What hurts the most is how things will never be the same again...

It's a bright Friday morning, a little bit warmer than yesterday and Kyungsoo just sitting there in his room trying to enjoy his calm morning when suddenly someone burst into his room.

"Kyungsoo.. Hey, uh have you.. have you read the news ?"

"News? What news?"

"Oh, nothing. Sorry, I'm just randomly asking people. Hahahaha..Ok. See you and uh.. uh.. just april fool? HAHAHAHA bye."

And just like that Baekhyun awkwardly leave Kyungsoo alone in his room with a very confused and curioused mind.

What the?! News ? Are there any important news this morning ?

And with that in his mind he reached for his phone and search for whatever news on that day.

And what the result makes him wish he didn't open it.

Make him wish that this is only a joke.

***

"Kyungsoo hyung!"

"Oh hey Jongin, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just wanna call your name hehehehe"

"You're so absurd you know that right?"

"Yeah I know. But I know you still like this absurd side of me."

"Whatever makes you sleep at night Jongin hahaha"

"Ya hyung I'm serious, you still like me right?"

Jongin reached Kyungsoo wrist and made him stop walking. His eyes looked so serious that make Kyungsoo wondering is he still joking or trying to make a serious conversation right now.

"Why do you want to know?" Kyungsoo choose to ask first before giving the boy the right answer. 

"Because I like you Hyung."

And that's the first time Jongin say he likes Kyungsoo.

*** 

KAI EXO AND KRYSTAL F(X) ARE DATING?

DISPATCH RELEASED KAI AND KRYSTAL DATING PICTURES

Basically that's the headline of every news that Kyungsoo see in his phone right now. And nothing. He can't seem to think of anything.

His mind went blank all of a sudden. The he remembered what Baekhyun said before.. Is this some kind of April fool pranks?

He just so deep in his silence that he don't hear the sound of his door being opened untill some deep voice awake him from his thought.

"Hey Kyungsoo.."

There in front of him, Chanyeol stand with a concern look. Why does he look so concern? Did he read the news? 

"Chanyeol.."

"You should stop reading them.. Just, stop."

"You know? You already read them?"

Not giving any answer, Chanyeol just take Kyungsoo's phone and turn it off.

"Let's go outside.."

"You're not giving me any answer. Do you know?"

"Yes. I know.." he answered lowly.

"The others know about this? Is this real or some kind of prank they pull for April fool today?"

Kyungsoo starts to feel nauseous, because just by looking at Chanyeol expression he knows that this is not some kind of prank.

This is real.

"Where is he?"

"Kyungsoo, I don't think.." but befor Chanyeol could finish his answer Kyungsoo cut him with a determined eyes.

"Where. Is. He?"

Chanyeol knows that he can't run from answering this.

"He's out with our manager at office right now talking about this.."

Kyungsoo just stay silent. Try to control his breathing, he looks away from Chanyeol and Chanyeol knows that's the cue for him to leave Kyungsoo alone.

Alone now, Kyungsoo just go back and sit on his bed. This is real. This is really happening.

He's not waiting for me anymore.

***

"Hyung you know that I like you right?"

"Jongin.. You've said that many times.." Kyungsoo looked back to Jongin.

Right now they're sitting in their practice room, just the two of them because the others already back to the dorm while Jongin asked Kyungsoo to stay and accompany him to practice his move once again. It's no secret that the two of them so close and comfortable with each other. It has been like that since their trainee days. Kim Jong In and Do Kyung Soo. Kai and D.O. They are like one package.

"Yeah I know, but I feel like you never takt it so seriously.." Jongin now playing with his fingers not meeting Kyungsoo eyes.

Kyungsoo knows what is Jongin trying to say. He knows that perfectly.

"You thinks so? Why?"

"Because you never say that back to me.." 

Kyungsoo could hear the wavering in Jongin voice when he say that. And his heart feel so heavy knowing that he is the reason of that. 

His heart is heavy because he likes Jongin too.

His heart is heavy because he doesn't have the courage to say that.

His heart is heavy becauce he wants to embrace Jongin more that anything.

His heart is heavy because he knows right now he's not brave enough.

"Jongin, please look at me..."

Slowly, Jongin lift his eyes and face Kyungsoo. He could see his hyung troubled face.

"You know it's not like that. If I don't like you, I won't be here right now with you. You should know by now that you are the person I felt so comfortable with. More than the others. Much more.."

Jongin just sit there and stare at his hyung. 

Jongin too know that perfectly.

But he needs more.

"But what if I say I need more hyung?"

"What do you mean?"

"I need more assurance.. I want to know for sure that you like me. More than the others. Is it so selfish for me to ask for that Hyung?"

No. That's not selfist at all. Because that's what Kyungsoo want too..

Kyungsoo really wants to say that.

But once again he's afraid. He's aware of their position. He's aware of their condition.

And he's much more aware of the consequences if he choose to be selfish.

"You know we can't Jongin.."

Now it's Kyungsoo who's not seeing Jongin in the eyes.

"But you know that I love you Hyung.. More than you ever realize.."

Silence. It's silence.

Silence that's suffocating Kyungsoo.

"Do you need time?"

Jongin break the silence. 

Nod. That's the only things Kyungsoo can do to answer that question.

Because he do need time.

He needs time to collect the courage.

He needs time to be braver.

"Hyung I will wait for you.. Take time as much as you want, and when you ready I will still be right here for you"

"Jongin, are you sure?"

"For you, I'm more than sure.."

Kyungsoo hug Jongin so tight that night.

Because Jongin is willing to wait for him.

Because Jongin will be here for him when he's ready.

***

Memory from that night keep replaying in Kyungsoo mind.

How from that day he tried and triend to collect the courage.

How everyday he looked into Jongin eyes and saw that the other is still there and waiting for him.

How he reminds himself to be brave.

How he have faith in Jongin.

So he tried to show his feelings more with his actions.

Like that little moment he had with Jongin in the interview he had with Jongin.

How they compliment each other.. And telling their fans that they're aware of their pairings.. Little moment like that feel so perfect for Kyungsoo.

He's so happy but try to be modest. Because he knows he can't be too clear for the sake of both of them.

Kyungsoo realize that there were time he had a great distance with Jongin especially with his individual schedule. The shot he had to do for his new movie. The promotions. 

He knew Jongin felt left behind because honestly Kyungsoo himself felt the distance is working him out.

But he try to keep in touch with Jongin,

He knows about the photoshoot Jongin had with Taemin and Krystal. And he felt insecure about that because he knows how close Jongin is with Taemin. 

And with Krystal.

Kyungsoo realized how sometimes Jongin looked so sad and disappointed whenever Kyungsoo not showing his feelings for him or whenever Kyungsoo keep their distance.

And how lately Jongin also keep his distance from him.

But when his shooting is over Kyungsoo give his best to give his attention back to Jongin.

He initiates the interaction between them.

He pampered Jongin especially when Jongin sick.

He secretly say he missed Jongin when he couldn't attend their concert.

He really do his best.

Because he knows he already had enough time.

Because now he finally got the courage he's looking for.

Because now he can give Jongin the assurance.. Assurance for Jongin and Kyungsoo himself..

But it turns out he expect too much...

***

Jongin is not showing up for the rest of day. The other members try to act normal and try to cheer Kyungsoo up. Because they know. Chen, Baekhyun and Chanyeol always stick to Kyungsoo and tell him some jokes. Junmyeon and Xiumin replace him to cook and clean the dorm. Sehun bought him bubble tea.

But what Kyungsoo really needs is some explanation.

And the person who could give him that is not here.

He tried his best to lighten up his mood and smile for the sake of the other members. Kyungsoo knows very well that they're care for him.

They only meet Jongin an hour before their event at Lotte World that night.

He smiles at them, not as cheerful as usual.

And the other member smile back at him and patting his shoulder.

But Kyungsoo can't.

He can't see Jongin in the eyes.

He can't talk to him.

Not right now when everything is still so hurt.

Because then he will break right here right now.

So he choose to walk pass him without say a word. Without eye contact.

During the event how he wish Yixing hyung to be right there right now because now he needs to sit beside Jongin.

He's aware of all the stare Jongin gave him.

He look back at Jongin for a second and he regret it.

Because he can see the guilt in Jongin eyes. He can see the difference from the way he looked at him now.

It still has the love but now it's also have regret and guilt in it.

And Kyungsoo hate it.

So he choose to not look at him again.

When they perform Sing For You, he almost cry.

But he still can hold it in. He needs to hold it in not only for himself but also for their fans.

He just wish for Jongin to stop staring at him like that.

Because he can't have anymore expectation.

Because it'll only make him hurt even more.

And he needs to save the last pieces of his heart.

***

Kyungsoo asked Baekhyun to sleep at his room that night. The room he shares with Jongin and Chanyeol.

Bacause he need a little more time to collect his mind.

Time.

All he need is time.

But time doesn't give him what he need.

The time that he got betrayed him.

"Hyung.."

That voice. Kyungsoo knows that voice too well.

And he knows he need to clear this up.

For everyone's sake.

For s sake.

For Jongin's sake.

And he knows if he try hard enought it'll also for his and his heart sake.

"Hyung, why are out here?"

Kyungsoo turn around and for the first time in that day, he look Jongin at his eyes.

And his heart hurts.

So much.

But Kyungsoo knows he needs to be strong. So he take one deep breathe.

"I thinks you know why"

He didn't miss the slight sadness in Jongin eyes. But he believe his eyes show much more than that.

"Hyung.. I'm.. I'm so sorry"

"Why?"

"Because I know how bad I am right now to you.. Please hyung, don't look at me like that. I can't.."

Jongin's eyes start to get teary.

"I'm so sorry hyung.. I know I said I would wait, forgive me hyung I broke my words.. I'm so sorry hyung.."

"You said you would wait for me Jongin. You said that you sure at yourself."

Kyungsoo can't help but show how hurt he is through his words.

"You said I could take my time. But it looks like you're the one who can not take the time.. Why don't you just say the truth to me? Why do I have to know the truth this way? Why like this right when I already have enough time and ready to come to you because you said before that you'd be here? Why?"

Silence. Another sad look. And finally Jongin give him the answer.

"I'm... I feel like.. I thought you would never had enough time Hyung.. I'm so sorry.. I'm so sorry I don't have the faith. All this time I love you Hyung, and I still am but Krystal give me the chance I never got from you. I get the assurance that I need., I know I am so selfish.. But hyung, please.. Don't hate me.. Please forgive me.. Forgive my selfishness towards you.."

And they look at each other in silence.

Right when Kyungsoo think he could save a part of his heart with this talk, he once again wrong.

His heart now shattered. 

"Are you happy now.. when you got the time? With her?"

"............. Yes.. But.."

"Stop. No buts. Please, don't give me another word that will only disappoint me more.."

"Hyung.."

"As long as you are happy, then I'll let you be happy. As long as you are happy Jongin.. if it's her the be with her.."

"What about you, Hyung?"

"I will take care my own heart. Don't mind me.. Now please leave me alone.."

"Hyung don't say that.."

"Jongin, do me one last favor please. I don't ask much. Just please, I can't take this anymore..."

"I'm so sorry Hyung.."

"Enough with the sorry Jongin.. You know it's not what we need.. It's not what I need. Just go.."

With one last sad glance, Jongin turn around and goes back into his room.

When Kyungsoo heard the sound of closing door, he let out the tears he's been holding all day.

He let the pain in his heart out through his tears.

He let the moon see how hurt he is right now.

In the middle of his breakdown, someone's arms hug him and surprise him.

It's Baekhyun.

"Hyung...."

"Just let it out. If you keep all of it inside it'll be more painful..But then promise yourself to be okay.."

And he let it out.

His hurt feelings..

His betrayed trust..

His loneliness..

His regrets..

His broken heart.

Because after this he will promise himself to be okay

Because he need to hold on

Becaue he knows it's not the end

And he need to be strong to face what's there for him tomorrow..

And even with his shattered heart, he will walk and go on with faith in him..

-end-

p.s : I'm so sorry for this... I know how bad this is but please give me some comment and feedback...

And to all KaDi shippers, let's be strong and continue put our faith together..