I be happy when you said you're finally have enough time but because of my foolish self then you told me to let go, that you'd let go? How can I be happy without you Hyung? "

"But you're with her now." Kyungsoo answers with a hush voice. Because that hurts him.

"Hyung... I'm with her so I can be with you.." Jongin answers also in a hush voice. Slowly he reach Kyungsoo shoulders and then turns him so now they're once again face to face. Jongin understand why Kyungsoo looks so confused right now. How could he said he's with someone else so he could be with the one he love.

"What.."

"It's the management Hyung.. They said it's better for me to go with the rumor to keep what we have save.. Please, trust me Hyung.. You are my happiness. So please, don't let go. Because me too not let you go, and never will.."

And just like that Kyungsoo cries again. 

Because now he gets it.

Because now he understand,and he can holding on.

***end***

A/N : So yeah.. hey there.. After such a long time I finally finish this... Please give me your comment and feedback..

And I finally got my Bachelor degree (trust me it's one of the reason why it took me so long to finish the sequel :" )

Please please gimme a comment so I can think about the possibility to write another story.. :)